Weekend Update- Republicans to Block January 6 Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 22 at left top corner.]

Well, it’s our last Weekend Update and I have to say, I think that the country is in a better place than when we started this season. I think. In September there were headlines like, “Will the president destroy democracy?” And now I’m seeing headlines like “Will this be the most turnt-ass summer ever?”

[Picture changes to Capitol riot]

And who can forget that time when the president tried to murder congress? Apparently, congress can, since the senate is likely to block a bipartisan investigation into the capitol riot. Thanks to opposition from Mitch McConnell seen here at the demolition at the children’s hospital.

Republicans just want to forget the riots ever happened and focus on the future of their party and future of their party is of course… [Picture changes to Matt Gaetz] Yikes! It was reported that federal authority’s investigating sex trafficking accusations against Matt Gaetz have secure the cooperation of his ex girlfriend. But not until after her prom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In the wake of the seize fire agreement between Israel and Hamas, insiders praise president Biden’s light touch when dealing with Benjamin Netanyahu. But in fairness, everything Biden does involves some kind of touch.

[Picture changes to Andrew Giuliani]

Andrew Giuliani who is the child of Rudy Giuliani and I’m going to say Gary Busey announced that he’s running for governor of New York and claimed he spent five decades in politics despite the fact he’s only 35 yers old. I didn’t know you can get a brain damage when your father drinks during the pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden driving a truck at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden test drove in all electric F-150 pickup truck at a plant in Michigan and you’re probably thinking, “Ha-ha, he’s old. I bet he drives slow.” Well, watch this.

[Cut to a video of a truck being driven fast]
[cut back to Colin Jost]

Jesus, Joe. I’m not going to lie, that made me think we were about to have our first female president. I mean the last time a guy his age drove that fast, he traveled into the future.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, New York city lifted many of its restrictions with restaurants and salons able to return to Colin Jost00% capacity. While New York state– [cheers] Yeah, that’s great.  New York state nursing homes will remain at 900%. New York city gyms will also return to full capacity, though they still recommend social distancing from that old guy powdering his balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that North Korea has banned it’s citizens from having mullets or wearing skinny jeans. And yet, another attempt to cancel Morgan Wallen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of logos of tinder, okcupid and hinge logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House announced that several dating apps including tinder, okcupid and Hinge are launching a new feature that will let people show their vaccination status. But you can’t believe everything you see on a dating app. I mean, my tinder profile says I’m a white architect named Craig.

Weekend Update- Rocket Crashes to Earth

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a rocket at left top corner.]

I don’t know if you guys were following the news today, but a space rocket that was spinning out of control just minutes ago crashed into the ocean. And for once, we know, it’s not Elon’s fault. [Picture changes to Elon Musk hosing SNL monologue.] A lot of people have been wondering, “Why is he hosting our show?” And now we know, it’s because he needed an Alibi.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos’s rocket company ‘Blue Origin’ is auctioning off one seat on a first flight of its passenger rocket. Wow. Why are all these rich white people trying to go to space? Look, if there’s any Martian watching this, when you see a bunch of foreign ships pull up on your land, take it from a black dude, don’t get on them. Unless you want to be the martian with the last name ‘Washington’.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Prominent white nationalists posting manifestos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A prominent white nationalist has begun posting manifestos online. I’m sorry, that was the sub-headline. The headline was “Donald Trump launched new blog”. That’s right. Disgraced fast food spokesman Donald Trump has launched a website called ‘From the desk of Donald J. Trump’. Though more accurate name would be ‘From the brain fog of long-haul covid’.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

I don’t understand why the republican party is still betting their entire future on Trump. He turns 75 next month. It’s like getting your family an old dog and saying, “Hey, kids, invest all your emotions in this.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida governor Ron DeSantis who played the short bully in “A Christmas Story” signed new restrictive voting laws that limits the locations of drop boxes and new requirements for voting my mail. Wow. Since when does Florida care so much about the law? Last time I was in Florida, I saw a lady lighting fireworks  with a crack pipe. Worst gender reveal ever!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Evangelicals hesitant about vaccine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that one of the biggest obstacles to hurt immunity is that many white evangelical christians are refusing the vaccine. And look, evangelical christians, I know you guys want to get into heaven, but it’s not a race.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “CVS responsible for half of unused vaccines”]

A report also shows that CVS is responsible for half of all unused vaccine shots in the nation. CVS is also responsible for half of the nation’s room temperature white claw. I guess that we should have expected top-notch inventory management from the store that that’s still trying to unload Halloween candy in March.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kamala Harris will become the first vice president to be featured as a wax figure at Madame Tussauds wax museum. Well, Joe Biden is the first wax figure to become the president.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Verizon, Aol and yahoo! logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Verison will sell Aol and yahoo!, I assume to the year 1998.

[picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced that the broadway could reopen in September 14th. Except for the new musical about Cuomo’s handling of the pandemic, “Nursinghoma!”

Weekend Update Ted Cruz Goes to Cancun

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This last Sunday was the first and hopefully only Valentines day of the pandemic. With more on this is relationship expert, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to see you, Pete. So, how was Valentine’s day?

Pete Davidson: Well, I’m sure not as good as your’s. Yeah, you’re the man. In some ways, I like the pandemic valentines because it’s the first time being alone wasn’t my fault. I spent the night eating chocolates and watching a movie with my mom. Which is why, I’m officially moving out of the house. I am. Yeah. One of us has to go. So, we were watching that Britney Spears documentary. But I had it turned it off when I realized my mom has way more of a case to take over my finances than Brithey’s dad ever did. I was like, “Wait, she could do that and she hasn’t? Doesn’t she love me?” All Britney did was shave her head. I got a life sized tattoo of the tutsy pop owl.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I heard you were moving some of your tattoos.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I saw a picture of myself without a shirt and I look like a toddler went to prison. Like, I look like I’m carrying a shiv, but only to poke open a capri sun.

Colin Jost: Alright. And so, you’re definitely moving out?

Pete Davidson: Yes, I have to. I have to. The thing is my mom is a lot like this show. Like, no matter what I do, I’m never asked to leave. Right? Also, they’re both really old and noticeably fatigued.

Colin Jost: I gotta ask, where are you going to move to?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m staying in Staten Island. I can’t afford Kennebunkport or Blabagansett or Pepperidge Farm, wherever you live now.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I live, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, wherever you live, I’m sure it has more boats than people.

Colin Jost: Come on, man. I grew up in Staten Island just like you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, well your grammar and lack of police record say otherwise.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you’re not gonna move anywhere expensive?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, that’s the problem. You see? Me and my mom bought that house together. So, for me to afford somewhere new, I’m gonna have to either like, fight Jake Paul or like, steal another one of Laurn’s paintings.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I remember when you stole the Rothko. But you’re kidding about the fighting, right?

Pete Davidson: Well, I mean, I could never fight Jake Paul because after it was over there would be no way of telling if either one of us got brain damage.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Watch Kenan on Tuesdays!

Digital Exclusive- Message to the Girls

Aiden… Aidy Bryant

Kurt… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video bumper]

Female voice: A message to the girls from the goys.

[Cut to two guys]

Aiden: What the hell is up, girls? It’s your boys, Aiden..

Kurt: And Kurt. Tonight is the best night of your life, Prom. Or at least it was.

Aiden: We should be in a hotel ball room right now making you feel like a queen.

Kurt: But unfortunately for cupid, prom got canceled coz of the Qdoba virus.

Aiden: Since we can’t be there to shower you in admirances, we thought we’d take you to prom in your fantasy.

Kurt: And tell you what would have gone down if we were there to put it down.

Aiden: 6 PM.

Kurt: Pictures. First up, I will show up 30 minutes early with my entire family.

Aiden: I will present you with a refrigerated corsage made entirely of 100% baby’s breath. That’s the breath of a baby, girl.

Kurt: I will rent a tux from a Halloween website.

Aiden: We can take 3,000 pictures next to your neighbor’s fancy shrub and my hands, they’re gonna sweat so much that the back of your dress is gonna change color, girl.

Kurt: 6:45.

Aiden: Limo time.

Kurt: I will pay for my whole portion of limo and half of your’s.

Aiden: I of course will sit front where there’s a seatbelt and I will chat with the driver. It seems like it would be hard to drive around the corners with the limo.

Kurt: 7:23.

Aiden: We enter the dance.

Kurt: You walk off to be with and talk to girls. I will be with my guys. Twice through the night, I will approach you and then leave.

Aiden: Mr. Chadman said we’d make a great pair. I don’t know if you’ve heard that but it’s actually something to think about.

Kurt: Our prom is at the Aviation Museum. I was actually on the committee to help select a theme. WWII.

Aiden: And ooh, girl. If we were at prom, we’d dance like this. [dancing]

Kurt: And like this.

Aiden: Probably some of this.

Kurt: And of course, this. [dabs]

Aiden: 10:15.

Kurt: Make out time. When it’s time to kiss, I’ll become distant and sweaty like a first time bank robber.

Aiden: I will have so many altoids throughout the night, you will feel my breath in your eyes.

Kurt: I will close my eyes and fully miss your mouth.

Aiden: I’ll start things off easy by sucking your tongue just the way you like it, girl.

Kurt: At the end of the night, I will pay my friend Chris to give me a hickey.

Aiden: I can’t wait to take you home, to your house. And then I of course will go to my house and explode.

Both: I love you, Brigitte.

Video message: To the graduating class of 2020, from all of us at SNL: Girl, you’re a queen.