Message from the DNC

Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Diane Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from the democratic national committee.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi in her set]

Nancy Pelosi: This Tuesday, American went to the poll.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And they told president Trump, “We don’t like what you’re doing at all, sir.”

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And now, one thing is clear. We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: The dems are back.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language.] We’re back!

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein: You love us again.

Chuck Schumer: And we haven’t felt this confident since the day before Trump won.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: You love our fresh new ideas delivered by fresh new faces like me, Nancy Pelosi.

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And me, Diane Feinstein.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And me, Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language] I’m Tim Kaine.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: And I’m team player, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: And we also have some great new leaders waiting in the wings like hot young thing, Elizabeth Warren. And also, that’s right.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: It’s Biden Time.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And I’m still around too.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And together, we are going to end the spirit of divisiveness in this country by focusing on how we won the governor’s faces in two of the 10 states we care about.

Nancy Pelosi: And we learned our lesson from the election. We can’t just appeal to coastal elites. We need mouth breathers from Wisconsin.

Diane Feinstein: And window lickers from Ohio as well.

Nancy Pelosi: And we know what Americans really care about is jobs.

Diane Feinstein: Jobs, like smuggling immigrants across the border.

Nancy Pelosi: And converting confederate monuments into statues of prominent lesbian poets.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And we’re going to lace into people if they don’t say what’s politically correct. Like these comics out there who think it’s okay to make jokes about concentration camps. That guy should rot in he..

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: The dems are back, and we don’t stop now because we need another path for our country.

Diane Feinstein: Another vision for America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Another chance for me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Just one more chance, and maybe more more chance after that. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: I thought she was dead.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: We need bold leadership.

Diane Feinstein: And new blood.

[Cut to ‘Not Hillary’. She is Hillary Clinton wearing a fake mustache.]

Not Hillary: I think the Hillary idea could still work.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Chuck Schumer: This is our time.

Diane Feinstein: Our time.

Tim Kaine: Yo soy, Tim Kaine.

Nancy Pelosi: And just wait till Bernie transfers his millennial voters over to new leader.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. If you like it, you should have put a ring on it. Pass!

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: So, watch out, America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Because the dems are back.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: We’re back.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: Wi ado, senor, Trump.

All: Because the dems are back.

[Donna Brazile walks in]

Donna Brazile: I will destroy all of this.

Male voice: This ad was paid for by Mark Cuban for republican president.

Vice Presidential Debate Cold Open

Elaine Quijano… Melissa Villaseñor

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Vice Presidential Debate intro]

Narrator: The following is an encore presentation of Tuesday night’s Vice Presidential Debate.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano in her set] [cheers and applause]

Elaine Quijano: Good evening from Longwood University and welcome to the first and only Vice Presidential debate. I’m the new Hispanic cast member and tonight, I’ll be playing asian moderator Elaine Quijano because, baby steps. Now please, help me welcome America’s dad, senator Tim Kaine, and America’s stepdad governor Mike Pence.

[Mike Pence and Tim Kaine get in to the debate and shake their hands.] [cheers and applause]

Mike Pence: Good evening.

Tim Kaine: Ola, Elaine.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano. She is getting angry.]

Elaine Quijano: Hello. I’d like to thank you both for being here, and also say that you look exactly like before and after Rogan ad.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Mike Pence: We know.

Tim Kaine: We know.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano

Elaine Quijano: Our first question tonight is about foreign policy. What are your plans to combat terrorism at home and abroad? Senator Kaine, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Tim Kaine: Awesome, Elaine. I have an awesome answer for this and here it is. Donald Trump has called Mexicans rapists and he’s called women pigs and slobs.

Mike Pence: No, no. That’s not true.

Tim Kaine: Yes, it is, Elaine!

Mike Pence: No, it’s not. Those are lies. Donald Trump loves women. He respects women. He has never said a single bad thing about women. And I dare you to show me a single shred of evidence that proves otherwise.

[Cut to CNN Breaking News intro]

Announcer: This is a CNN Breaking News alert.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin in her news set.]

Brooke Baldwin: Well, looks like Donald Trump finally got what he wanted, a working microphone. Newly leaked audio shows Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd comments about women on an access Hollywood bus in 2005. Here to address this breaking scandal is Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Donald Trump] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Are you not entertained?

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Mr. Trump, this leaked audio showed you saying– you know, I can’t quite say it on live television. [hesitating to speak] But basically you said you wanted to– to–

Donald Trump: Grab them by the pussy.

Brooke Baldwin: Oh my god.

