Tag: Tiffany Haddish

Tournament Fighter

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Scorpinox… Mikey Day

Deathstripe… Kate McKinnon

Pyro… Luke Null

Boo Boo Jeffries… Tiffany Haddish

Mark… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Amy and Pete playing video game in Gamer Con. Kyle is hosting the show.]

Amy: Come on, come on, come on! Damn!

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Pete: Yes! Nice game.

Kyle: Alright. That was epic. Alright, attention, video gamers. Sonic Goon just knocked out Gamer Chick XX which means the quarterfinal match of the death fight 12 tournament will be Sonic Goon Vs. Pone Dunky. Pune Dunky, make your way to the tournament stage.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, let’s do this. Let’s do this. What’s up? What’s up? Alright, cool. What’s up? [Amy walks out and Kenan takes her place]

Kyle: Alright, one match. Best two out of three rounds. Sonic Goon, you are player one. Pick your Death Fighter.

[Cut to the video game character selection]

Video game voice: Player one, choose your fighter. Scorpinox. You selected Scorpinox.

Scorpinox: No mercy. Only pain.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, man! I was gonna be Scorpinox. That’s cool though. Let’s see who our Pone Dunky gonna beat you with.

Video game voice: Player two, choose your fighter.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Deathstripe.

Deathstripe: Let’s rip some throats up.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Na, I don’t like Deathstripe’s combos. Next please.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Pyro.

Pyro: Who wants to feel the burn?

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Pyro’s too slow, man. I need somebody like Doom Snake. Where my boy Doon Snake at?

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries, y’all know me! Hah!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Boo Boo Jeffries? Yo, part 12 added some whack characters. I’m sorry, Boo Boo, but that’s a next.

[Kenan mistakenly presses ‘select’ button]

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: You selected Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Knock, knock, who’s there? Boo Boo Jeffries. Boo Boo Jeffries, who? If you don’t know, you stupid.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, I pushed a wrong button. Can we start it over?

Kyle: Hey, sorry dude. No resets in tournament play.

Kenan: Even if we accidentally pick Boo Boo Jeffries? A character that I have never even seen before?

Pete: Hey, let’s go to our fighter overview.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries fighter overview.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Get to know your girl, Boo Boo Jeffries.

Video game voice: Primary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

Video game voice: Secondary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Beyoncé! Beyoncé! Beyonce!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Those are her special moves? This is a game where you rip people’s heads off.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Fighter’s strehgths.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My relationship with my mom. She’s my best friend

Video game voice: Fighter weaknesses.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My biggest weakness is fighting.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Fighting? Thats the only thing you got to be good at in this. It’s called Death Fight!

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Boo Boo Jeffries: My other weakness is, I get weird in groups. I’m great one on one but in groups, sad is my ass shuts down. I get quiet and all in my head, “Why do I do that?”

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t know, Boo Boo Jeffries. Hey man, I payed 75 bucks to play in this tournament, man. Just let me be Doom Snake.

Kyle: Ay, I’m sorry man. Rules are rules. Good luck, gentlemen.

[Cut to the game fight]

Video game voice: Scorpinox versus Boo Boo Jeffries. Round one. Fight!

Scorpinox: Death punch!

[Scorpinox punches Boo Boo Jeffries on her face. Boo Boo Jeffries heal bar is empty.]

Boo Boo Jeffries: No!

[Boo Boo Jeffries walks out]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Scorpinox: Your defeat tastes delicious.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: She left? Yo, I didn’t even get to push one button.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Amy: You should have done a Rihanna on him.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: No, I should have picked Doom Snake.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Kyle: Hey, you’re never gonna win with an attitude like that. Let’s go round two.

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Round two. Fight!

Boo Boo Jeffries: [staying at one place] Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

[Boo Boo Jeffries’ move did no damage to Scorpinox]

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah, that Rihanna move was a big help, thanks.

Kyle: Hey, try to do combo or something, bro. Come on, now.

Kenan: Alright, let’s see what this combo is all about.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries combo, prepare to be marked!

