Chance… Michael Longfellow

Vicki… Ego Nwodim

Alicia… Heidi Gardner

Tod… Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Ego and Heidi in their news set]

Ego: Good evening and welcome to WkTVN news.

Heidi: And later tonight, Baklava or Balaclava? A new study shows there’s a big difference between the two delicious treats.

Ego: I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. Let’s check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Harmstrong.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Thanks. Thanks, Vicki. And Alicia. I’m so thrilled to be joining the team. So right now I’m here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma’am, tell us what happened.

Cecily: Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed [frame showing an asian guy behind her as well] and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire. So I put 2 and 10 together and I said fire sir.

Chance: Right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why?

Cecily: I’m not sure exactly how sir. But I know 100% why. And I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin.

Chance: It was your cousin.

Cecily: Yes. And she is looking right at you now sir.

Amy: What? Oh, you taking a picture of me? No, you’re not. Not for free, you’re not. No.

Chance: Okay. Why are you so certain it was your cousin?

Cecily: She is mad because she wants to go with my husband, because look at him. [her husband is the asian guy they showed before]

Tod: This for TV?

Chance: Yes. This is the news, sir.

Tod: Oh, snap.

Chance: Okay, back to the fire.

Cecily: Yes, it’s a long story. But she is mad because she can’t get with him because he chose me and she’s my cousin.

Amy: Hey, keep saying stuff like that. I will set your house upon fire again.

Cecily: Hey, set my house on fire. I ain’t scared.

Amy: Okay.

Chance: Okay, all right. This was not as informative as I’d hoped. Quite a first day. Back to you. Vicki and Alicia.

Tod: Hey, come back to me. Take my picture. Look what I can do. [he climbs on the pole] Look what I can do. One hand, one hand, one hand.

Amy: Go Tod, go Tod. He’s showing up for me. I want to lay with you.

Tod: I said I can’t.

Chance: Well, there you have it. And I think we’re all done here. Vicki and Alicia.

[Molly walks in]

Molly: Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see the two them were cousins.

Chance: Yes. I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?

Molly: No, I do not. But sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look when I can do. [she leans backwards]

Chance: Okay, I don’t know what that is. And I’m not really here to look at tricks.

Amy: Hey, he ain’t even my cousin. He’s only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Tod.

Tod: Go home. No one wants to lay with you.

Amy: I bet you someone will.

Cecily: No, they won’t, because you ain’t got it like this. [Cecily flashes her breasts]

Amy: Like hell they don’t. [Amy flashes her breasts too]

Chance: Okay, no, this cannot. It’s literally my first day.

[Chance tries to walk away from them, but bumps into James.]

James: Oh sir, if I may. I can clear this up. 100%.

Chance: Just don’t say they’re cousins.

James: Exactly. They are cousins. also, look what I can do. [starts making silly noises]

Chance: Okay. Yeah. Now I’m unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I’m assuming no one wants to talk about the fire.

Marcello: Oh, I don’t know anything about that, sir. But look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Chance: That’s great. You’re very talented.

Amy: Listen, the real reason I am mad at her…. [snatches the mic] The real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life.

Cecily: What? Are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. Your homemade rice is worth. You make good French bread pizza. And I’m sorry that the years have seen us drift apart in terms of being cousins.

Amy: So now what?

Tod: A kiss makeup?

[They all lean to kiss each other]

Chance: No, no. Do not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day. And I’m assuming it’s my last. So in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Another Close Encounter

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Tod… Ryan Gosling

Rafferty… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Morris and Fitzsimmons interviewing three people]

Morris: Thank you all for coming on such a short notice. Once again, I’m agent Morris with the NSA and [pointing at Fitzsimmons] this is special agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are of great interest to the US government as you are the first and only people to have experienced two verified alien abductions.

Cecily: Man, this is nuts. Like, one minute, we are drinking beer in the Kohl’s parking lot. Now, we’re like cosmic curiosity.

Fitzsimmons: Indeed. Now, can you tell us how you were brought abroad the spacecraft?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank you for this bitchin hat. It fits my head perfect. And I love it.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Oh, well, we’re glad you like it.

