Threesome

Tracy… Heidi Gadner

Tate… Mikey Day

Gannon… Will Forte

Tracy: Deluxe suite at the Radisson with a city view, not parking lot. Korbel champagne. You spoil me, Tate.

Tate: anything for my birthday girl. And I do mean anything.

Tracy: And the comments return.

Tate:  I’m sorry, my wife asked for a threesome with a random guy on line for her birthday. I think I have a right to make a comment or two.

Tracy: Honey, Gannon is not a random guy online. He’s an experienced third. And I thought you were okay with it.

Tate: I am. I am. I want you to be happy. I guess I’m just nervous.

Tracy: Don’t be. [knocking on the door] He’s here. Okay, now stop worrying and concentrate on making tonight beautiful.

[Tracy opens the door. Gannon walks in.]

Gannon: Hey, I’m Gannon and I’m here to have sex with you.

Tracy: Yes. Hi, I’m Tracy and this is my husband Tate.

Gannon: Hey there, Taint.

Tate: My name is Tate, not taint.

Gannon: Good. I was gonna say that’s a bad name. So look, I know it’s your first time doing this, but there’s nothing to worry about. My goal is to make sure everyone has a nice fulfilling experience. But safety first. Now, let’s see if this bed can handle the motion.

[Gannon walks to the bed slowly. Then he starts shaking the bed very roughly.]

Yeah, yeah, it’s not bad. It’s gonna work. Alright, well, let me get my Cialis here. Three pills has to do it.

Tracy: Oh, three? Wow.

Gannon: By the way, I find a threesome with a married couple works best is when the wife and I go about the night as if it’s just us. You know, it’s on the husband to figure out when and how to join in.

Tracy: Oh! That’s smart. So it’s not chaos. Feeling better now?

Tate: No. I’m not. What does that mean? Exactly?

Gannon: It means that if your wife and I have a good rhythm going, don’t crowbar yourself in, you know? Remember it’s a three way, not me way.

Tracy: Wow. Yeah. That is such a good way to put it. Did you make that up?

Gannon: I did. Yeah. Now heads up, Taint. The more heated I get, the harder it will be for you to get in there. This dog gets greedy with his treats.

Tate: Okay, you called me Taint again. It’s Tate. And just so I’m clear, the game plan for tonight is you’re going to make love to my wife and fight me off the whole time?

Gannon: What? No. Okay. Let me show you what I’m talking about. Okay. Alright. Okay, let’s say me and your gorgeous wife are on the bed here doing our thing. [Gannon gets on the bed and starts doing his thing with the pillow] This pillow is your wife, okay?

Tate: I understand. I understand. Geez.

Gannon: Alright. Now, try to join.

Tate: Try to join in?

Gannon: Yeah.

Tate: Alright.

[Tate gets into the bed]

Gannon: [hitting Tate with the pillow] Get out of here.

Tate: Dude! What? You’re gonna hit me with my own wife?

Gannon: If I have to, yeah. Okay, look bud. You want to save the Shire? You got to get through Mordor first.

Tracy: Yes, that’s what I’d like to see tonight. My man fighting for me. God, I am so happy right.

Gannon: Now, I mentioned in my email. I’m a sweater.

Tate: Oh, yes. We have everything you asked for. 11 Full Size bath towels, 25 lemon lime power aids and a tarp to put on over the bed.

Gannon: The tarp is optional, but again, you will not believe how much I sweat. Okay, speaking of, Taint, during some of your downtime, I might call for a towel. Okay? Go ahead and grab a freshie and get my back a pat down. Then get the hell out of there.

Tate: Excellent. So I’m a towel boy now.

Gannon: Towen man. Don’t sell yourself short. Okay, last thing. Taint, just throw this mask on.

Tate: What is this?

Gannon: Well, I don’t like seeing the dude’s face when I’m doing my thing. [Tate puts on the mask] Now, it’s like you’re not even here.

Tracy: I love that. So, should we start?

Gannon: Hell yeah. Okay, I’m just gonna pop in at the bathroom. Work through a minor Cialis heart attack real quick.

Tate: Okay, so maybe my wife and I will get started while you’re gone.

Gannon: Don’t you dare!

Bad Girl Talk Show | Season 44 Episode 20

Tracy… Kate McKinnon

Sherman Cole… Kenan Thompson

Rae Rae… Ego Ngodim

Carla… Cecily Strong

Marcus… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Dr. Jill… Emma Thompson

[Starts with intro music of Tracy]

Tracy: All right. Welcome back to Tracy. [Cut to the host] On today’s show we’re talking millennials gone bad. Our first guest, Sherman Cole says his 17 year old daughter Rae Rae’s out of control.

[Cut to Tracy and Sherman]

Sherman, why don’t you tell us about your daughter?

Sherman Cole: Well, Tracy, [Cut to Sherman] my Rae Rae used to be so sweet. She was a straight-A student. The type of girl that couldn’t get enough of kidz bop.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: She sounds lovely.