Video game voice: Combo!

Kenan: You getting marked for death. I knew my girl Boo Boo would come through.

Boo Boo Jeffries: This is my sister’s husband, Mark. You in trouble now.

[Mark walks in wearing a formal outfit.]

Mark: Okay, listen up, buster. The funny business ends now. Now, hit the road, Jack!

Boo Boo Jeffries: That’s a real man right there.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I am literally pushing no buttons right now. This is just happening.

[Cut to video game]

Mark: Hey! Hey, bud? You got wax in your ears? I said, scram!

[Scorpinox punches Mark on his stomach. Mark falls.]

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Wow! Really saved the day there, Mark.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Okay, real talk. Nothing good comes from violence. When you fight, you lose. So, Boo Boo Jeffries is removing her self from the situation, which means Boo Boo Jeffries wins.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan looking all confused]

Kenan: Wins at what? Live or the game?

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Kenan: Oh, so not the game.

[Cut to Pete,Kenan, Kyle and Amy]

Great. Great. Cool.

Kyle: And Sonic Goon takes it. He’s going to the semi.

Kenan: Well, I guess there’s a reason why Boo Boo Jeffries isn’t on the cover of this game with all other fighers.

Amy: Yeah. She hates group settings.

Kenan: I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Amy: Amy.

Kenan: Shut up, Amy!

Tiffany Haddish Monologue

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tiffany Haddish.

[Tiffany Haddish walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tiffany Haddish: Whoo! Ah! This is an amazing night. I’m so happy to be here. You may know me from a movie called ‘Girls Trip’ that came out this past summer. Star Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Regina Hall and me, Tiffany Haddish. Now, this movie made over $100 million plus. Okay? And I’m trying to figure out where is my cut of money coz I have not seen it at all yet. And all my friends are telling me, “Tiffany, you a star now. You big time. You balling out of control.” And I’m looking at my bank account like, “Uh-huh.” They say, “Google yourself.” So, I google myself, ‘Tiffany Haddish celebrity ne2rk.’ And it was said I was worth $2 million, y’all. But I ain’t seen this money? Where is this $2 million? What do I got to get this $2 million? Do I need to fake my death? Like, do I got to Tupac this and move to Tyler Perry island? Y’all know Tyler Perry got an island, right?

But, honestly though, before I was in ‘Girls Trip’, I grew up in foster care. I want to thank everybody who paid taxes between 1990 and 1999 because if you wouldn’t have paid your taxes, I wouldn’t be standing here. So, thank you. Thank you. I lived in a lot of group homes. My favorite show growing up was ‘SNL’. That’s my favorite thing to watch. You have no idea how difficult it is to get a bunch of black and hispanic kids to watch ‘SNL’ over ‘In Living Color.’ Okay? Try to convince them that Dana Carvy is just as funny as Damon Wayans was a problem. I got stabbed twice, y’all, in a bunk bed. That’s why I don’t mess with bunk beds to this day. I don’t mess with them. They scare me.

They told me I should talk about something that’s going on in the world. Politics, hot topics. Here’s the thing, I don’t really pay attention to the news or anything. All my news comes from a beauty shop. When I get my hair done, I find out what was going on in the world. And women talking about a lot of different stuff. They were talking about in a beauty shop just the other day. About Donald Trump. And we were saying, “Damn! Who is doing Donald Trump’s wig? His face fronts are off the chain! His hair is looking all good for sleepy kind of president. What kind of glue is he using? Coz when the wind blow, it don’t even move or nothing. That’s good hair right there.”

And we’ve been talking about the whole sexual harassment stuff that’s been going on. And look here, okay guys. Fellas, I got a tip for y’all. I like to call it Tiffany’s tips. It’s a Tif’s tip. Listen fellas, listen. Okay? If you got your thing out and she got all her clothes on, you’re wrong. You’re in the wrong. [cheers and applause] Wait until she takes her own clothes off, then pull your thing out. Okay?

