Weekend Update: Chen Biao on the US-China Trade Deal

Michael Che

Chen Biao.. Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump confirmed that he reached in an initial trade deal with China which many hopes signifies the end of the trade war. Here to comment is a Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Ay! Ai-ao-sys. [cheers and applause]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I don’t speak Mandarin.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Oh! Ai-ao-sys in English means, Ay yo, sis! Good to be back, Che!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Thanks for being back. Now, some are saying this agreement benefits Trump more than China. How do you feel about that?

Chen Biao: Oh, please! Trade Daddy played Trump like mahjon. [Cut to Chen Biao] Pong! Tariff threat, Michael Che5%. He goes down to 7.5% and I’m all like, “Yeah, that’s good with me if that’s good with you, don, don!” Then I throw in $50 billion in farm goods so he can feel like the big man on congress. Toh!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mr. Biao, for those who don’t know, what is tariff?

Chen Biao: Okay, I’ll explain. [Cut to Chen Biao] A tariff is like a tax but a its little bit bitchy. And the retaliatory tariff is when China goes, “No rare earth minerals for you. You’ve been bad.”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you at least happy that the trade war is potentially ending?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I’m so over the trade war. [Cut to Chen Biao] I don’t need that drama in my life. I’m seeing a new acupuncturist. I’m on a social media cleanse because of my government. And even Marie Kondo’d, she’s Japanese, you’re a racist. Look, I’m cutting out the negativity, okay? So, hey, Trump, are you China’s air quality? Because you’re toxic.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it’s understanding, China would be frustrated.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah. Well the trade war was getting so petty. [Cut to Chen Biao] The US’s panties were all in beef, because apparently we take your intellectual property, please. Nobody needs your idea for CBD lip gloss, Ainslie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Ainslie?

Chen Biao: Probably some “Shark Tank” reject whose Instagram bio says, “Mogel slash Activist.” Pick a lane.

Michael Che: Well, farmers have been really feeling the effects of the last Michael Che9 months of trade dispute.

Chen Biao: Michael Che9 months? Big whoop. [Cut to Chen Biao] I’ve had dry spells longer than that. Psyche! You know me. I got hoes in different province codes. My ass is dead, Michael! Sorry, dead ass!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, is this trade war really over?

Chen Biao: No way. [Cut to Chen Biao] This deal is extremely preliminary. It’s like they announce a Pixar movie but it doesn’t drop until Chen Biao0Chen Biao4. So, Trump, are you in the right head space to receive information that could possibly hurt you? Because I’m clocking you and you can clock me and my Beijing Olympics, GUCCI swag.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody