Tag: Tina Fey

Revolutionary War

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Rachel Dratch

Netalie Portman

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Dunken… Chris Redd

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with a picture of an old painting where there are men sitting inside a room]

Male voice: 1775, American colonists in New England are in open revolt against their British overlords. In Philadelphia, representatives of each colony meet to address the crisis.

[Cut to the representatives’ meeting]

Beck: Order! Order! Order! We must declare ourselves an independent nation.

Kyle: And fight the British army? We cannot win, sir!

[Pete walks in with a letter in his hands]

Pete: Glorious news from Boston. It seems the New England have just won an astounding victory over the British in a place called Bonker Hill.

[The men are not excited. They all sigh.]

I don’t understand. Is this not a welcome news?

Beck: No, it is. It’s just that now we have to hear the boasting from the Patriots of New England.

[A group of people wearing blue clothes walk in cheering and making noise. They have glasses in their hands. They are celebrating.]

Alex: Oh, yay!

Rachel: We crushed your chief again. We are the Patriots of New England and we are unstoppable.

New England Patriots: Yeah!

Alex: Do we even know how to lose? No!

Natalie: Dynasty! That’s the word you’re looking for. Dynasty.

Heidi: That’s just how we do it in Massachusetts, kid.

Luke: And Connecticut was there too.

Rachel: Yeah. Sure. A bit. But we’re number one!

New England Patriots: Number one!

Beck: [whispering] I recognize that New England wins battles, but must they be so obnoxious about it?

Kyle: Dreadfully annoying. Frankly, I’m willing to lose this whole war if it means not seeing them win again.

Beck: New Englanders, are you drinking beer? This is not a public house!

Rachel: Knock it! This is coffee from Dunkens.

Natalie: The best. Hey, Dunken, thanks!

[Dunken walks in with two more glasses]

Dunken: It’s good, right? I feel like I should like– It should go like a sweet bread. Like, a very– [Alex looks at Dunken and shakes his head. Dunken keeps quiet and walks out.]

Pete: [very excited] Well, I for one applaud you New England Patriots. On your many victories. What’s up?

Rachel: Many? Many victories? Try five, boss.

New England Patriots: Five!

Rachel: Yeah, we won them all. French and Indian war.

Natalie: Won it.

Rachel: King Phillips war.

Natalie: Killed it.

Rachel: Lexington, Concord!

Natalie: Crushed it.

Rachel: And now, Bonker Hill.

Natalie: The best one yet kid. Oh! Oh! Oh! Tell em’ the story!

Alex: Alright! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Alex walks near Beck,Kyle and Pete]

Beck: Oh, god! Here we go.

Alex: Okay. It was insane, bro! The British got like, 50 ships, okay? We get pushed back way behind our line like 40 yards.

Beck: I see.

Alex: Okay. But, our guy, Captain Thomas Brady, he’s got like a best cannon and boom! We come back like we always do.

Natalie: It was wicked sick! Wicked!

Beck: Wonderful. It’s always lovely to hear another story about Thomas Brady. Now…

Rachel: Thomas Brady is like a machine.

Alex: Um-hmm.

Rachel: We’re all machines. We’re New England. Yeah!

Natalie: We eat the most lobsters.

Heidi: And we got the most rocks in the soil. So, how you like us now?

Beck: Ha-ha. Yes, yes. Well, congratulations again. But I’m sure others would fight just as bravely if given the chance.

Natalie: Oh, yeah?

Heidi: What?

[Kenan, Tina and Charlie walk in. They’re Philadelphians.]

Tina: Yea! We won. [cheers and applause]

Beck: Ah! The delegation from Philadelphia.

Tina: Yeah. How you’s doing? We crossed many waters up the Scoogle river to give all you’s a message. Philly is mad strong. From the lil babies to all our mom-moms and pop-pops. We is ready to fight!

Charlie: Yeah! We whip their horseshoe at their head and sent the British home.

Tina: Yeah. So, grease up them polls, coz Philly’s gonna win and then one of these guys are gonna punch a police horse.

Kenan: Yeah. We’s a bunch of rowdy quakers!

Kyle: Sir, you’re form Philadelphia?

Kenan: Yeah. West Philadelphia, born and raised.

Beck: Alright. I admire your spirit, Philadelphia, but you don’t exactly have history of winning battles like New England does.

Tina: Yeah. Well, that was then. This is now. Okay? Call us the Eagles, coz we’re ready to fly.

Charlie: Fly, Eagles, fly!

Beck: The Eagles?

Tina: Yeah. And like Eagles, we Philadelphians are swift. We are deadly. And our eyes are all built too close together.

Kenan: Yeah! And we got the best food.

Tina: Yeah. Hand me that, Charlie. Hand me that. [Tina takes a bucket from Charlie’s hand] I brought venison hoagies, porch stuffed peppers and corn fritters from Wawa. Wawa. Wawa is an Indian lady who lives just outside of country house.

Natalie: Philadelphia, please! You got no chance, kid!

Rachel: Yeah! Let New England handle this, you skeezer!

Kenan: Oh, go home, New England!

Tina: Yeah. And can I tell you something about your precious captain, Thomas Brady? He’s old, okay? He’s like, forty. That’s four years pass life expectancy.

Rachel: No, sir. You take that back, sir! You take that back!

