Tag: The

Weekend Update Molly Kearney on AntiLGBTQ Bills in the United States

Michael Che

Molly Kearney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Since the start of this year, over 400 Anti LGBTQ bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. Here to talk about it as someone with their own introduction.

[rock music playing]

Male voice: Introducing SNL’s first non binary cast member, it’s Molly Kearney.

Molly Kearney: Made it. Thank you Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Molly, what is all this?

Molly Kearney: Well, as you know, I’ve been wanting to come to Update and talk about trans people. But I have for a much longer time than that wanted to fly down from the ceiling.

Michael Che: And did it live up to your expectations?

Molly Kearney: Yeah, but I’m not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight. my groin area is beef. I’ve been hung up on my genitals for far too long. And I’m starting to feel like a frickin Republican lawmaker. Hello.

Michael Che: Awesome transition. So as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting health care for trans kids.

Molly Kearney: Listen to that, Michael, restricting Health Care for Kids. For some reason, there’s something about the Word ‘trans; that makes people forget the word ‘kids’. If you don’t care about trans kids lives, it means you don’t care about frickin kids lives.

Michael Che: Wow. Well. I can tell you’re really upset about that.

Molly Kearney: I am. And also my legs are going numb and I might pass out.

Michael Che: Molly, how long were you hanging up there?

Molly Kearney: Longer than I would have liked? I tried to call down but no one could hear me. You know, at one point I heard a crew guys say “Is she gonna die up there?” And then another guy was like, “You mean are they are going to die up there?” And then they looked away and didn’t help. Which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don’t worry. We have a code word for emergencies. And it was trans rights. Gosh, good. Golly. That was the code for confetti. My Bad, bud.

Michael Che: that was so loud.

Molly Kearney: Well, yeah. People need to wake up. We’re making trans kids grow up too fast. We should be keeping them safe. And we need to lift them up. Oh, no, not me “them”. I mean, the kids. Che, they got my pronouns right. Let’s go. Wait a minute. Before I go, I want to talk to you. What’s happening kids is wrong, and you don’t need to be scared. Our job is to protect you and your job is to focus on being a kid. It’s kind of like me flying in the SNL sky. There’s a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling what and where you’re allowed to be. But if you just hang on, you’ll look up and realize you’re flying, kid. Hey Mr. Che, am I still in the frame?

Michael Che: I mean, your feet are.

Molly Kearney: Good. Trans rocks.

Michael Che: Molly Kearney, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Molly Kearney: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Funky Kong on The Super Mario Bros Movie

Colin Jost

Funky Kong… Kenan Thompson.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe, Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong.

[Funky Kong slides in] [cheers and applause]

Funky Kong: What’s up, Colin? What’s up, ladies? Yeah. Which one of y’all going home with Funky Kong?

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. How are you doing, Funky Kong?

Funky Kong: Man, I’ve been better. I thought I was gonna be out nobody’s moving they just made $500 million. 600. But this is how much you get to see of me.

Colin Jost: Wow, so you’re just in the background? What happened?

Funky Kong: Man, they cut me out. I guess Funky Kong is too real for them. They don’t want to hear what I got to say. And they sure as hell don’t want to watch me work. Bring it back.

[music palying] [Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, I really am so sorry that you got cut.

Funky Kong: Funky don’t want to be what they want, Colin. Funky don’t throw no barrels. Funky Kong spends his day cruising in my car, dropping off packages of the sticky icky. And I spend my nights with a glass of banana rum and a bed full of toads.

Colin Jost: And now, are toads male or female?

Funky Kong: Funky don’t know, Funky don’t ask.

Colin Jost: It’s really is a shame that you’re not in the movie because your cousin Donkey Kong is a major character.

Funky Kong: Oh yeah, man. Donkey Kong is all up in it. But they ain’t even us Monkey Kong.

Colin Jost: Who’s Monkey Kong?

Funky Kong: He’s a donkey. Man, those Japanese people sure are interesting. Oh man, you know they kicked me off the set?

Colin Jost: What? Why?

Funky Kong: Because I was in my trailer drumming on booty cheeks like Bongo was in the minigame. I was in there like, booty cheeks, titty meat, booty cheeks, titty meat.

