Colin Jost
Eric… Alex Moffat
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
Tiffany Trump… Chloe Fineman
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]Colin Jost: It’s safe to say it’s been a bumpy couple of weeks for the Trump family. Here with an update, our first sons, Eric and Don. Trump Jr.
[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]Donald Trump Jr.: Colin.
Colin Jost: Hey, guys.
Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, so you were in the Hamptons all summer. No call? No touch?
Colin Jost: It’s okay. No.
Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t I see you at the Trump boat parade?
Colin Jost: No. I was just on a fishing trip.
Donald Trump Jr.: Maybe. [Eric mumbling] Eric, move your mask. We can’t hear you, buddy. [Eric pulls the mask to cover his eyes and open his mouth.] No, come on. Just put it down. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls the mask off of Eric] Ew, Eric. It’s wet. Were you chewing on it?
Eric: [smiling] No.
Colin Jost: That’s a yes. I’m so glad to see that you guys are both healthy. That’s great.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yep. Healthy and thriving, Colin. I’ve been out on the campaign trail, super spreading my father’s message. And Eric had his very first Zoom business meeting today.
Eric: Uh-huh. I was muted.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. And he did great. He did great.
Colin Jost: Sounds great. Congratulations Eric. Now, most polls show that your father’s trailing Joe Biden. Is he worried about losing re-election?
[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. laughing]Donald Trump Jr.: Dad isn’t worried about losing this election. In fact he is–
Eric: Terrified.
Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, he’s not because he knows his base will show up on election day. In fact, he calls all his supporters–
Eric: [interrupting] White trash.
Donald Trump Jr.: No. He does not. He absolutely does not.
Eric: Yeah, and he does that voice.
Donald Trump Jr.: No, he doesn’t. Hey, you wanna put some hand sanitizer on, buddy? Here. [hands him a sanitizer] You’ve been touching stuff all day. You deal with that. Look, Colin, sleepy creepy Joe doesn’t have the stamina to pull off a win here. His platform is just re-heated [Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer] Obamacare policies that quite frankly didn’t work. Eric! Eric! You just drank that?
Eric: Dad said it was fine.
Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, it’s not. It’s like, 98% alcohol, buddy. You can’t do that. [Eric shows the bottle to everyone] Don’t show. What was that? Are you alright?
Eric: Uh-huh.
Donald Trump Jr.: Just ease off on that.
Colin Jost: Alright, he’s feeling it. Is your father confident then? He’s confident that he’s gonna win in November, you think?
[Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer again]Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, no more drinking that.
Eric: I wasn’t.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.
Colin Jost: He’s gonna win, you think?
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And the whole family’s got his back. Just ask our sister!
Colin Jost: Oh, wow! Is Ivanka here?
[Tiffany slides in. She’s got a ship-captain’s hat on and a bottle of champagne in her hand.]Tiffany: Whoo!
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.
Colin Jost: Oh, no. It’s not. It doesn’t look like Ivanka.
Donald Trump Jr.: No. Unfortunately, Ivanka–
Eric: Doesn’t like us. I was gonna say, “is busy”. So, we brought our other sister Tiffany.
Tiffany: Haha. Happy birthday to me. Haha. Hi, Colin.
Colin Jost: Hi, Tiffany. I see you’re still celebrating your birthday even that you got some flack in the press.
Tiffany: I’m just trying to be relatable millennial, Colin. But yeah, the media got all butt-hurt because I was partying maskless in Miami with the first 20 randos to slide in my DM. But I mean, I’m a step child named Tiffany. It’s kind of my job to get faded on south beach.
Donald Trump Jr.: She’s kidding, Colin.
Eric: [whispering to Donald Trump Jr.] Don, who is that lady?
Donald Trump Jr.: That’s your sister, Eric. Wait, Tiff, I don’t know if you and Eric have officially met.
Tiffany: Um, not in person. No.
Eric: [greeting Tiffany] Hi, not-vanka.
Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, don’t call her not-vanka, buddy.
Eric: Sorry.
Tiffany: It’s okay. Dad does.
Colin Jost: Tiffany, I have to ask. Were you worried about spreading COVID to your party guests considering that your father just had it?
Tiffany: Um, no. Daddy’s always taking the six-foot social distance rule very seriously with me.
Donald Trump Jr.: So, as you can see, Colin, we’re a united front. And we know dad is going to win no matter what the dems try to stir up. Like, this latest debt nonsense? Please, my dad doesn’t owe $400 million. He owes–
Eric: [interrupting] $800 million.
Donald Trump Jr.: He owes–
Tiffany: [interrupting] A billion dollars.
Donald Trump Jr.: No. He owes a little but Colin, you know how my dad does business. He goes big or–
Eric and Tiffany: He goes to jail.
Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, I can’t handle them. I can’t handle them both.
Colin Jost: Alright. The first kids, everyone.
Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you.