[Cut to Sherman]

Sherman Cole: Then suddenly she started skipping class, talking back, cussing at strangers.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Oh, wow. Well, why don’t we get Rae Rae out here to explain her behavior? Rae Rae, come on out.

[Rae Rae walks in] [Audience booing] [There’s a tag in the screen that says ‘Rae Rae, wants to fight Taylor Swift’]

Rae Rae: Whatever! Whatever! Y’all don’t know me. Haters. Hate all you want. You don’t know me. Haters!

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby, please. [Sherman looks at Tracy] You see what I mean? The girl’s out of control.

Rae Rae: Don’t nobody in this audience [Cut to Rae Rae]know who I am or what I’m about. Y’all just mad because y’all booties smell like burnt bacon. You don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Let’s take some questions from the audience.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Hi, Rae Rae. My name’s Carla. I know you say we don’t know you.

[Cut to split screen of Carla at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: ‘Cause you don’t, bitch!

Carla: But something tells me you’re a gal who loves to learn.

Rae Rae: Okay, true.

Carla: But only when you feel you’re being challenged by a teacher or mentor you admire.

Rae Rae: You right.

Carla: Standardized tests aren’t your forte, but you work hard at them and excel.

Rae Rae: Yeah, that’s me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Yes. You know she got a 1450 on her pre SAT.

Rae Rae: Okay. So she knows one little thing about me. That doesn’t mean she knows me. [Cut to Rae Rae] And if I ever met Taylor Swift, I’m beating her ass.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: What’s your problem with Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: She’s the bitch.

[Cut to Tracy] [Audience booing]

Tracy: That’s wickedly insightful.

[Audience booing] [Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Y’all don’t know me. Don’t none of y’all know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Let’s go to the man with the fedora that’s way too small for his head.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Hey. Hi. My name is Marcus. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you.

[Cut to split screen with Marcus at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: Thank you.

Marcus: But my guess is you’re a lot like me.

Rae Rae: Hell no!

Marcus: You know, the type of person who looks healthy but whose cardiovascular health is in shambles.

Rae Rae: Okay. So, we twins.

Marcus: Like you know exercise is important, but you have a hard time committing to it. And you tried corss-fit and loved it, but you left because it felt too culty.

[Audience clap] [Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: That was pretty on point.

Rae Rae: No, no. Whatever. Whatever. That’s universal. And Marcus? Hey, Marcus? You just mad because your mama’s a hoe.

[Audience boonig]

Sherman Cole: Baby, that is not nice. Now, your mama was kind of a hoe too. These people just trying to help you.

Rae Rae: But they don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Why don’t we hear from the lady with the bedazzled neck brace?

[Cut Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, it’s actually a thick choker. I just want to say this girl clearly loves Beyonce.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Who doesn’t?

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Well, in fairness, everybody loves Beyonce.

Heidi Gardner: But. But, but, but, she identifies more with Michele.

[Cut to split screen with Heidi at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: I do.

Heidi Gardner: Because you know what it’s like to fall and get stepped on over by your friends.

[Rae Rae is going to cry]

Rae Rae: Damn, bitch. You just read me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby girl, I did not know that you was out here struggling like that.

Rae Rae: Whatever, whatever. Everybody’s got a little Michelle in them.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Not me. I’m Beyonce to my core. Obviously we’ve got some deep rooted issues here. Why don’t we bring out our resident psychotherapist? She’s well versed in family conflicts because hers is falling apart. Please welcome Dr. Jill.

[Cut to everybody in stage. Dr. Jill joins them.]

Dr. Jill: Hi, Rae Rae. Full disclosure. I’m not actually a doctor. People just call me that because I play keyboards in a funk band.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t care what this woman has to say. I don’t know her.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: Well, actually you do know me because you swore at me in a Walmart parking lot.

Rae Rae: On Pico?

Dr. Jill: Yeah, that’s the one. I offered to help you with your anger issues. And we had a coffee and we became good friends.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t remember none of that.

[Cut to Dr. Jill.]

Dr. Jill: Yeah. We talked about your dad and how he smothered you.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: I been smothering you? You could have just said something.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill:

We cried together, actually, and you gave me the other half to your locket. Mine says ‘Sisters’.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Okay and mine says ‘For Life’. So? What’s your point?

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: My point is you still need to pay for the damages to my car. And since we’re here with your father I thought maybe—

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Who, Me? No. I don’t know her.

Rae Rae: Yeah, he don’t know me.

Sherman Cole: Yeah, and we don’t know you.

Rae Rae: Yeah, lady, you don’t now us.

Sherman Cole: You don’t know us.

Rae Rae: You don’t know us. She don’t know us.

Sherman Cole: We don’t know you.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Wonderful. Maybe it’s time for a commercial break. And when we return we’ll talk to a woman who says she’s having pizza rat’s baby.