Speaking of men getting in trouble and stuff this past few months, I shot a movie with Kevin Hart this summer, okay? And Kevin came up to me one day and said, “Tiffany, you have been to Thailand, China, Japan. You went to Florida. You wen to Texas. You was in San Francisco, Los Angeles. And you did all that in a same day?” I was like, “No, Kevin. It took me two years to go all those places.” He was like, “Really? Because I went on your Instagram and you was wearing the same outfit in all those different places.” And here’s the thing. That’s what I can’t stand about the internet coz it’s messing with my fashion game. I feel like I should be able to wear what I want when I want, however many times I want as I paid for them. What? Like this dress, [mentioning the dress she’s wearing] I wore it on the Red Carpet for the ‘Girls Trip’ movie debut. And my whole team, they told me, “Tiffany, you cannot wear that dress on ‘SNL’. You already wore it. It’s taboo to wear it twice.” And I said, “I don’t give a dang about no taboo. I spent a lot of money on this dress. This dress cost way more than my mortgage. This is a Alexander McQueen, okay? This is a $4,000 dress. I’m gonna wear this dress multiple times. Okay?” Real talk? You might see this dress in two sketches tonight. If somebody invites me to a bar of bat mitzvah, guess what I’m going to wear? This Alexander McQueen dress. If somebody invites me to all black party, guess what I’m wearing? This all white dress. If another man asks me to marry him, if I ever get married again, and yes, I’ve married before. People are always shocked when I say that like, “Tiffany, you were married?” Yes, I’m a beautiful woman, okay? I might get married two or three more times. I might Elizabeth Taylor this thing. You don’t know. But if another man asks me to marry him, guess what I’m wearing? This dress. And shoot! Don’t invite me to your party coz I’ll probably wear this dress to it too.

And if I die, which I hope I never do, I hope I live forever. But if I die and even if I become fat as hell, if I’m the biggest fat, I don’t care, when I’m laying in that casket, guess what’s going to be laying on top of my fat ass body? This dress.

Now, if somebody invited me to a baptist church and they say they want me to participate in the praise and worship dance, I’m waring this dress to the church and I am gonna dance my butts off, buddy. And I’m going to show you how I’m going to do it. Band, kick that thing.

[band playing music]

[Tiffany Haddish is dancing around]

We are gonna have a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back. I’m Tiffany Haddish.

The Last Black Unicorn

Maureen… Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Beck Bennett

Black Unicorn… Tiffany Haddish

Old Black Unicorn… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a opening of the book ‘The Last Black Unicorn’]

Male voice: Once upon a time, the world was filled with magical creatures. The noblest among them were the black unicorns who possessed the ability to see through time. But now, with magic having all but left our world, only one remains.

[Cut to Maureen, Melissa and Beck looking around in the magical world]

Maureen: So, according to this map, this is the home of the last black unicorn.

Melissa: Oh, come on, Maureen. No one believes in unicorns anymore.

Beck: Yeah, Maureen, don’t be so naive.

[Black Unicorn runs out making horse noises]

Beck: Whoa! She is real!

Maureen: I told you.

Black Unicorn: I’m the last black unicorn. And with my magical horn, I can unveil the mysteries of the future.

Melissa: Whoa. You can see the future?

Black Unicorn: Hmm. [horse noises]

Beck: Mrs. Black Unicorn, I got to know. Will me and my girl stay together forever? [referring to Beck and Melissa]

Black Unicorn: Hmm, yes. I can see that the two of you will marry and live a long and happy life together.

Beck: Heck, yeah, babe. I friggin love you.

Maureen: Wow, what about me? Will I ever find true love?

Black Unicorn: Umm. Yes. I see you marrying the love of your life many years from now.

Maureen: Yes! I knew it.

Black Unicorn: I see you walking down the aisle. Your mother is crying. Your father is beaming. And all five of your children are there with their five different fathers.

Maureen: Wait. I’m sorry. I have five kids before I’m even married?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. I mean, when you get to college, you start throwing down.