Colin Jost: Great. It’s really great. So you were originally in the movie?

Funky Kong: Absolutely. Man. I had a few choice scenes. I was incredible. I even have the whole script right here. Here. Come on. Read this here with me, Colin. I’ll show you what I’m talking about. You’ll be Mario and Luigi. I’m gonna be myself. Paste well.

Colin Jost: Sure. Great. All right, Luigi: We got to get to the castle, but the fastest way is Rainbow Road. Mario: Rainbow Road? We’ll fall off.

Funky Kong: Man, ain’t no bitches in here.

Colin Jost: I can’t believe that’s the original line.

Funky Kong: I told you man. I was dope. Go to page 36, man. The scene with me and Peach.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, you and Peach. Princess Peach: Funky Kong, they are holding our friends prisoner in Warrior stadium. Can you help?

Funky Kong: Girl, why don’t you open up that peach and let me see what’s inside?

Colin Jost: Honestly, I can see why they cut you out.

Funky Kong: Come on, Colin. People would have eaten that up, man. You ever had monkey meat?

Colin Jost: Monkey meat? No.

Funky Kong: That’s not what your mamma said last night. Bring it back.

[music playing] [Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Funky Kong, everyone. Funky Kong.

First Warm Day of the Year Red Carpet Cold Open

Dana Banes… Heidi Gardner

Jace L. Rio… Bowen Yang

Male voice: Live from Central Park, it’s the First Warm day Of the Year Arrivals Show.

Dana: Well folks, it’s mid April here in New York City. And the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. All the freaks, crazies and weirdos are heading to Central Park. And we’re expecting to see some iconic Park People today, aren’t we Jace?

Jace: We sure are, Dana. The mood here is electric. The smell of Halal food and horse manure is in the air. As I see, yes, I think it’s him. An absolute icon of the park, it’s an older man doing an aggressive power walk.

Mikey: Hi there.

Jace: First, dish on this outfit.

Mikey: Certainly. I’m wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. Little shorts and a weird Heart Rate Monitor strapped my arm.

Jace: Iconig. Can you give us a little preview of your walk?

Mike: Absolutely. [Mike starts walking around Jace] Behind you. Behind you. Behind you. On your left. Behind you. And there it is.

Jace: Wow. Gorgeous. Dana.

Dana: Well, Jace, I am starstruck right now as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves.

Michael: Nice to be out of the subway.

Dana: I bet. Excited for the big day?

James: Oh, yeah, I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars. So I’m good to go.

Dana: Where should the police been looking for you?

Michael: Oh, come on, you know what to find your boys. In the bushes, baby.

Dana: Any new techniques this year?

James: Oh, just one. [He takes his real hand out of the coat. The hand in his pocket is a fake one.]

Dana: Oh my god. Is that a fake arm?

James: Yeah, yeah, it’s a fake arm.

Dana: Wow. Shame on you both. Jace?

Jace: Well, we were hoping she’d make an appearance. It’s a woman learning to rollerblade.

Molly: Yeah, I’ve always wanted to learn and I thought what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people?

Jace: Horrible plan. Let’s see what you got.

Molly: Here I go. Oh, my God. [she falls down]

Jace: And she fell right away. Dana?

Dana: Well, look who I found, two have central parks finest, park employees who do not care about their job. How are you guys feeling?

Devon: We are very high right now. Yeah. Thank you for asking.

Dana: Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules?

Punkie: You do you?

Dana: Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.

Jace: Well, I hope she’ll stop to talk. It’s a lady trying to tell someone where she is.

Ego: [on phone] Well, I don’t see you, bitch. Bitch, I’m right where I said I’d be. By the big tree. The big tree near the bridge. [walks out]

Jace: Oh, just Mr. Dana.

Dana: He is back. It’s a grown man with a drone who’s alone.

Andrew: Hey there.

Dana: And you won’t be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you?

Andrew: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Nah.

Dana: I don’t believe you. Now, Jace, this guy is bad. But I hear you’re with one of the worst park people of all.

Jace: I sure am. It’s a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause? Now people absolutely hate you. Can you tell us why?

Marcello: Well, I think it’s because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.

