Too Hot to Handle

Dom… Devon Walker

Izzy… Ego Nwodim

Glen… Chloe Fineman

Rodney… Travis Kelce

Female voice: Welcome back to too hot to handle, where the actions are all the place, but the premise is simple. Abstain from physical intimacy and you’ll win 200 Gs. Can you believe Netflix has made five seasons of this?

Lana: Good evening, everyone.

No: Hi, Lana.

Lana: I introduced the ground rules of this retreat just 24 hours ago.

Dom: And we’ve been so good, Lana. Me and Izzy haven’t even done nothing.

Izzy: Even though Dom is proper fit, yeah.

Sarah: We haven’t even done hand stuff, and I always do hand stuff.

Bowen: But it’s all gonna be worth it to win this 200 grand.

Lana: Unfortunately, that won’t be happening. Last night there was a rule break costing the villa $3,000.

All: No.

James: [pointing at Dom and Izzy] It was them two, wasn’t it?

Lana: Actually, it was a kiss shared between Rodney and Glen Bechamel.

Glen: Oh, sorry guys. I tried not to kiss Rodney. But then I wanted to. So I did. Guess I’m kind of wild like that.

Izzy: Wait, Rodney. You hooked up with Glenn?

Rodney: I know. We lost the prize money.

James: Yeah, that’s not why we’re shocked.

Izzy: You could have smoked anyone and you went with Glenn.

Rodney: It’s not my fault. There’s something about her. [Glen farts] Listen to her voice.

Glen: Sorry, I had to sneeze.

Lana: There was another rule break last night costing the group $20,000.

All: No.

Lana: It was heavy petting in the grill area between Rodney and Glen Bechamel.

Glen: Sorry.

Rodney: I’m sorry. I’ve just never met anyone like Glen. She’s so unpredictable.

Glen: Rodney made ribs and I let him use my body as a napkin. It doesn’t matter. I picked 16 of these shirts. Rodney told me not to touch the grill. I did it anyway.

Izzy: Okay, maybe this is more of a question for producers but like why is Glenn even here?

Glen: Cuz I’m a horned up single like you guys. I had sex eight times, but who’s counting? Me. I always count, except calories. You are what you eat, so I guess I’m Rodney’s ass.

Rodney: I hope you guys aren’t jealous.

Bowen: No, I’m actually numb from the waist down.

Dom: Glen is so weird and old.

Glen: Actually I’m 28 and I’ve just been through hell.

Lana: Another rule break is happening now.

[Glen is kissing Rodney’s hand]

James: What are they even doing?

Sarah: She’s kissing his arm like she’s gnawing on corn.

Izzy: Is this even a rule break?

Lana: Technically no, but it makes me feel insane. so I’m draining the prize fund. Someone unplug me.

Glen: I guess I’m kind of wild like that.

Garrett from Hinge

Kyra… Heidi Gardner

Travis Kelce

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Kyra: I can’t believe we just did that. Every time you’re in town, you suck me back in.

Travis: It’s because we were meant for each other baby.

Kyra: God, you know I bailed on a date tonight because of you.

Travis: Oh, your bad. Now come on. Should I make some pancakes? That is special recipe.

[Garrett walks in]

Garrett: Hey.

Kyra: Oh my god.

Garrett: Um, what’s up?

Kyra: What are you doing in my house?

Travis: Who is that?

Garrett: Um, I’m Garrett from Hinge. We had plans for seven at Buccacinos.

Travis: What? Kyra This is the guy you blew off?

Garrett: Yeah, afraid so. Now, I’m here and you’re in bed with like, a Hemsworth brother I didn’t know about? How do you think that makes me feel?

Kyra: Dude, you broke into my house? I don’t even know you.

Garrett: Yeah, you do. I’m Garrett from Hinge. AKA the guy who’s been waiting for you a Buccacinos like some kind of Sucka.

Kyra: What is your problem? Leave.

Garrett: Oh my god, this is so overwhelming. I’m gonna go to the bathroom and when I come out, we can figure this all out. Okay?

Kyra: There was nothing to figure out. Okay, we got to call the cops.

Travis: No, you can’t. I’m not supposed to be here. I can’t leave the state because my parole.

Kyra: Wait, what parole?

Garrett: [talking to the mirror] Garrett? I know your feelings are hurt. And that’s hard. But no matter what, you cannot kill them. Okay. [walks out of the bathroom] Alright, I’m back. And I’ve been thinking a lot about it. And I’m open to being a throuple.

