Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health and the COVID-19 Pandemic

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The CDC has announced that fully vaccinated Americans do not need to wear mask in most cases but many are still feeling anxiety and say they’re not ready to go fully mask-less yet. With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]
[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh, hi buddy. Thank you, Colin. Thank you guys. Thank you. Please stop. Thank you very much. Okay. Well, you wouldn’t know this because your life’s perfect. But it’s mental health awareness month. [cheers and applause] Oh, no. It’s fine. And my therapist said it’s important to pack the self care which is why she stopped taking my calls. If there’s one good thing about the pandemic besides getting Chrissy Teigen out of our lives, it’s– I’m relieved. It’s that I was actually excited when I found out we had to wear masks because I figured this sounds really crappy but I figured less people would recognize me, but it didn’t work because everyone can still recognize me from my eyes. You see someone who looks like he just woke up and hasn’t slept in days, it’s me. I was already so anxious before the pandemic. My brain didn’t have room for something new to panic about. I can’t start being afraid public restrooms will give me covid when I was already afraid they would give me AIDS.

Colin Jost: You can’t get AIDS from a toilet.

Pete Davidson: Hey, AIDS is a lot like SNL. It’s still here, it’s just no one’s gotten excited about it since the 90s. Lorne actually wrote that.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: It was his joke. The pandemic made me feel like I wasn’t alone. A lot of people became afraid to have food delivered which I was already scared of because I was sure the delivery guy would see my name on the receipt and impregnate my sandwich.

Colin Jost: Is that really something you’re afraid of?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yes. It used to be. That’s why I started ordering food under a new secret identity. I even got a new credit card with my new fake name.

Colin Jost: Yes. That’s actually my American Express card. It’s been missing for days.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I never felt safer. People love you, Colin. So much better than my Discover Plus.

Colin Jost: And do you have any advice for people who are afraid of returning to normal?

Pete Davidson: Yes. That if you’re vaccinated, it’s okay to relax. People aren’t getting the vaccine because they think it’s just Bill Gates trying to put microchip inside of you. But trust me, if he was that much of an evil genius, Linda would have signed a prenup.

Colin Jost: Someone really liked that. What would you say to all the people who don’t want to get vaccinated?

Pete Davidson: I think if you don’t want to get the shot, you don’t have to. We just need to make sure you don’t infect others. So, we should let all the anti-vax people live in one place and make their own weird laws and do whatever drugs they want, and alright, yeah, that’s Florida.

Colin Jost: Wouldn’t that be dangerous for all the retired people who live there?

Pete Davidson: Well, that’s the beauty part. Once the un-vaxed people are in Florida together, we airdrop a crate of oxycontin pills laced with the Pfizer vaccine on to a Jimmy Buffet concert. Problem solved.

Colin Jost: Not everyone in Florida does O-pills.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Well, we’ll also put it in the meth. The pandemic has taught me that we never really know what the future holds. And it’s also taught me to be grateful. And I’m very grateful to be here and it’s been an honor to grow up in front of you guys. So, thanks.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update- Jeanine Pirro on the Mexico–United States Border

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: And now, as a last special treat, here to give her parting thoughts tonight is judge Jeanine Pirro.

[Jeanine Pirro slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I have not seen you in a while.

Jeanine Pirro: [spilling a little wine on Colin Jost every time she talks] Oh, I’m still here. My show on Fox is on every Saturday at nine, a full hour before the nursing homes turn off the TV in the lobby. But I did take some time off recently. I went down to the most luxurious place on earth, Mar-A-Lago. Oh, it’s like being on a cruise ship that’s permanently docked in the hottest part of Florida in between two classy strip clubs, you know, where the gals wear ball gowns. There’s an endless buffet of rubbery shrimp and the air smells like a bathroom stall that’s been freshly sprayed with poopouri.

Colin Jost: That sounds wonderful, but you really don’t have to be so loud.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, go ahead and judge me, Colin. But I’m proud to be a small town girl who grew up on an airport turmac.

Colin Jost: I’m assuming you’re not very happy with the job that president Biden is doing.

Jeanine Pirro: He’s a disaster! Have you seen the border? If Joe Biden had his way, we’d let everyone in from El Chapo to Del Taco.

Colin Jost: I’m not sure that’s true.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I am. And now they want to put Kamala Harris in charge of the border. Sorry, Kama-lama-ding-dong. Not on my watch.

