Nativity Play

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Terry… Heidi Gardner

Carey… Cecily Strong

Wise men… Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Kevin Hart

Mary… Kate McKinnon

Joseph… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Aidy announcing on a stage]

Aidy: Hello and welcome to Rock Harbor’s annual Christmas eve service. In a few moments, Pastor Brandon will give another legendary Christmas sermon and it’s a crusher.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: [in loud voice] Oh, I hope it’s about Christmas.

Leslie: Stop.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Cut first, our team ministry will present it’s annual Nativity play. Now, I know that the whole town has been buzzing since we promised that there would be a live camel in our show. But it turns out camels are a bit costly. So, the role of the wise men’s camel will be played by a lhama with a beanbag hump. And the llama’s handler has a brief announcement.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: Hi, folks. Hi, I’m Terry from Mayfair Llama Ranch. The Llama’s roddy right now which means it’s mating season. And basically males get territorial and aggressive. So, I’ve given the wise men the protective wear.

Aidy: Right.

Terry: I also gave them lettuce for treats.

Aidy: Great!

Terry: Oh. And you may hear the term “Jaahi”, that’s a command which basically means, “Easy boy.” Thank you.

[Terry leaves]

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’m sure you won’t notice any of that. Now, I’d like to welcome our narrator Carey who is our lead teen minister to the stage.

[Carey walks in. Aidy walks out.]

Carey: The Nativity. [speaking in hurry] We take you now to the desert of Judah where three wise men followed the north star of Bethlehem.

[Carey walks out] [The stage curtain opens. There are three wise men with a llama. The actors are scared of the llama.]

Kyle: God has told us to travel to Bethlehem to greet the arrival of king of kings. [llama moves] Jaahi. Sorry, I thought he was going to kick me again. Jaahi. We shall travel there on this majestic camel.

Mikey: Jaahi. Um, I shall brush our camel’s coat [Mikey has a brush in his one hand. But he is scared to go near llama] so it’s worthy of being seen by the son of god. Jaahi. Jaahi. [Mikey touches llama with a brush and runs away.]

Kevin: Jaahi! Jaahi! Yo, Jaahi, yo! Jaahi. Jaahi. [Kevin is holding the lease rope to the llama] Ay, can somebody else hold the rope. Jaahi. Um, we will present these gifts to the young king. [llama moves a little] Jaahi! Jaahi! The llama ate those props so we don’t have– Jaahi. Come on, man.

Kyle: Let us calm our camel and begin the journey. We’re not gonna do it coz llama won’t let us.

[the llama moves]

Kyle, Mikey and Kevin: Jaahi! No. Jaahi.

[The curtain closes] [Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t like that narrator girl.

Kenan: That’s your criticism? Not the llama stuff?

[Cut to Terry whispering in Aidy’s ear]

Aidy: Okay. Okay. Right. I see. Thank you. Um, so, Terry has informed me that in the next major scene, our wise men will be holding up a blanket. Okay? To block an area of the llama’s body that had become inappropriate. Okay. Thank you.

[Cut to Carey standing before the curtain.]

Carey: We take you now to Bethlehem where the wise men reach the major.

[Carey walks out. The curtain opens. There are three wise men and a llama. Kyle and Mikey are covering llama’s genitals with a blanket.

Mikey: Oh my god, that’s insane.

Kyle: Dude, llama!

Kevin: Low, a manger, inside Joseph and his wife, Mary, who birthed the new boy and king. Yo, I’m sorry, everybody, but the llama man’s horny right now. Yo.

[Mary walks in]

Mary: Oh, glorious miracle. Born into a virgin, the son of god. [Mary carries a toy baby. The goy baby has no head.] Okay, the llama ate some of the baby. What say you? Dear Joseph? Bryan, it’s your line.

[Joseph is looking at llama’s genitals]

Joseph: Wo-ho-ho-ho. Oh! Um, the child is surely a son of god.

[Joseph goes back to looking at llama’s genitals] [Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t blame him. I won’t lie. I’m curious.

[Cut to the stage]

Kevin: Yo, man. He’s making noises. I’m not holding no more. [Kevin throws away the lease rope] Y’all got to do that.

Mikey: Yeah. We out of here. We out of here.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan: Hey, boys. Don’t drop that blanket. Oh! And there it is.

[Leslie stands happily and starts clapping]

Leslie: Good for you, llama.