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Cecily: And also to answer your question, sir, it was sort of this pathway made of golden light came down from the spaceship. And we were just like gently ushered in and like, floated up into it.

Tod: Yeah, we got up and– you know, we got up into the hsip and we saw the aliens, glowing beams made of beautiful light. They welcomed us back. It was amazing.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: I see. And you, miss Rafferty.

[Cut to Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Rafferty: Yea, cookie crumbled a little different for me over here. I wasn’t so much lifted by light as I was caught in a net. Little bastards set a snare for me. Next thing I know, I’m being winched straight up through the world’s sappiest pine tree. My slacks got snagged on a branch, so they are gone. And I’m hauled on board with my bush and mu tush hanging out. I see my old pals, the great aliens with the big, fat, stupid eyes and I’m hit with the realization, first time I’ve been on a second date since 2009.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Now, once aboard the ship, what happened?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, the aliens touched our foreheads. And I saw my whole life, even parts I haven’t even lived yet. In a lot of those parts, I was wearing this hat.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. It was as if through their touch, I understood the answer to that all-important question, “Why are we here.”

[Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty.]

Rafferty: [in a shock] What? These guys are tripping out at burning man. Meanwhile, I’m stranded at the fire festival. [Cut to Rafferty] I mean, I hadn’t been on board two minutes before the little Grays start tapping on my knockers. Keep in mind, I got no pants, so my tao and my chacco are out. And this one guy peeks around back and starts pointing at my butt like, “Whoa, how did we miss this?”

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Interesting. And how would you describe their demeanor?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Shoppers storming a Walmart on Black Friday. They were all dropping in, scrambling. A man shot my cheek meat like it’s pizza dough. Right? Some would knead for a bit, you know, and wait for another turn. I mean, if you’re coming back for seconds, that means dinner’s a hit, right?

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Yeah, I wonder if this was some sort of anatomical study.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Na, I don’t think any of these guys were working on the Master’s Thesis. Here’s what I think was happening. [Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty] You might help me out, Ted. Stand up.

[Tod stands]

Yeah, yeah, turn around. Thanks. [Tod turns. Rafferty starts grabbing Tod’s butts.] So, these guys don’t have butts. Regular butts. I don’t think they’re ever seen a crack before. So, my theory is, right, they thought I had like, broken into two pieces and they were trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. They were trying everything. I mean, they were pushing, they were slamming. They’d take one cheek, kind of jiggle it, and then poof! And they were making the sound the whole time like, [making noise]. One guy was trying to like, punch it back together like he was breaking in a catcher’s Mitt. Another one of these idiots was just like jamming his face. [Rafferty puts her face into Tod’s butt] Right in there, looking for the source of the tear. And I was like, “Hey, last guy who did that got double barrel pink eye.” Thanks Tod, you can sit down.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons] [cheers and applause]

Morris: How, how were you all returned to earth?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: We were led down a passage wave light cradled by what felt like a big fuzzy mitten. And it almost felt like I was like, god himself was playing with my hair. It was one of the most happiest moments of my life. Right up there with getting this hat.

Cecily: Tod, ease up on the hat. Um, but when the aliens left, I do remember like, feeling happy and safe. Because I know they would always be there, like, watch over me.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Alright, that really puts a bee in my beaver. I got pushed out a hatch to find out they let me out on top of the ship. So I got to scoot myself down cold metal to a jump spot. I free fall 20 feet down. I land ass on a pool raft with my pink pocket and my stink rocket on full display in the middle of Danny Randle’s pool party.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry. Who is Danny Randle?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Beats the hell out of me but he’s never going to forget his 12th birthday, I tell you that.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Alright, if you would come with us, we’d like to run some medical tests.

[Cut to all]

Rafferty: Just so you guys know, some of the bruises on my keister were there before the aliens got to it.


Daniel… Alex Moffat

Tod… Mikey Day

Melony… Emily Blunt

Cara… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Daniel and Tod in a hotel suite]

Daniel: Dude, I’m so nervous. Ah!

Tod: Dude, why? They’re escorts. We’re paying them to like us.

[door knocking]

Alright, they’re here. Let them in.

Daniel: Okay, yeah.

[Daniel opens the door. Two women walk in]

Melony: Well, hello. We’re dates from elegant evenings.