Colin Jost: That seems a little racist.

Jeanine Pirro: A little racist? Have you been listening to me? Colin, even as I watch our beautiful country get over run by a gang of MS-Colin Jost3 angriest Mexican lesbians, I’m still standing strong. Because I always did it my way. Hold that Colin. [passes the wine glass to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Sure.

[music playing]

Jeanine Pirro: [singing] Now, the end is near
and so I face the final curtain

Sorry, Colin.

[singing] Friends, I’ll say it clear, 

I made my case of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full

Bring in my other wine.

I traveled each and every highway.

[someone brings in a giant glass container full of wine with a giant straw]

And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

[Jeanine Pirro gets into the giant container of wine]
[Jeanine Pirro fills her empty glass, and swinging her hand to the music, throws the wine on Colin Jost.]

I did it my way
I did it my way

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Liz Cheney on the Republican Party

Colin Jost

Liz Chaney… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, Liz Cheney lost her leadership position this week for criticizing Trump. Here to comment is Liz Chaney.

[Liz Chaney slides in]

Liz Chaney: Hello. Hi, everyone.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here. It’s been quite a week for you.

Liz Chaney: That’s right. I was kicked out of the republican party. I fell down to hell like Lil Nas X. I cracked with the devil and bounced back up on to MSNBC. Colin, the republican party is changing. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong. Look at me, I am everything a conservative woman is supposed to be. Blonde, mean…

Colin Jost: And?

Liz Chaney: I was done. And Colin, it’s going to be okay because people are on my side. Brave republicans ready to speak to truth and start a movement. And there are more of us than you think.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? Like, who?

Liz Chaney: It’s me, Adam Kinzinger, Chris Wallace, Dick Chaney, and Romney, her horses, Colin Jost… fingers crossed.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I’m not joining.

Liz Chaney: Are you sure? George Conway, Nancy Regan’s ghost, Meghan McCain… is not in, but I’m working on her. It’s Jared–

Colin Jost: Kushner?

Liz Chaney: No, Subway. Colin, this is the grand implosion of Trumpism. You don’t even know the size of the tsunami that’s coming. We’re talking me, Omorosa, five white women, maybe six. Have I said me?

Colin Jost: Yes. Several times.

Liz Chaney: I know, Colin. I know. It’s not great. Conservatives are leaving me high and dry. And what more can I do for you people? I oppose gay marriage even though my own sister is a les. I even tried to take away protections for gray bulls. If gay marriage is number one for lesbians, wolf rescue is number two. I shoot buffalo in the ass. And I am not conservative enough? To borrow a line, I’m sure Colin uses a lot, “Do you know who my father is?”

Colin Jost: I’ve never said that.

Liz Chaney: Republicans, I’m trying to save you. You’re like horses who won’t leave a burning barn. You’re gonna die. Accept the help. Trump lost… to my chagrin. I voted for him. I loved him like a straight sister. But he lost. And he incited a riot and that’s the truth. And I will do everything in my power to keep him from becoming president again.

Colin Jost: Great. And what is that?

Liz Chaney: It’s going to be me, Lisa Murkowski’s mom–

Colin Jost: Liz Chaney, everyone.

Liz Chaney: And Melania. This is her idea. She needs this.

The Muppet Show

Kermit the frog

Lily Tomlin… Melissa Villaseñor

Audience puppet 1

Audience puppet 2

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Kay

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Disley+, home of Wanda Vision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and the up coming Hawkeye and his boring ass family. And now, the muppet show.

[Cut to show intro]

Kermit the frog: Thank you, thank you. I am Kermit the frog and once again, to the ‘Muppet Show’. You all having a good time?

[Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1 are two puppets at the audience]

Lily Tomlin: We were. But then you came out.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Our special guest tonight is the legendary actress, singer, write and comedian, Lily Tomlin. Yay!

[Audience puppet 2 walks in]

Audience puppet 2: Oh, please. Come on. Why do I say yes to stuff like this? I don’t know.

Kermit the frog: Wow! I can’t believe Lily Tomlin is here. Talk about a show stopper.

Lily Tomlin: Sounds great. I’d do anything for this show to stop.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Friends, our show tonight is going to be a blast.

Audience puppet 1: Yeah. Because it’s a bomb!