Tina: Na-ah! Na-ah! Boston’s not even a real city. It’s a college town with a fishing pier.

Rachel: Oh, yeah? Oh, talk to us when you win one, num nuts!

[The two groups are feuding]

Beck: Hey! Patriots of New England, you have truly achieved remarkable success. I believe I speak for this entire chamber when I say, “Just shut up.” Shut up! Yes, you have won in the past. But by no means does that guarantee future victory. And Philadelphians, you are overdue for victory. And I wish you all the best in your upcoming battles. But if you do win, please be cool. Okay? Just because the British don’t burn your city doesn’t mean you have to. Do we nave an understanding?

Tina: Nope!

Natalie: Yeah. We’re the best. You know it.

Rachel: Yeah. Because New England brings the pain!

Luke: And Connecticut too.

Tina: Oh, you trying to get beat tonight? We don’t need the British. We can settle this outside right now.

Rachel: Oh, good with me. Come on! One if by land. Two by your mother.

[They start feuding again. They all walk out.]

Beck: They are the worst. Is there any way they both could lose?

Kyle: God, let’s hope so.

Felicity Jones Monologue

Felicity Jones

Jyn Erso … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Jones.

[Felicity Jones walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Felicity Jones: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be here hosting the first show of 2017. I’ve been in several films this year. But I’m here tonight because of an Indie Movie I’m in called ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.’ I play Jyn Erso. It’s very cool to be the lead in the film especially as a woman. I didn’t get to use a light saber in the movie, but I did get to transfer a very large data file. So, all very exciting. Watch out for my action figure which comes complete with dropbox account. ‘Rogue One’ is the first spinoff movie in the ‘Star Wars’ universe. There’s an upcoming movie about ‘Young Han Solo’, and also the first NC-17 Star Wars movie, ‘The Force Arouses’.

This is all very exciting, but I’ll have to admit that I’m–

[Jyn Erso walks in]

Jyn Erso: Jyn!

Felicity Jones: –nervous about the show. Hi.

Jyn Erso: Is that you? Jyn Erso.

Felicity Jones: Saw Garrera?

Jyn Erso: It is you, Jyn! I have some urgent news. [takes a breath through a mask]

Felicity Jones: What are you breathing from that mask?

Jyn Erso: Wouldn’t you like to know? Felicity, I heard you needed help with your SNL hosting mission. I have a message from an old friend.

[Jyn Erso puts something on the ground and leaves. A hologram of Tina Fey appears in front of Felicity Jones.]

Tina Fey: Felicity! Felicity!

Felicity Jones: Oh my god! Oh my god! Tina Fey! You’re in a head scarf. Are you a Star Wars princess?

Tina Fey: No, I just– I bought this Eileen Fisher. They have amazing deals after the holidays.

Felicity Jones: Why are you a hologram? Are you like Tupac?

Tina Fey: In so many ways. Yes. Except that Dr. Dre that I’m friend’s with is my podiatrist. Felicity, I hear you’re hosting SNL.

Felicity Jones: Yes. Yes. I’m a bit nervous to be honest.

Tina Fey: No, don’t be. If Steven Seagal can do it, so can you. All you need to do is go out there and do your best. Don’t worry about what the reviews say.

Felicity Jones: Does this show get reviewed?

Tina Fey: Yes. Way too much. Also, no matter how it goes, the president of the United States will say it’s sad and overrated.

Felicity Jones: The president?

Tina Fey: [laughing] Yeah! The president. It’s fine, no one cares. But Felicity, listen to me. Tonight there will be lots of sketches and you’re not always going to be the funny one. Here’s a rule. If your first line in a sketch is, “Hey guys, I hope you don’t mind that I brought my friend Ray Ray,” then you’re not the funny one.

Felicity Jones: Yeah. I suspected that was the case.

Tina Fey: Also, if Leslie Jones suddenly appears at the end of a sketch acting vaguely horny and angry at everyone, it means the writers couldn’t think of an ending.

Felicity Jones: Sure. I’ve only met Leslie once and she called me Downtown Abby.

Tina Fey: Well, that’s a term of endearment. She calls anyone that who is white and British. And remember, if all else fails, you should know that back in season 35, I put a fatal flaw in the system. If you take out Kenan Thompson, the studio will explode.

Felicity Jones: Is that why he’s been on the show so long?

[Kenan Thompson walks in, still wearing Jyn Erso costume]

Kenan: Well, that and he has a family.

[Kenan Thompson walks out]

Felicity Jones: I see. Thanks, Tina, your advice has been so helpful. Is there anything that I can do for you?

Tina Fey: Yes. You must get this message to J.J. Abrams. Tell him I am technically available to act in films.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: [loud voice] Felicity! Ha-ha! Whoo, girl! Why you talking to that white lady from Whiskey Tango? It is making me angry and horny.

Tina Fey: See? There it is. Now go out there and make it happen.

Felicity Jones: I’ll try my best. [the hologram disappears] We have got a great show tonight.  Sturgill Simpson is here.  Stick around and we will be right back.

Weekend Update Two Undecided Voters

Colin Jost

Denise McDonough… Tina Fey

Doreen Troilo.. Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As poll numbers in swing states remain close, they are speculating that this election could be decided by the female voters of suburban, Philadelphia. Please welcome two undecided voters from Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania, Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo.

[Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Doreen Troilo: Hi, Colin.