Maureen: Oh, really?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. For few years, you are just conceiving and birthing and back to back and back to back. I mean, if you ain’t getting it in, you getting it out, if you know what I mean.

Beck: Oh, gross.

Maureen: Well, what about dads? Are they at least good fathers?

Black Unicorn: Oh, absolutely they are not. One of them is actually a red headed white guy with dread locks that look like Cheetos.

Maureen: God! That sounds terrible.

Melissa: Well, what about us? Will we ever have kids?

Black Unicorn: Um, yes. In your future, I see two wonderful children. Your daughter is a talented musician and your son is a gifted painter. [To Maureen] And your son, well, he also is involved with paint. Um-hmm.

Maureen: Well, how so?

Black Unicorn: He’s huffing it.

Maureen: So my son does drugs?

Black Unicorn: Yes. But on the bright side, your daughter sells drugs.

Maureen: Oh my god! Do all my kids have drug problems?

Black Unicorn: No. Actually one of your sons is sober. But he is like, the worst.

Maureen: How?

Black Unicorn: Well, he is just always mad. He’s like that really angry white kid you graduate with who joins the army and you are like, “Good luck, army.”

Beck: Man, your son sucks.

[Another black unicorn walks out]

Old Black Unicorn: Whoa, whoa. Now, why are you telling this little girl all these horrible things?

Beck: Hey, I thought you said you were the last black unicorn.

Black Unicorn: Well, she’s older than me.

Old Black Unicorn: Little girl, look, life is always going to have it’s struggles. But I can see there is still plenty of good in your future.

Maureen: Like, what kind of good?

Old Black Unicorn: Well, for example, I see you living in a beautiful apartment.

Black Unicorn: Yeah, because your house gets foreclosed on.

Old Black Unicorn: Okay, yeah. But you also get to travel the country.

Black Unicorn: On the run from FBI with your drug lord daughter.

Maureen: You know, I don’t really need to hear anymore.

Old Black Unicorn: Wait, wait. hang on. What if I told you that in the end of you retire to a secluded island?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, rikers.

Maureen: My life sucks.

Old Black Unicorn: Look, life is what you make it. If you say it sucks, it will.

Maureen: Okay. So, what you’re saying is that if I’m just true to myself, I might be able to escape my terrible destiny?

Old Black Unicorn: Oh, no. All that stuff is still going to happen. You just need to stop whining about it.

Black Unicorn: Yeah. And I didn’t even told you half the stuff. How much time you got? [horse noises]

The Dolphin Who Learned to Speak

Dr Jean Frye… Kate McKinnon

Dr. Mary Hartman… Aidy Bryant

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with BBC video bumper]

Female voice: And now we return to our feature presentation, the dolphin who learned to speak.

[Cut to the video documentary]

Male voice: In the 1960s, there was a ground swell of scientific research into the minds of animals. The Mammal Cognition Lab was primarily focused on Dolphin communication.

[Cut to Dr Jean Frye and Dr. Mary Hartman]

Dr Jean Frye narrating: We were a two woman team eager to prove ourselves in the male dominated field of science.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Our objective was simple. Can dolphins acquire human language? What if a dolphin could speak?

[Cut to old video clip of Dr. Mary Hartman recording dolphin’s voice]

Dr. Mary Hartman: May 7th, 1965.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: Our specimen was a 15 year old male named Gerald. He was very smart. Very strong willed.

[Cut to old video of Dr. Mary Hartman teaching a dolphin to talk]

Dr. Mary Hartman: A. See my mouth. A. [dolphin sound] Gerald.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: But as Gerald reached breeding age, he became less focused. Agitated. His natural drive was distracting him from our work.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: You know, when a dolphin reaches sexual maturity, there is no stopping them. And then one day, I was in the water with Gerald when he got that glassy look in his eye that meant he was having an urge, so to speak. And so, I turned to Mary and I said, “Why don’t I just yank him off real quick?” Just like that. It just came out.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: At first I wasn’t sure it was ethical but we had to, for the science. So, I did it.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: So, I did it. Right away, he was clear as a bell and we were able to quickly get back to our work.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Yes. And so it became part of our routine. We would work a while, yank a while, work a while, yank a while. And then, a tug or two and then teach a dolphin to speak.