Kyra: Yeah, we’re not gonna do that, Garrett.

Garrett: Kyra, tonight. You made me look like an absolute sucker. I left work early to change.

Travis: You changed into that Stewie Griffin t shirt?

Garrett: Can give you some advice, Kyra? If you’re not emotionally available, maybe don’t be on the apps right?

Kyra: Oh my god.

Garrett: Especially Hinge, because Hinge is the app that’s designed to be deleted, right?

Kyra: Okay, will you stop making the same pose as your shirt?

Garrett: Oh, Kyra, Kyra, Kyra. You want a little foot rub?

[Garrett starts rubbing Kyra’s foot]

Kyra: No, don’t rub my foot.

Garrett: Hey, it’s just me, Garrett from Hinge, the dating app for people who hate dating apps.

Kyra: Do you, like, work for Hinge?

Garrett: Hey, this little piggy left me at Buccacinos.

Kyra: No, stop.

Garrett: Oh my God. You know what? I need to use the restroom again. And I don’t mean to make this awkward, but could you please rapid test? There was a plandemic going on.

Kyra: Did he say plandemic?

Garrett: [talking to the mirror] Garrett, I know this is hard, but you cannot kill them. Even though it would be so easy, oh man, I really wish it and bring poison here. Guys! [walks out of the bathroom] You know what? I think I’m just gonna stay the night if that’s cool.

Kyra: No, Garrett, get your psychopath ass out of here now.

Garrett: Dammit, woman! Sorry, that was my Stewie impression.

Travis: No, Garrett, that was actually an amazing Stewie impression. And to be fair, Kyra, you did make him look like a sucker at Buccacinos. So you know what? Maybe we’re in the wrong too now. Get in here with us.

Garrett: Wow. Thanks guys. That’s so nice. Oh.

Travis: Oh damn, I’m positive.

Kyra and Garrett: You took it?

Family Meeting

Dad… James Austin Johnson

Mom… Mom Nwodim

Sucre… Travis Kelce

Dad: Thanks for making the trip kids.

Chloe: Well, when you said it was an emergency, we flew in right away.

Marcello: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking us out. Are you guys okay?

Mom: Oh, we are better than okay.

Dad: Look, the truth is we had a hard time figuring out how to break the news.

Mom: That’s what the song is for.

Devon: The song?

Dad: I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but don’t worry, the song will explain everything.

[music playing]

[Dad and go hold mics]

Dad: [singing] When I think about love
I’m so grateful for the times we have

Mom: A beautiful house
our wonderful children
1000 memories good and bad

Dad: But we’ve been drifted apart from one another
even though we still love each other
but now she’s given our bed to another
but I’m cool with it and watch…
I watch from the corner

Devon: Wait, mom, you’re cheating on Dad?

Mom: God no. Didn’t you hear the part where he said he’s cool with it?

Dad: Yeah, I believe my exact words were I’m cool with it and I watch. I watch from the corner.

Marcello: So who’s the other man?

Chloe: I don’t know. But I would guess it’s the guy sitting in dad’s chair playing Streets of Rage II.

Sucre: What up?

Marcello: God, I’m so confused right now.

Mom: Oh, well I’m so glad you said that.

Dad: Because the next part of the song will explain everything.

[music playing]

Mom: His name is Sucre and he’s a felon
he explored my whole body like Magellan
he plays Streets of Rage II and then he pleasures me in bed

Dad: And I’m cool with it and I watch…
I watch from the corner

Chloe: I don’t understand why you’re so pumped about watching from the corner.

Devon: Yeah, and I’m sorry. His name is Sucre?

Sucre: Yeah, Sucre Willadauski.

Chloe: Well, what? You’re in a throttle now with a guy named Suecre Willadauski?

Sucre: Damn, you guys are being mad annoying right now. How many times your parents have to say this? The next part of the song will explain everything.

Dad: Thank you, Sucre.

Sucre: And by the way, I’m not happy that I just had to stop just now. You distracting me so badly that a guy with a mohawk just punched me and my health window.

Dad: I think you guys should apologize to Sucre about the mohawk guy.

Devon: No, I’m not apologizing to Sucre. You got to tell us what’s actually happening.

Mom: Well, we’re trying to but you keep interrupting.

