Car Heist

Security… Kenan Thompson

Thief… Chris Redd

Hacker… Mikey Day

Mastermind… Kieran Culkin

Natalia… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Security doing rounds at night in automobile garage ]

[he hears some noise]

Security: What the–? [turns his flashlight on. He sees a rope hanging inside the shop. As he’s looking around, Thief stands behind him and hits him on his head. He’s out.]

Thief: Sleep tight, old man. [talking in microphone] I’m in.

Hacker: And we’re in business. I’m gonna work on getting those security doors open for you. Shouldn’t be long now, boss.

Mastermind: Fantastic. I’ll let the client know. They’re in.

Natalia: Impressive, Mr. Knight. But my boss doesn’t pay you to get inside underground garage. He pay you to steal billionaires vintage Lamborghini. It’s there, yes?

Mastermind: Ghost, you got eyes on the prize?

Thief: Oh, yeah. She’s one bad bitch.

Hacker: Okay, Ghost, just bought you two minutes to get out of there. You’re welcome by the way.

Thief: Two minutes? I’m counting money in one. Let’s do this. [turns on the engine] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Whoo! [the engine shuts down]

Mastermind: Everything all right, Ghost?

Thief: Yeah. Yeah. This car like this is just like beautiful ladies. You just gotta know how to handle. [The engine doesn’t turn on] What the hell? [Security is laughing. He is tied up.] Oh, yeah, boss. I think we got a problem.

Mastermind: What’s going on, Ghost?

Thief: This car got an advanced driver system I’ve never seen before. I’m looking at three pedals here, shifter that goes up, down and sideways. This must be some new, new tech. I’m thinking military maybe.

Hacker: Sounds like it’s a stick shift?

Thief: A stick what?

Mastermind: Stick shift. Ghost, you can drive stick, right?

Thief: Bitch, I can drive anything,

Mastermind: Including stick?

Thief: Nah.

Mastermind: Ghost, I’ll walk you through this. Anything you don’t get, you say stop.

Thief: Cool.

Mastermind: Turn the car on and press the clutch.

Thief: Stop. You say clock?

Security: [Laughing hard] That boy said clock.

Thief: Shut up, old man.

Mastermind: Put the car in gear.

Thief: Stop.

Mastermind: No. We don’t have time. Now, press the clutch with your left foot, put it in gear, then press the gas with your right foot.

Thief: Stop. You want me to drive with two feet? Who you think I am? Fred Flinstein?

Hacker: Flinstein?

Thief: Did I stutter? Frederick Flinstein.

Hacker: 60 seconds.

Natalia: Enough. Mr. Ghost, it’s Natalia. I help, so listen. Yes?

Thief: Yes, man.

Natalia: Left foot clutch, right foot gas.

Thief: Done, baby girl.

Natalia: Press clutch, put in gear.

Thief: New.

Natalia: Then take foot off clutch.

Thief: Copy.

Natalia: And give gas.

Thief: Impossible.

Natalia: Then drag, it’s clear?

Thief: Nah. But let’s do this.

[He’s trying to go forward but the engine stops going just a little forward]

Hacker: You’re gonna have to go a lot faster than that, Ghost.

Thief: Good thing this baby has nitrous boosters.

Security: [laughing] That’s the trunk.

Hacker: Get out of there right now, Ghost. Or you’re dead, man.

Thief: Don’t you know? You can’t kill a ghost.

[Thief goes forward]

Security: He ain’t gonna make it.

[The car gets hit by the gate and gets stuck]

Thief: Ay, boss. We got a problem.