Male voice: Their methods were unorthodox and their colleagues in other parts of the lab began to take notice.

Tiffany narrating: I was on the echo location unit across the hall. We knew what they were doing in there. I wrote about it in my field notes. April 21st. 1965. “No, no, no. That’s nasty! All of you are nasty, sick people, yanking off that fish. Hell no!”

Dr Jean Frye narrating: For a while, the progress was astounding. He learned the alphabets. We were about to teach him sign language.
Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Yes, but soon he started to regress. Really, only doing a few signs. The signs for ‘hand’, and ‘now’, and ‘who gonna J me O’.

Tiffany narrating: I’m pretty sure Gerald was talking to the other dolphins and tell them, “Hey, you don’t have to work for fish. They will do other things.”

Dr Jean Frye narrating: Well, eventually, the hand sessions took up most of the time.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Almost seven to eight hours of the day. Later, I suggested a way of working as a team. So, to speed up the process.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: When she was the hand, I would wait outside the door. I would count to 20 and I would bust in and I would say, “Who’s doing nasty things in here? Bad Gerald!” Gerald really liked shame.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: And this was good, of course for the science.

Male voice: But after 10 years of work with Gerald, he was approved for a well deserved retirement from the research lab.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: It was hard to say goodbye to Gerald, physically, because he was frantically trying to turn into a sex thing. Eventually, they cleared Gerald for release into the wild. But boy, do I still think of him fondly.

Get Woke with Tamika

Tamika… Leslie Jones

Megan Grey… Aidy Bryant

Bianca Twerks… Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Tamika sitting on a TV show set]

Male voice: And now it’s time to Get Woke With Tamika. With your host, Tamika.

Tamika: Hello and welcome to Get Woke With Tamika. I’m your host, Tamika. And y’all about to get woke… with Tamika. I’m Tamika. First topic, discrimination. It’s wrong. Decond topic, progress. It’s right. Third topic, ‘House of cards.’ I liked it. And that was the topics.

Okay, let’s bring out our first guest. My producers tell me that she’s an author and an activist. Please welcome Megan Gray.

[Megan Grey walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Megan Grey: Thank you so much for having me, Tamika.

Tamika: Now, my producers tell me that you are here to promote white woman’s protest? What’s that about?

Megan Grey: Well, actually, it’s just a women’s rights protest.

Tamika: So, you’re protesting black women’s rights too?

Megan Grey: No, we’re not protesting women’s rights at all. We’re protesting for women’s rights.

Tamika: Okay, coz I was about to say, “Take that nonsense to another show coz that’s not woke.”

Megan Grey: the protest is just an opportunity for all women to unite and be strong together.

Tamika: Oh. Then just say that. That’s very woke. Why you messed that up? That’s why I got so mad.

Megan Grey: Oh. I’m sorry. I guess I got a little nervous. It’s a scary time for women in this country.

Tamika: Scary? Shoot. Maybe for you but Tamika is not scared of anything except for god and fried fish that still got the head and the eyes in it. Don’t look at me while I’m eating you, fish!

Megan Grey: Okay. Again, I wasn’t implying that you would ever–

Tamika: Let’s just move on to our sponsors, okay, coz you frustrating me. Today, “Get Woke With Tamika” is brought to you by Breitbart news. Your one stop shop for all news. Breitbart news, we’re great!

Megan Grey: Is this show seriously sponsored by Breitbart?

Tamika: Yes. They like that I’m not afraid to hit both sides. Let’s bring out the second guest. This girl– [her earring falls] Oh, producers. [she puts it back on] Let’s bring our second guest. This girl needs no introduction, please welcome her. Oh, my producers are telling me that she actually does in fact need an introduction. She has the butt that I’m currently working towards. Please, welcome Instagram model Bianca Twerks.

[Bianca Twerks walks in]

Bianca Twerks: Hey, everybody.