[Cut to the stage. The curtain closes. Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Okie, dokie. That concludes our Nativity program. There’s more but you guys know the story, right? Thank you. And I am so sorry.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: And we’ll be sticking around after the service if anybody would like a picture with the llama.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, I’mma be there.

Bar Centrale

Candis… Aidy Bryant

Noal… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Terry… Cecily Strong

Jode… Octavia Spencer

Waiter… Alex Moffat

[Starts with four ladies getting seats at a restaurant]

Candis: Oh, here’s an open table.

Noal: Perfect!

Vanessa: Let’s get out girl time on. I can only sneak off for two hours.

Terry: Hey, guys, I hope you don’t mind but I invited a new friend that y’all are gonna lose your damn minds over.

Candis: Oh, cool.

Terry: Yeah, yeah. She keeps it real and a hundred. Okay? You guys are gonna love her. Just keep your eyes open for her. She’s black. Oh, there she is. Girl! [calling] Girl, we over here.

[Jode walks in]

Jode: Hi. I’m Jode.

Terry: It’s that fierce B I’m telling you about.

Candis: Um, Jode?

Jode: Yeah, Jode. Sorry, I’m late. I was stuck at the CVS waiting for my prescription bra.

Terry: Ah! Prescription bra! Girl! [Terry is only the one who is over-excited] I should have known you’ve already been cracking me up. Didn’t I warn y’all? She’s crazy.

Noal: Okay. Yeah. Well, let’s just order some drinks and then try to figure out all that’s happening with you and her.

Terry: Oh, Jode, you’re ready to get your drink on?

Jode: Hell, yeah.

Candis: Oh, well, there’s out waiter. I’ll call him. Sir!

Terry: Oh, okay. Hot waiter with the beard. Guys, I cannot be responsible for what this B is about to say to this man.

[the waiter walks in]

Waiter: Ladies, welcome to Bar Centrale. I’m Nelson. How can I be of service tonight?

Terry: Oh, okay, Jode is about to slay. I know that look. You need to watch. You need to watch and learn.

Jode: Um, can I get a two liters of diet right. And can you let me know when the ladies’ room is completely empty? And then, when I go in there, would you put the ‘out of order’ sign on the door?

Terry: Word!

Waiter: Um, I’m gonna have to check my manager, but I will see what I can do for you. And the rest of you ladies, do you want some drinks?

Candis: Um, yeah. Can we just have a bottle of riesling?

Waiter: Absolutely.

Vanessa: So, Jode, what do you do?

Terry: Oh, besides giving zero f’s.

Jode: Um, I kill bugs for Orkin.

Terry: What? Girl. You are cracking me up talking about Orkin.

Candis: Um, Terry, I think that’s just where she works.

Terry: Candis, girl, jealous is not pretty on you. You know what I’m saying, Jode?

Jode: I got jealous once of my uncle’s haircut and I didn’t speak to him for a month. And then I realized I could get the same haircut, and I did. It’s this one on my head.

Terry: Now, that’s the damn truth. Right? Look at Noal all like, “The thirst is real?”

Noal: What? Jode, you seem nice. And I don’t mean to be rude, but Terry, I’m wondering if you’re putting things on this relationship that just aren’t there.

Terry: What?

Candis: Yeah, Terry. I think you got embarrassed about not knowing that February is Black History Month, and now you’re doing this.

Terry: Oh my–! Okay, are you even–! Jode, I’m sorry. We need to go dance because I am being trolled by these damn trolls.

Jode: Wait, Terry, were you using me to impress your friends?

Terry: Okay. [music playing in the background] Maybe it started that way. But the two days I’ve spent with you have really been special to me. And I really hope you’ll still consider being my friend, because you know how to have a damn good time.

Jode: You know what? I was using you too to impress my friends. And they think the crazy way you talk is funny. You sound like a teenager in a potato chips commercial.

Terry: Aw, girl. We played each other. But ended up BFFs.

Jode: Now, let’s show these bitches what true friendship is. [to waiter] Sir!

Waiter: Yes?

Jode: Can you play Mumbo Number Five by Lou Bega?

Waiter: For a couple of real friends who just taught us a lesson, of course.

[music playing] [Terry and Jode start dancing]

Noal: I guess we weren’t being very fair. They really are good friends.

Candis: Yeah. And look, Jode backed that waiter!

[Jode and Waiter are dancing and Terry is cheering for them]

Terry: Whoo! Get it girl! Right? Jode for the win. Candis, I know you’re watching this.