Lily Tomlin: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Two securities walk in]

Kenan: Hey! shut up!

Lily Tomlin: Finally, something entertaining is happening.

Kenan: Hey! Shut up!

Keegan: Not going to tell you again, fella!

Kenan: Just shut up.

Keegan: What happens next is up to you.

Kermit the frog: Okay. Tonight, an incredible stunt by Gonzo the great and stand up comedy by Fuzzie Bear.

Audience puppet 1: As in his comedy will make you  stand up and go get a refund.

[Two securities walk in again]

Kenan: Ay! What did I just say?

Keegan: What he just said, fellas?

Audience puppet 1: But the show is–

Kenan: We don’t give a hot damn about the show.

Keegan: We work for the venue.

Kenan: That’s right. And the venue has rules. They are printed on the back of your ticket. Follow them and we won’t have a problem.

Keegan: Everybody here paid a good money to hear this little dragon and his friends do their thing. So please, let them do their thing without talking.

Lily Tomlin: But the show is bad.

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Audience puppet 1: But–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Lily Tomlin: We just–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave. Do you understand? Sorry for the interruption, Kramer.

Kermit the frog: Kermit the frog.

Keegan: Okay. Well, please continue.

Kermit the frog: Thanks. So, Lily, are you excited for the show tonight?

Audience puppet 2: Oh, I suppose. They asked me to do a ‘grace and frankie’ parody called ‘grace and piggy’. What is this? Why am I here? I don’t know what I’m doing.

Lily Tomlin: You hear that? She said she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Audience puppet 1: Then she’ll fit right in.

[Keegan comes behind them]

Keegan: Y’all gonna learn! Y’all gonna learn!

[Keegan starts beating up Audience puppet 1. Kenan runs in to stop Keegan.]

Kenan: Alright. Alright. You’re going to kill him.

Keegan: Get your hands off me, man. I’m good. He’s over here being disrespectful.

Kenan: Just drink some water, man, and cool off.

Keegan: Okay. I’ll go get some water.

Kenan: Look, guys. I’m sorry. Alright? Obviously, I’m not a big fan of this show either. I mean, it’s a mess back stage. Dude with orange hair just blowing things up. Penguin and chicken turds everywhere. Too mad cap for my taste. But love it or hate it, no more heckling. Alright? We good?

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, sure. Your friend’s insane, by the way.

Kenan: I know. I know. You okay sir?

Audience puppet 1: My eyes are swollen. I can’t even see the stage!

Lily Tomlin: Don’t worry. You’re not missing much. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Kenan starts beating up Lily Tomlin]

Keegan: You know what? You’re bounced.

Kenan: It’s time to go!

[Kenan and Keegan carry Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1]

Keegan: Snap! We didn’t realize you guys didn’t have no legs.

Kenan: Oh man, that is my bad.

Keegan: That’s on me, player. That’s on me.

Kenan: Sorry about that. We didn’t know y’all was veteran.

Keegan: Thank you for your service.

Kermit the frog: Would you guys keep it down up there? We’re trying to do a show.

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, trying and failing.

Kenan: Ha-ha. That one was actually pretty good.

Keegan: Y’all mind if I try one?

Audience puppet 2: Please.

Keegan: Hey, Kramer!

Kermit the frog: What?

Keegan: Hey, Kramer! You stupid!

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Keegan: That felt good.

Lily Tomlin: Good first effort.

The Last Dance- Extended Scene

Mikey Day

Michel Jordan… Keegan-Michael Key

John… Heidi Gardner

Dennis Rodman… Chris Redd

Phil Jackson… Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mikey speaking]

Mikey narrating: One year ago, my documentary about Michael Jordan’s final season with the Bulls “Last Dance” aired on ESPN. And even though it was 10 hours long, there was so much left on the cutting room floor. So tonight, I’d like to share an extended scene that I think really speaks wo what made Michael Jordan such a great competitor. Enjoy.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan]

Micahel Jordan: Game five, Bulls/Suns, tipoff is in two hours. I’m playing quarters on the wall with my head of security John here. John, say hi.

John: Well, I’m ready for my close up.

Micahel Jordan: So, whoever gets this quarter closest to the wall wins. I’m going to take $5 off of him. Watch this.

John: Alright, we’ll see.

[Micahel Jordan throws the coin]

Oh, how about I take that from you?