Megan Grey: Should I get another chair or just–

Tamika: Let me check with my producers. Um, we gonna need another chair. So, you don’t have any more chairs? Well, if she stands then for the rest of the show? Okay, I’ll ask her. Um, Megan, do you mind standing up for the rest of the show?

Megan Grey: [looking around] Um, I guess not.

Tamika: She says she don’t mind. Okay. That makes sense. Okay. I’ll tell her. [to Megan Grey] Megan, we just want you to leave.

Megan Grey: What? Okay.

[Megan Grey leaves]

Tamika: And while she’s doing that, let’s thank another one of our sponsors. “Get Woke With Tamika” is also brought to you by Russia. Your one stop shop for news. Russia, we’ll keep the light on for you.

Now, Bianca, when did you decide to become an Instagram butt model?

Bianca Twerks: Um, I’m not a model anymore. I review movies. I changed my name to Bianca’s reviews.

Tamika: Well, you just wasting your butt.

Bianca Twerks: The first movie I’ll reviewing is “Geostorm.”

Tamika: “Geostorm?” That car sucks! I used to drive one until my current husband cut the brakes.

Bianca Twerks: It’s not about the car. It’s about climate control and man-made hurricanes. You know that can really happen, right?

Tamika: No, it can’t. Everybody knows that hurricanes is just god yelling at his wife. I can’t take all these Hollywood lies. The last movie I liked was “Moonlight.” And I loved it coz it was so woke.

Bianca Twerks: Oh, I loved “Moonlight” too. The story of a young black man exploring his homosexuality in the inner city.

Tamika: His what?

Bianca Twerks: Homosexuality. The main character was gay, girl.

Tamika: What the hell was you watching? “Moonlinght” is a movie about a group of black people in tuxedos taking trophies away from a group of white people in tuxedos. It was hilarious.

Bianca Twerks: Oh, no. You are talking about the Oscars. I’m talking about the actual movie.

Tamika: I want to argue with you about this but I’m getting frustrated again. That’s all the time we have. Tune in next week. [listening to the producer] What? We can’t end the show yet? Well, how long does a talk show usually– How long have be ween going? Four minutes? What am I supposed to do? Can’t we just roll the credits to fill in time? Okay, okay. Cool.

Male voice: “Get Woke With Tamika” was written, produced and created by Tamika.

Tamika: [talking to her producer] So, how long was that? Oh, no!

Beck and Kyle

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Lorne Michael

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Beck Bennett walking in streets]

Beck Bennett narrating: You know, working at SNL can be tough. It’s a lot of pressure, late nights. It’s stressful. But I guess that’s why it was so special I got hired with my best friend.

[Cut to pictures of Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney when they were young.]

Kyle and I met our freshman year in college. We did shows. We made videos. We lived together.

[Cut to videos of them in college years]

It’s been an amazing friendship. I just wish it was still like that.

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney working in SNL studio]

Beck Bennett: hey, bud. Do you want to grab a drink after this?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, I can’t. You know..

Beck Bennett: Yeah, no worries. It’s all good.

Beck Bennett narrating: You know, here at the show, we’ve always stuck together. But things change.

[Cut to Beck Bennett going through the script]

Beck Bennett: Oh, Kyle, what if you played the waiter? [Kyle Mooney doesn’t respond. Beck Bennett turns around. Kyle Mooney is making out with Leslie Jones.]

Leslie Jones: No, he should play the sheriff because he run this town.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, B, is it cool if I’m a Sheriff?

Beck Bennett: Sure. I’ll just restructure the whole thing.

Kyle Mooney narrating: Of course, Back and I are still close. It’s just Leslie and I have such a deep connection. I mean, we’ve raised a child together.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Leslie dropping off their child to college]

Kyle Mooney: Alright but, it looks like you’re all set for college.

[Their child is an adult wearing a wig.]

Child: I love you mom and dad.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we love you too, baby.

Kyle Mooney: Good luck, out there. We did good, baby.

Leslie Jones: Yes, we did.

