Beth… Heidi Gardner
Caspar… Mikey Day
Pri… Cecily Strong
Myles… Kyle Mooney
Tyson… Beck Bennett
Aidy Bryant
Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell
Tabby… Ego Nwodim
Camdan… Bowen Yang
Trinity… Kenan Thompson
Tech director… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]
Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.
Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.
Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.
Caspar: I know.
Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?
[everybody laughing]
Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.
Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.
[Cut to everybody]
Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]
Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.
Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”
Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.
Aidy: Yeah!
[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]
Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.
[Cut to Beth]
Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.
[Cut to the actors]
Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.
[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]
[Cut to the actors]
Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.
Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.
[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]
[Cut to the actors]
Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.
[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]
Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.
[Cut to Miles]
Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.
[Cut to Miles]
Miles: Well, then, yes sir.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.
[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]
Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Tyson: Sorry sir.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Pri: Um, no comments.
Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Tyson: Absolutely.
Pri: Whatever it takes.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?
[Cut to Tabby]
Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!
[Cut to Caspar]
Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.
[Cut to Caspar]
Caspar: Yes!
[singing]
There goes the baker with his tray like always
[Cut to everybody]
Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.
[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.
[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]
Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]
Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]
[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]
Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.
[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]
Everybody: Oh! No!
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.
[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]
Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!
Everybody: Oh!
[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]
Mr. Koneg: Back up please!
Caspar: What are you doing?
Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.
[Trinity walks in]
Everybody: Trinity!
Mr. Koneg: Shh!
[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]
Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.
Everybody: No! Oh my god!
[The actors try to look at the list]
Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.
[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]
Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.
Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.
[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]
Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?
Everybody: What? No!
[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]
Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!