Jace: Absolutely. Can we see that in action?

Marcello: You bet. [Mikey walks in] Hey, cool shirt.

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Marcello: Hey, come on. If you have a second for a good cause.

Mikey: I already donated.

Marcello: Come on, it’s two seconds.

Mikey: I’ve already done this before.

Jace: What an absolute pain in the ass. Dana.

Dana: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s crazy man with the microphone.

Kenan: Good to be back for another year.

Dana: And I see you brought a lady friend with you?

Kenan: Yes, I sure did. This woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I’m a rational man whose mind can be changed.

Dana: Can we get a preview?

Kenan: Oh of course.

Sarah: Our pleasure.

Kenan: Big Pharma created the Coronavirus.

Sarah: That is baloney.

Kenan: I got herpes from 5g.

Sarah: It is not even possible.

Kenan: So something like that.

Dana: Wow. I can’t tell who annoys me more. Jace?

Jace: Well, we’ve been waiting for her to arrive. It’s wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what’s the plan today?

Chloe: Well I’m taking Riley here to the playground where I’ll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. [the boy is missing already] Riley? [yelling] Riley?

Jace: Oh no.

[Ego walks in still talking on the phone]

Ego: Well, I still don’t see you. You know what? I’m done looking for your bitch. You come find me. I’ll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun.

Jace: Well, we’ve got plenty more park people coming up including a woman with a giant out of control dog and a performance by some a whole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live-

Ego: I see you right now. Okay girl, I’m coming.

Jace and Dana: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Co-Worker Who’s Extremely Busy Doing Seemingly Nothing on Returning to the Office

Colin Jost

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week, the Labor Department released data showing that more Americans are returning to the office in person. Here to comment is your coworker who’s extremely busy doing seemingly nothing.

[Crystal slides in] [cheers and applause]

Crystal: Hi. Hi. Oh my god Colin, we’ve got to make this quick because I really got to get back. I gotta get back.

Colin Jost: Oh okay. Well, you just got here, Crystal. And thank you for being here.

Crystal: Icebreaker, icebreaker. Colin, how are you? Don’t answer that. Literally don’t have time to hear your answer. I am so slammed.

Colin Jost: Oh, so what do you do for work?

Crystal: Umm… [showing a bunch of papers] this!

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well I guess I’d love to get a sense of like what you do in a day.

Crystal: Um, yeah. What don’t I do? Okay. Ask my team. Where are they? On my back. And my phone’s blowing up. I’m in hell.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry that you’re so slammed. Crystal.

Crystal: I need a vacation, but knowing me, I’d bring my work phone, aka, my husband.

Colin Jost: I love that you kissed your phone, but yeah I’m just so curious about what your job is.

Crystal: Colin, to explain it, the level I would have to start at, I literally don’t have the bandwidth. [looking at the papers] Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay. Oh my god. [showing a paper to Colin] Look.

Colin Jost: Yeah, this is a sign up sheet for birthday cake.

Crystal: Yeah, yeah. And then bringing Oreo Cheesecake. That ain’t gonna work. There goes my Easter Sunday.

Colin Jost: Why would there go your Easter Sunday?

Crystal: And doo-doo-doo-doo. [throws away her phone] I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Crystal, can you just tell me one thing you do?

Crystal: Yeah. Okay, look. All right. So look at my spreadsheet, okay? These are all emails I’ve received.

Colin Jost: Great. Thanks.

Crystal: Now you understand?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t. No, I don’t understand. Where do you work?

Crystal: In the weeds.

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. I mean specifically. Specifically. Specifically where?

Crystal: Neck deep.

Colin Jost: No, that is not an answer. What do you do?

Crystal: Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t do. Eat. I haven’t eaten in months.

Colin Jost: Okay. Oh my god. Crystal, you need to take care of yourself.

Crystal: Umm, Kale see czar, my favorite. You know what? It’s kind of nice eating on the table and not on the toilet.

Colin Jost: Do you eat on the toilet?

Crystal: And I got an alert on my salad phone. [pulls a phone out of her food bowl]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What does it say?

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Stop throwing things.

Crystal: Keep talking because I am listening. Oh my god. I just pulled my pinky.

