Aidy Bryant
Kate McKinnon
Jennifer Lopez
The corporal… Beck Bennett
[Starts with a show’s intro]
Announcer: Now we return to 1955. What do you figure is going on in that house?
[Cut to two women grooming each other]
Aidy: Well, sister, today is the day.
Kate: Yes. The corporal is coming for a visit to pick a wife.
Aidy: Yes. That’s right. He’s going to pick between us sisters, whoever is the most beautiful.
Kate: Well, we know he’ll take me because I’m the prettiest sister.
Aidy: No, I’m the prettiest sister.
[Third sister comes in]
Jennifer: Sisters. Did I miss the corporal?
Aidy and Kate: [yelling] No, get back in the room!
Jennifer: You’ll tell me when he’s here, right?
Aidy and Kate: Absolutely.
Jennifer: Well, I hope he likes me. Why do we keep all these mirrors covered? I wish I knew what I looked like.
Aidy: No, you don’t. You look like a toad.
Kate: Yes. Like a stinky man foot.
Aidy: Yes, look. We have a photograph of you.
[Aidy shows a horrible drawing of a stick-person]
Jennifer: Oh, that’s me?
Aidy: Yes, this is the best one we’ve got.
Kate: Yes, now go back upstairs.
Jennifer: You’re so good to me.
[Jennifer leaves]
Aidy: Seeing her for some reason, makes me want to put on a lot of make-up.
Kate: Me as well.
Aidy: Fine!
[Aidy and Kate walks to the mirror and starts putting on some makeup]
Kate: Here we are. I’ll put on some rouge to impress the corporal.
Aidy: Ah! Well, so will I. He’ll have no choice but to find me gorgeous.
Kate: Yes. Then I’ll put on more. I’ll be so pink he’ll have to make me his new wife.
Aidy: Well sister, you look stressed. Here, I made you a drink.
Kate: Why, that’s a cup of pills.
Aidy: Ah, so it is.
Kate: Oh, you just reminded me. Cartier sent a necklace for you. OH. Here, try this on. [It’s a rope people use for hanging to take their lives]
Aidy: Why, that’s a rope.
Kate: Oh, silly me.
Aidy: Well, sister, you have some lipstick on your teeth. Here, I’ll get it for you. [Aidy points a gun at Kate]
Kate: That’s a shot gun. Oh, well, so it is. I thought it was a Q-tip.
[Cut to the third sister walking in]
Jennifer: Sisters! I heard a commotion. Has the corporal arrived?
Aidy and Kate: Get back in the room!
Jennifer: Please, can’t I stay? I’ve never seen a man. Can’t I have a peek?
[Cut to Aidy and Kate]
Kate: What do you think?
Aidy: Well, we can’t have her barging in. Let’s keep her close but keep her hidden.
Kate: Right, right.
[Cut to everybody]
Aidy: Sister, you can stay but you have to be a coat rack.
Jennifer: Well, of course. Because of how ugly I am. Thanks for reminding me. I’ll be a coat rack. Like this.
[Jennifer poses with her hands behind her head.]
Aidy and Kate: No, no.
Kate: That’s too ugly. Wroof! Is there a dog in here?
Aidy: Yeah, that won’t do. I know, we’ll put you in the bird cage.
Jennifer: Yes. Good idea. [Jennifer walks in the big bird’s cage herself] While I’m in here, I’ll make myself useful and polish the bars.
[Cut to Aidy and Kate]
Aidy and Kate: No. no. no.
Aidy: The corporal would hate that.
Kate: We can’t have her move.
Aidy: I know, it’s too damn hot when she moves.
Kate: Yes! Right.
Aidy: Let’s tie her to the bed.
[Cut to Jennifer]
Jennifer: Yes. Tie my hands above my head and make sure my feet are far apart so I can’t untie with my toes.
[Cut to Aidy and Kate]
Aidy: Okay, you know what? Hearing that out loud, that sounds ugly.
Kate: Right, right. Maybe grunt a lot so he knows you’re a toad.
[Cut to Jennifer]
Jennifer: Oh, good idea. Good idea. [Jennifer starts moaning] Oh! Oh! OH! OH!
[Cut to Aidy and Kate]
Aidy: Okay, men hate that. And even I hate that a little bit.
Kate: She needs to be silent.
Jennifer: Good idea. [Cut to Jennifer] Maybe—maybe you should stuff a big sausage in my mouth.
[Cut to Aidy and Kate]
Kate: That feels like something.
Aidy: Yes. Sister, try to hide her is making it harder. You’re right. We need to take care of her.
Kate: Sister, listen, if you want to meet the corporal, you’ll need to know how to kiss.
[Cut to Jennifer]
Jennifer: Wait! Do you think he’d want to kiss me? A girl with a deadly shellfish allergy?
[Cut to everybody]
Aidy: Well, that’s why you have to practice on this man. [Aidy gives Jennifer a lobster]
Jennifer: So, that’s what a man looks like?
Kate: Yes, They’re small, and they’re lobsters.
Jennifer: Okay. Hello. [Jennifer starts kissing the lobster] Oh, oh, no. It is making my lips swell. Oh, no, he’ll hate this.
[Jennifer is pouting]
Aidy: Okay. We have to shoot her.
[Kate takes a gun out shoots at Jennifer. It only cuts off her upper dress and the dress becomes strapless.]
Aidy and Kate: No!
Aidy: Now it’s strapless. And she’s gorgeous!
Kate: Yeah, but so are we. You know what? It’s still anybody’s game.
Aidy: Oh, who will he pick?
[Doorbell rings]
Aidy and Kate: The corporal!
[The corporal walks in and in no time he makeshis pick]
The corporal: [pointing at Jennifer] Her!