Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.[The guy slides in]
The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.
Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.
The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.
Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.
The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.
Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.
The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?
Colin Jost: What was that?
The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]
The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.
Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.
The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]
Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.
Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.
Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?
The guy: I don’t know
Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.
Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.
Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.
Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.
The guy: I’m glistening.
Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.
Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.
The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?
Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.
The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.
Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.
The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.
Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?
The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.
Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.