Tag: Trial

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial Cold Open

Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon

Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant

Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner

Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson

Tasha… Ego Nwodem

Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor

Jamal… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.

[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]

Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.

Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.

Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.

Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?

Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.

Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?

Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.

Judge: Oh, word?

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.

Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?

Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?

[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]

Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.

Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.

Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?

Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.

[Tasha walks in]

Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?

Leonard Green: Look at this.

Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.

Tasha: Well, who did it then?

Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?

Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.

Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?

Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?

Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.

Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?

Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.

Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?

Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.

Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.

Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?

Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!

Leonard Green: Sophia!

[cut back to the court]

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?

Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?

Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.

Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?

Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.

Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.

[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]

Sophia: Hola. Como estas.

[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.] [speaking Spanish]

Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.

Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.

Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.

Leonard Green: See? I told you.

Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?

Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jamal walks in the room]

Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.

Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.

Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.

Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.

Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.

[cut back to the court]

Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.

Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.

Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Monkey Trial

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Judge Tango… John Mulaney

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Kenan and Melissa at the court]

Melissa: Thanks again for taking my case.

Kenan: How could I not? Your neighbor keeps a wild monkey as a pet in a residential neighborhood? You go over to say hi and get mauled. It’s not right.

Melissa: Do you think we’ll get a settlement?

Kenan: Absolutely. Unless we wind up with the wrong judge.

Police: Oh, yay. Oh, yay. All right, the Honorable Judge Tango presiding.

[Judge Tango walks in like a monkey]

Kenan: Yeah. That’s a tough break. We got the monkey judge.

Melissa: A monkey judge?

Kenan: Yeah, he was appointed last year by that governor who loved pranks and struggling with addiction.

Judge Tango: Please be seated. No one look me in the eye. Do not make any noises that I do not know. I do not feel cornered. So, we can begin. I have decided to allow cameras in this courtroom. However, if I see my image in the monitor, I will think it is a rival monkey. And I will completely lose it. Also let the record show that I’m fairly close to completely losing it. The court recognizes the shape in the blue with the gray. Proceed.

Kenan: Thank you, your honor. My client went to say hello to the defendant and his pet monkey Gumbo.

Judge Tango: No Gumbo.

Kenan: What?

Judge Tango: [pointing at himself] Tango.

Kenan: Yeah, I know. I’m talking about a different monkey.

Judge Tango: Yeah, no Gumbo. Tango.

Kenan: Should I keep going?

Judge Tango: Yeah, but I’m going to throw a little sand to show dominance.

Kenan: Alright, okay, so my client was at the defendant’s house when out of nowhere, his pet monkey grabbed her hat and–

Judge Tango: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Was this the same hat you normally wear? Or was it in any way different?

Melissa: Well, normally, I wear an orange bucket hat. And this time I had on a green baseball cap.

Judge Tango: Let me get this straight. You walked up to this monkey as a different shape. And you expected what? For him to just be cool with that? For you to not feel his insane breath on your face as he broke all the bones in your body with the strength of 30 men?

Kenan: Well, he is in a hanging mood today.

Melissa: Are you sure? He’s smiling?

Kenan: No, he’s baring his teeth.

Melissa: It’s hopeless, who can reason with a judge like this?

Cecily: [wearing protective gears] May the defense approach the bench in a slow deliberate way holding a birthday cake?

Judge Tango: The court recognizes the shape he normally associate with treats.

Cecily: As I approach, your honor, I’d like to notify the court that I am wearing perfume but I am not fruit.

Judge Tango: The court appreciates the clarification. I will take the cake and I will place it on my pile of shredded newspaper. And also I’ll take that shiny thing. [takes the police badge from the police] Let the record show that this shiny thing was his and now it is mine. And so it goes into the newspaper with the cake. And now I have one many things. I know visually what I have.

Cecily: You are the Alpha?

Judge Tango: Yes.

Kenan: Objection. Your Honor. It is obvious that you’re favoring the defense.

Judge Tango: That is ridiculous.

Cecily: Your Honor. I love judge.

Judge Tango: I love you.

Cecily: I love judge.

Judge Tango: You our baby. Judge love baby. Bring judge baby. Judge love you. Judge favored defense.

Melissa: Oh, come on!

Kenan: Yeah, we moved to request a new judge.