[John throws the coin further than Micahel Jordan]

I win!

Micahel Jordan narrating: He won. I was happy for him. But he did that little shrug and I took that personally.

Micahel Jordan: Again.

John: Oh, okay. I think I got another five side on me.

Micahel Jordan: $1000 this time.

John: No, man. I don’t carry that kind of, what do the kids call it? Cheese.

Micahel Jordan: I spot you. I spot you.

[John throws the coin]

John: Oh, no. That’s financially rough for me. My wife’s not going to like that.

Dennis Rodman narrating: See, with Michael, he had to win. That’s what made him great.

[Micahel Jordan wins this time]

Phil Jackson narrating: I mean, he’s about to play for an NBA title and here he is taking little locker room game. Seriously, just amazing.

Micahel Jordan: Well, how much money you owe me now?

John: $9000.

Micahel Jordan: Oh, that’s nothing. You can make that in a day.

John: I can’t.

Micahel Jordan: You can.

[door knocks. Charles Barkley is peeking inside.]

Oh, there he is. The enemy. Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: What’s up? How are y’all doing? Oh, what you’re playing? Quarters to the wall? Man, I love that game. Let me play. What you playing: $5000 a throw?

John: Okay, well you two have fun.

Micahel Jordan: No, no. John, stay.

John: No, because I don’t make that kind of money.

Charles Barkley: Well, bet your pants then.

John: Not gonna look great if I lose my pants. But well… It’s a dream team.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan holding John’s pants]

Micahel Jordan: Oh, look at these pleets.

Charles Barkley: That’s a sharp pleet.

John: Alright, come on. They wouldn’t even fit you, man. Come on. Let me win it back. I’ll get my pants. [throws the coin]

Dennis Rodman narrating: The thing about Michael is he didn’t just want to beat you. He wanted to dominate you.

Micahel Jordan: John, now you owe me a gun.

John: [pulls his gun out] This is loaded.

Dennis Rodman narrating: He wanted to embarrass you.

Micahel Jordan: What’s the bet? You said you’d show it.

[John shows his penis. Everyone’s laughing.]

John: Maybe if I was seven feet tall, mine would look like your’s. Alright? But you know what? It’s a story I can tell the grand kids I showed Michael Jordan my [bleep]. Let’s go again.

Micahel Jordan narrating: If you’re not playing to win, why play?

Charles Barkley: You hustling me, MJ. [handing over a ton of money] But you know what? I’ma settle this on the ocurt.

Micahel Jordan: Shut up. I’ma whoop your ass, man. Hey, John, give me those glasses.

John: Oh, I really need it Mike. I’m security. I got to be able to see.

Micahel Jordan: A bet’s a bet.

John: You’re right. He’s right.

Dennis Rodman narrating: Never throw quarters with Jordan. I wouldn’t do it. I lost everything once.

[John is throwing coin without being able to see.]

Micahel Jordan: One more time. Let’s go.

John: Man, I got nothing left.

Micahel Jordan: One night with your wife.

John: No, man. Alright, let’s go. Come on.

John speaking on the phone: Don’t be like that. It’s just one night. Hello? Okay. She hung up so it’s official. I’m in the dog house.

Micahel Jordan: Let’s go. One more.

John: Mike, I got to say no.

Micahel Jordan: If you win, I’m gonna give everything back. Your’e going to get your ring. You’re going to get your gun. You’re going to get your pants. Everything.

John: And what do you get?

Micahel Jordan: What do I get? Your hair.

John: You have a problem.

Micahel Jordan narrating: What can I say? I like to win.

Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.] [Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update- The Iceberg on the Sinking of the Titanic

Colin Jost

Iceberg… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next year marks the anniversary of sinking of the Titanic. Here to explain his side of the story is the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

[Iceberg slides in]

Iceberg: Hi, Colin. Thanks for having me. This is always a weird time in the year for me.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you for being here. Just tell us, what was going through your head that fateful night?

Iceberg: Thank you for that question. You know what, Colin? That was a really long time ago. I’ve done a lot of reflecting to trying to move past it. It’s one very small part of me but there’s so much going on beneath the surface that you can’t see.

Colin Jost: Right. Like an iceberg. What would you say though to the families of those who perished in the cold north Atlantic waters that night?