Denise McDonough: Hi, Colin Jost. Hi, Che.

Colin Jost: Hi there.

Doreen Troilo: We brought you some hogies. [passes the hogies to Colin]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! It’s a hogie. Thank you so much. Thank you. So, ladies, how dies it feel to be the most saw after voters of the country right now.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: I think it’s fun.

Doreen Troilo: I love it.

Colin Jost: And have you decided who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Denise McDonough: Colin, I’m torn from a scooter accident, but I also don’t know whom to vote for.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, me neither. I don’t know. I think they’re both bad.

Denise McDonough: Whatever. You love Trump.

Doreen Troilo: I don’t love Trump.

Denise McDonough: Yeah, well stop acting like you do. Everyone thinks you love Trump. You’re always like, “Oh, his hair is real, you know?”

Doreen Troilo: I said it one time. Get off my bra strap, please. I don’t like Trump. I don’t like he– I don’t like that he called Alicia Machado fat.

Denise McDonough: Ah! I know, right? It’s like, does this guy have mirrors in his house? He looks like someone opened a case to pick the chicken out.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you guys think of Secretary Clinton?

Denise McDonough: Hah!

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Undecided, yeah.

Colin Jost: Really?

Doreen Troilo: She lied about her emails. She lied about Benghazi. She pretended to be surprised on Steve Harvey. She also called people a basket of diplorables. And that’s not a phrase.

Denise McDonough: Here’s my call. Hillary’s husband cheated on her and I don’t like the way she handled it.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, you think it was not feminist of her to sort of discredit Jennifer Flowers like that?

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: What? No. I don’t like that she didn’t finish the job. That girl has been banging your husband for 12years, at very least you gotta cut off her ponytail.

Doreen Troilo: Yeah. Very minimum, you cut the ponytail.

Denise McDonough: Gotta go through the tail. When a girl so much–

Doreen Troilo: Cut the ponytail hard.

Denise McDonough: Colin, right?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Doreen Troilo: Colin Jost, we brought you some hogies. [Colin Jost laughing] I apologize. I’ve been on vacation to my accent.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Once a year, she goes to Jamaica. He accent’s gone.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Denise McDonough: Colin Jost, when a girl so much is flirting with my husband, I released mice into the drop ceiling of her pizza place.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: This one’s not playing games.

Colin Jost: No. She’s not. [Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost] Now, how do you feel about these shocking revelations where Donald Trump said when you’re a star, you can do anything to women.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Ah!

Doreen Troilo: I get it.

Denise McDonough: It doesn’t bother me.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? I thought you guys would be mad about that one.

Denise McDonough: No. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] When you’re a big star like that, the rules are different. Like, if you’ve ever been to the Philadelphia mummers parade on New Years, have you ever been to that Colin Jost?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Denise McDonough: Oh, you should go. It’s terrible. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] Anyways, a lot of the guys in the clown brigade are already drunk. And you’re like, sometimes they might honk your boob on the way down the street and like– I think Trump is just kind of like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost:  So, he’s like a drunk clown on the street?

Denise McDonough: Yeah, like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Men are always gonna be gross. You remember when you and me and Patrice punched our way to the front row of the Hooter’s concert at the Mad Music Center?

Denise McDonough: Yes.

Doreen Troilo: The guy blows keyboard pulled me up on my perm and went to town on me like I was his mouth piano.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think it’s called the melodica.

Doreen Troilo: But it’s also called two free t-shirts and a ride home. So, don’t judge me. It was like, four years ago.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: You know, of all of them the one that I think is secretly the biggest jackass, Mike Pence.

Doreen Troilo: You don’t like Pence? He seems like the normal one.

Denise McDonough: Umm-umm. He seems normal coz he’s next to Trump. He’s really beef from back to the future. You know he backed that law in Indiana saying like, if your’e real Jesusy, you can refuse to sell pizza to gay people. First of all Indiana, no one wants your garbage pizza.

Doreen Troilo: You know that crust with no tweakiness.

Denise McDonough: Also, it’s 2016. Like, what old white man thinks he’s still in charge of gays and women? It’s like if I want to feel like it’s the 50s again, I’ll put on my pink lady’s jacket from the party that we had for your 40th.

Doreen Troilo: Party that we had for my 40th.

Denise McDonough: So fun.

Doreen Troilo: So fun. It was so fun.

Denise McDonough: And I’ll start a conversation with my grandpa, Colin Jost, who is deep in throws of dementia.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, sorry.

Doreen Troilo: This is why I can’t decide. I’m paralyzed Colin Jost. We brought you hogies. We brought you hogies.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Thank you for the hogies. Are you going to watch the debate tomorrow night?

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, I’ll probably put on after Halloween Wars.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Oh, that show is my favorite. They do pumpkins and candy.

Doreen Troilo: They do chocolate work and bacon in pumpkins. They all work together to make something really creepy.

Denise McDonough: Why can’t our country be like Halloween Wars? We are creepier together.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, so you’re voting for Hillary.

Denise McDonough: Umm..

Doreen Troilo: Probably right in the haters.

Colin Jost: Two undecided voters from suburban, Philadelphia, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Sarah Palin Endorsement Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

Male voice: Coming up next, we go to a rally in Iowa where Donald Trump is about to receive a high profile endorsement.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I am so honored to introduce my guest today. She’s great. Of course she’s great. She is endorsing me, alright? Ladies and gentlemen, governor Sarah Palin.

