Why’d You Post That

Darnell Pepper… Kevin Hart

Kim… Venessa Bayer

Trisa… Aidy Bryant

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Darnell Pepper in his set for Why’d You Post That?] [cheers and applause]

Darnell Pepper: Hello, what’s up? I’m Darnell Pepper and welcome to Why’d You Post That? Yeah! This is the show where I find people who are bad on Instagram, bring them out here and yell at them. Please welcome our first guest, Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Hi Darnell.

Darnell Pepper: Hey, thanks for being here.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Kim, do me a favor. I want you to tell me what this photo is and why did you post it?

[There is a blur photo of The Empire State building posted on Instagram on the show screen.]

Kim: Oh, that’s the Empire State building [cut to Kim] and I posted it because I heart New York

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh! Okay, okay. That’s the Empire State building right there? Wow. I’ve never seen that before.

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: Oh, wow, you haven’t?

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Of course I have, Kim. I’ve seen the Empire State building about a billion times. There’s actually tons of photos going around that other people have seen of it. I don’t think not one person has seen this photo and said, “What’s Kim’s take on it?” Kim, answer this question. Why is it so blurry? And when you took it, were you thrown from the building when you took the picture?

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: No, Darnell. I thought I actually had a pretty good view.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, this is a good view to you? This here? Kim, you know, my grandmom has a better view and her house honestly Kim, is underground. My grandmom’s dead. Um, Kim, listen. Your Instagram has taken time from my life. And right now, I’m gonna take time from your’s. You’re going into wall.

[Cut to the stage.]

Kim: What do you mean?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Kim is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Yeah, get your ass out! [Cut to Darnell Pepper] Get out! Get your ass out! Um, now, for those of you tuning into my show for the first time, yes, I do have a small dungeon behind my set. Now, each of my guests is basically locked back there for about one week just to get their minds right. Is it illegal? Of course it is. You wanna stop me, just call 911. We all know you’re not going to do it. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Okay, please help me welcome my next guest, Trisa.

[Trisa walks in] [cheers and applause]

Trisa: Hi. Hey, I was told I was gonna be on ‘The Price Is Right’.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Well, you got the price wrong. Um, Trisa, here’s the thing. I wanna tell you a story. I was laying on my bed on Sunday and I’m basically scrolling through the gram and I saw a picture of my sister’s daughter. [Show screen showing Darnell Pepper’s sister’s daughter posted on Instagram.] Aw, there she is. You know what I did? I loved that. That’s what I did. You know I saw another picture of my friend’s puppy. He was dressed like a hotdog. [Show screen showing a puppy dressed like a hotdog posted on Instagram.] Look at this. Cute as hell. That’s cute, right? Then all of a sudden,this popped up. [Show screen showing a picture of a broken toenail posted on Instagram.] It’s a photo of your big old bruised and busted toe. Now, why in hell would you post this photo?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: [laughing] I don’t know, it’s a funny story, Darnell. A horse ran over my big toe and it got really bruised and then the nail broke off. And I was like, “Oh, my god. That would make the perfect Instagram.”

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: [fake laughing] Hey, Trisa, is your mom watching this?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Oh, yeah! Definitely.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Okay, then I’ma take this time to address your mother directly. [looking at the camera] You failed! Okay?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Okay. Well, Darnell, I’m sorry. I had to give my followers something for Throw Back Thursday. You know, TBT.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Wait a minute. Hold on! Hold on! This was a TBT? So, you’re telling me that you went through all your old photos to be like, “Hmm, what should I post?” And somehow you decided on a picture of a dead toe? You know what that’s like, Trisa? That’s like fishing an old dukie out the toilet to restake the bathroom. That’s what it’s like. Trisa, pack your bags coz you’re going into wall.

Trisa: What?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Trisa is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Get your ass back there. God I love doing that. I love it. I really do. Now, right now is time for this week’s Darnell Do Not. Instagrammers, do not post a sexy selfie without checking the background first.I want you to look at this. [Show screen shows a picture of a woman posted on Instagram.] Look at this girl trying to get me all horny. Hey, real quick, what’s that behind her on the bathroom floor? [The picture zooms. There’s a baby lying naked on the floor.] Oh! Oh! That’s a baby back there busting it open. That’s what that is. Okay? This is not a sexy selfie. It’s exhibit A in a custody trial. And that’s why it’s a Darnell do Not.

Alright, now it’s time for my final guest. He’s a dumb little idiot. Please welcome Travis.

[Travis walks in]

Travis: Hey, my brother!

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Ha-ha. Shut the hell up, Travis. We need to talk about something serious, okay? Last week Travis, there was a horrible terrorist attack in Paris. And Travis, you posted an Instagram about it.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: That’s right. And the caption said, “Thinking of everyone in Paris” coz I was.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, that’s nice. But you know, let’s take a look at the picture right now.

[Show screen show’s a selfie of Travis in his bed topless posted on Instagram.}

Look at that. This is not about Paris. This is about you trying to show of your little orangutan nipples. That’s what this is. Okay? Have you ever been to Paris, Travis?

