Tag: The Elves

Mrs. Claus & The Elves

Mrs. Claus… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Casey Affleck

[Starts with a book ‘Mrs. claus and the Christmas Feast’ opening]

Male voice: As Santa traveled the world delivering toys to good children everywhere, Mrs. Claus was back at North Pole preparing a surprise feast for his return.

[Cut to Mrs. Claus entering the kitchen]

Mrs. Claus: Oh my goodness, it’s almost day break. Where are those elves? They promised to put the Christmas quiche in the oven and it sits here completely raw.

[blowing whistle]

[three elves appear]

Elves: When you whistle we appear, your three most loyal elves are here.

Kenan: What’s up, Mrs. C?

Mrs. Claus: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. Santa is going to return any moment hungry as a polar bear. Why is this quiche uncooked?

Vanessa: Oh, no, we really let you down.

Kenan: Yeah. You gave us one job and we biffed it.

Casey: We biffed it big time. You must be in a white hot rage right now.

Kenan: Yeah, I guess the only thing left to do now is punish us? [the three elves smile]

Mrs. Claus: Punish you? Don’t be silly. What do you mean?

Vanessa: How will we learn unless you punish us?

Kenan: And our little bodies.

Casey: Yeah. Our smooth little bodies.

Vanessa: Yeah. We need to be taught a lesson.

Mrs. Claus: Stop acting so silly. Now, when you hear this little oven timer dingle, dignle, dingle, just turn off the oven. Now, please stay alert.

Vanessa: You’ve got it, Mrs. C.

[The timer goes off]

[Mrs. Claus walks in the kitchen. The three elves are sitting on the table.]

Mrs. Claus: Good gouda! This quiche is burned to krampus! Elves, didn’t you hear the timer go off?

Vanessa: Oh-oh! Now, Santa’s meal is garbage all because of us.

Kenan: You must be really angry. Time for our punishment.

Mrs. Claus: Honestly, I am a bit angry.

Casey: Oh, why don’t you funnel that anger right into our butts?

Mrs. Claus: What?

Kenan: Yeah. Grab us by our little elf ankles and just go nuts on our tender little booby butts.

Vanessa: Don’t worry. He won’t make any noise.

Mrs. Claus: Elves, get serious. I can’t take much more of this.

Vanessa: I know. You’re miffed. That’s why you’ve got to teach us a good lesson.

Kenan: Yeah. Send us to bed without any dinner or pants.

Vanessa: Then our tiny privates will be out for all to see.

Casey: Oh, no. Not our stinky little privates.

Mrs. Claus: Oh, boy! I guess I’ll have to make a brunch salad.

Kenan: I’ll toss your salad for you.

Casey: Oh, oh! Mrs. Claus, what’s this?

Kenan: Oh, it’s a little Hershey’s Kiss. If you put this in a wrong way, it might never come out.

Vanessa: But it sure would teach us a lesson.

Casey: Either way, I guess we should just try it.

[Casey leans down and Kenan points the chocolate’s point toward’s Casey’s butt]

Mrs. Claus: Oh, heavens! I don’t understand a word you silly elves are saying.

Casey: Oh, don’t get so P.O.’d.

Vanessa: Try getting pee on us.

Kenan: I’ll start putting towels down.

Mrs. Claus: Alright, you’re in trouble now. Santa’s here and I’m gonna let him deal with you.

Elves: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Finally!

Vanessa: Big bossy daddy with snow on top coming to take care of business.

Casey: Yeah. He’s back to rule the north hole. I mean pole- hole.

Kenan: Oh! I heard what you said. You said hole. We’re so bad. Punish us.

Mrs. Claus: Good god!

[Santa walks in]

Santa: Ho-ho0ho! I have returned.

Elves: Hi, Santa.

Kenan: We’ve been helping Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Well, that’s not true. They have been taunting me all morning.

Santa: Well, how about I taunt you all afternoon?

Mrs. Claus: Oh, my! The salad can wait.

Santa: Um-hmm.

Kenan: Wait, let us watch.

Vanessa: Don’t go! We want to see it.

Kenan: Wait, where did the Hershey’s kiss go?

Casey: Oh, don’t worry about it.