Aron’s List

Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list.  Because the real crime is high prices.

Old New York Show

Madge… Aidy Bryant

Dickie… Kate McKinnon

Terry… RuPaul

[Starts with Old New York Show intro.] [music playing]

Madge and Dickie: [singing] Buy some and drink it, booze,
oh! Drink it. It’s the Old New York Show. With Madge and Dickie. Hello!

[Madge and Dickie sit down.]

Madge: Yes, and welcome to the Old New York Show with Madge and Dickie.

Dickie: I’m Dickie Saint Painters. And this is my life long friend and drinking companion, Madge Caddington Boot.

Madge: It’s true. Dickie and I have lived on 36th floor of the beautiful Saint Bevis Hotel.

Dickie: Overlooking a full authority bus hospital.

Madge: Yes. Now we broadcast this show from our shared room straight to the Hotel TV channel One!

Dickie: We’ve lived in this room for over 50 years.

Madge: Yeah, there’s a rule on the books from Giuliani that if we set foot outside, we have to give it up. So, we love Rudy!

Dickie: Oh, come back Rudy!

Madge: Yeah, you know, New York, it used to be different. But now, it’s changed.

Dickie: Madge and I lived through the most iconic period of New York history.

Madge: 1994! Oh, early to mid 90s.

Dickie: The Rudy day.

Madge: Every apartment was a dollar!

Dickie: No Red Docks!

Madge: Dignified! And you know what? Music was like, this. [snapping her finger fast] Never slow. It was New York.

Dickie: Oopsie, doopsie doop.

Madge: Oh!

Dickie: Now the sound of diamonds falling onto a mirror means it’s time to admire our bubbles. Two, three, four.

[music playing]

Madge and Dickie: [singing] Gold rings on an old hand
gold rings on an old hand

Dickie: That was fun.

Madge: That was good. Oh, sure, you bitch.

Dickie: Oh, shut up. Shut up. Now, it’s time to introduce our guest.

Madge: Twice now. Dickie and I have married the same man. That’s right, so please welcome Terry Tees.

[Terry walks in and hugs Madge and Dickie]

Terry: Oh! Oh, Madge. Dickie! Oh! You girls don’t look a day over 30.

Madge: Oh, thank you.

Dickie: Sweet.

Terry: You look a million days over 30!

Madge: We love you. We love you. You know, we first met Terry in the barged off bathroom where we were all shoplifting silk.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. The three of us were stuffing our blouses with other nicer blouses.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: We were all putting on for three days, and when we left, we were friends for life.

Madge: Yes. Now, Terry, tell them what you do for living.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Well, by day I’m an unemployed shoe critic. By night, I’m an usher on Broadway where I yell at ladies to pee faster. And by morning, I’m asleep.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Now, we had some great times together in old New York, didn’t we Terry?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Oh, yes! Throwing costume jewelry off the Empire State building.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Falling off the side of the Staten Island ferry.

Madge: And, blowing all our cash betting on alley cats down in the gutter casino. Speaking of… two, three, four.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: [singing] Gutter casino roulette
tiny tap table where the rats can bet

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Hah! Now, that was old New York.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, come back.

Madge: Yes, Rudy! We love you. You killed all the whores.

Dickie: You sent all the screegy men to hell.

[knocking sound]

Okay, the sound of a rat falling into a fryer, means it’s time for our big praying.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry. Madge is picking up the phone]

Madge: Yes. Yes. Terry, call room service.

Terry: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Hello, room service? Do you have any turd soup?

Madge: Oh, you don’t? Well, that’s my favorite food.

Dickie: And now we’re gonna bomb the whole hotel.

All: Ha-ha-ha.

Terry: Hang up! Hang up!

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: I think they know it’s us but I don’t know how.

Madge: Yes. Yes. They can handle it. They gotta be tough. Why? Coz it’s New York city. City of trains, two, three, four.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: G to the L to the One to the Q
took across town 7 till the uptown two.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: There’s a puddle on my seat. What should I do?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Sit in it baby. It’s New York!

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry]

All: And that’s how I think
I got pee in one blink
in New York

Madge: Oh! De Blasio! You wish, De Blasio! You wish!

Dickie: The sound of bed bugs stampeding out of electrical sockets means it’s time to go to bed.

