Bart… Beck Bennett
Tina… Aidy Bryant
Melissa Villaseñor[Starts with four people having a barbecue party in their house, waiting for two more friends to arrive.]
Bart: Well, should we start eating or should we wait for Robin and Dan?
Kate: Are they still coming? They’re two hours late.
Tina: Well, I guess now that they’re big reality TV stars, they think they can just show up whenever.
Bart: Oh, come on. Don’t do that. They’re our friends. And they are great on Kings and Queens of Santa Clarita.
Kate: Do you think they’ve changed?
Mikey: Oh, I’m sure they’re the same old down to earth people we remember.[Cecily and Will walk in. Cecily has a wine bottle and a glass of wine in her hands. Will has a puppy in his one hand and a glass of wine on the other]
Cecily: Oh my god! We are late. We are the worst.
Will: We suck so bad and so hard for so long. I need hugs from everyone.
Cecily: Oh. So do I. Hugs. Oh, I gotta hug my girls.[Cecily slowly runs towards Kate and Tina and hugs them.]
Will: And where are my bros? Let me punch your butts and slap your sacks.[Will slaps Bart and Mikey’s penises]
Bart: Oh, you meant that.
Cecily: [laughing] I can’t tell you how great it is to be out of LA and back in Flagstaff with my .
Will: Give me red peeps over Hollywoo-woo any day.
Tina: Well, I’d offer you a drink. But it looks like you walked in with full glasses of wine.
Will: Um, we did. It’s our’s. We just started our line of weight loss wine. How cool is that?
Cecily: Yeah! It’s called ‘Slimfindale. it’s got caffeine, olestra and zinfin in it.
Will: You get so much energy and then you go to the bathroom 11 times a day.
Cecily: Yeah. Then another 11 at night.
Kate: Oh, wow.
Will: We brought bottles for all of you. The labels are wrong though. They got Carla from the Chew on it.
Cecily: Yeah. She backed out, so they came to us. How fabu is that?
Bart: Hmm, yeah. That’s great. So, um, your faces are different now.
Cecily: Yeah. Thank you. They are. They really are.
Will: Um-hmm. We got the most expensive procedure from the cheapest doctor we could find.
Tina: Well, it certainly looks like that.
Cecily and Will: Aww.
Kate: Do you wanna put your dog down?
Cecily and Will: No.
Will: No. She doesn’t walk. She hates it. [in baby voice] Walking is for babies.
Cecily: [in baby voice] And now she can’t. She doesn’t have leg muscle. Oh, yeah. [in normal voice] Oh, god. I just feel so grounded.
Will: So grounded.
Cecily: Being back here, right?
Mikey: Well, um, should we sit down, catch up?
Cecily: Oh, yeah. Great idea. You know what? Actually, our camera crew is outside. Do you mind if we just film a little bit of this?
Kate: Like, us? You want us on your show?
Will: Yeah. Just us catching up and talking. It’ll be like a sweet back home moment. Showing people our roots.
Bart: Sure, yeah. I guess so. That could be fun.
Will: Ah! Totally. Hey, come on in, guys. They’re cool with it.[Melissa walks in with a cameraman]
Melissa: Hey, guys. Just act like we’re not here. And action![Kate and Tina sit down.]
Cecily: [yelling at Tina] You are a manipulative skank and you wish you have everything I have.
Cecily: You need to own it. You need to own your BS.
Tina: Excuse me?
Will: [yelling] Hey! Don’t you dare yell at my wife! I’ll hit you over the head with my dog.
Cecily: Oh, and Tina. [Cecily pulls out pink panties] Here’s some panties.
Will: Yeah, Tina.
Cecily: Next time wear them. You’ve been showing your chooch all night.
Will: Exactly, Tina.
Cecily: My husband’s answer comes pop out of his head.
Will: Yeah. I am a red blooded American boy after all.
Mikey: What is happening?
Will: Oh, buddy, don’t make me hit you with my dog. Because I will do it. Peanut is locked and loaded.
Cecily: [to Tina] Hey, why didn’t you come to our vows renewal in Catolina?
Tina: I didn’t know.
Will: Oh, well we did rewrite it after I cheated on her. Everyone was there. Literally, everyone but you. You bitch. [looks at barbecue] Also, my wife can’t have chicken. What is this, Todd? [throwing away the barbecue] What is this chicken? She can’t have it.
Mikey: It’s chicken.
Will: Bart, what is this?
Bart: It’s chicken. Like he said. My wife can’t have chicken.
Cecily: I stopped eating anything that can talk.
Will: But if you watched the show, you would know this. I told you, she outgrew this C words.
Melissa: And cut! that was awesome, you guys.
Will: Great! Thanks for doing that, guys.
Cecily: Yeah. They’re gonna email you all release forms. Ooh, can we use your bathroom?
Will: Oh, yes, please.
Bart: Why? So you can poop out your energy wine?
Will: Oh, no, no, no. We’re just gonna do drugs in there.