The guy… Alex Moffat[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Oh, baby– This is what this is, oh god. Oh baby, do you know what next week is? Hint, it’s my favorite. THat’s right, it’s Halloween. Here with his Halloween tips is Guy who just bought a boat.[The guy slides in]
The guy: Trick or treat, smell my meat, give me somewhere good to skeet. Ha-ha. Thanks for having me, Col-dren Ghost. It is really ‘grave’ to be here.
Colin Jost: Who are you? The Crypt Keeper?
The guy: Ha-ha. Any-hay-ride, here’s how to treat your trick to a scary good all hallows beeve. It’s all about the spooky getaway to set the mood. Take it from Weeknd Update and take a weekend up state. Do some leaf peeps, and the panties will be just like the foliage, dropping. Ha-ha. Or take her wine tasting and you’ll find out why they call them finger legs. Buckle up. Either way, play your cards tight and you’ll be like cinnamon inside her. I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk spooktacular mack-tivities that will lead to love potion 69. If you don’t want to jack your own lantern, here’s how to make sure you don’t end up like the horseman headless. Fellas, to increase your fellash ratche, put in the eff and track down a quality hau-ho. That’s haunted house in laying-man terms. Or take her to as the native amaze mage would say an amaze maise mage.
Colin Jost: Can I leave?
The guy: Not yet, pal. You’ll spend few hours bobbing for apples, just flailing around, teeth first, not getting anywhere. And eventually, she’ll tap you on the head and she’ll say, “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself when you leave.”
Colin Jost: Are you still talking about a corn maze?
The guy: And if you’re heading to the pumpkin patch, no need to wait all night. This great pumpkin comes immediately.
Colin Jost: Alright. Can you just wrap it up?
The guy: I mean, I can, but I don’t. What? They slide right off. It’s slender, man. Cool. Now, let’s talk stumes, comma-co, comma-ca. I myself am a masquerade connoiseur.
Colin Jost: Really? That is surprising.
The guy: Ay, who’s got thee thumbs and loves costumes? [pointing at himself] This guy.
Colin Jost: Three? Oh my god.
The guy: Col, all that barely there, derrier-bearing scary wear is skimply amazing. And ladies, thank you. Muchas gracias for the generous erect deposit into my banko-spanko. Those memories will blast a lifetime and make my ghost bust.
Colin Jost: Your ghost?
The guy: Ah, it’s basically invisible. What can I say? Busting makes me feel good. And it makes her say, “Wait, already? Your belt’s still buckled.”
Colin Jost: Alright. I think that’s enough.
The guy: Wait, wait. I have one more just the tip for the boys. Remember, getting the right candy can lead to a tight handy. If you want to get betwixt the milky ways of a sweetheart, avoid the smarties and nerds and find yourselves some airheads, Colly Rancher. I like an almond joy, nuts on top.
Colin Jost: Were you in like, a horrific accident?
The guy: And soon, you’ll be asking her the quintessential ques, butt her finger?
Colin Jost: Those are the options?
The guy: But fellas, before the party, take her down to the marina and she’ll be saying “witchcraft”? I have a boat, Colin!
Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat!
The guy: It’s got dry rot.
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.