Colin Jost: Okay, Crystal, I just saw on your computer that all you have opened as a bunch of tabs for Ann Taylor and Loft.

Crystal: For work, of course. Because I am always here.

Colin Jost: Right. And where? Like, honestly, what do you do?

Crystal: I’m Che’s assistant.

Colin Jost: You’re Che’s assistant?

Michael Che: Hey, Chris is the best.

Colin Jost: Very busy coworker, everyone.

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

The Play

Sophie Lespazio… Heidi Gardner

Brian… Devon Walker

Brian: Wow, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I am so proud.

Sophie: Thanks, Brian.

Michael: I’m so sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.

Sophie: Oh, thank you. That’s so sweet. God, this is my first play that’s actually about my life. I’m nervous, Brian.

Brian: Hey, don’t be. Everybody’s gonna love it.

[applause] [Molly playing Sophie Lespazio]

Molly: Sophie Lespazio, what’s happening? It’s your wedding day. And everyone’s expecting you to say I do. But do you? Or for once would you rather do you? [ha-ha-ha] Girl you don’t love his sorry ass.

Sophie: God this actress, she’s amazing.

Brian: Whoa, you almost got married. Okay. I’m surprised that never came up.

Molly: You’re gonna live your true Sophie Lespazio. You’re going to leave this chump and you’re going to have a year 1000 men. And so I did. I dated 1000 men in one year. And that’s when everything changed.

Brian: Did she say 1000 That’s more than two a day.

Sophie: Shh, it gets explained.

Molly: Who did I date? You ask? Everyone from finance bros with perfect abs to Brooklyn artists with uncut dongs. And the left I wanted them, the more they wanted me. I was pulled in all directions.

Men: Sophie, Sophie, Sophie.

Marcello: I wanna get drunk on your fumes.

Bowen: I don’t wanna use a condom.

Molly: Fine by me.

Brian: Hey, I think I’m gonna head out.

Sophie: Babe, don’t. Look, it’s loosely based on my life. It’s not all true.

Molly: All of this is true. As God is my witness, there have been no embellishments. About 998 bangs later, I was still feeling totally unfulfilled. But all of that was about to change because I met the one.

Brian: Okay, that’s sweet I guess.

Molly: My ex, Trevor, the one that got away.

Trevor: Hey, babe. I hope you didn’t mind being on TV while we sat courtside at the Lakers game?

Molly: No, that’s okay. I know all those guys anyway.

Brian: What? The Lakers?

Molly: But then I found out an ugly truth about him.

Trevor: Doctors told me I have a condition, or anytime you climax in the future, it’s still because of me.

Molly: And then he broke up with me. He moved to Anaheim to pursue his dream of running social media for Grub Hub. So the next day, I went to a bowling alley to get sloppy drunk when some guy approached me.

[Kenan acting as Brian, portraying him as very dorky person]

Kenan: Hello, I am Brian. Would you like to go out?

Molly: Whatever, I guess.

Brian: Oh my god.

Kenan: Well, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I’m so proud. High-five. Nobody? Okay.

Molly: And after four weeks of dating, I couldn’t hold him off anymore. I had to buck up and finally have sex with him. Urgh.

Kenan: As they say that, the first time for everything.

Molly: It was one of the most painfully bland experiences of my life. And there it was. I had reached by 1000th man. It was time to officially settle in until I met someone who would change my life.

Andrew: Sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.

Molly: I met Mr. 1001.

Brian: Wait, is that the guy from five minutes ago. [Sophie is kissing Michael] Oh, come on!

The Parent Trap

Bowen Yang

Jenna Ortega

Raymond… Fred Armisen

Bowen: We’re so excited to be doing this remake of “The Parent Trap.” As you know, we found someplace to update the original but the scene in the cabin when Hallie and Annie realized they’re twins is such a classic. We just wanted to leave it as it was.

Jenna: I love that. I totally agree. This is so special. I’m just really glad to be here.

Bowen: Us too. Obviously, since you’re playing both twins, we’ll film you twice, combine the two images into one. Today, you’ll be Hallie in the scenes. And since your body double is out sick, We’re going to have one of our crew guy Raymond read with you, okay?

