What Still Works Cold Open

Kate McKinnon

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Derrick Boner… Pete Davidson

Jack Dorsey… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Tom Brady… John Krasinski

[Starts with Kate McKinnon in her set.]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for “What Still Works?”

[cheers and applause]

Kate McKinnon: Hello. Hello and welcome to what still works where we look at every part of American society and wonder what still works? It’s a new year and we have a new president. So, something should work. But do they? Our first topic is ‘Government’ and already I have my doubts. Joining us is a congress woman from Georgia who’s been promoting QAnon conspiracy theories. Please welcome Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hi. Thanks for having me. [pulls out a gun and offers it to Kate McKinnon] Gun?

Kate McKinnon: No. Thank you. I’m good.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: Congress woman Greene, hard to say those words together. What are some of the theories you believe in and have been promoting?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: How much time you got?

Kate McKinnon: For you, very little.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Well, first off, I believe the Parkland shooting was a hoax. The teachers were actors and the children were dolls. I believe 9/11 was a hoax. Did anyone actually see it happen? I’ve also told my supporters that they should physically murder Nancy Pelosi. She’s just a lady I work with.

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I know. Thank you.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, and this is a new and it just came out. I think that the California wildfires were caused by Jewish space laser.

Kate McKinnon: So, there are lasers in space that cause wildfires and lasers identify as Jewish?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, correct.

Kate McKinnon: And those are real things you believe and tell other people about?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Um-hmm, yes.

Kate McKinnon: And you’re a US representative?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: You represent the US?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: People can google you and it will say – she’s a real member of the US government?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That might not be the first thing that comes up but yes.

Kate McKinnon: And when your colleagues found out about all these hateful and psychotic things you said, what did they do.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I was promoted to the education committee.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, thanks for coming. So, government doesn’t work. [Marjorie Taylor Greene walks out] And honestly, I regret not taking that gun. Now, let’s take a look at the stock market. That usually works, right? That’s where people invest all their retirement money, so should probably work. Here to help us answer that question is the new majority shareholder of GameStop, Derrick Boner.

[Derrick Boner walks in]

Derrick Boner: Hey. Wad up? This is crazy, dude. By the way, my name is Derrick Evans, but I made you say boner.

Kate McKinnon: Terrific. Now, would you say the stock market still works?

Derrick Boner: First of all, it’s pronounced ‘The Stonk Market’. Hell yeah, it works. See, I told you. I put all my money in GameStop and I can’t lose.

Kate McKinnon: Uh-huh. So, normally a stock price reflects the company’s value, right?

Derrick Boner: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: And two weeks ago, GameStop was valued at $Kate McKinnonTom Brady a share and then it went to $Jack DorseyKate McKinnonDerrick Boner a share. Would you say that reflects the kind of business GameStop stores have been doing in the past two weeks?

Derrick Boner: Um, we sell games?

Kate McKinnon: Right. But are you good at it?

Derrick Boner: Not really. People download all their games now, so we’re kind of like– I don’t know, what do you call it?

Kate McKinnon: A dying business?

Derrick Boner: Yeah. That’s it.

Kate McKinnon: Right. So, your price should have gone—

Derrick Boner: Down?

Kate McKinnon: But instead it went–

Derrick Boner: Up the most?

Kate McKinnon: So, now it seems like–

Derrick Boner: The entire system is a joke?

Kate McKinnon: Exactly.

Derrick Boner: Interesting. Hey, you wanna buy my stonks?

Kate McKinnon: I’m good. Thank you. But out of curiosity, who else invested in GameStop?

Derrick Boner: Oh. Ja Rule.

Kate McKinnon: Best of luck to you. [Derrick Boner walks away] So, the stock market no longer works. Next, let’s look at social media. Some might say it never worked, but let’s ask two experts, Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey and and Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg.

[Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk in. Jack Dorsey takes a seat and Mark Zuckerberg stays standing as there’s only one seat.]

We can get you a chair, Mark.

Mark Zuckerberg: I prefer to stand. It makes my legs work just as hard as my brain. Ha-ha-ha. Dab! [dabs] Hah! Leg-dab. [jumps and does the leg-dab]

Kate McKinnon: He’s one of our best and brightest. Guys, you’ve had to suspend the accounts of many prominent conservatives who are spreading lies and in-sighting violence. How did that go?

Jack Dorsey: Not well. It seems to have force those people on to darker, scarier apps where they’re delusion and blood lust can run wild.