[cheers and applause]

[Sarah Palin walks in]

Sarah Palin: Thank you, Iowa. I wanted to take a break from my full time career of writing things on Facebook to fly down her and lend my support to the next president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Hey, America. Isn’t she great? Just the total package. Smart, legs, yelling, everything. I haven’t seen a woman this impressive since Jeb Bush.

Sarah Palin: I’m here because we Americans are struggling. So many of us have lost our jobs at the factory or reality shows about Alaska. We’ve seen our own children targeted by the police for no reason other than they committed some crimes. We turn on the news every morning and are shocked to see we’re not even on it because we’ve been replaced by immigrants like Geraldo Rivera.

Donald Trump: She is fun. She just says whatever she wants. It’s like her mouth starts driving before her brain gets in the car.

Sarah Palin: I’m here for all you teachers and teensters. You farmers and charmers. Whether you’re a mom or two broke girls, or three men and a baby, or a rock n’ roller, holy roller, push and stroller, proboller with a f-sas moller.

Donald Trump: She’s a fire cracker. She’s a real pistol. She’s crazy, isn’t she?

Sarah Palin: Tak-tak-tak-tak-tak-tak is what the mainstream media is spinning. Hazard spinning. They say Trump and his Trumpeters are right winging, bear clinging, proud clingers of our guns, but he can kick ISIS ass because he commands fire.

Donald Trump: I hope nobody is allergic to nuts coz we got a big one here. She’s too Corinthian sort of a bible. And as mirror does everything she says, some kind of dirty.

Sarah Palin: Our president is just bending over for ISIS while crony capitalists are sucking off the teeth and slurping off the gravy train and congress is just working the balls.

Donald Trump: You see what I mean? And I love dirty stuff. I really do but this is too blue even for me. Dear god! She’s still talking.

Sarah Palin: They stomp on our Knicks and say, “What’s the big deal? Take a chill pill gel.” But we are mad, we’ve been had and we’re not so glad “The lorax”.

Donald Trump: She sounds like a greeting card from a Chinese dollar store. Am I supposed to be learning something from this? This is like a Scrooge situation coz I’m not buying it. I’m richer than Scrooge, ghosts love me and I would never give my goose to a Tiny Tim type. Give me a break.

Sarah Palin: Thank you Iowa. God bless some of United States of America.

[Donald Trump takes the podium]

Donald Trump: Thank you Sarah. You know, a new poll says I’m up by 11%. This is really happening, people.

Sarah Palin: Guess what America. I don’t really think this guy should be president. I’m just here coz he promised me a spot in his cabinet and I belong in a cabinet coz I’m full spice and I got a great rack.

Donald Trump and Sarah Palin: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Activists are upset that the navy has named a new combat ship after president Andrew Jackson saying he was pro slavery. Yeah, but so were ships.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The PBS series ‘Finding Your Roots’ has discovered that Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly are actually distant cousins, having descended from the same ancestor a screaming potato!

[Picture changes to a Christmas Tree]

You know, this holiday season there’s a lot to be thankful for. But I’m thankful for one individual in particular and his name is Martin Shkreli. [Picture changes to Martin Shkreli.] Shkreli is that guy who hyked up the price of an HIV drug by 5000%, and this week he was arrested for scamming investors in a multi million dollar ponzi scheme. Okay, first of all, congratulations on reinventing yourself, Martin. You know, not many villains have a whole second evil career. I mean it’s not like [Picture changes to Mussolini] Mussolini also started Draft Kings. And I gotta say, it’s really hard to be the most hated man in both finance and the pharmaceutical industry. I mean, that’s like being a lead singer of Nickle Back and Smash Mouth.

Guys, Martin Shkreli is a real life Grinch. And you know what? Maybe one day his heart will grow three sizes too big. And then we’re gonna be there for him… to jack up his heart medicine by 5000%.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a Christmas tree at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 96 foot tall Christmas tree in California was destroyed when it was engulfed in flames. Authority suspect arson and are on a lookout for this suspect. [Picture changes to nine branch menorah]

[Picture changes to Kwanzah candle stand]

You know, next Saturday is the holiday of Kwanzah, and if you’re unfamiliar Kwanzah is an African American holiday that’s only celebrated by Rachel Dolezal and McDonalds. Black people do not celebrate Kwanzah.

[Picture changes to a calendar of month December of 2015.]

It starts on December 26th. You can’t follow Christmas with a worst Christmas. That’s like if at the end of a Beyonce concert she goes, “And ladies and gentlemen, Fergie.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Star Wars logo and a church at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A church in Germany will host a Star Wars themed service on Sunday that will highlight the parallels between scripture and the films. And if you haven’t been to church in a while, spoiler alert, god is Jesus’s father. Spoiler!

[Cut to Michael Che laughing. There is a picture of monkeys at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Zoo keepers in England are searching for a monkey that escaped from enclosure after being bullied and losing a fight with other monkeys. Officials say that monkey is white and grey, timid and answers to the name Jeb.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Well it’s the Christmas show tonight, and we’ve got a little something special for you guys.