Iceberg: Okay. No. These are not the questions we discussed. This isn’t very nice, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s not nice?

Iceberg: Sorry, I think my publicist was very clear. I’m not here to talk about the sinking.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what else would we be talking about?

Iceberg: I’m here to promote my album.

Colin Jost: You have an album?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s a hyper-pop, EDM, new disco fantasia. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: Your album is called Music?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: It’s really cool. I just think that a lot of people might rather hear about the Titanic.

Iceberg: My god. Okay. Wow. Fine, you want to do this? Let’s do this. First of all, you came to where I live and you hit me. It was midnight. I was chilling. Then I hear this Irish cacophony behind me. Not to be offensive, but like, ta-na-na-na-na. I’m sorry. That’s what it sounded like. It was full of river dance. And before I turn around, half my ass is gone! It was my best feature. And I am literally injured. But all everybody cares is like, 40 or 50 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: Well, it was 1500 people.

Iceberg: Why are you attacking me? You said you’d be my Oprah, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, I never said that.

Iceberg: Someone did. But why are people still talking about this? They bumped into me. I said, “I’m sorry”, which is insane. But whatever. And then they’re playing the violin and yelling, and the old people are like, spooning in the bed ready to die. I was looking at this and I was like, “Oh my god. They’re going to make a movie about this.”

Colin Jost: It sounds like you think you’re the victim here.

Iceberg: Well, everyone’s talking about me. No one’s talking about the water! What did the autopsy say? They iceberged? No! They drowned, bitch! That’s not me. That’s water. But nobody’s canceling the ocean.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you aren’t taking any responsibility?

Iceberg: Obviously, I hate that 20 or 30 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: It’s 1500.

Iceberg: But it’s like, “Hey, white star line. You built a bad boat. It didn’t work out. That’s on you, honey.” Now, can we please talk about my album?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Iceberg: Thank you. I’m really proud of it. It’s 12 tracks, no skips, swear to god. This is my new single. I think you’ll like it. It’s called ‘Lover Boy’.

[music playing] [singing] Come on over and kiss me boy
Hold my hand in your brand new house
I know you don’t ever want to miss me boy
so let’s watch a movie tonight in your house

touch me while the room is spinning
kiss me, let’s go eat some dinner
wine me dine me, I had early lunch
I’m hungry for you, lover boy

Colin Jost: The Iceberg from Titanic, everyone.

Iceberg: It’s not my name.

Colin Jost: It’s your name. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Pineapple on the Paul Pierce Scandal

Michael Che

Pineapple…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Paul Pierce was fired from his job as an analyst or ESPN after filming a wild party on Instagram live where he was surrounded by strippers. Here with more on that story is one of the strippers, Pineapple.

[Pineapple slides in]

Pineapple: Yeah. Hey! What’s going on? Hey, boo. I would prefer my full name Pineapple Penelope Peters, please.

Michael Che: Okay, Pineapple Penelope Peters. So, tell us what happened?

Pineapple: Okay, well, Big Che Mike, that is your name, right? Big Che Mike.

Michael Che: Sure.

Pineapple: Well, I want to know why Paul Pierce got fired for throwing one of the biggest parties of the year. Is it against ESPN policy to love big asses?

Michael Che: I mean, they’re owned by Disney. So, yeah, it kind of is.

Pineapple: Listen, everybody. Paul Pierce is a saint. He gave us, strippers, jobs during a very tough time. Ain’t nobody looking out for us, exotic dances in this pandemic. I haven’t danced at the Golden Cobra in months. I even did a few Zoom, but they didn’t work. You know how hard it is to clap your ass in front the camera while somebody yell, “Ay, you muted!”

Michael Che: I’m sorry to hear that. But didn’t you have a point about Paul Pierce.

Pineapple: Oh, yes. $Michael Che0.

Michael Che: Seriously?

Pineapple: Can a fish walk? Get me my money.

Michael Che: Alright. Luckily, I keep stripper money here. [gives $Michael Che0 to Pineapple] Here you go.

Pineapple: Thank you. Okay, now. I just want to tell everybody three reasons why Paul Pierce should not have been fired. Can I have the desk?

Michael Che: Of course. Please.

Pineapple: Thank you.

[music stars playing. Pineapple puts her leg up on the desk and starts shaking her butt.]

Michael Che: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? We’re on TV.

