Amy Schumer
Mikey Day
[Starts with Amy sleeping in her bed. Mikey peeks in from the door.]
Mikey: Good morning, honey. I’m sorry I didn’t make you breakfast. But our son did.
[A little boy walks in with a breakfast for Amy]
Amy: Oh.
Boy: Happy mother’s day, mommy.
Amy: Oh, honey. This is so great. You’re the sweetest. Thank you, sweetheart.
Mikey: I helped a little bit on the eggs, but he did the toast all by himself.
Amy: Well, [takes a bite] this is the best toast I’ve ever had.
Boy: Really?
Amy: Yes. Really. I am so lucky to be your mommy. The day you were born was the best day of my life.
Boy: What was it like?
Amy: The day you were born? It was amazing.
[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]
Doctor: Okay. Only a few more centimeters and you’ll be ready, okay?
Amy: How much bigger can a hole get?
Doctor: Just breathe.
Amy: Oh my [bleep]. My vagina hurts.
[Cut to Amy in her house with her son]
Boy: Were you scared, mommy?
Amy: Oh, no. I was excited. I had a big smile on my face the whole time. [turns to Mikey] Didn’t I?
Mikey: Oh, yeah.
[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]
Doctor: Guys, we’re gonna have to perform a episiotomy.
Amy: [screaming] No, no! Don’t cut my vulva.
[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]
Boy: Daddy, were you scared?
[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]
Mikey: Why does it look like that?
Amy: You are not a man!
[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]
Mikey: No, bud. Daddies don’t get scared.
[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]
Mikey: I’m not ready.
Amy: You are not a man.
[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]
Boy: Then what happened?
Amy: The nice doctor came in and told us it was time.
[Cut to 3 walking in the room at the hospital]
3: So, I think we’re–
Amy: [yelling] Where have you been, you stupid whore!
[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]
Amy: And then, she told me to give one little push.
[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]
Doctor: He’s crowning. One more push.
[farting sound]
Amy: Ah! Am I pooping? Am I?
Mikey: No. No, baby, no.
[Doctor is nodding her head yes.]
It’s okay.
[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]
Amy: Then one little push, then you were born. And you were the most beautiful baby in the whole world.
[Cut to the hospital room. A nurse takes the baby away to clean him.]
Mikey: Wait, why does he look like that? Why is he yellow? Is that normal?
Amy: Why is he so ugly?
[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]
Amy: And that’s what happened on the best day of my life. And you know what else? [Amy is getting peed on by her son] Everyday since then has been better than the day before.
[Amy is sleeping on a couch. The room is all messy. Mikey walks in.]
Mikey: Babe, where’s my hockey stuff?
Amy: That’s in the hall closet.
[baby crying]
Mikey: He woke up, by the way. [Mikey walks away] Can I get a drink after?
[Amy is sobbing being exhausted]
[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]
Boy: I love you, mommy.
Amy: Oh, I love you too, honey.
Boy: Mommy.
Amy: Yeah.
Boy: I had an accident last night.
Amy: Oh, well, I’m sure daddy cleaned it up.
Boy: No, I wanted you to clean it.
[Cut to a video message: To all the moms in the world, thanks for pretending it was easy.]