Tag: Tracy

So You Think You Wont Snap Cold Open

Morgan Freegirl… Bowen Yang

Heather… Heidi Gardner

Kayla… Chloe Fineman

Tracy… Sarah Sherman

Dale… Kenan Thompson

Henry… Devon walker

[starts with Morgan Freegirl in his show set]

Morgan Freegirl: Hello America. [cheers and applause] Have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? People are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back. And the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. We are living on the edge and tonight I’m here to push us over as we play…

Intro:So you think you won’t snap!

Morgan Freegirl: [walks to his booth] Yes, that’s right. I’m your host Morgan Freegirl. Tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. Let’s meet them. It’s Heather, Kayla, Dale and Henry. [cheers and applause] The game is simple. I’ll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. All right, Heather, you’re up first in the hotspot.

[Heather walks to the spot]

Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont.

Heather: Yes, I’m just kind of a chill person. So I promise you’re not gonna get me up.

Morgan Freegirl: Hope you’re right. I’m gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you’ve hit your breaking point, you have in front of you a today’s show sized glass of wine.

[a girl brings a glass of wine and puts it on Heather’s table]

Heather: Oh, I’m not going to drink that. I’ve been sober for 15 years.

Morgan Freegirl: Love that confidence. Let’s play. Let’s start with Ukraine. A massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain.

Heather: I saw that. Hopefully it brings us for one step closer to an end.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, on Thursday, Biden said we are closer to nuclear Armageddon than we’ve been in 60 years.

Heather: I don’t know where to put that in my brain. But I love Biden.

Morgan Freegirl: Totally, new to. Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born, we didn’t have highways?

Heather: That’s a fun fact.

Morgan Freegirl: Joe Biden was Henry3 years old when he got his first home computer.

Heather: Why are you doing this?

Morgan Freegirl: I’m not doing anything. You want a sip of that wine?

Heather: No, I’m totally good.

[the girl is pouring more wine in her glass]

Morgan Freegirl: Your next item is a video clip. Please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity.

[cut to an interview of Joe Biden]

Journalist: How would you say your mental focus is?

Joe Biden: Which focus? Ha-ha-ha. I think if— I haven’t— Look.

[cut to Heather drinking the whole glass of wine at once]

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a snap.

Heather: [finishing her wine] Mama missed you.

Morgan Freegirl: Up next is Kayla. Kayla get in the hotspot.

[Kayla takes the seat]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.

Kayla: Yeah, that’s right. I’m blessed with four beautiful children and don’t have time to worry about anything else.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines. [Tracy is standing next to Kayla] And if you want, you can hit her.

Tracy: Hello.

Kayla:  What? Gosh, I don’t hit people.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, they get hit all the time now, must be a good reason. Let’s play. We’ll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

Kayla: Oh, the football player. I like him.

Morgan Freegirl: Well came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it.

Kayla: Well, I bet that’ll come back and bite him in the butt.

Morgan Freegirl: That actually led to his best fundraising day ever.

Kayla: Well, that’s hard to compute, but I don’t like politics. So can we talk about something fun instead?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. You’re a mom. Did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer.

Kayla: Okay, that sounds dumb. But my kids are into video games, so.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, great. They just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. Let’s take a look.

[cut to Super Mario Brothers movie trailer]

Mario: Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!

[cut back to Kayla]

Kayla: What? He’s supposed to be Italian. That’s like, his whole thing. Argh! [starts hitting Tracy]

Morgan Freegirl: It was inevitable. Well, it’s time for our next contestant get up here, Dale.

[Dale takes the seat]

[cheers and applause]

Hello, Dale, you said you’re taking advantage of Biden’s new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show?

Dale: Yes, I sure did. God bless America.

Morgan Freegirl: Well Dale, time for your around. In front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap.

[there are bottle, martini glass, and ice container on the table]

Dale: No worry about that. Nothing can ruin my day today.

Morgan Freegirl: Of course, let’s play. This week Elon Musk—

Dale: Ah! [breaks everything on the table] That man needs to shut his mouth. Rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, turn your ass to Mars then.

Morgan Freegirl: Thanks, Dale. And our last contestant is Henry.

[Henry is sitting on the spot]

Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. We asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cutiea.

Henry: Yeah, I was just goofing.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron just in case you need to use it on your hand.

Henry: Why would I in my hand?

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a great question. Let’s play. 401K’s are down Heather0%.

Henry:  I don’t have one so that doesn’t bother me.

Morgan Freegirl:  In the name of inclusivity, the Mars company has announced that the orange M&M has anxiety.

Henry: That’s the candy, doesn’t matter.

Morgan Freegirl: This week Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic.

Henry: [exhaling] Okay. Alright, so you bringing up Kanye. All right. All right. It’s okay. I still like his music.

Morgan Freegirl: Kanye West also recently opened a private school.

Henry: Okay, a school. That’s good, right?

Morgan Freegirl: And says he has never read a book in his life.

Henry: Can I get a new topic?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. Let’s switch gears to Tucker Carlson. Last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West.
Henry: Hey man, have a heart. Come on.

