Director … Beck Bennett[Starts with Emma driving to her work]
Narration: I’ve been trying to make it as an actress for years, but I was sick of doing commercials of playing one dimensional women with vacant lives. Then one day, life came knocking. This time with the challenge.[Cut to shooting set]
Emma Stone: Excuse me. Hello. I’m grace. Are you the director of the film?[Cut to the director]
Director: What?[Cut to Emma]
Emma Stone: I’m the lead actress. I play the woman who gets cheated on the gay porn.[Cut to the director]
Director: Oh, yeah.[Cut to Emma]
Emma Stone: I wanted to ask you about my line if you have a moment. I open the door, and I say, “Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.” Like that?[Cut to a young boy working out behind the director] [Cut to Emma]
Emma Stone: Is that my god son?[Cut to the director]
Director: Yeah.[Cut to Emma]
Emma Stone: Fascinating.[Cut to the director]
Director: You’ll put on whatever you want from the woman thing. You’ll get your mean voucher after we wrap.[Cut to Emma]
Emma Stone: Oh, thank you. [Emma goes to change] Oh, Lube.
Narration: [Emma goes through the woman’s stuff] The director’s method was guidance regarding the character. All I had were clues, pieces, a puzzle of the woman’s life. Two pairs of loose sweat pants, a single ugg boot, a couple of batteries and some happy 2017 glasses. Who are you, Deirdre? That’s the name I gave her. [Cut to the director talking to other actors] The first scene was rough.
Director: Action![Emma walks in]
Narration: I was having trouble finding her.
Emma Stone: I’m going to the mall. Perhaps I’ll get some flowers to brighten up the place. The house could use some color, no? If you need me, you can reach me on my cell phone.[Cut to the director]
Director: Cut. Just say what’s in the script.[Cut to Emma and the director]
Emma Stone: I was just trying to act as Deirdre.
Director: There’s nothing to her. People are just going to scroll past you so they can get off. She has no past, no future. She exists only to be cheated on. Say what’s on the script.
Emma Stone: Thank you.
Director: Action![Cut to Emma]
Emma Stone: Jared, I’m getting my nails at the mall. Now teach my godson push-ups right before our wedding, Jared.
Director: Cut. That’s great. [Cut to the director] Nice and flat. On the real stuff . If you don’t want to watch, you can sit on a folding chair just outside. I’ll call you when it’s time for you to catch them in the act.[Cut to Emma]
Emma Stone: When they betray me.[Cut to Emma sitting at the side of the swimming pool practicing her lines]
Narration: I was riddled.
Emma Stone: Jared, how could you?
Narration: I didn’t know if I would find Deirdre in time.
Emma Stone: Not with my god son. Jared, Jared.
Director: Wife, we’re ready for you.
Narration: And then just when I thought she’d never come to me.[Emma goes to the set]
Director: Action.[Cut to Emma]
Narration: She did.
Emma Stone: Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.[Cut to Emma’s depiction of her character’s past]
Narration: I saw the rich and beautiful back story of this woman. Her childhood, her first job. The night she met Jared.
Crowd: Three, two, one, happy new year![Cut to Jared and Deirdre]
Narration: The promises she was told.
Jared: I will love you, a woman, forever.
Narration: Her god son’s 18th birthday.[Cut to Deirdre and her god son]
Deirdre: I know how much you like batteries.
Narration: And all another times she was blindsided by life.
Deirdre: Jared, someone broke in and stole my left ugg boot. Jared, you have a second cell phone? Jared, why is my god son sleeping over?
Narration: I felt the bruises and scars from the past. I saw what led her here.[Cut to Deirdre talking to her god son]
Deirdre: You would never hurt me.
Narration: And I saw her in the present walking in on the love of her life with her god son. [Cut to Emma on her shooting set] And then Deirdre took over and said –
Emma Stone: Jared, I forgive you.
Director: Cut. [Cut to the director] We’ll edit that out. Just give her the meal voucher.[Cut to Emma getting in her car]
Emma Stone: Deirdre, how do I get you out of me? I can’t take you with me. I’m sorry. This is it. Good bye. [Emma puts her hands on steering wheel] Oh, how did I get lube on me?