Michael Che: Yes, here to tell our last two jokes of 2015, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler slide in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Tina Fey: There we go. Last two jokes of 2015. Parents in Connecticut were upset after an elementary school teacher had students in her class change the lyrics of Silent Night from Holy Night to Solstice Night. Worse, she changed the name Virgin Mary to Over The Jeans Mary.

[Cut to Amy Poehler. There’s a picture of handcuffed hands at right top corner.]

Amy Poehler: New York City police said that this year’s sex crimes on the subway such as groping and flashing have jumped nearly 20%. What can I say? I had a good year.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler]

Tina Fey: Hope you have a Happy New Year.

Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: And I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Monologue

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Thank you. I’m so happy to be back home hosting Saturday Night Live.

Amy Poehler: Sorry, we’ve been…

Tina Fey: Together for…

Amy Poehler: The past two months non stop…

Tina Fey: We’re at the point where we’re…

Amy Poehler: Finishing each other’s centi…

Tina Fey: Pedes.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Human centipedes. It’s our favorite Christmas movie.

Tina Fey: We have been friends for like… 20 years.

Amy Poehler: [cross talk] Six years.

Tina Fey: I’ve liked her longer. But here is a picture of us when we were young improvisers back in Chicago.

[Cut to an old picture of young Tina Fey and Amy Poehler]

So young and so sweaty.

Amy Poehler: And we’re like sisters which made it very easy for us to play sisters in our new movie Star Wars.

Tina Fey: And, like sisters, we are totally bonded but very different.

Amy Poehler: For example, I’ve kind of liked things that are more modern and fun.

Tina Fey: And I am extremely traditional and dangerously religious.

Amy Poehler: But two things we both love are Christmas and making money off of original Christmas songs.

Tina Fey: So, to showcase our different flavors, we wrote this original Christmas song. Hit it, Amy!

[music playing. It sounds like a happy song.]

Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

I’m wrapping up my heart for you.

Merry Christmas baby

make my Christmas dream come true

Santa shouldn’t bother

coz I don’t need any other

besides my Christmas baby

baby, that’s you

[music changes. It is a lot slower now.]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas babies,

Harriet has said how you must die

doctor swaddled babies

hide them in the hay and cry

the rest shall come today

from the centurion god

for the taxation level

upon them is one most foul and dear

Amy Poehler: It is so important. Tina, you’re nailing it.

[music changes to the happy one again. Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Amy Poehler dancing.]

Merry Christmas baby

no need to get a present for me

Merry Christmas baby

you’re all I want beneath that tree

[music changes to slower again.]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas Yezu

[Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Tina Fey by holding candles and standing behind her with their eyes closed.]

born on to summaria‎ 

from the town of Piershiva

to the Yamak river deep.

glory, glory, glory

sons of Abraham

watching on our souls 

with a herd of sacred lamb

Ladies and gentlemen, the SNL’s gaymen’s chorus.

[music changes to the happy one again. Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Amy Poehler dancing.]

Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

I know we’ll have a jolly night

Merry Christmas baby

all I want is you to hold me tight

[music changes to slower again.]

Tina Fey: For the Romans are cruel

and the Pharisees are worse

This is so fun. This is why it works. She is the peanut butter in my salami.

Amy Poehler: Not really a combo.

Tina Fey: It is in my mouth. This is so– you wanna switch for a minute?

Amy Poehler: Sure. Not really.

[happy music playing]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas baby

gonna stop all things on you

Merry Christmas baby

coz I love you baby, that is true

[music changes to slower again.]

Amy Poehler: Wise men have to send in

from Ishyalal Hasbas

That’s great stuff Tina but it might be a little dry on a tone.

Tina Fey: Well, then let’s do a mash up. You wanna put your salami on my peanut butter?

Amy Poehler: Wouldn’t be the first time.

[happy music playing]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

Virgin Mary was a special lady

Merry Christmas baby

Tina Fey: Whoo!

Amy Poehler: Whoo!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: We’ve got a great show tonight. Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Special Offer

Chad Douglas… Taran Killam

Victoria Douglas… Vanessa Bayer

Lola Fabre… Maya Rudolph

Gloria Wallace… Amy Poehler

Angie Francis… Tina Fey

[Starts with a disclaimer]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria sitting in front of their chimney]

Chad Douglas: Hello. I’m Chad Douglas.

Victoria: And I’m Victoria Douglas.

Chad Douglas: For those of you who don’t remember, my wife and I had a hit variety show back in the 70s. It was called the Chad and Mrs. Douglas show.

Victoria: We loved doing that show and we extra loved hand picking some of our favorite Christmas moments to share with you this holiday season.

Chad Douglas: Here’s the magnificent Lola Fabre , singing the 12 days of Christmas after putting 12 shots of rum in her eggnog.

[Cut to Lola.]

[music is playing]

Lola: Ho, ho, ho.

[singing] On the first day of Christmas [mumbling] looking to me
[mumbling] three
On the third day of Christmas [mumbling] looking to me
three to the da-do-dum-three other things
and the [mumbling]

[Lola throwing the presents to the kids]

Wow! That’s a lot of words. Here, have some gifts, children. Here you go young man. [passing the present to a girl]

Here’s something for your junior.

Oh, I love children. They are the future.

[pulling out a present] Alright, here we go.

[singing] On the other day of Christmas [mumbling] to me

a rum and [mumbling]

[shouts and throws a present out]

Wow! Miss Fabre is going up on the lyrics. All to do props and words at the same time kids. Keep it together Lola. Five, six, seven, eight.

