Weekend Update- Theresa May

Colin Jost

Theresa May… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The British parliament erupted anger this week after president Trump retweeted anti-Muslim videos from a British hate group. Here to respond is British prime minister, Theresa May.

[Theresa May slides in] [cheers and applause]

Theresa May: Yes. Hello, Colin. It’s lovely to be here. The United Kingdom sends it’s appreciation for a special friendship that we share.

Colin Jost: Really? Coz things seem to be a little tense right now between you and president Trump.

Theresa May: Um-hmm. But, you know the Brits. [Cut to Theresa May] Stiff upper lip. Then when dealing with Trump, it’s a kin to stiff upper lip, stiff lower lip, stiff neck, arms, legs and you’re pretty much playing dead. But the British people know I can give it as good as I get it. I’m not afraid of a little social media fisty caps.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. You and president. I saw you really got into it on Twitter.

Theresa May: Yes. And I’ve never felt more live. [Cut to Theresa May] I saw Trump’s offensive re-tweets and I’ve put that man on blast. Listen to this epic takedown. [clears her throat] “It is wrong for the president to have done this.” Savage! Flame emoji. I am practically a troll now.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Right. Right. And then Trump tweeted back at you and told you to back off.

Theresa May: Yes. But the bitch tagged the wrong Theresa May. It’s internet 101 baby. [Cut to Theresa May] Umm. It’s thrilling to engage in a flame war. To dunk on a thirsty bitch. It’s electric. I am hard. I am actually hard.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. This is a whole new Theresa May.

Theresa May: Yes. I’m on a road now, daddy. [Cut to Theresa May] Who else wants to go a few rounds with Theresa Mayweather? Kim Jung-Un? Oh, take this tweet. “Mr. Kim Jung-Uh. Good sir. Do grow up. #Please”

Colin Jost: It’s pretty good.

Theresa May: Talk about getting owned. And hey, Vladimir Putin. Just this. [side eye emoji appears at the bottom of the screen] The side eye emoji. He knows what it means. It’s cold sheet, Colin. He’ll be freaking, I’ll show you, and then I’ll follow it up with a very threatening eggplant.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you know what that means?

Theresa May: Yes. Eat your vegetables. You hear that? How do you like us now? [Cut to Theresa May] Britain is back, baby! Theresa may be strong and beloved by all. I’m going full Trump and even my own people aren’t safe. Look at this threat I wrote on prince Harry. “Congratulations, Prince Harry, on your upcoming nuptials. (1/4)” “But check it. She outcho league (2/4)” “You look like Ed Sheeran minus the abilities (3/4)” “Nevertheless, would bang (4/4)”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Theresa May]

Colin Jost: Theresa May, everyone!

Theresa May | Season 44 Episode 17

Theresa May… Kate McKinnon

Sara Bareilles

[Starts with video clips of reports from different news channels]

Channel 1: Today should have been Brexit day. That’s what Theresa May has promised.

Channel 2: She came up short.

Channel 3: She’s made a terrible mess.

Channel 4: Theresa May.

Channel 5: Teresa May–

Channel 6: –is not exactly dealing with Winston Church.

Channel 7: She’s proved herself to be one of the most worst Prime Minis—

[Theresa May turns off the TV] [Music starts playing] [Sara Bareilles is singing and playing a piano. Music video has Theresa May’s different video clips]

Sara Bareilles: [Singing] It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them

[Theresa May is walking in the streets of London. People are staring at her with disappointed face.]

It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl

She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help

She is messy, but she’s kind

[Theresa May greets the guards, but they show her their middle fingers]

She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a really bad life

[Theresa May googles herself, it shows 0 results]

She is gone, but she used to be mine

It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true

And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck

[Theresa May dances with a man]

And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone,

[Theresa May kisses the man]

but used to be mine

Used to be mine

[Cut to Theresa May running to Mr. Corbin in a hall full of people]

Theresa May: Mr. Corbin, Mr. Corbin, please, I think I know what to do.

Mr. Corbin: Madam Prime Minister. We’ve already agreed on a solution. Your solution.

Theresa May: What?

Mr. Corbin: You’ve solved Brexit. And you’ve saved Britain. [Everybody in the room cheers]

Sara Bareilles: She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely

[Theresa may wakes up from her sleep. Everything she saw was a dream.] [Cut to TV, it is still on]

Channel 8: Theresa May is simply not in control of this process.

[Cut to Theresa May]

Theresa May:Well, [Bleep] you. At least I’m trying.

Sara Bareilles: but she used to be mine