Madge: They’re hungry for us.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Aw, hey! You mind if I crash? I- I can’t stay at my apartment tonight because it’s been a CVS for 20 years.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Yes!

Madge: Of course!

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: [singing] It’s the Old New York show!

[The End]

Dr. Dave & Buggles

Dr. Dave… Kenan Thompson

Malissa Obright… Cameron Diaz

Terry… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with picture slideshow of Dr. Dave with a monkey] [Cut to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour video bumper] [Cut to Dr. Dave in jungle with a monkey in the cage.]

Dr. Dave: Welcome back to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour. Don’t know if you watched last week but this little guy ripped my dong and balls off and then threw them as hard as he could. So, I’m not super pumped about doing the show anymore. My interest in animals is 100% gone. They’re just dead eyed little monsters. But still got nine shows left on the contract. So, here I am sitting side by side with my former best friend, now least favorite guy on earth, how you doing you little dumbass?

[Cut to the monkey chewing gum.] [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey]

Today we’ve got Malissa Obright from the San Diego Zoo with a lemur. So, let’s just muscle through this.

[Cut Malissa Obright walking in with a lemur.][ There is a guy on a ladder doing something.]

Malissa Obright: Hello, Dr. Dave.

Dr. Dave: Oh, hey. How you doing?

[There is a guy on a ladder doing something.]

Malissa Obright: Oh, what’s going on over there?

[Cut to Dr. Dave and Malissa Obright]

Dr. Dave: Oh, they’re just fixing the exit sign. So, tell me about your lemur here.

[Cut to Malissa Obright]

Malissa Obright: Well, lemurs like to eat fruits, flowers and tree bark. Although, Pepper here hasn’t eaten all of her dinner yet. So, well, he’s a little agitated.

[Cut to Dr. Dave and Malissa Obright]

Dr. Dave: Little agitated, huh? Well, I don’t now if you saw last week’s show, [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey] but this guy ripped my wang clean off. And then whipped it up there against that exit sign, pounded that thing so hard it fell down.

[Cut to Malissa Obright]

Malissa Obright: At least he didn’t eat them.

[Cut to Dr. Dave]

Dr. Dave: Oh, I’m so sick of hearing that. [clapping] Wow! Yay! Awesome! So glad he just chucked them as hard as he could at an exit sign. How is it going Terry?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Oh! It’s great. I’m really reinforcing this, so it won’t fall down next time the nuts hit it.

[Cut to Dr. Dave]

Dr. Dave: It’s not gonna happen again.

[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]

Malissa Obright: Dave, are you okay?

Dr. Dave: Yes! I mean everything is reattached. All these stupid doctors were all high-fiving when I was on my way out like they did something miracle. I get home, and the thing falls right off. I shook it off my pants leg, and accidentally stepped on it. Had to go right back in there.

[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]

So, what’s the worst thing that this guy has ever done?

Malissa Obright: Oh! [Cut to Malissa Obright] Um, I’ve never been asked that question. I guess, sometimes, they can be a little rascal and steal each other’s fruit, you know?

[Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey.]

Dr. Dave: Oh, steal each other’s fruit. Okay, coz, this little dick weed cranked my junk off my body, took the time to wave them around in front of me, made me grab at them and miss, and then he just kicks back like Nolan Ryan, looking at me with that little grin, and I’m going, “Please don’t, man. Please don’t.” And he just fires away and blast the exit sign right out the ceiling.

[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]

Malissa Obright: That is awful. I mean, like, really shocking.

Dr. Dave: Oh! It’s fine. [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey] Apparently, our ratings have quadrupled. People just tuning in everyday to see if this guy’s gonna rip off my ding dong again.

[Cut to Malissa Obright]

Malissa Obright: Well, I bet they also wanna hear facts about lemurs. Did you know that lemurs sometime respond to music? Pepper here loves dancing to the band 5 seconds of summer. Isn’t that right, Pepper? You like them, don’t you? Yes, you do, sweet pepper.

[Cut to Dr. Dave. The monkey is not in the cage.]

Dr. Dave: Yes, sweet Pepper likes 5 seconds of summer, that’s nice. You know, ever since this little guy started listening to One Direction– [Dr. Dave looks at the empty cage] Oh, no! Okay, well, we’ll be right back.

[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]

Oh, man! That little guy could be anywhere. He’s so fast and strong. And he loves to rip off nuts. Oh, where did he go?

[Cut to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour video bumper]