[dancing slightly]

Fabre, Fabre, alright
back on track on
five onion rings
four twizzle zees
three throng dos
two two-two-two
five or six or twelve this song

Change! Bye, bye.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, Lola came on our show many, many times. And let me tell you, that’s the best she ever did.

Victoria: Lola was a gifted mess of a woman.

Chad Douglas: Our next clip features a famous disco diva and party girl named Gloria Wallace. And boy, she liked the white stuff.

Victoria: Oh, you mean cocaine?

Chad Douglas: Please sweetheart, be cool.

[Cut to Gloria dancing with other backup dancers.]

[music playing]

Gloria: Come on, come on, come on, come on.

The intro is chill on! The intro is chill on! Let’s get it. Go, move faster, faster. Alright! Johnny has more right? Let’s go. Let’s go.

[singing] All the river outside is dreadful

come to the end, let us know, let us know, let us know

Ay! Let’s go. It’s time to get Johnny on the phone. Somebody call him. I wanna go to good club. I wanna get a steak sandwich. [Gloria is sucking cocaine with a vacuum cleaner.] But I never wanna eat it. Come on now! I have lot of ideas! I’m gonna go tell somebody.

[Gloria runs through the background poster.]

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: I just wanna say we all miss Gloria. Remember the way wear your seat belt.

Victoria: And remember to close your car door while you’re driving.

Chad Douglas: This next clip was always the number one favorite for me and my wife.

Victoria: Oh! Wife.

Chad Douglas: Not a compliment honey. It’s just what you are.

Victoria: Still, it’s sweet.

Chad Douglas: Uh-huh. Speaking of sweet, please enjoy this next clip starring the beautiful, young Angie Francis, and a special guest, it’s a real treat.

[Cut to Angie sitting and drinking wine.]

[music playing]

Angie: [singing] I really can’t stay.

[Cut to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson: But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Gotta go away.

OJ Simpson:But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Say what’s in this drink.

OJ Simpson: Oh, that is like a vitamin for when you bombed out about your career, all this to make you smile and help you reach your goal.

Angie: Yeah. Something’s up with that.

[Angie hands over the glass of wine to OJ Simpson and walks away]

OJ Simpson: No, no, wait. I wanna show you my penis.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, now that I’ve seen these clips, all we really have are three very short awful things.

Victoria: Maybe that’s why the DVD is this big. [showing a tiny disc]

Chad Douglas: It still would make a great gift for somebody.

Victoria: Yeah, probably, but all the moments are in the commercial.

Chad Douglas: What are you dong? Don’t tell them that.

[The End]

Meet Your Second Wife

Brian… Bobby Moynihan

Steve … Taran Killam

Toby … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Helen Walsh… Amy Poehler

Samantha… Vanessa Bayer

Elane… Aidy Bryant

Diana… Leslie Jones

Alicia… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video shot of Brian smiling at the camera]

Male voice: He’s a professor from Alexandria, Virginia.

[Cut to Steve]

He is a software engineer from Palo Alto, California.

[Cut to Toby]

And he’s a financial analyst in Boston, Massachusetts.

[Cut to Brian, Steve and Toby]

They may not know it yet, but they’re all guests of America’s favorite new show,

[Cut to the show set. There are two ladies hosting and the three contestants.]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Hello and welcome to Meet Your Second Wife.

Helen: We’re your hosts. I am Helen Walsh.

Tina: And I am Tina Fey

Helen: And this is the only show where happily married men get a chance to meet the person who will one day become their second wife.

Tina: You guys excited?

[Cut to the contestants looking confused]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! Let’s meet our first contestant. Bryan from Alexandria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Wait, I’m sorry, what is this show now?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’ll see. Now, I understand your lovely wife Samantha is in the audience today.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Yay! Brian.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: She seems great… for now.

Helen: But Brian, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to the stage. A young girl walks in.]

Brian, this is Hannah.

[Cut to Brian. He looks shocked and angry.]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Hannah is currently an 8 grade student at Welington Middle School but one day years in the future, she will be your second wife.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s impossible. I love my wife. She supported me while I’ve been writing my novels. So…

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: But what if I told you in a few years, one of your novels becomes a surprise best seller and even optioned for a movie?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, yeah. The yeah, I get it now.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Do you have any questions for your second wife, Brian?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, sure. Hi, what kind of things are you interested in?

[Cut to the girl]

Girl: Horses.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Horses. Yeah. Horses are cool.

[Cut to Samantha looking confused and worried.]

[Cut to Brian]

Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you again in 20 years. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Actually, it’s seven. Next is Steve from Palo Alto.

[Cut to Steve]

Helen: Excited to be here Steve?

Steve: Um, I was before but now I’m not.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! I understand that your wife Elane is here also.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I thought this was a home makeover show.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: In a way, it is.

Helen: Okay Steve, lets meet your second wife.

[a small girl enters the set]

This is Stacey.

[Cut to Steve looking very concerned]

Steve: Oh, no!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: How many years old are you, Stacey?

[Cut to Stacey. She shows her five fingers.]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: That is five fingers. I believe she is trying to say she’s five.

Helen: Well, Stacey may still be learning her numbers but one day she will be your second wife.