Cara: May we come in?

Daniel: Yes, of course. Come in.

Melony: Thank you.

Cara: Executive suite, impressive. You two must do well for yourselves.

Melony: Or their daddies do.

[Daniel and Tod laughing]

Daniel: Well.

Melony: Nice to meet you. What’s your name? Daniel?

Daniel: I’m Melony. Don’t forget to breathe, sweetie.

Cara: So that makes you Tod. I hope you like what you see.

Tod: Oh, I love what I see. You’re even sexier than your picture on the website.

Daniel: Yeah. Ah, listen, we’ve never actually done this before. So, like, what do we do first?

Melony: Well, first we have a little chat. As you know, elegant evenings provides high class ladies as such, there are some rules. First kissing. I will kiss but only with this amount of tongue.

[Melony takes little of her tongue out and shows it]

Cara: I allow kissing with full tongue but only on the cheek.

Tod: Alright. Good to know. Good to know.

Daniel: So, um, what now?

Melony: We’re not done. Certain laundry detergents cause me to break out into an itchy raged rash and so you will have to strip all the sheets off the bed and we’ll enjoy each other’s company on the bare mattress.

Daniel: Just a bare hotel mattress? Isn’t that a little gross?

Melony: It’s not nearly as gross as the rash, Daniel.

Cara: And Tod, um, we need to come up with the safe word.

Daniel: Oh, um, I think I can handle it. I don’t need a safe word.

Cara: Um, yeah, you do. I’m a powerful woman, understand? I mean, stand up.

Tod: Okay.

[Tod and Cara stand up next to each other. Cara is very tall.]

Cara: Just look at our size difference. I’m gonna rag doll you, man. It’s gonna be like a sneaker in a dryer.

Tod: Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let’s pick a safe word.

Cara: Good. Our safe word is, “I’m scared, please stop.”

Tod: Okay. Um, question. What if I want to role play?

Cara: That’s fine. But I can only role play Stewie from the Family Guy.

Tod: [laughing] Stewie from Family Guy is my only option?

Cara: Yeah. It’s the only voice I can do but I’m really good at it. [in deep voice] “Hello Bryan. Look at all these imbeciles.” What do you think? You want some Stewie tonight?

Tod: Yeah, let’s play it by ear.

Cara: Yeah.

Melony: And Daniel, if you want to role play, I only do Patty Pendri Gast.

Daniel: Oh, um, I don’t know who that is.

Melony: Oh, she is an original character. She’s a clumsy maid and she has a catch phrase, [in British accent] “Oopsie doopsie, I mufffed you up again.”

Daniel: Wow, that’s really creative.

Cara: Tod, I need to separate business from personal. So tonight, I will be wearing these Lindsey Vonn oakley alpines. [puts on a skiing goggles]

Tod: Okay, you’re gonna wear those the entire time?

Cara: Yes, sir. The clothes come off, these come on.

Melony: And Daniel, I have a vitamin D depletion disorder. I’m require an extreme sort of a mountain milk on a daily basis. So while we’re being intimate, I will take several sudden milk breaks. I’m telling you this now so that you’re not scared because I will scream something like, “Get off me you douche, I need milk.” And I will sort of consume milk frantically.

Daniel: Thanks for the heads up.

Tod: Yeah. Um, do you ladies mind if we just talk for a second?

Melony: Not at all.

Tod: Excellent. Thank you.

[Daniel and Tod walk to the corner of the room.]

Daniel: Dude, I wish some of these stuffs had been in the website?

Tod: I mean for $5,000 each, I just kind of wish it said like, “Only role play as a Stewie and is kind of bad at the voice.”

Daniel: Right. Or, “Will stop sex to chug milk.” I mean, you’re still into this?

Melony: House keeping. [Cut to Melony] Patty Pendri Gast at your service. [Melony falls down] [Cut to Daniel and Tod]

Daniel: Oh, man! That is so not a turn on.

[Cut to Melony]

Melony: Oopsie doopsie, I mufffed you up again.

[Cut to Cara. She is wearing oakley goggles and has Stewie costume ready.]

Cara: Bryan! Do you want Stewie to put this on now or later?

