Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat
Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon
Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant
Bruce Castor… Mikey Day
Michael Van Der Veen… Pete Davidson
Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight show intro] [Cut to Tucker Carlson in his set] [cheers and applause]
Tucker Carlson: Good evening. Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. I’m your host and human white claw, Tucker Carlson. There’s a lot to cover tonight including impeachment. So, in place of my usual monologue, here’s a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs.
Is AOC hiding in your house right now? Wouldn’t put it past her.
Pronounce for dogs? Come on! Everybody knows they’re boys.
Pixar, is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one!
Well, the impeachment has reached it’s foregoing conclusion with the requital of Donald J. Trump. And tonight’s first guest is a power player in those hearings, please welcome 65 year old teacher’s pet, senator Lindsey Graham.
Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Tucker. It’s a great day for 30% of America and tonight, we party.
Tucker Carlson: Wow. Well Lindsey, you’re obviously very happy bout the verdict.
Lindsey Graham: Look Tucker, this trial was offensive and absurd, like a freaking episode of Rick and Morty. Excuse my foul language. But we all agree of the attack at the Capitol was a horrible thing but just because the rioters were yelling “Fight for Trump” doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could have been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric-stans. I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move pass this and focus on the serious issues as locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.
Tucker Carlson: That’s a great point, Lindsey. It really makes me want to contort my face like I’m thinking.
Lindsey Graham: I just don’t understand why everyone insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart. He is nice. He’s in shape. Last fall, he died of covid and didn’t even tell nobody. And now, everybody’s saying he attempted a coo. He didn’t attempt a coo. He is coo. He’s the coo-lest guy I know.
Tucker Carlson: Yeah. Maybe the coo-est guy ever?
Lindsey Graham: Look, the important thing is the good guys won again and we couldn’t have done it without this bastard, Get in here, Ted Cruz.
Tucker Carlson: Wow, senator Cruz. Welcome to the show.
Ted Cruz: Well thanks, Tucker. [There’s a label below Aidy Bryant that says – Sen. Ted Cruz – Trump said “Wife Ugly”] Wait, whats does it say below me? Oh yeah, that’s what Trump said about my wife. I think she is beautiful but since Trump is the boss, sorry honey, you’re busted.
Tucker Carlson: Just in time for valentine’s day. And can I say, the beard is working.
Ted Cruz: Well, you’d be the first.
Tucker Carlson: Now, Mr. Trump’s defense team got off to a pretty rough start earlier in the week. Can you tell me how you pull this out? And while you talk, I’m going to have a look on my face like a baby like he’s seeing his first balloon.
Ted Cruz: Well, thanks for the question. Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice. “Stop and don’t”.
Lindsey Graham: But overall, Ted and I are proud of Trump’s lawyers who are both partners at the law firm of Salino and Yaks.
Ted Cruz: Damn right. Thanks, Tucker.
Tucker Carlson: Thank you, gentlemen. While we’re on the subject of the Trump defense team, let’s take another look at some of the arguments from earlier.[Cut to Bruce Castor]
Bruce Castor: Hello, senate and other serious people. I want to apologize for being unprepared last time. I was out here wife-butt-decaf. But I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you now. As you all know, I am the lead prosecutor. Nope, sorry. I’m the council. I know of the difference. But as Trump’s meaning– Nope, not right either. Bride’s maid– Nope, sorry. I need a second. Let’s hear it from the prosecution. Wowser, am I right? You all rule. Crushed it. Well, that’s my time.[Bruce Castor storms out and Michael Van Der Veen walks in]
Michael Van Der Veen: Alright. I’ll take it from here. My name is Mr. Van Der Veen. That’s Dutch for “Man of the penis”. So, I’ve heard it all. First off, let me say that I do not want to be here. I am not like you. I’m not from Warshington. I’m a Philly boy. And I said that uver and uver (over and over). And this is the wort thing that’s been in the senate chamber in the history of a couple of weeks. Too many crickets. And now the house wants to bring up witnesses over Zoom? Zoom? I can’t afford to Zoom. You think I’m getting paid for this? And this is supposed to be on my last day. I already bought a non-refundable train ticket back home to Phillyvania Pennsyldelphia. But if they insist on witnesses, I’m going to call some of my own. Like, vice-president Kalua Harris, Anya Presly and Elon Omana. Now, did I mispronounce the names of all these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? You’ll never know. But if you think Donald Trump saying the word ‘fight’ is a crime, I invite you to look at this tape. [cut to video clips of many political personalities and movie dialogs saying ‘fight’] Well said, Jar-Jar, me-so-rest my case.
Tucker Carlson: We now go to our final guest tonight. Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell.
Mitch McConnell: Hello, Tucker.
Tucker Carlson: Now, senator McConnell, why did you vote to acquit Donald Trump?
Mitch McConnell: Because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. That’s why we should have impeached him before back when I said we could.
Tucker Carlson: Well, that logic pretzels out but what do you really think of Trump?
Mitch McConnell: I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst president I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up. Oh, god. That felt good. I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years. I got cracker crumbs in here.
Tucker Carlson: Wow. So, what’s next?
Mitch McConnell: I don’t know about my colleagues, but I plan to reach my hand across the isle and then yank it back and slide across my hair and say, “Too slow.”
Tucker Carlson: That’s beautiful. Thanks for coming, senator. We will be back right after this ad for senior emergency buttons, but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.