[The End]

Santa & The Elves

Santa Claus… Bobby Moynihan

Elves… Kenan Thompson, Venessa Bayer, Ryan Gosling

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “Santa and his Magical Elves”.]

Male voice: With only a fortnight left till Christmas, Santa’s elves were hard at work making toys for children all over the world. Or were they?

[Cut to Santa Claus walking in the workshop]

Santa Claus: Ding dong ding, with a little ding dong. Ho-ho-ho. Time to see how the Christmas toys are coming along. [looks at the table] Oh, what on earth? This chu-chu has no wheels. And this dolly needs a head. Elves, up here.

[The elves appear on the table]

Kenan: Santa, you beckoned us.

Venessa: Is there something we can do for you?

Ryan: It sounded urgent, so we came right away, sir.

Santa Claus: These toys are not complete. These toys are not complete and we are on a tight schedule.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, no! We are so sorry.

Venessa: Oh, we let you down big time.

Ryan: We totally goofed.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: You certainly did. I’m so disappointed.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Yeah. So, I guess you gotta like, show us who’s the boss now. Right? Right, Santa? Like, show us who’s in charge?

Venessa: Yeah, um, otherwise how will we ever learn?

Ryan: Me, I learn through discipline.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Whatever do you mean!

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: I don’t know. Some kind of punishment.

Kenan: It could be bodily, like, something with my body.

Ryan: We have very few limits. Wink wink. Wiggle wiggle.

[Cut to everybody]

Santa Claus: I don’t even know what you silly elves are talking about. I will be back at first day light and I expect this table to be filled with toys, understand?

Venessa: Yes, Santa.

Kenan: Yes sir.

Ryan: You got it.

[Santa Claus leaves the workshop]

[The night pass and it’s morning. The roosters are cuckooing.]

[Cut to the workshop. The table is empty and the elves are just sitting. Santa Claus walks in.]

Santa Claus: Good morning elves. How are the toys co– What? You haven’t done a thing.

Kenan: I know. [Cut to the elves] We are so bad. I guess it’s time to teach us our lesson.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: What?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: We deserve it. We’re not fit to lick your boot.

Ryan: But we’ll do it… if you force us to.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Alright. Oh!

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, are you fed up, Santa? Well, I get it. If I were you, I would just pull down my little green pants and go to town on me.

Venessa: Yeah, maybe then we’d stop making mistakes.

Ryan: Speaking of mistakes, [Ryan throws away a bottle on purpose.] I just dropped a gumdrop. Whoops! Better go get it. [Ryan leans showing Santa Claus his butt to hit on.]

Santa Claus: Ooh! You see anything you like, Santa? Maybe you need to take charge of that.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Hmm, you elves are skating on think ice.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, yeah. Santa’s getting hot now. Why don’t you unzip your big red suit and walk around in just your boots?

Ryan: Stop around and let your hairy belly bounce all over the place?

Kenan: Yeah, and then there would be no question who would be in charge. Right? Good old Saint dick– Nick! Sorry!

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Can you please just make some toys?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, look at what I found, Santa. A candle.

Kenan: Is this to drop wax on our privates with?

Ryan: You better put jingle bells in our mouths… coz we’re screamers!

Venessa: Yeah. And when you’re done, you can snow all over us.

Santa Claus: Okay! Enough! [Cut to everybody] Guys, guys! Enough. Come on, now! Give me a break. 3000 years ago, sure, I would have totally turn into all of you. But look, I am not that guy anymore. And after you wake up in a bunch of weird beds with people you don’t even remember meeting, you start to want something more. And that is when I really became Santa.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Does this mean you’re not gonna do anything?

[Cut to Santa Claus. Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, he’ll do something, but only with me. Right, big guy?

Santa Claus: You heard her. She is the real boss around here.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: That’s very sweet.

Ryan: Yeah, thanks for sharing that with us.

Kenan: I think I needed to hear that.

[Cut to everyone]

Santa Claus: Now, alright you guys. Finish your toys and then pack up your elf junk. You’re all fired! Take care.

Ryan: Oh man!

Venessa: Oh man! Come on.