Morgan Freegirl: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s go to the world of fashion.

Henry: Okay, thank you.

Morgan Freegirl: With a photo of Kanye.

[Cut to a picture of Kanye West wearing “White lives matter” shirt.]

[Cut to Henry burning his face with the iron]

Henry: Ah!

Morgan Freegirl: Oh, there we go. When we come back, we’ll show an 80 year old man an episode of euphoria and…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

 

Threesome

Tracy… Heidi Gadner

Tate… Mikey Day

Gannon… Will Forte

Tracy: Deluxe suite at the Radisson with a city view, not parking lot. Korbel champagne. You spoil me, Tate.

Tate: anything for my birthday girl. And I do mean anything.

Tracy: And the comments return.

Tate:  I’m sorry, my wife asked for a threesome with a random guy on line for her birthday. I think I have a right to make a comment or two.

Tracy: Honey, Gannon is not a random guy online. He’s an experienced third. And I thought you were okay with it.

Tate: I am. I am. I want you to be happy. I guess I’m just nervous.

Tracy: Don’t be. [knocking on the door] He’s here. Okay, now stop worrying and concentrate on making tonight beautiful.

[Tracy opens the door. Gannon walks in.]

Gannon: Hey, I’m Gannon and I’m here to have sex with you.

Tracy: Yes. Hi, I’m Tracy and this is my husband Tate.

Gannon: Hey there, Taint.

Tate: My name is Tate, not taint.

Gannon: Good. I was gonna say that’s a bad name. So look, I know it’s your first time doing this, but there’s nothing to worry about. My goal is to make sure everyone has a nice fulfilling experience. But safety first. Now, let’s see if this bed can handle the motion.

[Gannon walks to the bed slowly. Then he starts shaking the bed very roughly.]

Yeah, yeah, it’s not bad. It’s gonna work. Alright, well, let me get my Cialis here. Three pills has to do it.

Tracy: Oh, three? Wow.

Gannon: By the way, I find a threesome with a married couple works best is when the wife and I go about the night as if it’s just us. You know, it’s on the husband to figure out when and how to join in.

Tracy: Oh! That’s smart. So it’s not chaos. Feeling better now?

Tate: No. I’m not. What does that mean? Exactly?

Gannon: It means that if your wife and I have a good rhythm going, don’t crowbar yourself in, you know? Remember it’s a three way, not me way.

Tracy: Wow. Yeah. That is such a good way to put it. Did you make that up?

Gannon: I did. Yeah. Now heads up, Taint. The more heated I get, the harder it will be for you to get in there. This dog gets greedy with his treats.

Tate: Okay, you called me Taint again. It’s Tate. And just so I’m clear, the game plan for tonight is you’re going to make love to my wife and fight me off the whole time?

Gannon: What? No. Okay. Let me show you what I’m talking about. Okay. Alright. Okay, let’s say me and your gorgeous wife are on the bed here doing our thing. [Gannon gets on the bed and starts doing his thing with the pillow] This pillow is your wife, okay?

Tate: I understand. I understand. Geez.

Gannon: Alright. Now, try to join.

Tate: Try to join in?

Gannon: Yeah.

Tate: Alright.

[Tate gets into the bed]

Gannon: [hitting Tate with the pillow] Get out of here.

Tate: Dude! What? You’re gonna hit me with my own wife?

Gannon: If I have to, yeah. Okay, look bud. You want to save the Shire? You got to get through Mordor first.

Tracy: Yes, that’s what I’d like to see tonight. My man fighting for me. God, I am so happy right.

Gannon: Now, I mentioned in my email. I’m a sweater.

Tate: Oh, yes. We have everything you asked for. 11 Full Size bath towels, 25 lemon lime power aids and a tarp to put on over the bed.

Gannon: The tarp is optional, but again, you will not believe how much I sweat. Okay, speaking of, Taint, during some of your downtime, I might call for a towel. Okay? Go ahead and grab a freshie and get my back a pat down. Then get the hell out of there.

Tate: Excellent. So I’m a towel boy now.

Gannon: Towen man. Don’t sell yourself short. Okay, last thing. Taint, just throw this mask on.

Tate: What is this?

Gannon: Well, I don’t like seeing the dude’s face when I’m doing my thing. [Tate puts on the mask] Now, it’s like you’re not even here.

Tracy: I love that. So, should we start?

Gannon: Hell yeah. Okay, I’m just gonna pop in at the bathroom. Work through a minor Cialis heart attack real quick.

Tate: Okay, so maybe my wife and I will get started while you’re gone.

Gannon: Don’t you dare!

Bad Girl Talk Show | Season 44 Episode 20

Tracy… Kate McKinnon

Sherman Cole… Kenan Thompson

Rae Rae… Ego Ngodim

Carla… Cecily Strong

Marcus… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Dr. Jill… Emma Thompson

[Starts with intro music of Tracy]

Tracy: All right. Welcome back to Tracy. [Cut to the host] On today’s show we’re talking millennials gone bad. Our first guest, Sherman Cole says his 17 year old daughter Rae Rae’s out of control.

