Weekend Update- A Proud Gay Oompa Loompa on Timothée Chalamet

Colin Jost

Oompa Loompa… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A photo of Timothee Chalamet as Willy Wonka in an upcoming prequel of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” went viral this week with many on social media calling him a Twink Willy Wonka. Here to comment on this is a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

[Oompa Loompa slides in]

Oompa Loompa: Hi. I’m sorry. Hi, Colin. How did you just introduce me?

Colin Jost: As a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

Oompa Loompa: Oh my god.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sorry. Is that not correct?

Oompa Loompa: No, it’s correct. You just, um, outed me on national television. But no, it’s fine. Don’t feel bad. I actually came here to make a statement about our pending factory strike. But now, I guess I gotta… call my parents.

Colin Jost: No.

Oompa Loompa: But it’s okay. It’s okay. All good. Just so I can plan, when does this air?

Colin Jost: It’s live.

Oompa Loompa: It’s live? Okay, well, I should probably read my little paper. Well, the recent coverage of an attractive young Wonka is scrump-diddly-umptious. What’s not so scrump-diddly-umptious are the unsafe working conditions in this factory– Oh, boy.  [gets upset]

Colin Jost: Are you okay?

Oompa Loompa: I just don’t want my family to find out like this.

Colin Jost: You think they’ll be upset?

Oompa Loompa: They live in Loompa land. It’s not as progressive as here. They’re like just got “Will & Grace”. So yeah, it’s gonna be a conversation.

Colin Jost: Well, we can stop if you want.

Oompa Loompa: No, I got it. I got it. This Twink Wonka or Twonka may look as yummy as lick-able wallpaper but make no mistake, he– Okay, actually, you know what, Colin? You did me a huge favor because now I can be honest about everything. Okay, point blank, a man doesn’t know how to make a chocolate. Okay? He doesn’t. He’s an ideas man who has never touched a machine. He just tumbles into the inventing room and says something like, “Oh, what about a gum drop that makes children dream silly dreams?” And it’s like, “Yeah, bitch, what about it?” Meanwhile, we’re up all night rehearsing the little song and dance we do when a child dies. The whole thing is sick.

Colin Jost: Then I guess you’re not too excited about this new Wonka.

Oompa Loompa: Sorry, I’m just curious. Do I just give off a gay vibe? What about this makes me seem gay to you?

Colin Jost: It’s just… there’s a lot of product in your hair. I don’t know.

Oompa Loompa: Okay. And you just stepped out of the shower like that with your’s? Pot head. Okay, well, I’m being a bitch. But honestly, it does feel nice to be out and I don’t know, maybe, now that I’m out of the closet, maybe you can come out too, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, no, no, I’m not gay.

Oompa Loompa: I’m sorry, boys, I tried.

Colin Jost: A proud gay Oompa Loompa, everyone.

Oompa Loompa: I’m in the union.

Timothée Chalamet Monologue

Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Timothée Chalamet: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Timothée Chalamet and it’s a huge honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live in New York city. Man, I’m so happy to be here. I’m from New York. I live in New York. I actually grew up in an arts building in Hells Kitchen about 12 minutes from here. [cheers and applause] Hells Kitchen crowd. Alright. Before I was born, my mom was a dance teacher, but on occasion she would do background work on Saturday Night live. In fact, we have a clip of her in Dana Carvey and Chris Farley’s sketch, “Massive Head Wound Harry.”

[Cut to a clip from the sketch “Massive Head Wound Harry” where Timothée Chalamet is at the background.]
[Cut back to 1]

Yes! That’s my mom. She almost got spit on by Chris Farley. She’s the reason I’m alive. She’s reason I have an acting career. Mom, I love you. I think she’s right there.

[Cut to Timothée Chalamet’s mom at the audience]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut back to 1]

And no matter where I go, I’ll always be a New York city kid at heart. Especially at Christmas.

[Timothée Chalamet walks to a piano.]

Sorry about that. I’ll play a little song if that’s alright with you guys. It’s nothing like Christmas in New York when you grew up here. Ice skating on the Hudson. Sledding down the side of the Chrysler building. Leaving cookies for Santa in the bathroom at the port of 30 bus terminal. I had my first New Year’s eve kiss with Mr. Met’s daughter, Stacy Met. Sweet girl, big head. The city was my playground and the subway was my babysitter. Nothing like eating Cheetos on the F train on Christmas eve. Umm. You eat a handful, and you hold the pole. Then you lick your fingers. I miss that. Playing hide and seek in Grand Central and never seeing any of your friends ever again. I went to La Guardia. [cheers and applause] Not the school. The airport. I know all the boroughs. Brooklyn, Queens and Boca Raton. Ah! New York! The city’s so nice, they named it New York. And we got another New York city kid on cast. Hey! Look who it is. It’s Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson joins Timothée Chalamet]

Pete Davidson: Hello everybody. Timothée, you smell great.

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, thanks man. Pete, you ss-smell.

Pete Davidson: Cool. Now look, I’m not from that New York. I’m from Staten Island.

Timothée Chalamet: Well, what were your Christmases like?

Pete Davidson: Oh! A Staten Island Christmas. Skiing across the Verrazzano bridge. Hearing Santa come down the chimney and realizing it’s just rats. Decorating our Christmas tree with spaghetti and scratch offs. We don’t leave Santa cookies and milk. We leave them bud light and a white cloth. Yes, that was a Staten Island Christmas.

Timothée Chalamet: Okay, slightly different. But still, that’s New York, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love you, Staten Island.

Timothée Chalamet: And I love you New York city. Hey, we got a great show. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.