[Santa Claus and Aidy walk away]

[The End]

The Shoemaker & The Elves

Shoemaker… Louis C.K.

Kenan Thompson

Venessa Bayer

Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “The Shoemaker and the Elves”.]

Male voice: After enjoying many nights of assistance from the magical Elves, the Shoemaker awoke to find an unpleasant surprise.

[Cut to Shoemaker getting in a room]

Shoemaker: Hmm. Time to see where the Elves have left. [walks to the table] What is this? This is odd, just one half done boot. This is not like them. Or family will go hungry.

[two elves appear in front of Shoemaker]

Male Elf: Master shoemaker, we are here to serve.

Female elf: What seems to be the problem?

Shoemaker: It’s just that this is not like you. I feel like you’re letting me down a little bit.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, no!

Male Elf: So sorry. That was not our intention at all.

Female elf: No sir.

Male Elf: Probably the best thing to do is to teach us some kind of a lesson. You know, so we get the message.

Female elf: Yeah, like some sort of punishment.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Punishment? Like what?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Whatever you think is fair.

Male Elf: It could be physical.

Female elf: Yeah, like some kind of physical, discipline…

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Look, that’s not my style. Why don’t I just say “Try harder” and leave it at that?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, so no punishment?

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: No! Just do better!

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: We won’t let you down.

[Cut to the wall clock ringing]

[Cut to the room after many hours. Male Elf and Female elf are sitting on the table. Shoemaker walks in]

Male Elf: Good morning Mr. Cobbler.

Female elf: Good morn to you.

Shoemaker: You guys, this is– I mean you’ve done nothing.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Oh, no! Are you kidding?

Female elf: We just won’t learn, will we?

Male Elf: How are you gonna handle this, sir? [Male Elf turns his butt towards Shoemaker to get hit.]

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Don’t do that. This is serious. I have customers who need shoes and I don’t feel like making them.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Totally! Probably cause for some physical punishment.

Female elf: Yeah, you must be so horny– I mean, mad! If I were you, I’d just grab me by my hair and shake me.

Male Elf: Yeah, and I’d tie me up over here and stuff a crab apple in my mouth.

Female elf: Then take a paddle and crack it across both of our rear ends.

Male Elf: Yeah, I think that will be a good motivator.

Female elf: That would definitely put a fire under my butt.

Male Elf: Speaking of butts, I wanna go ahead and just flop over here and see if it tempts you to give me the spanking I deserve.

[Male Elf bends over]

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Guys!

Male Elf and Female elf: Just try it!

Shoemaker: Uh! Alright, maybe just one little–

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt]

Male Elf: Ah! Harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Female elf: Oh, it’s gotta be harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Male Elf: Whoo!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, forget it! This is insane! You guys are starting to really make me…

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Angry? It’s completely justified!

Female elf: I guess you’re gonna want to go to the restroom on us now.

[Male Elf pulls up a plastic sheet roll]

Male Elf: I guess I’ll just unfold this plastic sheet. You know, to like, protect the floor but also to collect it just in case we wanna use it for something later. I don’t know. Everything is up to you.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I am not going to go to the restroom upon you. Now, put that sheet away. I’m beginning to regret rescuing you from that windowless cottage at the edges of forest.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: So, act on that!

Male Elf: Act on that frustration!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, elves. Come on! You don’t know how much I want to dominate you both right now. I so want to call you both nastiest of names I can think of.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Do it!

Female elf: Do exactly that.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to take my pants off and parade around in front of you in my underwear.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Great idea!

Female elf: I’m making so many pairs of shoes in my mind right now.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to make you call me daddy, then I force you to wash the kitchen floor with sponges on your bottoms.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: I’m ready!

Female elf: Into it.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: But at last, I can’t do any of those things. And you want to know why? Because I’m married.

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Husband!

Shoemaker: Oh, no! How much did you hear?

Wife: Enough to know that you must choose between me and the elves.

[Wife leaves]

Shoemaker: Well, you heard her. [looking at the camera asking audience] What do you think I should do? If you think I should stay faithful to my wife, text the number 1 to 18005550199. If you think I should sexually dominate the elves, text 2. We’ll be back later with the results.

[The End]