Judge Tango: Are you suggesting that I’m not competent? Tango made these pieces match. [showing kids’ stickers] Sure, it was a bit of trial and error, but I did it. I won the juice. I’m getting tired and I feel slightly cornered and this is all getting so, so dangerous. So, I’m just going to dismiss the entire–

Kenan: Wait! Wait! I’d like to call a surprise witness.

Judge Tango: Unless that surprise witness is a ratty old stuffed animal for me to violate, I assure you the court is not interested in being startled.

Kenan: Well, I got some good news for you judge. [pulls out a stuffed animal from behind]

Judge Tango: [happy and jumping] That side wins! That side wins!

Male voice: Next time on Monkey Judge, a public urinator mark the wrong territory and get the maximum penalty. His penis ripped off his body. Monkey Judge.

Second Impeachment Trial Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Bruce Castor… Mikey Day

Michael Van Der Veen… Pete Davidson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight show intro] [Cut to Tucker Carlson in his set] [cheers and applause]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening. Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. I’m your host and human white claw, Tucker Carlson. There’s a lot to cover tonight including impeachment. So, in place of my usual monologue, here’s a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs.

Is AOC hiding in your house right now? Wouldn’t put it past her.

Pronounce for dogs? Come on! Everybody knows they’re boys.

Pixar, is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one!

Well, the impeachment has reached it’s foregoing conclusion with the requital of Donald J. Trump. And tonight’s first guest is a power player in those hearings, please welcome 65 year old teacher’s pet, senator Lindsey Graham.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Tucker. It’s a great day for 30% of America and tonight, we party.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. Well Lindsey, you’re obviously very happy bout the verdict.

Lindsey Graham: Look Tucker, this trial was offensive and absurd, like a freaking episode of Rick and Morty. Excuse my foul language. But we all agree of the attack at the Capitol was a horrible thing but just because the rioters were yelling “Fight for Trump” doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could have been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric-stans. I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move pass this and focus on the serious issues as locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.

Tucker Carlson: That’s a great point, Lindsey. It really makes me want to contort my face like I’m thinking.

Lindsey Graham: I just don’t understand why everyone insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart. He is nice. He’s in shape. Last fall, he died of covid and didn’t even tell nobody. And now, everybody’s saying he attempted a coo. He didn’t attempt a coo. He is coo. He’s the coo-lest guy I know.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. Maybe the coo-est guy ever?

Lindsey Graham: Look, the important thing is the good guys won again and we couldn’t have done it without this bastard, Get in here, Ted Cruz.

Tucker Carlson: Wow, senator Cruz. Welcome to the show.

Ted Cruz: Well thanks, Tucker. [There’s a label below Aidy Bryant that says – Sen. Ted Cruz – Trump said “Wife Ugly”] Wait, whats does it say below me? Oh yeah, that’s what Trump said about my wife. I think she is beautiful but since Trump is the boss, sorry honey, you’re busted.

Tucker Carlson: Just in time for valentine’s day. And can I say, the beard is working.

Ted Cruz: Well, you’d be the first.

Tucker Carlson: Now, Mr. Trump’s defense team got off to a pretty rough start earlier in the week. Can you tell me how you pull this out? And while you talk, I’m going to have a look on my face like a baby like he’s seeing his first balloon.

Ted Cruz: Well, thanks for the question. Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice. “Stop and don’t”.

Lindsey Graham: But overall, Ted and I are proud of Trump’s lawyers who are both partners at the law firm of Salino and Yaks.

Ted Cruz: Damn right. Thanks, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Thank you, gentlemen. While we’re on the subject of the Trump defense team, let’s take another look at some of the arguments from earlier.

[Cut to Bruce Castor]

Bruce Castor: Hello, senate and other serious people. I want to apologize for being unprepared last time. I was out here wife-butt-decaf. But I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you now. As you all know, I am the lead prosecutor. Nope, sorry. I’m the council. I know of the difference. But as Trump’s meaning– Nope, not right either. Bride’s maid– Nope, sorry. I need a second. Let’s hear it from the prosecution. Wowser, am I right? You all rule. Crushed it. Well, that’s my time.