Raymond: Yeah, hey. You know, you can just call me, right? This is gonna be fun. I think I get the gist.

Bowen: Okay, great. So let’s start with the sequence where Hallie and Annie are having a little disagreement over whether it’s bedtime or not. Okay? You can just head your thoughts and we’ll get started. All right. Okay, great. And Action.

[Raymond turns off the light]

Raymond: Off.

Jenna: On.

Raymond: Off.

Jenna: On.

Raymond: Turn them off.

Jenna: You are so annoying.

Raymond: And I’m starting to think you’re a real bitch.

Bowen: Okay, cut. Sorry, I don’t think the script said bitch.

Raymond: Yeah, sorry about that. I did a little off the cuff thing. You know, like you do on Curb. You guys watch Curb? I love Curb.

Jenna: Maybe someone else wants to read the lines? Like the ones that are in the script?

Bowen: Don’t worry. We’re never gonna see him in the movie. So it doesn’t really matter what he says.

Raymond: I have an idea. Should I go to the toilet at some point and she gets mad. No, that could be funny. Like her twin is always on the toilet?

Bowen: Are you asking that because you need to go to the bathroom now or-?

Raymond: Well, I think my character might. But you’re the director.

Bowen: Right? Okay, let’s just move on to the next day. Okay, so just as a reminder, it’s stormed outside, so your belongings got wet. And now you’re talking about the window, getting to know each other. Okay. All right. And action.

Jenna: Oh, no.

Raymond: Oh, are any of your pictures ruined?

Jenna: I mean, only the beautiful Shawn Mendes.

Raymond: Wow, he is hot. You know who I like? Lisa Rinna. I would let her wreck me.

Jenna: Okay, I don’t really know what to do here.

Bowen: Okay, let’s just move on to the Oreo scene. You’re wanting. You’re realizing you have a lot in common. Okay, and go.

Jenna: Wanna eat some Oreos? It may sound weird, but I eat them with peanut butter.

Raymond: Well, F* me, so do I.

Jenna: Wow. No way. I wonder what else we have in common?

Raymond: You like Schlitz? Schlitz beer?

Jenna: What? No. Anyway. How old are you?

Raymond: 56. Oh, for this? 11. My birthday is in October.

Jenna: Me too.

Raymond: This is tripping me out. Let’s see if we have a picture of our parents that was ripped in half to see if we’re twins.

Bowen: Nope. Nope. Not there yet. But good enough. Let’s just jump ahead to where Hallie is pacing, putting it all together. You’re both up for this. Okay. Yeah. And action.

Jenna: I mean, think about it. I only have a father and you only have a mother.

Raymond: Oh, yeah.

Jenna: You’ve never seen your dad and I’ve never seen my mom.

Raymond: So you think we’re twins or not yet?

Jenna: You have one old picture of your mom and I have one old picture of my dad.

Raymond: Yeah, like in that Lindsey Lohan movie about the twins.

Jenna: But at least yours is probably a whole picture.

Raymond: A whole picture? You’re 11. Don’t look at those.

Jenna: My pictures just a pathetic little thing right down the middle.

Bowen: Okay, and now you both run to get your halves of the picture.

Jenna: Here it is. A picture of my dad.

Raymond: Okay. I got mine.

Jenna: On the count of three. We’ll show them to each other. Okay?

Raymond: Okay.

Both: 1, 2, 3. Wow. Leslie Mann and Ed Helms. Is this for streaming?

Jenna: So if your mom is my mom, and my dad is your dad and we’re both born on October 11, than you and I are like sisters?

Raymond: Jesus, Hallie, we’re freaking twins.

Jenna: Annie

Raymond: Oh my god. Wow. I’m like trying now.

Jenna: This is amazing.

Raymond: So they just split us up? Why would they do that to us? We got to kill them.

Jenna: There’s two of us.

Raymond: We work together, we could kill them. I’m kidding, I love you.

Bowen: And cut. Wow that was it. Thank you both for those performances. I’m blown away. This is going to be a hit and I’ll see you both at the premiere.

Abby the Ex-Girlfriend

Abby… Heidi Gardner

Graham… Travis Kelce

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Sarah Sherman

Ego: Okay, that movie was wild.