Kyle Mooney: I love you.

Beck Bennett narrating: I want Kyle to be in a happy relationship. It’s just, I miss him.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Leslie being playful during work.]

Kyle Mooney: Stop, baby, what are you dong?

[Beck Bennett is looking at them from far. Colin Jost comes to Beck Bennett.]

Colin Jost: You know, it doesn’t have to be like this, right?

Beck Bennett: What do you mean?

Colin Jost: Ice rink. Midnight. Be there.

[Colin Jost walks out]

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost meeting at ice rink]

Beck Bennett: WTF, Jost?

Colin Jost: It’s simple. You want your friend back. I want my girl.

Beck Bennett: What are you suggesting?

Colin Jost: The masquerade ball is tomorrow night. It’s the perfect opportunity for us to both get what we desire.

Beck Bennett: I’m listening.

[Colin Jost starts whispering in Beck Bennett’s ear.]

Beck Bennett narrating: I’m just sorry it had to come to this.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney. He sees a note with his name on it. He reads it.]

[Cut to Leslie Jones. She sees a note with her name on it. She reads it.]

Kyle Mooney: Dearest Kyle…

Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones: … you have made my life so grand. I’ll be waiting for you…

Kyle Mooney: …with a white rose…

Leslie Jones: …with a red rose in my hand.

Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones: Meet me at the ball. Love, your best friend.

Leslie Jones: Aw, Kyle.

Kyle Mooney: Aw, Leslie.

Kyle Mooney narrating: This is so something Leslie would do. Tomorrow’s going to be unforgettable.

[Cut to masquerade ball]

Lorne Michael: The masquerade ball is always my favorite time of year. The cast gets to let loose and there is always a random hook up.

Aidy Bryant: Let’s get weird.

[Cut to Leslie Jones looking around for Kyle Mooney]

[Cut to Colin Jost waving at Leslie Jones. Colin Jost is wearing a wig and a mask, and has a red rose to make himself look like Kyle Mooney.]

Leslie Jones: Kyle!

[Cut to Kyle Mooney looking around for Leslie Jones. There is Beck Bennett dressed as a woman holding a white rose an wearing a mask.]

Kyle Mooney: White rose. Leslie. [Kyle Mooney walks near Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones] Leslie, you look beautiful.

[Cut to Leslie Jones dancing with Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: YOu’re getting so strong. I like it.

Colin Jost: Hmm, well, I’m Kyle.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones]

Kyle Mooney: Leslie, I want to see your face.

[Cut to Leslie Jones dancing with Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: You know what? Take off that mask. I wanna kiss my man.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones. Beck Bennett opens the mask.]

Kyle Mooney: Beck?

Beck Bennett: It was the only way to get through to you. I miss you man.

Kyle Mooney: Wait a sec.

[Kyle Mooney looks around.]

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney. Colin Jost wakes the mask off.]

Leslie Jones: Colin?

Colin Jost: Do I still get that kiss?

Kyle Mooney: You asshole!

[Kyle Mooney runs and beats Colin Jost up.]

Beck Bennett: Kyle, stop! Give your knuckles a rest.

[Beck Bennett starts hitting Colin Jost. Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney look at each other, smile, and start hitting Colin Jost again.]

[Tiffany Haddish walks in]

Tiffany: Everybody, hold up. [to Beck Bennett] You have to put your shoulder into it. [opens her wig and gives it to Beck Bennett] Hold my hair. [Tiffany starts hitting Colin Jost]

[Lorne Michael walks in]

Lorne Michael: Tiffany, no! You’ve got a big show tomorrow night. Let me help.

[Lorne Michael starts hitting Colin Jost]

[Cut to Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones sitting on a couch]

Beck Bennett: I guess we got a little carried away.

Kyle Mooney: But we talked it out and everything’s cool.

Leslie Jones: And… [Leslie Jones pulls Colin Jost. His falls is all bruised.] Colin decided not to press charges. Ain’t that right, Colin?

Colin Jost: Yes.