[Bruce Castor storms out and Michael Van Der Veen walks in]

Michael Van Der Veen: Alright. I’ll take it from here. My name is Mr. Van Der Veen. That’s Dutch for “Man of the penis”. So, I’ve heard it all. First off, let me say that I do not want to be here. I am not like you. I’m not from Warshington. I’m a Philly boy. And I said that uver and uver (over and over). And this is the wort thing that’s been in the senate chamber in the history of a couple of weeks. Too many crickets. And now the house wants to bring up witnesses over Zoom? Zoom? I can’t afford to Zoom. You think I’m getting paid for this? And this is supposed to be on my last day. I already bought a non-refundable train ticket back home to Phillyvania Pennsyldelphia. But if they insist on witnesses, I’m going to call some of my own. Like, vice-president Kalua Harris, Anya Presly and Elon Omana. Now, did I mispronounce the names of all these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? You’ll never know. But if you think Donald Trump saying the word ‘fight’ is a crime, I invite you to look at this tape. [cut to video clips of many political personalities and movie dialogs saying ‘fight’] Well said, Jar-Jar, me-so-rest my case.

Tucker Carlson: We now go to our final guest tonight. Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell.

Mitch McConnell: Hello, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Now, senator McConnell, why did you vote to acquit Donald Trump?

Mitch McConnell: Because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. That’s why we should have impeached him before back when I said we could.

Tucker Carlson: Well, that logic pretzels out but what do you really think of Trump?

Mitch McConnell: I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst president I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up. Oh, god. That felt good. I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years. I got cracker crumbs in here.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. So, what’s next?

Mitch McConnell: I don’t know about my colleagues, but I plan to reach my hand across the isle and then yank it back and slide across my hair and say, “Too slow.”

Tucker Carlson: That’s beautiful. Thanks for coming, senator. We will be back right after this ad for senior emergency buttons, but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Impeachment Trial Begins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of United States capital at left top corner.]

Guys! The impeachment trial started this week. Am I crazy or was Adam Schiff on my television for 100 hours straight? Even when I turned the TV off, there still was an outline of him burned into the screen. What happened was democrats spent three days laying out in great detail how they believe president Trump has been egregious abuser of power in American history. And then republicans laid out their defense, the shrug emoji.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an orphanage burn, Mitch McConnell defended his plan for the trial saying the country is waiting to see if we can rise to the occasion. I would maybe say you’re not rising to the occasion considering one senator fell asleep, Ran Paul was dong a crossword puzzle and some republican senators even brought fidget spinners to play with. I assume this symbolize how the founding fathers are spinning in their graves.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You better than Colin. I didn’t watch one minute of that trial. It was like a four day long Powerpoint. This was supposed to be Trump’s punishment, not mine. This whole impeachment is like a bad episode of Morey. There’s all this evidence that Trump clearly cheated and republicans are still like, “But Morey, he loved me.” Trump is so confident he’s gonna win, he’s using Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility, who’s his character witness? R. Kelly?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lindsey Graham also said that president Trump was bored by the whole impeachment trial, which isn’t a surprise since Trump typically loses focus halfway through his own sentences. For example, here he is this week talking about Elon Musk.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on CNBC interview]

Donald Trump: He’s also doing the rockets. He likes rockets. He does good at rockets too, by the way. And I was worried about him because he’s one of our great geniuses and we have to protect our geniuses. We have to protect Thomas Edison.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: We have to protect Thomas Edison? I think that’s a line Nick Cage yells in National Treasure.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden then rejected the idea of testifying in the impeachment trial saying, “I want no part of that.” While, his son Hunter Biden said, “Wait, how much does it pay?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the logo of democrats at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean, maybe I’m paranoid but I’m starting to think democrats actually want Trump to stay in office. Coz every time he does something crazy and racist, they’re like, “Oh, no. Don’t do that.” I mean, you’re telling me that United States government can’t figure out how to remove a crazy dictator? We’ve been practicing all over the world for like 100 years. We’re kind of famous for it. That’d be like Jamaica forgot how to unwind!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lev Parnas at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And now, a recording a service to president Trump telling adult cabbage patch doll Lev Parnas that he wanted the former ambassador to Ukraine fired. Here is the audio.