Tina: What’s gonna happen is, Stacey will apply for an internship at your company…

Helen: Which she will hear about from a college roommate who is also, you guessed, your daughter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: I mean, that’s kind of nice, right? At least then my daughter and she can stay friends.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Oh yeah. Your daughter is gonna love it.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, I’m sorry, this is ridiculous. I am not leaving Elane.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’re right. You won’t. Sadly, Elane will pass away in a tragic kayaking accident.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: What?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Sorry Elane, we don’t make the future. We just know it.

Tina: Next up, we’ve got Toby from Boston.

[Cut to Toby]

Helen: And Toby, you’re here tonight with your wife of 20 years, Diana.

Toby: That’s right. Hey baby.

[Cut to Diana looking angry in the audience]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Okay. Toby, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: [eyes closed and fingers crossed] Don’t be white. Don’t be white. Don’t be white.

[A good looking lady walks in]

Oh, son of a– [looking happy]

[Cut to Diana]

Diana: You a dead man, Toby.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Toby, this is Alicia. [Cut to Alicia] She is currently a sophomore at Wreckers.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Well, that’s not that bad. I mean, the other ones were younger, right?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Slow down. See, Alicia has a serious boyfriend. And she just found out that she is three months’ pregnant with your guess it, your second wife.

Tina: Let’s show Toby the sonogram.

[Cut to a baby’s sonogram picture.]

Helen: Already a beauty.

[Cut to Diana looking fierce]

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Um, quick question. Does the show provide an overnight lodge where I can stay indefinitely?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: No. But all today’s contestants are going home with a fabolous prize, [looking at the card] oh, a new Kayak.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I know I shouldn’t but they’re so fun.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Well, that’s all the time we hav.

Helen: Join us next time on…

[Cut to the stage]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[The End]

Dope Squad

Trisa Hogan… Aidy Bryant

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with promotion interview of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for a movie.]

Trisa Hogan: Hi ladies. I’m Trisa Hogan for Pop News Daily After Show Podcast .Jpeg.

Tina Fey: Hi there.

Amy Poehler: Hi.

Trisa Hogan: You know, you got movies, television, kids. How do you juggle it all?

Amy Poehler: You know, we just have a great squad of people who help us out.

Trisa Hogan: Oh yeah, squad! Models and stars.

Tina Fey: No! It’s not like that. You wanna know what it’s like? Then shut the hell up and listen.

[music playing]

[Cut to movie Tina & Amy’s Dope Squad intro. It’s showing females with arms and weapons.]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: [singing] We’ve gotta deep dope squad
it takes our daily job
we got the best ladies
we’ve been told that we roll deep, hey!

The woman at the diner
who always knows my order
my mammogram technician
dude who returned my wallet in taxi

There’s our gynecologist
our real life gynecologist
we share a gynecologist
she’s a huge part of the squad

Trisa Hogan: I think I get what you guys are saying. It’s like…

[rapping] A queen ain’t a queen just for sitting up front
she needs a whole damn crew, she can’t do it alone
it’s a healthy mix of friends and assistant
offering support and taking care of business
it can be M.I.A. from the P.T.A.
coz you’re picking up Leche from Trader Jose’s
slice in two duet with a samurai
all the while dealing with U.T.I.

So, you guys are like, so, so, down to earth.

Tina Fey: No.don’t misunderstand bitch.

Amy Poehler: Our squad is veritable, who’s who.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: We hanging with Gayle King
Robert Downey Sr.
You’ve heard of Amy Schumer

Tina Fey: Well I did her show so she owes me one

Amy Poehler: Favor!

Amy Schumer: Wait, is this not a charity thing?

Tina Fey: In a way.

Amy Poehler: Sort of.

Tina Fey: You know what? Let’s just do a slow motion post apocalyptic walk.

Amy Schumer: Okay.

[Amy starts showing funny moves]

Wait, who are we mad at?

All: We’ve got a dope squad
It takes care of our job
we got the best ladies
we’ve been told that we will do it!

[Scene where Trisa Hogan, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Amy Schumer are walking side by side and there’s an explosion at the back.]

Amy Schumer: Oh, my god!

Tina Fey: Guys, you cannot just trigger an explosion and not tell people.

Amy Poehler: It’s a different world now, guys!

Tina Fey: Trisa Hogan0 times! Trisa Hogan0 times.

Amy Poehler: Okay, everyone alright?

Amy Schumer: No. No, I’m suing everyone here.

Trisa Hogan: Okay.

[The End]

Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi

Betty… Amy Poehler

Jodi… Maya Rudolph

Caren… Tina Fey

[Starts with Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi intro]

[cheers and applause]

Betty: Hello. Hi, hi, hi. Welcome to Bronx Beat. I’m Betty.

Jodi: I’m Jodi, you know that.

Betty: Yes, hello, hello. Welcome to our Christmas episode. Cheers to Christmas.

Jodi: Cheers to Christmas. Here you go. Cheers friend. Wait a minute, you put alcohol in this eggnog?

Betty: Of course, what do you think?

Jodi: I’m not having any, coz you know what? I gotta drive.

Betty: We all gotta drive. What? Everyone’s driving. We’re all gonna drive. So, it’s Christmas but not that you would know it coz every time you turn on your TV, what do you see? Bad news.

Jodi: Bad news. Gloom and doom. I’m sick of it. So stupid. It’s Christmas. Give me a break.