Mark Zuckerberg: And fundamentally, Facebook still works. Not only does it help form communities online, it has helped people meet and connect in real life. For example, at the Capitol. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jack Dorsey: And while we’re gathering opinion with what works, would you say that my chin-beard is working?

Kate McKinnon: It’s working in terms of keeping me a lesbian. Thank you so much for joining us. [Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk out] Our next topic the vaccine rollout. Is that working? Joining us someone who has just received the vaccine, OJ Simpson.

[OJ Simpson walks in]

OJ Simpson: How is it going, gang? Great to see you, everybody. [He is wearing a house arrest ankle monitor] I don’t get out much, so this is fun.

Kate McKinnon: So, OJ, you got the vaccine?

OJ Simpson: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: Teachers can’t get vaccines but you did?

OJ Simpson: That’s correct.

Kate McKinnon: People with long term lung conditions can’t get the vaccine but you did?

OJ Simpson: Absolutely.

Kate McKinnon: So, among the first 3% of all Americans given the vaccine, was OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Hey, guilty as charged. About the vaccine.

Kate McKinnon: Alright. The vaccine rollout, it doesn’t work. Thank you so much for coming.

OJ Simpson: Honestly, my schedule was wide open. [ankle monitor starts beeping] God, this thing makes me so angry. [angrily] I swear I could just– [Kate McKinnon is getting scared of OJ Simpson and he notices that] Hey, stay cool, juice.

[OJ Simpson walks out]

Kate McKinnon: Cool. And our last topic tonight, Tom Brady. Is Tom Brady working? Here with his thoughts is Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady walks in]

Tom Brady: Thanks for having me.

Kate McKinnon: Now, Tom, this is your tenth Super Bowl appearance?

Tom Brady: That’s right.

Kate McKinnon: You’re 43 years old but you’re 27.

Tom Brady: I haven’t been eating sugar for 15 years.

Kate McKinnon: You went to historically one of the worst franchises in football and in your first year, you took them all the way to the championship?

Tom Brady: That’s right. But, it’s really team effort, you know?

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Don’t even try it. No one believes there’s anyone else on the team. My point is, you still work.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You’re supposed to win football games and you just keep winning football gmes.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You might be the only thing in America that still works.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: So, I guess everyone must be rooting for you, right?

Tom Brady: Almost no one.

Kate McKinnon: Well, you know what? I’ll be rooting for you, Tom Brady because you’re the only god damn thing this country can still rely on. And it’s not like you’re a weird Trump guy or anything, right?

Tom Brady: [does’t answer] Thanks for having me. [stands and walks away]

Kate McKinnon: And thank you for watching what still works. I’ve been Kate McKinnon as myself slowing losing my mind along with all of you. Stay strong. Or weak. Weak is a great option too. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Tom Brady

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games without pay due to findings that it is more than probable Brady knew about the deflation of the game balls. Here to comment, it’s Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in] [Cheers and applause]

Tom Brady: Hello and good evening, Michael. Looking sharp. Let’s have a great interview.

Michael Che: Yes. Let’s. Tom, I’m gonna ask you the hard questions, okay? Did you know they were letting air out of those balls?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Oh, well. I can’t speak to that at this time, Michael. But I do want what’s best for the team and America, and all of you.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Aw!

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Jost! Don’t do that! Tom, I’m gonna tell you right now. That Brady charm is not gonna work on me. Okay? These are serious allegations. Do you think punishment is deserved?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: It’s a great question, Michael. Asked by a great guy! But if I’m being honest, [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m still cracking up over Jost’s Jeb Bush joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Thanks Tom.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Ah, please call me Tommy.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, stop trying to distract us and just answer the questions, man! Do you think you will win the appeal and get a reduced punishment?

Tom Brady: You know, [Cut to Tom Brady] Michael, I was asked that very same question by Evan, my favorite make a wish child.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, you’re gonna stop being likable and answer my questions, okay? Do you feel any responsibility for the Patriots’ $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: You know, it’s another great question, and I admire your passion. I know my wife does too.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, I don’t — Wait! Gisele talks about me?

Tom Brady: That’s right. You know my wife?

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It’s Gisele.

Tom Brady: Oh, that’s right. To me, she’s just a mother of my greatest gifts. My American children.

Michael Che: Wait, no! You’re distracting us with your perfectness. Okay? You cheated. You got caught, alright? It’s basically proven. Just face it. Be a man!

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: What kind of man is that, Michael? A man who was a back-up QB in college? Drafted 199th and worked his cute butt off? To win four Superbowls, five NVP awards and more post games seasons– more post season games than anyone in the NFL history?