Sucre: The next part of the song really tpills things out.

[music playing]

[singing] My name spelled S-U-C-R-E- W-O-L-O-D-R-Ski.

Devon: Yo, spelling of your name was not the part we were confused about.

Sucre: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Dad: Yes, Sucre.

Sucre: How are these three kids yours?

Mom: I was on top for him. [for Devon]

Dad: Yeah. And I was on top for her. [for chloe]

Mom: Then we did it on the side one time and he came out. [for Marcello Hernandez]

Marcello: That’s not how it works.

Chloe: Okay, you guys are adults. You can do what you want. I just want to make sure that you didn’t touch the grandkids college funds.

Dad: Of course, we go over that in this next part.

[music playing]

Mom: The money’s all gone now.

Devon: Wait, you gave all the college money to Sucre?

Dad: Sucre this, Sucre that. What do you think of the guitar solo?

Devon: This a nightmare.

Sucre: Guys, I know this is a lot to take in. But I have some good news. I just be Streets of Rage II. This is the best day of my life.

All: Sucre!

Mom: Also, I’m not 100% sure, but I’m almost positive I’m pregnant.

All: Sucre!

Dad: And watch from the corner.

American Girl Café

Shane… Mikey Day

Travis Kelce

Shane: And some more tea for Clara Bell, but make sure Claire Bell knows it’s very hot. Okay?

Girl: Okay.

Sarah: Thank you.

Shane: Thank you.

[There’s a man wearing a pink suit in the cafe sitting with two dolls]

Hi there. Welcome to American Girl cafe. I’m Shane. I’ll be taking care of you this afternoon. I still see you’re waiting on some folks.

Travis: Nope. Gang’s all here.

Shane: Okay. So you’re not waiting for your daughter or niece?

Travis: Nope. Just me and the girls. This is Claire. That’s Isabel. [introducing the dolls]

Shane: Okie dokie. I always start by asking if there are any food allergies I should be aware of?

Travis: No, but this one is doing keto right now.

Shane: Okay. And are you allowed within 1000 feet of the school?

Travis: Yes, why?

Shane: Just a standard question we ask all of our patrons. Can I start you out with something to drink?

Travis: A glass of Rosae. I’ll need a drink to get me through lunch with these two drama queens.

Shane: Okay. Wonderful. I just need to see your ID. So sorry. They make us ask everyone. [Travis gives him his ID] Thanks. And so you don’t have any other names you use, right? This is the name that would appear on any online court documents or registered on any government list?

Travis: That’s the one but the only list you’ll find me on is the hungriest customer list.

Shane: Right? Okay, shall I bring you some menus then?

Travis: No need. I already know what I want. I’ll have a 64 ounce Porterhouse rare.

Shane: Okay, so unfortunately, we do not serve giant steaks here. It’s just a cafe.

Travis: Oh, well, we’ll need menus then. But FYI, don’t bring out any kids menus for the girls. Isabella just had her period and she thinks she’s a woman now.

Shane: Wonderful. Thank you for telling me that. Let me just take a quick look under here. Make sure you’re not aroused. No. All clear. Okay, I’ll be back shortly.

[Sarah walks to Travis with her daughter]

Sarah: Hi, my daughter is shy but she wanted to know if your dolls wanted some of her pizza.

Travis: Thanks. but no thanks. They don’t need the calories, and frankly, neither does your daughter.

Sarah: What did you say to me?

Travis: The truth Honey. Bye now.

Heidi: Hi there. I’m Lucy the manager. Just a safety thing we do here. You mind always keeping both hands on the table? Just so we know you’re not doing anything inappropriate under there. Sorry. It’s a vestige of the COVID era. Enjoy.

[There’s Kenan sitting with his daughter and a doll at the next table]

Kenan: Wow, how cool is this sweetheart? I hope Logan is hungry.

Travis: Oh, check your makeup, girls. Boy alert.

Kenan: Hello, is there a reason that your dolls are looking at us, sir?

Travis: You bring a stud like that in here, he’s gonna turn a few heads.

Kenan: Ha-ha-ha. [to Shane] Excuse me?

Shane: Yes.

Kenan: Yeah. That gentleman at that table-

Shane: Oh, he is here alone. But he seems to be harmless.

Kenan: So he’s not-

Shane: Aroused? No, I checked.