Betty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more bad news.

Jodi: Thank you. Yeah, it’s Christmas. You think Santa comes down your chimney? It’s ISIS.

Betty: I-yay-ISIS. Okay? ISIS. Enough! Take a day off. Go! Take a nap. Go for a walk. Do something nice. Go see a movie.

Jodi: Yea! Go see Star Wars.

Betty: Oh, my god! Enough! Enough. No. I don’t wanna watch Star Wars okay? May the force give me a break already. I’m saturated. Everywhere you look, it’s Star Wars and yogurts and soups and busters and backpacks and candy bars and soup.

Jodi: You know what? Not for me. Too many laser and blip bloops, it’s exhausting. Grow up.

Betty: There’s a giant talking dog in that movie. So dumb.

Jodi: Yeah, that’s why they call it a wookie.

Betty: A wookie. And his name is Chewy. You know what? I’m through-wy with Chewy.

Jodi: Yeah. Coz he’s a wookie.

Betty: A wookie?

Jodi: What the hell is a wookie?

Betty: A dog man that flies in plane. Pass!

Jodi: You know how they say. I’m sick of Star Wars and wookie? [starts gargling]

Betty: The only thing about space I’m more interested in is more counter space.

Jodi: Thank you.

Betty: Because my dumb husband takes it up will all those neutro-bullet.

Jodi: Ah! So dumb.

Betty: Makes these shapes.

Jodi: Shapes are dumb. My dumb husband. We’re laying in bed and he’s farting in asleep. And I’m blaming it on the dog. Dog looks at me and says, “Uh-uh, it’s that guy!”

Betty: Husbands are so dumb.

Jodi: [sobbing] But I love him. Farts and all. He farts like a dog but he makes love to me so gently. And we made four children.

Betty: Alright! Jodi, really, relax.

Jodi: I’m fine. I’m fine. Anyway, who cares? The three of our guests, who is it?

Betty: Alright. We know it wasn’t available coz of holiday, so I got my cousin Caren from Philly.

Jodi: Oh right, cousin Caren. I like her. She’s cute.

Betty: Yeah, she’s cute, right? She’s bring some warm home made Christmas ornaments. She’s gonna show it to us. She sells them on etzy whatever.

Jodi: Come on in.

Betty: Come on Caren. Hurry up now.

[Caren walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Okay, good to see you Caren. How are things in Philly?

Caren: Yeah, okay. I just got on clearing dead boy out of my yard. And maybe gang stuff, the take down is sure. My son Dave just started Roxy. How are yous?

Jodi: Oh, my god. Caren. I forgot what a beautiful accent you have. You sound fancy.

Betty: So classy.

Caren: Get out! Don’t be stupid.

Betty: I have always, always been jealous of that accent.

Jodi: I wish I had an accent.

Betty: Me too. I talk so boring. Okay, say things in Philly. Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Water!

Jodi: What’s she saying?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water. Yeah, water.

Jodi: So beautiful.

Betty: It’s like Downtown Abby.

Jodi: You talk like a beautiful fairy.

Betty: Yeah. So, what’s new in Philly?

Caren: Well, you know. My brother Dave and his friend Dave and their other friend Dave saw a guy beat a salvation army staying with an old car battery in a wild-wild parking lot. Philly is a war zone.

Betty: Okay. Caren, we don’t want anymore bad news.

Jodi: We are sick of bad news, Caren.

Caren: Okay, well this is kind of good news. On the other day, serial killer killed another serial killer in front of the liberty bell. So, that’s two less serial killers. In Philly, we call that a Christmas miracle.

Betty: You know what? The world has gone coo-coo. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore. I go straight to wine.

Jodi: Yeah! I mean, come on! Seriously people, it’s Christmas. And it’s crazy. The traffic, [sobbing] I couldn’t get anywhere.

Betty: She’s crying about the traffic.

Jodi: The taxi driver, fair and a half just for going off a block. So stupid street!

Betty: Jodi. Why are you crying over traffic? Are you okay? You having crazy mood swings.

Jodi: Fine!

Caren: Do you want some water?

Jodi: Some what? Warder?

Betty: Hang on. I’m like Colombo over here. Look, you’re not drinking, your moods are all over the place.

Jodi: I’m fine.

Betty: Oh, my god. My gut is telling me something. Please tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Jodi: You’re wrong. I’m pregnant. Ah! I have an eighteen year old going to the University of Marilyn and I have this ghost shop for a crib after this show.

Caren: Jodi, what a terrible news.

Betty: Terrible! Terrible news. But babies are a blessing.

Jodi: Babies are a blessing. I know. I love babies. And I love you guys. Merry Christmas.

Betty: I’m so happy for you. But let me tell you something. If I was pregnant, I would kill myself. Alright, we’re almost out of time. And I just realized, we never really looked at your ornaments, Caren.

Caren: Oh, okay. Yeah, here’s one. [Caren pulls out a instant noodle cup hung opposite to a thread.] I gotta be honest with you. They’re not great.

Betty: No, not at all.

Jodi: No, they are not.

Betty: They are not great. Don’t quit your day job.

Jodi: Yeah, just put it back int he box.

Betty: Put it back in the box. It’s offending me. Alright, so, Merry Christmas.

Jodi: Merry Christmas everybody. I gotta go. I gotta go get a crib.

[The End]