[Cut to Tracy and Sherman]

Sherman, why don’t you tell us about your daughter?

Sherman Cole: Well, Tracy, [Cut to Sherman] my Rae Rae used to be so sweet. She was a straight-A student. The type of girl that couldn’t get enough of kidz bop.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: She sounds lovely.

[Cut to Sherman]

Sherman Cole: Then suddenly she started skipping class, talking back, cussing at strangers.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Oh, wow. Well, why don’t we get Rae Rae out here to explain her behavior? Rae Rae, come on out.

[Rae Rae walks in] [Audience booing] [There’s a tag in the screen that says ‘Rae Rae, wants to fight Taylor Swift’]

Rae Rae: Whatever! Whatever! Y’all don’t know me. Haters. Hate all you want. You don’t know me. Haters!

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby, please. [Sherman looks at Tracy] You see what I mean? The girl’s out of control.

Rae Rae: Don’t nobody in this audience [Cut to Rae Rae]know who I am or what I’m about. Y’all just mad because y’all booties smell like burnt bacon. You don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Let’s take some questions from the audience.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Hi, Rae Rae. My name’s Carla. I know you say we don’t know you.

[Cut to split screen of Carla at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: ‘Cause you don’t, bitch!

Carla: But something tells me you’re a gal who loves to learn.

Rae Rae: Okay, true.

Carla: But only when you feel you’re being challenged by a teacher or mentor you admire.

Rae Rae: You right.

Carla: Standardized tests aren’t your forte, but you work hard at them and excel.

Rae Rae: Yeah, that’s me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Yes. You know she got a 1450 on her pre SAT.

Rae Rae: Okay. So she knows one little thing about me. That doesn’t mean she knows me. [Cut to Rae Rae] And if I ever met Taylor Swift, I’m beating her ass.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: What’s your problem with Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: She’s the bitch.

[Cut to Tracy] [Audience booing]

Tracy: That’s wickedly insightful.

[Audience booing] [Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Y’all don’t know me. Don’t none of y’all know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Let’s go to the man with the fedora that’s way too small for his head.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Hey. Hi. My name is Marcus. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you.

[Cut to split screen with Marcus at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: Thank you.

Marcus: But my guess is you’re a lot like me.

Rae Rae: Hell no!

Marcus: You know, the type of person who looks healthy but whose cardiovascular health is in shambles.

Rae Rae: Okay. So, we twins.

Marcus: Like you know exercise is important, but you have a hard time committing to it. And you tried corss-fit and loved it, but you left because it felt too culty.

[Audience clap]

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: That was pretty on point.

Rae Rae: No, no. Whatever. Whatever. That’s universal. And Marcus? Hey, Marcus? You just mad because your mama’s a hoe.

[Audience boonig]

Sherman Cole: Baby, that is not nice. Now, your mama was kind of a hoe too. These people just trying to help you.

Rae Rae: But they don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Why don’t we hear from the lady with the bedazzled neck brace?

[Cut Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, it’s actually a thick choker. I just want to say this girl clearly loves Beyonce.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Who doesn’t?

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Well, in fairness, everybody loves Beyonce.

Heidi Gardner: But. But, but, but, she identifies more with Michele.

[Cut to split screen with Heidi at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: I do.

Heidi Gardner: Because you know what it’s like to fall and get stepped on over by your friends.

[Rae Rae is going to cry]

Rae Rae: Damn, bitch. You just read me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby girl, I did not know that you was out here struggling like that.

Rae Rae: Whatever, whatever. Everybody’s got a little Michelle in them.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Not me. I’m Beyonce to my core. Obviously we’ve got some deep rooted issues here. Why don’t we bring out our resident psychotherapist? She’s well versed in family conflicts because hers is falling apart. Please welcome Dr. Jill.

[Cut to everybody in stage. Dr. Jill joins them.]

Dr. Jill: Hi, Rae Rae. Full disclosure. I’m not actually a doctor. People just call me that because I play keyboards in a funk band.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t care what this woman has to say. I don’t know her.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: Well, actually you do know me because you swore at me in a Walmart parking lot.

Rae Rae: On Pico?

Dr. Jill: Yeah, that’s the one. I offered to help you with your anger issues. And we had a coffee and we became good friends.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t remember none of that.

[Cut to Dr. Jill.]

Dr. Jill: Yeah. We talked about your dad and how he smothered you.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: I been smothering you? You could have just said something.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill:

We cried together, actually, and you gave me the other half to your locket. Mine says ‘Sisters’.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Okay and mine says ‘For Life’. So? What’s your point?

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: My point is you still need to pay for the damages to my car. And since we’re here with your father I thought maybe—

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Who, Me? No. I don’t know her.

Rae Rae: Yeah, he don’t know me.

Sherman Cole: Yeah, and we don’t know you.

Rae Rae: Yeah, lady, you don’t now us.

Sherman Cole: You don’t know us.

Rae Rae: You don’t know us. She don’t know us.

Sherman Cole: We don’t know you.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Wonderful. Maybe it’s time for a commercial break. And when we return we’ll talk to a woman who says she’s having pizza rat’s baby.