Kenan: Okay. And you’re sure he’s harmless? Because I really don’t like what he’s doing right now.

Travis: Isabelle said she was hot, but I think she just wanted to show her body off.

Kenan: Yeah, he talking about showing up the body of a doll. That’s not my favorite thing I’ve heard today. He’s coming over here. Okay.

[Travis brings his doll and puts it on side of Kenan’s doll]

Travis: Let the flirting begin. Don’t worry, she’s on the pill.

Shane: You know what? Let me just- Darius? Can you?

Darius: Yeah? What’s up? Lucy said we have a possible creeper in here?

Kenan: Yeah, over there.

Darius: Huh. All right. Don’t worry sir. I’m on it

Shane: Thank you so much.

[Darius walks to Sarah]

Darius: [to Sarah] Ay, listen up pervert! You do anything shady in here, we’re gonna have a problem. You understand me?

Sarah: What did you just say to me?

Darius: The truth, honey.

Abby the Ex-Girlfriend

Abby… Heidi Gardner

Graham… Travis Kelce

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Sarah Sherman

Ego: Okay, that movie was wild.

Abby: Yeah, Paddington three was not what I expected.

Sarah: That was cocaine bear.

Abby: Okay, see? I was so worried about Paddington.

Sarah: Shoot, Abby, Graham is here.

Ego: Abby, we can totally leave.

Abby: Look out. It’s been three years. I can be around my ex. I’m totally cool.

[Abby walks to her ex]

Hey, stranger. How are you, Bubba?

Graham: Abby. Hey, it’s it’s been a minute. What’s new?

Abby: I’m actually in the best place I’ve been in a long time. Yeah, I’m with someone new and life is pretty rad. How have you been? You look like hell. Just kidding. Just kidding. You look awesome.

Graham: Yeah, I’ve been good. Working out a lot. Oh, hey, thanks for paying me back about my car getting fixed.

Abby: Yeah, sorry. I do that kettlebell through your windshield. I had a lot to process, but now I can look at you with no attachment. And I think that’s pretty freakin rad.

Madison: Sorry, babe. The line for the bathroom was crazy.

Graham: Madison, this is Abby.

Madison: Oh, hi.

Abby: Oh, you two are together? Well, congrats. You got yourself a stunning girlfriend.

Graham: This is my fiance.

Abby: Your fiance?

[Abby’s eye starts tearing like it’s squirting]

Graham: Abby, are you crying?

Abby: No. Remember, I just had that thing with my eyes where I had to poke it up?

Graham: I don’t, but if you say so.

Abby: Yeah. So how did you two meet?

Graham: We met on a little cruise.

Madison: Well, it wasn’t a cruise for me. I’m a bosun on Below Deck.

Abby: Okay, that’s my dream job.

Graham: Abby, are you okay?

Abby: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s that eye thing again. I’m fine. I might just have to hold them. You guys can kiss if you want. I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Graham: We’re really not trying to kiss this moment.

Madison: So how do you guys know each other?

Abby: Oh my god, girl. How long do you have?

Graham: Abby and I went on one date in 2019.

Abby: Okay, excuse me, we went on three dates. It was dinner and movie and a walk.

Graham: The walk was from dinner to the movie. The whole thing was like two hours.

Abby: Okay, regardless, Graham and I have history. But now I think we’re killing this friends thing, Bubba.

Madison: Well, we’re moving next month, but you’ll have to come visit us if you’re ever in New Orleans.

Abby: Where the Saints Go marching.

Graham: Oh my god. Abby, do you need a tissue?

Abby: No. Because these are happy tears.

Madison: I mean, you know, we’re really happy too. It feels like a great place to raise a kid.

Abby: You’re pregnant? Yes!

Madison: Yes, we’re doing August, but maybe we should talk about something else. I’m starting to feel bad.

Graham: You shouldn’t. It was one date.

Abby: Okay, look. Okay. None of that matters now because like I said, I am in a relationship and it’s so good. He’s a little bit older and he’s totally ripped.

Graham: Abby, that’s great for you. I’m happy.

[Jason Kelce walks in and hugs Abby]

Jason: Hey, Baba, sorry, I’m late. Is this guy bothering you? Do you need me to beat him up? Cuz I definitely could.

Graham: Wait, that’s your boyfriend?  It’s totally cool. [Graham starts becoming teary] Oh my god. It’s totally cool. Oh my god.