Tag: TikTok

Weekend Update- TikTok Fights Texas Ban, Chipotle Hiring for “Burrito Season”

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Dallas Zoo.]

Colin Jost: The Dallas zoo has been dealing with the disappearance of several animals, including a leopard, monkeys and a vulture. In an unrelated story. Check out my amazing coat. [picture changes to Colin wearing coat made of those animals’ skins]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Officials that TikTok are trying to stop efforts in Congress to ban the app by launching a campaign called ‘Project Texas’ because tick tock is their baby. And they know Texas won’t let them get rid of it.

[picture changes to an article that says “Chatbot lets people talk to Jesus and Hitler”]

A new AI Chatbot as created controversy after it allowed users to talk with Jesus and Hitler, and one guy who thinks he’s both. [picture changes to Kanye West]

It’s just news guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chihuahua.]

Colin Jost: A 23 year old Chihuahua in Ohio named Spike has been officially named the world’s oldest living dog. The secret to spikes long life? A lot of chihuahuas look the same.

[picture changes to Chipotle logo]

Chipotle has announced plans to hire 15,000 people to prepare for its busiest time of year which they are calling burrito season. And toilets are calling the apocalypse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Antartica.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Antarctica have discovered a 17 pound meteorite. Sadly it was on top of the last polar bear.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Site paying for people to eat cheese before bed”.]

Colin Jost: A mattress review site is paying people to test the theory that eating cheese before bed will give a person nightmares. But if you’re in bed, eating cheese till you pass out, your life is already a nightmare.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Chen Biao on TikTok

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, a judge blocked America’s ban on the Chinese owned app TikTok which the White House claims is a threat to national security. And here to comment is Chinese Trade Minister, Chen Biao

[Chen Biao slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: What’s poppin’ Michae Che? Trade daddy dropped the addie.

Michael Che: Well, it’s good to see you, Chen. So, you’re the one overseeing this TikTok deal?

Chen Biao: Yeah. No one else could do it but me coz I’m a savage, classy, boozy, loyal supplicant to the communist party.

Michael Che: Well, speaking of that, there’s concern the government of China could be stealing our data? Our user data with this TikTok app? What do you think it is?

Chen Biao: Okay. You’re worried that we’re stealing your identity? Honey, your phone unlocks with your face. Plus, America steals Chinese stuff everyday. Banning parts of the internet, arresting protestors, fireworks. It’s a hypocrisy for me, Che.

Michael Che: So, you’re not collecting our user data?

Chen Biao: I mean, we have it. But none of it is even that juicy. Like, “Oh, you googled ‘cousin greg shirtless’ Michael Che0 times last month.” You’re not quirky. You’re just horny, Savannah.

Michael Che: Who is Savannah?

Chen Biao: Some girl who said she is ‘doing the work’ on racism from her family’s house in Nantucket. Boat shoe wearing bitch!

Michael Che: Oh, well, the deal requires that TikTok be partially owned by an American company which is most likely gonna be Walmart.

Chen Biao: [sarcasm] Ooh. Walmart, brick and mortar, cool. How long did that brainstorm last? Look, if you said name an American company and I said “Walmart”, that would make me racist. But I guess cracker barrel didn’t want to play ball.

Michael Che: Alright. So, you seem pretty annoyed.

Chen Biao: I mean, yeah. I’m salty, Che. This has been a really hard time for China.

Michael Che: Because of the virus?

Chen Biao: No. Because live action Mulan was just okay. No songs, no mushu, no $30 from me, Disney Plus.

Michael Che: Well, does all this make you worried about the future of TikTok?

Chen Biao: Oh, no, babe. You cannot stop TikTok. We took videos and we made them shorter. We took babies and we made them cuter. We took lip syncs and we made them straight. So, you wanna stop China and get in the way of us? Well, I just checked my Fenty collab Rolex an you’re running out of time, so…

[Cut to a TikTok video of Chen Biao. It’s a female dialog and Chen Biao is doing the lip sync.]

Female voice: Girl, don’t do it. It’s not worth it. I’m not going to do it, girl. I was just thinking about it. I’m not gonna do it.

Chen Biao: TikTok!

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

[Cut back to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Chen Biao: I get it. I get it.