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Yes, sir. I love the culture there. But the Eiffel tower was smaller than I thought and I lost a lot of money.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: That was Vegas. Okay? Travis, that’s it! You’re going in the wall.

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Travis is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

In the wall! In the wall! Get your ass back there.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Alright, people! Well, that’s all the time we have on Why’d You Post That? I’m Darnell Pepper saying, “Don’t post pictures of coffee.” Goodnight.

Ken Instagram | Season 44 Episode 10

Travis… Kenan Thompson

Deirdre… Cecily Strong

Michael… Pete Davidson

Victoria… Rachel Brosnahan

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a video clip of office building of Mattel]

Deirdre: Good morning, little Barbie interns. [Cut to intern meeting. The interns are sitting and Deirdre and Travis are briefing] Everyone have their morning iced whatevers and their doughy breakfast bready things?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That’s enough, Deirdre. Let’s get into it. There is a lot of work to be done. With the popularity of Barbie’s Instagram page, Barbie fans can connect with the brand more than ever before. But one question lingers. Deirdre?

Deirdre: Who is Ken? [Ken appears in the screen between Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Ken is style. Ken is the ideal boyfriend. Ken is Anglo. Ken is Wall Street. Ken is surf. Ken is sex, but only implied.

Deirdre: So today, we are launching the Instagram page for—

[Cut to interns, Michael, Victoria and Heidi]

Heidi and Victoria: Barbie.

Michael: Deirdre

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: For Ken, damn it.

Deirdre: Breathe Travis. What we need is for you to help us come up with the captions for his Instagram. [Cut to Deirdre and screen with Ken’s picture] So, here’s the first pick. [Cut to Ken’s picture. It looks like he’s looking at a black phone] What do you think Ken would say here?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: How about, ‘This wallet is black’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Oh, it’s not a wallet, it’s a cell phone.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Then why is he staring at it like it’s a wallet?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: He’s taking a selfie. He’s being young and cool.

Deirdre: Michael, what’s your caption for this?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: How about ‘Ken’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Ken? You think Ken would caption his picture? Just ‘Ken’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Right. How about’ Ken’s wallet’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: It’s not a wallet.

Deirdre: Travis just told you he’s taking a selfie.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Well, you can’t do that with a wallet.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Deirdre, help me weather my fury.

Deirdre: It’s okay. Moving on. What’s your caption? [Cut to Victoria] What would Ken say here?

Victoria: Every time I see a picture of myself, I wonder, who am I even for? A I an accessory for Barbie? No more important than her big plastic brush? You know,  I could destroy her with six little words. “I know what’s under the Jacuzzi.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Girl, now you listen to me. Ken has no intention of revealing barbie’s secrets for a profit. Ken is for money.

[Cut to Victoria]

Victoria: Ken is not doing it for the money.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Let’s try another picture.

[Cut to picture of Ken bringing Barbie a piece of cake. Barbie is sitting with her puppy.]

Heidi: Okay. New picture. New wallet. [Cut to Heidi] Me, that lady, and baby raccoon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That lady is Barbie and she would never own a pet raccoon. That is her Yorkie and Barbie is his whole world.

Deirdre: Yes, captions for Ken. Remember? All right, Michael?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: I got it. How about, ‘Ken is there’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Why would Ken say ‘Ken is there’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Because he is. He wants people to know where they could find him.

[Cut to Travis]

Deirdre: Victoria?

Victoria: Somehow there is never [Cut to Victoria] a chair for me. The dog gets to sit and have a macaroon, but not Ken. Should I tell her I know what’s under the Jacuzzi? No, not yet. Save it for the big party right in the middle of her speech.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Listen to me, girl. There is nothing buried under Barbie’s Jacuzzi. I will tell you what’s going on in this picture. Ken bought a macaroon and she reached for her purse and Ken said “No, no, no, no. This is a date.” Then they gave each other a sweet dry kiss period!

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Easy Travis, let’s give this one more good try before we release you permanently. I’ll give you an example. [Cut to picture of Ken, Barbie and another girl] “Oh! Another great party at Barbie’s.”

[Cut to the interns]

Heidi: Oh okay. I got it. ‘I think it’s right behind me. I should tell the raccoon.’

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: I swear to god. If I were a cartoon right now my face would inflate till it popped like a balloon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Michael, please give us a good caption.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: We should invite Ken to the party.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Ken is right there.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Then who is taking the picture.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: I’m sorry. So you think he’s not at the party, but he is taking the picture?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yeah, he’s like that.

[Cut to the interns]

Victoria: Well, the party was last night. I interrupted her speech [Cut to Victoria] and said everyone follow me to the Jacuzzi. They gathered around and when they saw what was there, they were silent. Then they raised their glasses and cheered for Barbie. Later that night she turned to me in bed and asked, Ken whose name is written in pink all over these plastic walls? Is it Ken? I simply whispered, [Whispering] “No. It’s Barbie.” Then she said, “You are lucky I don’t put you outside with the raccoons.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Okay. Well, let’s schedule another meeting for Never-tober.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: I’m sorry, which day in Never-tober? I might have a thing.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: The 36th. We’ll see you there.