[Cut to president Trump’s subtitles to the recording]

Donald Trump: Get rid of her. Get her out tomorrow. I don’t care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. Okay?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Take her out? I would maybe choose the words more carefully when you’re talking to someone who looks like [Picture changes to Lev Parnas] a professional car bomber. Also, how was a random person able to secretly record the president on his phone. I mean they take a way your phone if you go to see Dave Chappelle do stand up.

And speaking of recordings, [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani on Friday launched a podcast called ‘Rudy Giuliani common sense’ in which he offers his defense of president Trump. It’s the first podcast ever recorded and uploaded accidentally from a pan’s pocket. The title of the first episode is, I swear to god, ‘Since no crimes exist, it must be dismissed.” And according to reviewers, Rudy was once highly regarded but now seems mildly retar– No, I can’t read that.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I would have said it!

Weekend Update End of Impeachment Trial

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of impeachment at left top corner.]

Well, the impeachment trial is basically over. As a sense, I could have said two weeks ago when the trial began. We didn’t even get to hear any of the witnesses in this trial. And by the way, look the witnesses we could have had. You don’t wanna hear anything from thee guys? They look like two characters in a video game who give you the best information. My questions for them aren’t even about Trump. My questions are like, “What’s your deal? Walk us through a typical day. What kind of food do you eat? Is it human food?”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and United States Capitol]

It was reported that President Trump pushed for the vote to be on Tuesday so that he could boast about his acquittal during the state of the union, but now experts are saying that Trump might strike a more humble tone. And we actually have an advance copy of his speech.

[Cut to a video clip of a man b-boying in front of the United States Capitol. The boy’s face is edited into Donald Trump’s face.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked in February at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Ah! What better way to start black history month than to be failed by the justice system. Why was this impeachment ever a good idea? We would have been better off just yelling, “Citizens arrest!” [Picture changes to Alan Dershowitz] And why didn’t we get Alan Dershowitz? This dude was amazing. He somehow convinced the court that a president should be allowed to break the law as long as it’s good for the country. That’s like telling your girl you only cheated to practice being good at sex for her. You know what? That’s it! I’m a republican now. I’m tired of losing. I can’t be a democrat and a Knicks fan. This is too much heart rate, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ken Starr at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump’s other attorney was Clinton impeachment prosecutor Ken Starr who said that, “Presidential impeachment has become a weapon to be wielded against one’s political opponent.” Which is a “So hypocritical even a guy like Ken Starr has to be ashamed to make it.” Maybe that’s why he showed up to the trial looking like [Picture changes to Ken Starr at the day of impeachment] a priest walking into a porno theater.

[Picture changes to John Bolton]

In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If you’re friend’s about to get murdered, you don’t go off and right a novel called, “The killer behind you”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Palestinian flag and Mahmoud Abbas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Palestinian president has rejected Trump’s middle east peace plan saying “1,000 nos to the deal.” Incidentally, 1,000 nos is what Trump calls consent.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump’s son in law Jared Kushner who I think played Lube Man in Watchman, he has been working on middle east peace plan for nearly three years. So, I’m sure he is evenly considered the feelings on both sides.

[Cut to Jared Kushner speaking on CNN news]

Jared Kushner: The Palestinian leadership have to ask themselves a question. Do they wanna have a state? Do they wanna have a better life? If they don’t, then they’re gonna screw up another opportunity like they have screwed up every other opportunity that they’ve ever had in their existence.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? Sounds like someone’s dad is about to bulldoze the community center. That clip is so gross. I have never seen a self entitled, over confident white guy, and I’m me.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amy Klobuchar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Amy Klobuchar has been getting a lot of attention during Iowa Caucuses for bringing her families Tater Tot Hot Dish to event. Co-incidentally, Tater Tot Hot Dish is the name of the guy [Picture changes to Joe Biden] Joe Biden wrestled at a public pool in 1962

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pompeo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Secretary of State Mike Pompeo screamed at an NPR reporter because she asked him questions about the Ukraine scandal. Then Pompeo demanded that the reporter point out Ukraine on a map which she easily did. Worse, Pompeo then responded, “Wait, that one is Ukraine?”