Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Helen… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a presentation]

Kyle: Good morning. Inotech Research is pleased to welcome you to what we believe will be a very exciting preservation.

Alex: Well, it better be. This project is, what? $18 million over budget?

Mikey: Um, yes, but thanks to your patience as well as your investment, we are thrilled to announce near completion on the X5 prototype.

Cecily: Near completion? So, what exactly are we going to see here?

Helen: Well, if all goes well, exactly what we promised. Using EEG censoring and brain interfacing, we will do what has never been done, scan the household pet’s mind to translate his thoughts into words. Now, the subject today will be my own dog, Max. [There’s a god with a helmet on that has few wires] Looks like he’s ready.

Alex: Then, let’s see it.

Helen: Okay, Max, here we go.

Mikey: EEG signal, 100%. Vitals are normal. Okay, we have mind link.

Helen: Okay, Max, this is it. Max, speak.

Max: [gibberish]

Alex: Brilliant.

Helen: Hang on. It worked.  I swear, just boost the signal. Max, speak.

Max: Hi, I’m Max. It’s me, Max.

Alex: Oh, my god.

Max: I like to play ball. I like purple bird in the window.

Helen: I think he means the pigeon. He’s never spoken this much before. Max, what else do you like?

Max: I like park, and leash, and I like Trump. He’s my man.

Helen: What?

Cecily: What did you dog just say?

Helen: Um, it must be a translation error, some kind of glitch.

Max: There’s no glitch. Donald Trump is our president. He carried the electoral college fair and square.

Mikey: Um, this can’t be right. did you know your dog likes Trump?

Helen: He doesn’t.

Max: I absolutely do. I know Trump has issues, but one big change is better than business as usual.

Kyle: Okay, Max, no. You drop that right now. You don’t like Trump.

Max: The Dow is up 2700 points since he was elected. What’s not to like?

Cecily: Your dog is a monster.

Helen: No, he’s not. Let me talk to him. Max, I’m sorry, but you’re just a dog. You don’t know what you’re talking about

Max: Excuse me, Helen, but yes, I do. [Max is trying to pull the helmet out] Stinking helmet, I can’t believe you put this on me. It’s just that condescending attitude that made people want to vote for Trump in the first place. [Max successfully puts the helmet out]

Helen: Get over here, Max.

[Helen puts the helmet on Max again] This is crazy, okay? I can’t believe you’re saying this. You were supposed to be my best friend.

Max: And as you friend, I don’t want to see your tax dollars going to health care for illegals.

Alex: Your dog is a jackass.

Helen: What? No. Hang on. Max, listen. Trump is bad. Trump is racist.

Max: What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.

Cecily: Really?

Helen: No, Max, that is not true.

Max: It is absolutely true, Helen. Plus, Trump is the only one that isn’t owned by Wall Street.

Helen: Oh my god, are you insane? My head’s going to explode. What bout his record on women’s right? Don’t you want me to have a choice over my own body?

Max: You didn’t afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.

Helen: Oh! Max! You don’t know anything. You’re just a dog. You’re just a dog and you pee on the floor.

Max: And you masturbate out of boredom. What the hell does that have to do with what we’re talking about right now?

Kyle: Whoa!

Helen: Max!

Max: You just assume that because I’m a Trump supporter that I’m a xenophobic racist.

Helen: No, I don’t. Your best friend at the dog park is a chihuahua.

Max: So?

Helen: That means, he’s Mexican and Trump wants to kick them out of the country.

Max: If Akito was born here, he has nothing to worry about. This is a nation of laws.

Cecily: Alright, stand back. I’m gonna shoot him with the gun I carry.

Alex: Don’t miss.

Max: No, for god’s sake, I can’t even have a conversation without you liberal snowflakes–

Helen: [pulling out the helmet] No! Enough! Enough! Shut up, Max. Just shut your dumb mouth.

[turning the machine off]

Mikey: Um, that concludes the demonstration. Obviously we have some more work to dy.

Alex: Obviously.

Cecily: Yeah, this whole project is on thin ice. That dog is a problem.

[Alex and Cecily leaves]

Helen: It’s okay, Max. I love you no matter what. We just have to learn to respect each other’s point of view, I guess. Now, let’s go for a walk. Okay?  Put your hat on, it’s cold. There you go. It’s a good thing you’re cute, you little dumbass!

[Helen carries Max and walks away]

Another Translator

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with three scientists in their lab]

Kyle: On behalf of Inotech research, we’d like to welcome you back to the testing lab.

Mikey: We know our last presentation of X5 mind reading device was not exactly successful.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: No, it was not. It was bad.

Cecily: Very bad.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes, we are aware. Rest assured that all the glitches have been fixed. At last we’ll be able to accurately read the thoughts of common household pets.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Heard that before.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Now, today’s test subject is my own dog, Max.

[Cut to a pug with a device hat on his head]

So, with your permission let’s begin.

[Cut to everybody] [The scientists are working on their devices]

Mikey: We have mind link.

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, can you hear me?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Woof, woof! Just kidding! It’s me, Max.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: How are you feeling?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Great.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Why is that Max?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Because Trump is getting impeached.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! That’s better.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Too bad it means he’s going to get reelected for sure. Good job, dummies!

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, no. Where did you hear that?

[Cut to Max]

Max: On fox news. Your parents let me watch when they baby sit me.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Oh, my god. That’s not true. There’s a mountain of evidence against trump.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And name one conservative whose mind has been changed by any of it. Oh, right. You don’t know any.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: I know conservatives. My cousin Tina.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, right. Tina, that you blocked on all social media accounts. You’re real close.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: All right, what is going on with that dog?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Nothing. He’s fine. Max, people have no reason to think that Trump is a good president.

[Cut to Max]

Max: [coughs] The economy. [coughs] Unemployment. [coughs] Stockmarket. Sorry, my Kennel cough is coming up.

[Cut to the scientists]

Mikey: Yikes! Burn!

Scarlett: Max, Trump is a crook.

[Cut to Max]

Max: No Doubt. But he’s playing a game the democrats don’t even know the rules to. And I hate to quote Charlie Sheen here but he’s winning.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max, you’re just a dog. You don’t even know what we are talking about. You eat your own poop.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And you ate pizza crust out of the garbage last night. She thought she was being good by throwing it away and ten minutes later she’s digging for it.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: We have no choice but to impeach. He’ll try to steal the next election.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Like you stole my testicles? I’m still mad about that. Here’s an actual experiment. Everyone say out loud the democratic hopeful they’re most excited about.

[The people are not sure of any candidate] [Cut to Max]

Max: Yeah. Terrific. Can’t wait for November.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max. That’s enough. You’re just pretending you still like Trump because you’re too embarrassed to admit how awful he is.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, is Rachel Maddow in the room? Please, lecture me some more. It’s working.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Hey, Maddow is America’s sweetheart, you dumb pug.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Don’t you worry that history will look back on this moment and we’ll be embarrassed?

[Cut to Max]

Max: If you want to talk embarrassing history, let’s look at your web browser.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Both: Oh!

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: Max, you’re my best friend. I had no idea you felt like this.

Max: Well, you tend to do all the talking in the relationship.

Scarlett: No more Fox news. But I hear what you’re saying. Shake and  make up?

Max: Sure.

Scarlett: Well, that concludes our presentation. What did you think?

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Hated it.

Alex: Funding revoked.

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: No, please, wait, let’s try other test sub. Fire up the machine.

[Cut to a piglet]

Piglet: Tulsi Gabbard, 2020!

Scarlett: Dammit!