Pineapple: But you said I could have the desk.

Michael Che: I mean just to talk to the people.

Pineapple: Oh, I’m sorry. Stripper brain. Okay. Reason number one. He got us all 4-for-4s from Wendy’s and you know I love my frosty. I put my little fries. You know. Reason number two, we didn’t have to pick up our money off the floor. He had a maid come in and sweep it up off the floor for us and put it in garbage bags. You know, classy. Reason number three, not only did he give us unlimited tequila shots, but he gave us all vaccine shots as well boo. I got the one and done.

Michael Che: Ah! You got the Johnson&Johnson?

Pineapple: No. I got that Jackson and Jackson. See, Tido and Lataya, they got their own line of vaccines going on.

Michael Che: That is not a vaccine, Pineapple.

Pineapple: [looking at Michael Che] Oh, wait a minute. Boy, you look familiar.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Pineapple: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve been to your apartment before. I did that pole split on your cow-printed rug. I was the one saying, “Mooo!”

Michael Che: No. Pineapple, everybody.

The War in Words- Bertie and Mary

Bertie… Mikey Day

Mary.. Carey Mulligan

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the History channel. At 10, it’s “All dogs go to hell: Hitler’s hounds in color”. But first, it’s “The war in words: Letters from the line.”

[Cut to intro]

Male voice: The letters from Lieutenant Bertie Pembrook of the royal Navy and his wife, Mary, 1943.

[Cut to Bertie write a letter’]

Bertie: My dearest Mary. The sea is quiet today. The German U-boat attacks have seized for now. [cut to Mary reading the letter] My thoughts drift as they often do to you, my dear wife. Tell me, love. Do you think of me? Your adoring husband, Bertie.

[Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Dear Bertie, yes. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie reading the letter and looking over if theres anything else written.]

Bertie: [writing the letter] Dearest Mary, i was thrilled to receive your letter. But alas, it was over so quickly. Your words do much to brighten my spirit, so tell me an amusing story or perhaps, a joke. Your’s, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Dear Bertie. Knock-knock. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Dear Mary, I fear the knock-knock joke structure does not lend itself to letters. Instead, and I hope I’m not being too forward, would you send me something a bit naughty? It is lonely at sea. Your blushing Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, you rascal. I shall do as you say and send along something naughty. But you better not pass it around your friends, dirty boy. Your naughty wife, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary! You have sent me cocaine! When I said naughty, I meant a racy photo, not an illegal narcotic. But I have bigger worries. Last night, my dear friend Steven was shot and died in my arms. Saddened at sea, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, don’t panic. As long as nobody saw you kill him, they can’t prove it was you. Trust me, I’ve been dow this road before. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: My love, I did not kill Steven. It was the Nazis, obviously. And what do you men you’ve been down this road before? Have you been involved in a murder? Concerned, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, no. Wink-wink. But smart movie blaming at Nazi. People don’t seem to like them much, even though the ones I met at dinner the other night were lovely. Yours, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary! You had dinner with the Nazis the other night? How? Why? details please. Alarmed in the Atlantic, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, oh you know me, always making new friends. By the way, I went to visit your parents the other day enclosing the photo of the three of us. With love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Dear god, Mary. What happened to my parents? [the picture she sent was a photo of her and tombstones] This is a photo of you in a graveyard. Why did you not tell me they passed away? Worried on the waves, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter] Mary: Bertie, I wanted to tell you in person, but you’ve been off with your friends.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: I’ve been at war!

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: But good news, as you know by now, Germany surrendered. I was visiting my sister in New York when we heard. We took to the streets to celebrate. A photo of me has been wound up on a magazine. Enclosing a copy along with a little gift. Your covergirl, Mary.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary, stop sending me cocaine. And as for the magazine, who the hell are you kissing? [opens the cocaine packet] Alright, you know what? I’m actually going to do this.

Male voice: This has been, “The war in words”

The Job Interview

Donald… Regé-Jean Page

Mr. Foster… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald getting in for the interview]

PA: [opening the door] You can go right in.

Mr. Foster: Hey there, you must be Donald.

Donald: Honor to meet you, Mr. Foster.

Mr. Foster: Please. Mr. Foster was my father. Call me Mr. Foster Jr.

Donald: I have to say, in person job interviews, pretty rare these days.

