Michael Che
Laura parsons… Vanessa Bayer
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: It’s time once again for our newscasters of Tomorrow segment, where a kid joins us to give the news from their perspective. So, please welcome kid actress, Laura Parsons.
[Laura Parsons slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Laura Parsons: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.
[singing] News, talking about news
they say that it’s fake but that’s just happened
anything on news
Michael Che: That was adorable. Laura, you’re an actress, did you watch the Oscars?
Laura Parsons: Of course, I did. It was so exciting. [Cut to Laura Parsons]
[singing] City of stars
are you shining just for me?
That’s how people sing in Hollywood.
[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]
Michael Che: Yeah, very good. Did you see any of the winning movies?
Laura Parsons: Well, I didn’t see ‘Moonling’. My mother says it’s too grown up for me. But I know it featured brilliant performances, amazing cinematography [in loud voice] and a sea side handjob!
Michael Che: Wait! Hey, I don’t know if you should be saying that. And where did you even hear that term? Where did you learn that?
Laura Parsons: Well, someone wrote in on the wall of our school bathroom. And speaking of school bathrooms, Trump just rolled back rights of transgender students to use a bathroom of their choice. Isn’t that terrible?
Michael Che: Yes, that’s right. But do you know exactly what that issue is about?
Laura Parsons: I think so. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Some people think you should choose which bathroom you use based on your gender identity. But the government [in loud voice] wants to lift up your skirt and judge your ding-dongs!
[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]
Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what transgender means?
Laura Parsons: I think so. [Cut to Laura Parsons] It’s when you look down at your privates and say “Why I ought to.”
[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]
Michael Che: No. No. Let’s talk about something that’s not even in the news. Have you seen any good TV shows lately?
Laura Parsons: I sure have. Do you like prank shows, Michael?
Michael Che: Not really.
Laura Parsons: Well, I do. I love all kinds of pranks. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Except last week when a woman was tricked into spraying Kim Jong-Un’s half-brother [in loud voice] with nerve toxin.
[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]
Michael Che: How do you know–
Laura Parsons: [in loud voice] The prank was murder!
Michael Che: Laura, I feel like I say this a lot. But let’s talk about something way lighter. What about something from your life?
Laura Parsons: Well, I’m going to visit my grandparents soon.
Michael Che: That’s very nice.
[Cut to Laura Parsons]
Laura Parsons: Luckily, they live in a beautiful condo and not one of the thousands of nursing homes that’s been cited for elder abuse and [in loud voice] sexual assault.
[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]
Michael Che: Laura!
Laura Parsons: You might wanna google it [in loud voice] before nana gets raped!
Michael Che: Alright! That’s enough. Thank you for being here, Laura, you– you did great. Thank you so much.
Laura Parsons: I did? [singing] Pa-pa-pa pa-di-pa-pa
And that’s in the news
Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everybody. Very good. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.