Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President elect Donald Trump was named Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016. Here to comment is last year’s person of the year, German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Michael Che slides in]

Michael Che: Hello, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi. How are you?

Michael Che: Good to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Good to have you. So chancellor, what do you think about Time choosing Donald Trump?

Michael Che: Well, you know, it kind of undermines the honor for me. [Cut to Michael Che] It’s like winning the Noble Prize for physics and then the next year they give it to Huberstank. You know 2016 has been a real Volkswagen. Brexit, Trump, left me with more questions than answers. It was nihilistic even by the German standards. But I’m coping. I’ve spend many anight in my bathtub with my two best friends, a glass of riesling and an adult coloring book. The other day, I colored a peacock. Then David Cameron called he always knows how to cheer me up. He said, “Let’s call Donald Trump and pretend to be the presidents of Taiwan.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow! Yeah. Now, I have to ask, are you worried at all about the rise of nationalism in America and Europe?

Michael Che: No. Nationalism in Europe? What could go wrong? [Cut to Michael Che] Sorry, that was the first German attempt at sarcasm. I’ll work on it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, it was good. It was good. Now, you’re not excited then, I assume, about the alt-right movement?

Michael Che: Ah, yes, in America you call it alt-right. In Germany we call it ‘Why grandpapa lives in Argentina now’. Forgive me, Colin. I must let out a German scream.

[screams with her mouths closed]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was a scream?

Michael Che: Yes. That’s right. In Germany we shout our problems into our stomachs.

Colin Jost: It seems very healthy. Now, have you spoken to Hillary since the election?

Michael Che: No, no. She is so deep in the woods, I’m worried she’ll come upon a candy house. [Cut to Michael Che] I had such hopes for Hil. I was so sure we were gonna be besties, staying up all night eating junk food, playing F Marry Kill the Leaders of Asia. We would do each other’s makeup, you know, just chap stick and sun block. Watch our favorite movie ‘Bad Moms’. In Germany, this is a mom who lets her child go to art school. And of course, we would talk about Barack. Oh, my Barack. [singing] I will remember you, my Barack, Barack Obama. We just made his last visit to Germany as president and I stole one of his gloves so he would have to come back and get it. But apparently he hs many gloves.

[Michael Che starts screaming with her mouth closed] [Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Chancellor, it’s okay. It’s okay. Just cheer up. Cheer up, it’s the holidays. Remember? It’s the holidays.

Michael Che: You’re right, you’re right. Maybe I will get some of the gifts on my list. [Cut to Michael Che] This year I asked for world peace, a bowl so I can cut my own bangs and a gift certificate to my favorite store, the Women’s Warehouse. You’re going to look the way you look, I guarantee it!

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time Magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Time magazine this week named Angela Merkel as it’s 2015 person of the year. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

Angela Merkel: [in calm voice] Woo, woo, woo.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you okay chancellor?

Angela Merkel: I’m trying to celebrate. My body is rejecting it.

Colin Jost: Your body is rejecting celebrating?

Angela Merkel: Well, let me talk. Oops!

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, Time person of the year though. Right? I mean you must be at least flattered by the honor.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Of course, this is unt-hoot as well as un-tolla. But 2015 has not been the easiest year. Greece wanted to borrow more money. Syria asked if 1 million refugees could sleep on my couch. Unt, my favorite blazer has been discontinued at the short unboxing. Plus, [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost. Angela Merkel pulls out Time magazine with her on the front page.] look at my face. This is like a pile of oat meal with two blueberries for eyes. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It just smiles and says, “Are we done here?” [starts sobbing]

Colin Jost: Now, hold on. [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost] I think it is at least a huge deal. You know? Cheer up. Think of it as a Christmas present from Santa Claus.

Angela Merkel: Yea right, you’re right. But in Germany we do not have Santa Claus.  We have an ancient demon named Crampas. [Cut to Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: Oh yeah.

Angela Merkel: Yes. Your horror movie is what our children look forward to all year. If you’re nice, he gives you a tiny block of thick paste. And if you’re bad, he ices your out emotionally until you scream, “What have I done?” But he never says. He just rolls his eyes and leaves you to punish yourself. But it works.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that sounds terrifying. Now, Donald Trump was very critical of you winning the title. He says you’re ruining Germany.

Angela Merkel: Oh yeah, I guess he prefers earlier stuffs. Woof! Woof! [Cut to Angela Merkel] You know, the only thing he and I’d see eye to eye on is hair shapes. Because we have the same stylist.

Colin Jost: Same stylist?

Angela Merkel: Yes. We just walk in, we have– “You have three seconds, go!”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And Angela, did you hear from any other world leaders?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Hillary and I were exchanging tiny umes… She was like, [Cut to Angela Merkel] “Congrats on the cover, girl.” And I was like, “Congrats on republican nominees, girl. By the way, do you think Barack Obama saw the cover photo because I ran into Barack at the climate summit and he makes my climate warm, like, more than 2 degree Celsius. Woo-woo.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I at least hope —

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: It’s a goo try, it’s almost taking.

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: No, no. It’s weird. It’s weird. You can’t celebrate. I hope you at least take some time to enjoy this moment.

Angela Merkel: Yeah, I will, I will, because our Christmas holiday is coming up and I plan to take full three hours. I will get turned up, there will be so much eggnod.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, eggnod?

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Yes, this is when you watch a chicken hatch from an egg and you nod at it, and it nods back at you as if to say, “We are all born and we all shall die. Merry Crampus everyone.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Merry Crampus. Angela Merkel, everyone.

Angela Merkel: Time for me.