[Cut to Daniel and Tod]

Daniel: Well, we’ll make a good story.

Tod: Yeah. Alright. Let’s lose our virginities.

Daniel: Boom!

Match Finder

Emerald Mike Biskane… Kenan Thompson

Lisa G… Cecily Strong

Tod… Beck Bennett

Jason… Pete Davidson

Benedict…Russell Crowe

[Starts with TV channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Game Show Network. At 10, it’s White Jeopardy. But up now, it’s Match Finders.

[Cut to Match Finders intro] [Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Hello and welcome to Match Finders. I am your host Emerald Mike Biskane and I’m sorry I’m late but a teenager ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. Hope you got it to the crib, son. Let’s meet our lucky bachelorette.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Hi, Emerald.

Emerald: Her name is Lisa G. She’s 23 years old, and she’s a lot of fun.

Lisa: Oh, um, I’m actually 33. Not 23.

Emerald: You’re not that fun either. But I’m trying to sell a lifestyle here. So, let’s meet our eligible bachelors.

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod is an Instagram model with a glass eye.

Tod: Oh, I didn’t know you were going to read that out loud.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Jason is an electronic specialist at Bestbuy.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’ll hook you up and then I’ll hook up with you. Damn!

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: And Benedict is a “Smart professor from Germany”.

[Cut to Benedict smoking pipe]

Benedict: I was raised in a house full of women. So as you can imagine, I know my way around a woman’s body.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa nodding their heads]

Emerald: Alright. Lisa, why don’t you ask these bachelors the first question?

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay. I’m a girl that likes to be pampered. How would you make sure that I’ve had a good time in our first date?

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: I would take you to Treasure Bay Spa for massage. And then we’d go to a late dinner at Dorsia. And if things go well, you’d also be joining me for breakfast.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Ooh, I like that. Bachelor number two?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’d make you dinner at home and then we could watch a movie. Although if things go well, I’m not sure we’ll do much watching.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Hmm, I like the sound of that. Bachelor number three, how would you make sure that I have a good time?

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: [with accent] First, I would massage your labia majora. And then I would mount a shuttle yet focused campaign on your clitorus.

[Cut to Emerald looking surprised]

Emerald: Hah! Well there are no wrong answers in Match Finders, but damn, that was close.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: I’m sorry. Did someone already say that one?

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: No, they sure didn’t. [looking at Lisa] Go ahead, Lisa.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelors, I love to learn new things. Tell me something I don’t know.

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: You wouldn’t guess by looking at me, but I’m actually a pretty good dancer. [showing little of his moves] [Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: You wouldn’t get it by looking at it but the human vagina has three distinct holes. Urethra, vulva and of course, the anus hole.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: [yelling] Hey! what are you doing? This is a nice girl.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: As I said Emerald, I grew up the only boy in a house full of very old, old women.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That makes it worse.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number two, you didn’t answer the question.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yeah. I yield all my time to the gentleman with the ponytail.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Oh now, wait a minute son. You’re gonna have to be a little specific. There’s a two of us up here. Ha-ha-ha. [Emerald turns around and shows his tiny ponytail] Yeah.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number three, what would you do to make me feel special.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Oh, so you just gonna walk right into traffic. Oh!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: First, I would lay down on beach towel on top of the sheets so that you wouldn’t feel self conscious about–

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Emerald pressing buzzer sound in his phone]

Emerald: Yeah. Had to download a buzzer app on my phone.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay bachelors, what would you say is your biggest fear?

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod: A bee in my hat.

Jason: Um, ghosts.

Benedict: Getting throat cancer from conninglingus.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Huh, I like that. Explain.

Emerald: Dont!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: My doctor says if I munch one more box, if I scarf one more carpet, if I chew down on even just one more little doughnut, I will end up like Michael Douglas.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Michael Douglas is fine.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: No man is fine if you take way that what she loves.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That’s it. I’m calling it. Lisa, who do you pick?

Lisa: I guess the glass with the glass eye sounds hot.

Emerald: Glass eye it is. Well, I’m your host, Emerald Mike Biskane and this has been the dating game or Match Finder or whatever.