Abby: Yeah, Paddington three was not what I expected.

Sarah: That was cocaine bear.

Abby: Okay, see? I was so worried about Paddington.

Sarah: Shoot, Abby, Graham is here.

Ego: Abby, we can totally leave.

Abby: Look out. It’s been three years. I can be around my ex. I’m totally cool.

[Abby walks to her ex]

Hey, stranger. How are you, Bubba?

Graham: Abby. Hey, it’s it’s been a minute. What’s new?

Abby: I’m actually in the best place I’ve been in a long time. Yeah, I’m with someone new and life is pretty rad. How have you been? You look like hell. Just kidding. Just kidding. You look awesome.

Graham: Yeah, I’ve been good. Working out a lot. Oh, hey, thanks for paying me back about my car getting fixed.

Abby: Yeah, sorry. I do that kettlebell through your windshield. I had a lot to process, but now I can look at you with no attachment. And I think that’s pretty freakin rad.

Madison: Sorry, babe. The line for the bathroom was crazy.

Graham: Madison, this is Abby.

Madison: Oh, hi.

Abby: Oh, you two are together? Well, congrats. You got yourself a stunning girlfriend.

Graham: This is my fiance.

Abby: Your fiance?

[Abby’s eye starts tearing like it’s squirting]

Graham: Abby, are you crying?

Abby: No. Remember, I just had that thing with my eyes where I had to poke it up?

Graham: I don’t, but if you say so.

Abby: Yeah. So how did you two meet?

Graham: We met on a little cruise.

Madison: Well, it wasn’t a cruise for me. I’m a bosun on Below Deck.

Abby: Okay, that’s my dream job.

Graham: Abby, are you okay?

Abby: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s that eye thing again. I’m fine. I might just have to hold them. You guys can kiss if you want. I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Graham: We’re really not trying to kiss this moment.

Madison: So how do you guys know each other?

Abby: Oh my god, girl. How long do you have?

Graham: Abby and I went on one date in 2019.

Abby: Okay, excuse me, we went on three dates. It was dinner and movie and a walk.

Graham: The walk was from dinner to the movie. The whole thing was like two hours.

Abby: Okay, regardless, Graham and I have history. But now I think we’re killing this friends thing, Bubba.

Madison: Well, we’re moving next month, but you’ll have to come visit us if you’re ever in New Orleans.

Abby: Where the Saints Go marching.

Graham: Oh my god. Abby, do you need a tissue?

Abby: No. Because these are happy tears.

Madison: I mean, you know, we’re really happy too. It feels like a great place to raise a kid.

Abby: You’re pregnant? Yes!

Madison: Yes, we’re doing August, but maybe we should talk about something else. I’m starting to feel bad.

Graham: You shouldn’t. It was one date.

Abby: Okay, look. Okay. None of that matters now because like I said, I am in a relationship and it’s so good. He’s a little bit older and he’s totally ripped.

Graham: Abby, that’s great for you. I’m happy.

[Jason Kelce walks in and hugs Abby]

Jason: Hey, Baba, sorry, I’m late. Is this guy bothering you? Do you need me to beat him up? Cuz I definitely could.

Graham: Wait, that’s your boyfriend?  It’s totally cool. [Graham starts becoming teary] Oh my god. It’s totally cool. Oh my god.

Weekend Update- Gina Bianchi on the Joys of Motherhood

Gina Bianchi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that the COVID baby bump is over as fewer Americans are choosing to have kids. Here to comment on the joys of motherhood is Gina Bianchi, a woman with four daughters and one son?

[Gina Bianchi slides in]

Gina Bianchi: Hi. Hey, sweetheart. Oh, you boys look so nice.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Gina. So you’re a mom of five . Tell us about motherhood.

Gina Bianchi: Oh my god. I love it. I mean, so I’ve got my four daughters. And you know, my daughter, they’re fine. But, my son. Oh my god, I love my son. Okay, so he came over last Sunday. He was hungover. I mean, he’s always hungover. What was he doing? He’s in my fridge. Okay, he’s pulling out ham, turkey, mayonnaise. He’s filling up a cooler. He leaves. Doesn’t say bye. I’m cracking up. And my daughter’s, they say, “You can’t take ma’s food. That’s ma’s food.” I say, “Who cares? Girls, shut up.” Anthony’s 38 years old. He’s a growing boy. Oh, my daughter is so annoying. But my son, oh I love my son.

