Weekend Update Tom Brady

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games without pay due to findings that it is more than probable Brady knew about the deflation of the game balls. Here to comment, it’s Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in] [Cheers and applause]

Tom Brady: Hello and good evening, Michael. Looking sharp. Let’s have a great interview.

Michael Che: Yes. Let’s. Tom, I’m gonna ask you the hard questions, okay? Did you know they were letting air out of those balls?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Oh, well. I can’t speak to that at this time, Michael. But I do want what’s best for the team and America, and all of you.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Aw!

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Jost! Don’t do that! Tom, I’m gonna tell you right now. That Brady charm is not gonna work on me. Okay? These are serious allegations. Do you think punishment is deserved?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: It’s a great question, Michael. Asked by a great guy! But if I’m being honest, [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m still cracking up over Jost’s Jeb Bush joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Thanks Tom.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Ah, please call me Tommy.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, stop trying to distract us and just answer the questions, man! Do you think you will win the appeal and get a reduced punishment?

Tom Brady: You know, [Cut to Tom Brady] Michael, I was asked that very same question by Evan, my favorite make a wish child.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, you’re gonna stop being likable and answer my questions, okay? Do you feel any responsibility for the Patriots’ $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: You know, it’s another great question, and I admire your passion. I know my wife does too.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, I don’t — Wait! Gisele talks about me?

Tom Brady: That’s right. You know my wife?

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It’s Gisele.

Tom Brady: Oh, that’s right. To me, she’s just a mother of my greatest gifts. My American children.

Michael Che: Wait, no! You’re distracting us with your perfectness. Okay? You cheated. You got caught, alright? It’s basically proven. Just face it. Be a man!

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: What kind of man is that, Michael? A man who was a back-up QB in college? Drafted 199th and worked his cute butt off? To win four Superbowls, five NVP awards and more post games seasons– more post season games than anyone in the NFL history?

[Cut to Colin Jost clapping]

Colin Jost: Woo!

Tom Brady: Thank you.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Thank you. That was a rare Brady flub there, huh, Michael?

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that brings, Michael?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

The most! And when you’re under that kind of pressure, sure some air are gonna get squeezed out. But if you thing couple of ounces of air made all the difference in 45-7 win, then I’ve got one thing to say to you, I have no comment at this time and support our troops and god bless the USA.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Alright! Tom Brady, everyone!

Tom Brady: I’m a gorgeous closed book!

Michael Che: Yeah, we know you are.

[Cut to Colin Jost wiping his tears of joy]

Patriots Press Conference On Deflated Footballs

Gregg Gumble… Kenan Thompson

Bill Belichick… Beck Bennett

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

Dougie Spoons… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Inside The NFL intro]

Gregg Gumble: Hello, welcome. Welcome to Inside The NFL. I am Gregg Gumble, [pointing at his hair] the human microphone. With just a week to go before Super Bowl 49, the NFL is facing yet another scandal. And this time it actually has something to do with football. The New England Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs during the AFC championship. We now go live to Gillette stadium where Patriots coach Bill Belichick is holding a press conference.

[Cut to Bill Belichick at the podium of press conference.]

Bill Belichick: Good evening. As you can tell, I’m taking this very seriously. That’s why I got dressed up. I came here today to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to do with deflating those footballs and that’s all I have to say at the matter. Period! But I still have several minutes left. So, I’d like to spend the remaining of the press conference throwing my quarterback under the bus.

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant, but I remember, right before kickoff, Tom got this crazy look in his eye and he whispered to me, “I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna do something about those damn footballs.” Also, even though you didn’t ask, I’m just gonna say that I never really trusted the guy. Someone that good looking and rich, I mean, you’ve seen American Psycho.

Anyway, I loved him like a son. Just more of a strange son that I wouldn’t trust around footballs.

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions.] [Cut to Bill Belichick]

I’m sure you have questions but I’d rather leave those questions to the person who did it, Tom Brady.

[Bill Belichick leaves an Tom Brady walks in.]

Tom Brady: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for being here. I just wanna address the elephant in the room. This is a vintage hat. Pretty cool, right? Alright, laters!

[Tom Brady walks away but Bill Belichick pushes him back to the podium] [Cut to the media]

Kate: Tom. Hey, Tom. Did you have anything to do with deflating these footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Me? Absolutely not! Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that footballs could be inflated or deflated.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: You weren’t aware of that?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin. So, I just assume that air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: Tom! I think you’re pretending to know a lot less than you actually do.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: [in squeaky voice] Whaaaaat? Look, guys. I’m just a quarterback, alright? Once I take that snap, all I’m thinking about is throwing the bum ass spirals to grunt man! I’m not worried about the air pressure in the ball. That’s nerd stuff. Honestly, that’s above my pay grade.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: You make $26.5 million a year.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Yeah. Well, is that a lot? Guys, I don’t know things. I’m not a banker! I’m not a science computer!

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Did you just say science computer?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Isn’t that what you call it? I don’t know. Also, I just wanna change the sub– I don’t wanna change the subject here but remember how my former team mate Aaron Hernandez allegedly murdered 3 people? I mean, that seems like a huge story, right?

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Well, if you didn’t oversee the footballs, who did?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Okay, and for that I would like to turn it over to the real brains behind our entire operation, Assistant Equipment Co-Manager Dougie Spoons.

[Dougie Spoons walks in clapping]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Yeah! What’s up? Yeah! What’s going on? You guys wanna touch my balls or something? [laughing] [Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Um, Dougie, is it?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Dougie Spoons.

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Dougie, did Tom Brady at any point instruct you to take air out of those footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: This man is a saint.

Tom Brady: Ah! Dougie!

Dougie Spoons: What? You think you can do what he does? He has won 3 Super Bowls. Six if you include the losses. This man is a legend, a hero, and one day he is gonna be the father of my child.

Tom Brady: I’m sorry, what?

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Dougie, we just want the truth.

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be inflated by men with pumps. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, reporter? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places, you don’t talk about at Super Bowl parties, you want me on that bowl. You need me on that bowl.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: I did the job I was told to do.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: [yelling] Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: [yelling] You’re damn right I did!

[Tom Brady slides out] [Cut to the media looking shocked] [Cut to Gregg Gumble in his news set] [cheers and applause]

Gregg Gumble: Woah! Wow, that was not what I expected. This is basically the best episode of Inside The NFL ever! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!