[The End]

King Henry VIII Hologram

Jon Rudnitsky

King Henry VIII… Russell Crowe

Tod… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Dana… Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jon showing the visitors around]

Jon: Henry VIII the experience. In a moment, an interactive hologram of his majesty will appear to answer your questions about his life and times. Without further due, his majesty.

[A hologram appears] [visitors clapping]

King Henry VIII: Loyal subjects, I am king Henry VIII. I am remembered today for taking six wives none of whom gave me a male heir. Ah! But there is so much more to learn. So, ask me what you will.

Tod: Wow, this is so cool. Um, okay, what did you eat back then?

King Henry VIII: In my time, nobles feasted on banquets of roasted meats washed down with hearty ales.

Tod: Oh, thank you your highness. Ha-ha. Um, babe, ask him a question.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how big was the castle?

[The king’s hologram stands up and walks to Vanessa]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son.

Vanessa: Bear you a song?

King Henry VIII: [yelling] Bear me a son!

Vanessa: Tod, why is he doing this?

Tod: I mean, it’s historically accurate.

King Henry VIII: The only sounds I wish to hear from a woman’s mouth are the screams of labour as you bear me a son.

Vanessa: He’s spitting when he talks and there’s like hologram spit.

Tod: Wow. Technology, huh? You know, the next thing you now, we’ll be able to watch a movie on our phone.

Vanessa: Ah, Tod, you can already do that. Come on!

[Tod and Vanessa walk away]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son or I’ll have your head!

[Dana and Taran walk in front of King Henry VIII]

Dana: My king, what was your relationship with Spain like?

King Henry VIII: Complicated. Bear me a son. Bear me a son, but bath first. You have a stench.

Dana: Urgh! This hologram is a pig. I’m going to the gift shop.

Taran: Okay. But please stop buying geodes, okay? Seriously Dana, they’re not rare.

[Dana and Taran walk away]

King Henry VIII: Forget the bathing. I can tolerate your stench.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Um, hey. Hi. Sorry, hello.

[King Henry VIII grabs a hologram chicken and laughs]

King Henry VIII: Ha-ha. A fool! A fool amuses me! Dance for me. Dance for me with your enormous head.

Beck: What?

King Henry VIII: Come on, you fool. You total fool.

Beck: No.

King Henry VIII: You complete fool.

Beck: No, no. I’m not a fool. I have a lot of cool stuff going out. Thank you.

[Beck leaves] [A group of ladies come in and walk in a line]

Sasheer: Okay, moms’ day out group. Just follow me. We’re gonna go through the exit.

King Henry VIII: [Looking at the women one by one] Bear me a son. Bear me a son. You. You. Bear me a son. Open your legs!

[The ladies walk away] [Kenan walks in]

And take my seed in your moist.

Kenan: Hello.

King Henry VIII: Ah, my god. A black amore. I’ve only seen your kind in paintings.

Kenan: And goodbye.

[Kenan leaves] [Kyle and Aidy walk in]

Kyle: Question. Where did you go to the bathroom in the castle?

King Henry VIII: Be still, your tongue. I only wish to talk to this divine creature. [Talking to Aidy] Oh, I love to see you, with my son’s breakfast. [King Henry VIII is getting his hands on Aidy’s breasts] Two ample jogs of god’s old cream to feed the future king. I must have you. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Um, thank you. Ha-ha.

Kyle: Hey, come on babe. I wanna see the other stuff. Plus I think there’s something wrong with this hologoram.

[The hologram disappears] [Jon walks in]

Jon: Oops! Well, it looks like the kind requires a reboot of his royal software. In the meantime, feel free to sit on his throne and take a photograph if you want.

Aidy: Oh! Me first. [Aidy sits on the King’s throne] Okay, hun. Do it like– look at this. Do a serious photo and then do like, a goofy one. Okay? [Aidy starts posing] [As Aidy is posing, King Henry VIII appears again and is putting his hands on her breasts again]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Oh, my god!

[The End]

Close Encounter

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Ms. Raperdy… Kate McKinnon

Tod… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with NSAs interrogating three citizens]

Aidy: I am agent Loris with the NSA and this is special agent Kerpatrick.  Now we know, you’ve all been through quite an ordeal. So, we appreciate you making a trip to Washington on such short notice.