Colin Jost: Right. I got it. So what would you tell someone that’s on the fence about having kids?

Gina Bianchi: They surprise you every day. Like yesterday, my son. [laughing] Oh, what was he doing? Oh, he was going through my wallet. The kid is pulling out $20, $40, $60 bills. He writes himself a check for 14 grand from my checkbook. Okay. What’s he writing on the memo? Putting up with ma. I’m dying over here. I’m dying over here. My daughters say, “That’s ma’s money. You can’t take ma’s money.” I’m like, “Girls, please. You’re not pretty enough to be this irritating.” But my son, oh my god, I love my son.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, no, we’ve heard a lot about your son. Well, why don’t you tell me about your daughters?

Gina Bianchi: They’re doctors. But my son, he did this hilarious prank last night where he pretended to rob me at gunpoint.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, that’s terrible.

Gina Bianchi: My daughter’s say “You can’t do that.” My daughters? Argh, they bought me a house. But my son? I mean, I would if I could.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Well, yeah. Let’s getting back to the topic of parenthood. Do you think your kids are going to have kids someday?

Gina Bianchi: Oh, please. There’s not a woman out there good enough for my son.

Colin Jost: Okay, so Anthony’s single.

Gina Bianchi: No. He’s been married for two years. And I just have this feeling, okay? That she has given him nothing in bed. Like she completely ignores his balls. What?

Colin Jost: Okay. Why are you thinking about that?

Gina Bianchi: Okay. And I bet she’s obsessed with having an orgasm. Like, no honey, that’s not how it works. When he’s done, you’re done.

Colin Jost: Gina Bianchi, everyone.

Gina Bianchi: I love all my kids equally.

Weekend Update- Biden Meets with Zelenskyy in Ukraine, the Oscars’ Crisis Team

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Zelenskyy]

This week, President Biden made a historic visit to Ukraine and met with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, where they greeted each other like two action figures having sex. Then on the one year anniversary of the war in Ukraine, both Biden and Vladimir Putin gave speeches about the conflict. There was a language barrier, but the subtitles helped me figure out what Biden was saying. Many Republicans are criticizing President Biden’s decision to go to the Ukraine instead of going to Ohio to deal with a toxic train derailment. But Biden said he was just waiting to shoot the train down until it was over the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden is being praised for his surprise visit to Ukraine by taking a 10 hour train ride from Poland. You know who else takes a long ass train ride through an active war zone? Every New Yorker.

[picture changes to Ukraine map]

China’s trying to help in the war in Ukraine and propose a 12 part plan for peace. The catch is the 12 parts have to be assembled by children.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump visited East Palestine the site of the recent train derailment because Trump usually likes to try to make himself look better by standing next to a train wreck. [picture changes to Giuliani]

The train that was derailed was carrying highly toxic vinyl chloride, which I think is something Trump recommended as a cure for COVID. Then while visiting the disaster site, Trump also gave out bottles of Trump branded water. Said residents, “Thanks but we’d rather drink the toxic train water.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture Pete Buttigieg.]

Michael Che: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots. But give him a break, that’s all they had at baby GAP.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here at a whites only rave has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6 attack on the Capitol. “Who could watch all that without going insane?” said psychiatrist about Tucker Carlson show.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene.]

Michael Che: Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted the country needs a national divorce, which makes sense because she’s the most divorce looking woman I have ever seen.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is releasing a new memoir called “The Courage To Be Free”. Even though the courage to be free sounds like a black history book he’s banned.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of The Oscars logo.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that the producers of this year’s Academy Awards have set up a crisis team to deal with any incidents similar to last year as Will Smith slap. Guys, it’s not gonna happen again. I’m sure you wish it would for ratings. If anything, the promos for the Oscars should be “Who’s gonna get slapped this year?” “Can Ana de Armas beat the  Tar out of Caitlyn?” “Which Banshee will knock the shoes off Marcel the Shell?” And “Who has what it takes to whale on Brendan Fraser?”