Mr. Foster: Well, here at Mix Marshall Media, we don’t exactly play by the rules. but I’m sure you’re aware of that.

Donald: Yes. I was very intrigued by the company. I’ve never heard of ad agency that works on spec. So, you make ads for companies that didn’t hire you to make ads?

Mr. Foster: That’s right. Sounds like a terrible business model, but trust me, business is booming.

[PA runs in with a note. The note says, “We’re losing millions”.]

So, I take you’ve seen some of our work? What are some of your favorites?

Donald: Well, the ones on your wall are all classics. “Charmin, use after you poop.”

Mr. Foster: Yeah, they passed on that.

Donald: “Lego, bet you can’t eat just one.”

Mr. Foster: That was a pass that later became a lawsuit.

Donald: And “Doritos 4D, open wide.”

Mr. Foster: [whispering] 4D is a D.

Donald: And I can’t help but notice, it’s not your only ad to feature a penis.

Mr. Foster: Unfortunately, we had to blur them to stand.

Donald: Oh, so they did air on TV?

Mr. Foster: Oh, no. For courtroom standards. For the lawsuits.

[Pa runs in with a note. The note says, “They have your daughter”.]

Hmm.

Donald: Your website also says you invent mascots for companies?

Mr. Foster: That’s correct. You know how our Planters had Mr. Peanut? Well, we approached Maxwell House coffee about creating Mrs. Maxwell.

Donald: And you chose Ghislaine Maxwell? The associate of Jeffery Abstein?

Mr. Foster: That’s what Maxwell House said. Well, they yelled at our lawyer.

[PA runs in with a note. The note says, “Your mom is topless in the lobby”.

She’s early.

Tell me, why do you think you’re MMM material? Sorry, I stuttered. Material.

Donald: Well, I worked for six years  at BBDO.

Mr. Foster: Ah! That’s a great firm.

Donald: No. BBDO, the dating app. Big Beautiful Dongs Only.

Mr. Foster: Oh. That’s a great app.

Donald: And then I saw that you guys were looking for a new art director and I thought, “Well, what’s the harm in applying?”

[PA runs in with a note, this time for Donald. The note says, “Hi.”]

Mr. Foster: Did you bring your portfolio?

Donald: I did.

[showing his portfolio]

Mr. Foster: [reading] “UPS, go fetch.” And he’s throwing the package into the ocean?

Donald: Yeah. That’s why it gives you the sense the package is going all around the world.

Mr. Foster: And I like how the waves are going in the wrong direction.

Donald: [showing different picture] Here’s another one. The all new Chevy Bolt.

Mr. Foster: [reading] “Move over, Usain Bold. There’s a new Bolt in town.” And the car’s running over you saying “Bolt”.

Donald: Yeah. Cuts him in half, then it laughs. That’s what the “Ha-ha-ha” is.

Mr. Foster: Right. I love that detail. And I’m guessing so will Chevy.

Donald: And here’s one for eBay. [showing another picture] And again, some of the art is temp.

Mr. Foster: [reading] “eBay, too bad you can’t sell women on this site… or can you?” And then there’s a lightbulb.

Donald: To show that it’s a great idea.

Mr. Foster: Well, you’ve given us a lot to think about. And by us, I mean me. And by a lot, I mean a little. Say, that’s that last drawing you’ve got in there?

[Donald covers the drawing]

Donald: Oh, it’s nothing.

Mr. Foster: Oh, come on. Let me see it.

Donald: [intense voice] I said, it’s nothing.

Mr. Foster: [intense voice] And I said, let me see it.

Donald: You know what? I think I got something else I’d rather show you. [puts his hand inside his jacket pocket]

Mr. Foster: So do I.

[they both pull out a sponge stick and start hitting each other] [PA runs in]

PA: Stop it, you’ll kill each other.

Mr. Foster: Not bad.

Donald: Yeah, not bad yourself. You know what? I think you’ve earned this. [showing the last drawing]

Mr. Foster: [looking at the drawing] It’s an ad for Netflix. It’s perfect.

Donald: Yeah, I know. And now, I think my work here is done.

[Donald puts on his had, then disappears.]

PA: He took my hat.

Mr. Foster: Forget about your hat. Get Kevin Netflix on the phone and tell him I’m about to save his company.

[cut to the ad]

Male voice: Netflix, we have porn now.