[Cut to Colin Jost clapping]

Colin Jost: Woo!

Tom Brady: Thank you.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Thank you. That was a rare Brady flub there, huh, Michael?

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that brings, Michael?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

The most! And when you’re under that kind of pressure, sure some air are gonna get squeezed out. But if you thing couple of ounces of air made all the difference in 45-7 win, then I’ve got one thing to say to you, I have no comment at this time and support our troops and god bless the USA.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Alright! Tom Brady, everyone!

Tom Brady: I’m a gorgeous closed book!

Michael Che: Yeah, we know you are.

[Cut to Colin Jost wiping his tears of joy]

Patriots Press Conference On Deflated Footballs

Gregg Gumble… Kenan Thompson

Bill Belichick… Beck Bennett

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

Dougie Spoons… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Inside The NFL intro]

Gregg Gumble: Hello, welcome. Welcome to Inside The NFL. I am Gregg Gumble, [pointing at his hair] the human microphone. With just a week to go before Super Bowl 49, the NFL is facing yet another scandal. And this time it actually has something to do with football. The New England Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs during the AFC championship. We now go live to Gillette stadium where Patriots coach Bill Belichick is holding a press conference.

[Cut to Bill Belichick at the podium of press conference.]

Bill Belichick: Good evening. As you can tell, I’m taking this very seriously. That’s why I got dressed up. I came here today to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to do with deflating those footballs and that’s all I have to say at the matter. Period! But I still have several minutes left. So, I’d like to spend the remaining of the press conference throwing my quarterback under the bus.

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant, but I remember, right before kickoff, Tom got this crazy look in his eye and he whispered to me, “I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna do something about those damn footballs.” Also, even though you didn’t ask, I’m just gonna say that I never really trusted the guy. Someone that good looking and rich, I mean, you’ve seen American Psycho.

Anyway, I loved him like a son. Just more of a strange son that I wouldn’t trust around footballs.

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions.] [Cut to Bill Belichick]

I’m sure you have questions but I’d rather leave those questions to the person who did it, Tom Brady.

[Bill Belichick leaves an Tom Brady walks in.]

Tom Brady: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for being here. I just wanna address the elephant in the room. This is a vintage hat. Pretty cool, right? Alright, laters!

[Tom Brady walks away but Bill Belichick pushes him back to the podium] [Cut to the media]

Kate: Tom. Hey, Tom. Did you have anything to do with deflating these footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Me? Absolutely not! Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that footballs could be inflated or deflated.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: You weren’t aware of that?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin. So, I just assume that air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: Tom! I think you’re pretending to know a lot less than you actually do.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: [in squeaky voice] Whaaaaat? Look, guys. I’m just a quarterback, alright? Once I take that snap, all I’m thinking about is throwing the bum ass spirals to grunt man! I’m not worried about the air pressure in the ball. That’s nerd stuff. Honestly, that’s above my pay grade.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: You make $26.5 million a year.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Yeah. Well, is that a lot? Guys, I don’t know things. I’m not a banker! I’m not a science computer!

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Did you just say science computer?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Isn’t that what you call it? I don’t know. Also, I just wanna change the sub– I don’t wanna change the subject here but remember how my former team mate Aaron Hernandez allegedly murdered 3 people? I mean, that seems like a huge story, right?

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Well, if you didn’t oversee the footballs, who did?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Okay, and for that I would like to turn it over to the real brains behind our entire operation, Assistant Equipment Co-Manager Dougie Spoons.

[Dougie Spoons walks in clapping]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Yeah! What’s up? Yeah! What’s going on? You guys wanna touch my balls or something? [laughing] [Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Um, Dougie, is it?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Dougie Spoons.

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Dougie, did Tom Brady at any point instruct you to take air out of those footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: This man is a saint.

Tom Brady: Ah! Dougie!

Dougie Spoons: What? You think you can do what he does? He has won 3 Super Bowls. Six if you include the losses. This man is a legend, a hero, and one day he is gonna be the father of my child.

Tom Brady: I’m sorry, what?

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Dougie, we just want the truth.

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be inflated by men with pumps. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, reporter? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places, you don’t talk about at Super Bowl parties, you want me on that bowl. You need me on that bowl.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: I did the job I was told to do.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: [yelling] Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: [yelling] You’re damn right I did!

[Tom Brady slides out] [Cut to the media looking shocked] [Cut to Gregg Gumble in his news set] [cheers and applause]

Gregg Gumble: Woah! Wow, that was not what I expected. This is basically the best episode of Inside The NFL ever! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!