Donald Trump: And I would like to take this time to formally apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: What? What are you saying?

Donald Trump: I deeply apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: Are you trying to say apologize?

Donald Trump: No, I would never do that. [Cut to Donald Trump] What I am doing is apple-lagizing to all the people who are offended by my statements. But more importantly to the people who were turned on by them. I hear it’s really 50-50.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. But Mr. Trump, why would you say these horrible things in the first place?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Brooke, I was trying to look cool. I mean, what normal red blooded American doesn’t wanna impress the Billy Bush? Also, P.S., you have to admit it’s kind of funny that the only Bush who matters in this general election is Billy.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: But doesn’t really excuse what you said.

Donald Trump: Listen, okay, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago. Back when I was just a young childish 59year old man.

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. Now, Mr. Trump, many republicans have stood by you through a lot of other scandals but are now polling their support. People like senator John McCain.

Donald Trump: Coward.

Brooke Baldwin: Carly Fiorina.

Donald Trump: She’s a four.

Brooke Baldwin: And Idaho’s senator Mike Crapo.

Donald Trump: More like crap-o.

Brooke Baldwin: Okay. But you must admit this is bad for you.

Donald Trump: The only person I need is my running mate Mike Pence. I love Mike Pence. I respect Pence. I’ll always have Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Well actually, today he said he can’t condone your remarks and then he cancelled his campaign events.

Donald Trump: Mike Pence is a loser. I hate his guts. I call him puny Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Now, these comments have specifically offended women. What would you say to women voters watching this right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I would say this. Listen women, if you give me a chance I promise I can do a whole lot more than just grab it. I can also bop it, twist it and pull it.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Brooke Baldwin is disgusted.]

Brooke, I’m tired of talking about me, okay? We need to move forward and focus on the serious issues. I’d like to say my condolences and prayers to everyone affected by Hurricane Matthew. I love people in Florida and I hope that they stay safe. I love the people in Florida. I hope they stay safe.

Brooke Baldwin: Wow, that was actually a very nice thing to say, Mr. Trump. Um, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, that was republican nominee Donald Trump. Joining us now to discuss more on this–

Donald Trump: Yeah, let me tell you something okay?

[Brooke Baldwin looking around]

Brooke Baldwin: What is that?

Donald Trump: I wish I was that hurricane [Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Donald Trump doesn’t know he is still on air and is speaking to someone.] tearing through all of that hot Miami pussy. Oh yeah. I would just destroy it.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, we can still hear you.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: Really? Then I apple-logize.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, we now go live to Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters where they’ve just received news of the leak.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and her colleagues dancing and partying]

Hillary Clinton: [dancing] I’m sorry Brooke, I’m sorry I didn’t see you. We were so busy preparing for the debate tomorrow. I am studying so hard, I am really nervous for this one.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton pops a champagne bottle and drinks from the bottle.]

Brooke Baldwin: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about this leaked audio? I mean you must have had a hard time listening to it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I did. [looks at her colleagues] Take five, kids. [Her colleagues leave] Um, I did Brooke. It was incredibly disturbing. And when I heard it, I was deeply saddened. [smiling] It made me feel just horrible and very depressed. I’m sorry Brooke. I mean, it is a very, very sad day for our country and for all women, minus one. [winks]

Brooke Baldwin: I have to say, Mrs. Clinton, you seem pretty excited by this leak.

Hillary Clinton: Well, you know, it’s my reward Brooke, for every single thing I’ve been through in the last 30 years. White water, Benghazi, Mary J. Blige singing into my face for a full hour last week.

Brooke Baldwin: Now, since Mr. Trump’s comments were so bad.

Hillary Clinton: So, so bad. Just horrible. Horrible.

Brooke Baldwin: Do you think he should drop out?

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no. Give him a shot. He deserves that. But I would like to all of the women out there who heard Trump’s comments and are still voting for him. [joining her hands] My babies, your brain broke. I love you but this, you’re cray!

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, Mrs. Clinton. Thank you for your time. Thank you everyone at home for joining us. We’ll keep you posted.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. Let me tell you something.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Once again Donald Trump doesn’t know he’s on air.]

He’s a loser. He’s a huge, huge loser.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: I mean, can you believe Ted Cruz endorsed me? Do you see that sad little video of him making calls for me? Talk about a pussy that I left to grab by the throat.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, your microphone is still on.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: What? It is? Then I would like to tell Ted Cruz in all sincerity, I stand by with that what I said. You’re a huge loser.  And also, live from New York it’s Saturday night.