The Hippo

Shana… Ego Nwodim

Keith… Woody Harrelson

Jonas… James Austin Johnson

Blake… Mikey Day

Chloe fineman

Blake: Guys, can I get my cast for a second? So I just got off the phone with the studio.

Shana: Oh no, God, was it about that potential writer’s strike?

Blake: No, worse. The geniuses at the studio are no longer interested in a gut wrenching drama about obesity. So they’re shutting the film down. It’s a wrap on “The Hippo”. Movie is dead, guys.

Chloe: What?

Shana: For real?

Jonas: Seriously?

Blake: And the worst part is I know how much work you all did to prepare for your roles.

Shana: Yeah, a lot. I shadow the therapist for two weeks to get into character, Blake.

Blake: I know. I know. And Jonas drew a beard, which I know he hates.

Jonas: I do. I hate it?

Blake: And for his role, Keith gained 450 pounds in six months.

Keith: Yeah, and sorry, just to be clear, that movie is officially dead? As in we’re not making it?

Blake: No, “The Hippo” will never see the light of day.

Keith: Ah, well, that is- That’s rough to hear.

Chloe: Wait, so if we’re not making the movie, that means I dyed my hair brown for nothing?

Blake: Hey, hey, hey, it’s fine. Okay? We’re all upset. Keith. You look like this is hitting you pretty hard too buddy.

Keith: Yeah, I gotta say this is really unfortunate for me, personally.

Shana: For all of us. We all sacrifice for this film. I shadowed that therapist on my own time. I can’t get those two weeks back.

Keith: Right. And I gained 450 real pounds in six months. That’s a big lifestyle change. I have something called Triabetes now. It’s the one after diabetes.

Jonas: And I have this goddamn beard. [kicks a stool] Sorry, it’s itchy and growing it was a horrible experience.

Keith: I can relate, because gaining 450 pounds in six months also was not fun. I had to eat something called gristle loaf. Does anyone know about this? It’s a brick compressed- You know, it’s a compressed be fat and corn syrup.

Chloe: I know exactly how you feel Keith. My hair is like so brittle from the brown dot.

Keith: But this is gristle loaf, by the way. It’s what they feed sick elephants at the zoo to get them back to their normal way. Ate nine of these a day because I thought I would win the Oscar.

Blake: Yeah, and you would have. Dammit. I should have seen this coming. Studio was fighting me from day one. Shana, did you know they wanted your part to be played by a white woman?

Shana: The sad thing is I’m not surprised.

Blake: And Jonas, they wanted to cut you out of act three.

Jonas: And then there’d be what? No resolution to the custody battle storyline? God they’re so afraid of original ideas.

Blake: And get this. Instead of gaining 450 pounds in six months, they wanted Keith wear a fat suit.

Keith: Was that an option?

Blake: Yeah. But I told them. I said “Keith is a method actor. He’s not going to wear a fat suit.”

Keith: Oh, yeah. I’m really kind of wish you brought me into that conversation.

Blake: Oh really? That’s my bad, man. I’m sorry guys, this whole thing is my bad. But look at least you guys are free. You okay?

[Keith sits on a couch]

At least you guys are free to do other projects, right? Like Keith, you had an offer for a Marvel movie, right?

Keith: I think that ship has sailed. I’m not exactly in X Men shape.

Mkey: Right, well, something else will come along. All right. Well, I do this on all my films guys. On our last day as set, we all say one thing this experience gave us. So I’ll go first. I have 28 new friends.

Jonas: I have one hell of a story.

Shana: I have a deeper respect for our craft.

Chloe: same.

Blake: Alright your turn Keith. I have…

Keith: … not seen my penis in four months.

Blake: Keith, you know what? Make that 29 new friends for me.

Keith: I wasn’t included in your original count?

Shana: Hey, did the studio same why they shut the movie down?

Blake: Oh, you’ll love this. They said the script is almost word for word the same as that Brendan Fraser movie “The whale”.

Jonas: Incredible film

Shana: I thought Brendan Fraser is going to win an Oscar.

Keith: Oh, good for him.