Weekend Update The Girl At a Party

The Girl… Cecily Strong

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The primaries have been specially divisive this year. Here with her take is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The Girl slides in]

The Girl: Hi, Michael. Just so you know, if it were up to me, every year would be a black history month.

Michael Che: Thanks. So, what do you think about the primaries so far?

The Girl: What do I think about them? [Cut to The Girl] They disgust me. The candidates are truly appalsive. And now Ben Carson’s just pulling out? And we’re supposed to believe that’s the most effective form of birth control? No! It’s like, no wonder everyone has the xenovirus. And it’s like, maybe LeoCaprio is right. Bears!

[Cut to The Girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay. So I take it you’re disappointed with the candidates?

The Girl: People need to start paying intention, Michael. When the alarm goes off, stop hitting excuse button. [Cut to The Girl] Coz there are women in Africa right now who have to walk three miles just to see zootopia. And news flash, Michael, [Cut to The Girl and Michael Che] you haven’t even asked me if I’m transgendered yet.

[The Girl pulls her phone out of her bag]

Michael Che: Are you transgendered?

The Girl: How dare you ask me that?

[The Girl is making faces on the phone]

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: I just snapchatted you but your face is a tiger and I’m normal.

Michael Che: Cool. So, are you voting democrats or–

The Girl: Why do we have to Libya everything, Michael? [Cut to The Girl] Why can’t there be a black James Bond or white Jackie Chan or we rate Bill Cosby? Coz guess what? If you’re not part of the sudoku, you’re part of the answer. And it’s multiple choice. And you’re none of the above. And P.S., why do we even need super delegates? Why can’t we just talk to superman directly? [Cut to The Girl and Michael Che] And I’m asking you, Michael, because hashtag, black guys matter. So, real quick, I’ma sing you all of Hamilton.

[signing] How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore 
And a Scotsman, —

Michael Che: Stop! Please, stop please.

The Girl: Fine, but you could have learned something about history. [looking around] Jasmine! Jasmine!

Michael Che: Was that your friend?

The Girl: No. She’s my Uber driver. I think she’s circling the studio. How many minutes away is that? See.

Michael Che: That’s tetris.

The Girl: Okay, fine. You know what? I wanna give you some thing. This is knife I found at OJ Simpson’s house. Wait, who do you think will play you in a movie?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Maybe Denzel Washington.

The Girl: I would choose a homeless woman so she could work. But I’m sure Denzel would be appreciative too. Wait, real quick. Wrap your hands around my neck like you’re gonna choke me.

Michael Che: No.

The Girl: Alright, fine. Just slap me really hard. It’s about Wall Street.

Michael Che: Just tell us who you’re voting for.

The Girl: Alright fine. Here, hold this.

[The Girl hands her purse to Michael Che]

Oh, look. This man stole my purse. And he’s white. What? Boom! That’s progress. You’re welcome. Now I need that back coz there are some adderall in there.

Michael Che: Girl at a party, everybody.

The Girl: Vaccines are a scam.