Bobby: Yes. You three experienced the first verified case of alien abduction. So, naturally you are great interest of United States government.

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: It’s nuts, man! I mean, we’re just small town buds who saw a UFO in the woods. I mean, we never hand out with the government.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, now, after the blue light pulled you into the space craft, what is your next memory?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: I came to and saw a beautiful being made of like a beautiful calming light.

Tod: Yea, same here. That being touched my head and I felt every emotion in it’s purest form. It was amazing. I cried, sir.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. And you, Ms. Raperdy?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Ms. Raperdy is smoking a cigarette.]

Ms. Raperdy: Wow, what floor were you guys on? I woke up in a dirty middle dome and 40 little gray aliens watch me pee in a steel bowl. And they took the bowl and walked out.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Interesting. Were these beings also bathed in light?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No. They were grey with big fat eyes, little mouths. They just stared while I peed. I don’t think I was dealing with the top brass.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: And how did they instruct you to urinate? Was that telepathically?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: Um, no. I woke up, I had to pee like a camel. So, I started peeing and one of the grey aliens slapped the wall and pointed at the bowl. So I got the hint. I kind of duck-walked over the bowl, peed in it.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Yes, I see. Now, when you all awoke, were you clothed?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: I was wrapped in like, a robe, man. Warm, glowing energy.

Tod: Yeah, like a blanket made out of pure love.

Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, it worked different for me. Um, I had the shirt I came in with but my pants were gone. So, my cuckoo was out. It’s full porky pig in a drafty dome.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Now, did you all stay on the same ship the entire time? Or…?

[Cut to Sharon and Tod]

Tod: Well, you know, my body did but my consciousness was shown what lies beyond time and space. [sobbing] It was so beautiful. I’m sorry, I’m just crying about this thing a little bit.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Okay. Do you need a tissue?

[Cut to Sharon and Tod]

Tod: What? No. Sorry, I’ll use my shirt.

Sharon: Um, the aliens showed my mind the furness of all creation that we would call god.

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy looking at Sharon and Tod]

Ms. Raperdy: What? These fancy cats are seeing god. Meanwhile, I’m starting phase two which is me sitting on a stool while 40 grey aliens take turns gently batting my knockers. Did y’all get the knocker stuff?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: No.

Tod: No.

Sharon: No knocker stuff. Sorry.

[Cut to Aidy an Bobby] Aidy: And, did you feel threatened, Ms. Raperdy?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No, no, no, no, no. They were real respectful about it. They were in a line and then one by one, they’d step up, slap a knocker, and then go to the end of line and wait for another turn. It didn’t hurt. It was like, I’m sorry, pardon me Sharon. [Cut to Sharon and Ms. Raperdy. Ms. Raperdy starting patting Sharon’s breasts.] It was like that. No harm, no foul.

Sharon: It huts a little. It hurts.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Perhaps they were collecting biological data?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No. No. It felt super off the books. I swear to god, there was one grey alien by a door just kind of peeking in and out. I think he was the look-out. Look, it’s one of my worst Wednesday night.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: And how did the aliens returned you all to earth?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]

Sharon: Oh, I was carried down gently. [Sharon looks at] He’s crying. I was carried down gently in a cradle of light placed into a soft bed of wallflowers.

Tod: Yeah. Yeah. The light layed me down like a baby in a meadow near my house. I was smiling and weeping tears of joy, sir.

Ms. Raperdy: Alright, now this miss me a little bit. Coz, my grand exit was out of what was basically like a big airplane toilet, okay? I dropped down seven feet on the roof of a long John Silvers. They threw out my pants separately. They missed the roof. My slacks landed on a freaking pine tree, 30 feet away. So, I had to just chill up there with my damn cuckoo hanging till the place open up.

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]

Sharon: Man!

Tod: Man, you got screwed.

Ms. Raperdy: Oh, you think Tod?

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Well, we’d like to take you guys for physical examinations now.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, alright. There’s gonna be a knocker stuff?

Aidy: Possibly. I’m sorry.

Ms. Raperdy: Na-na. Don’t be. Just be gentle. Tell me about god. What’s god deal?

[The End]