Cut for Time: Cast List

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Caspar… Mikey Day

Pri… Cecily Strong

Myles… Kyle Mooney

Tyson… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell

Tabby… Ego Nwodim

Camdan… Bowen Yang

Trinity… Kenan Thompson

Tech director… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]

Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.

Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.

Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.

Caspar: I know.

Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?

[everybody laughing]

Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.

Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.

[Cut to everybody]

Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]

Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.

Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”

Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.

Aidy: Yeah!

[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]

Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.

[Cut to the actors]

Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.

[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.] [Cut to the actors]

Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.

Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.] [Cut to the actors]

Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.

[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]

Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, then, yes sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.

[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]

Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Sorry sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Pri: Um, no comments.

Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.] [Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Absolutely.

Pri: Whatever it takes.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?

[Cut to Tabby]

Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes!


There goes the baker with his tray like always

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.

[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg] [Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]

Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]

Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list] [Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]

Everybody: Oh! No!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]

Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!

Everybody: Oh!

[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Back up please!

Caspar: What are you doing?

Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.

[Trinity walks in]

Everybody: Trinity!

Mr. Koneg: Shh!

[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]

Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.

Everybody: No! Oh my god!

[The actors try to look at the list]

Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.

[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]

Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.

Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.

[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]

Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?

Everybody: What? No!

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!

Locker Room – SNL

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Trinity… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with audience cheering in the football ground]

Announcer: And that’s the half.

[Cut to locker room]

Coach: What’s with the chatter, huh? Put your damn phones away. We still have half the game to play.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Coach, it’s 48-3, man. It’s over.

[Cut to coach]

Coach: Hey. You all are Pembroke Corgi Dogs. Corgi Dogs don’t back down from a fight. They bark. Rah, rah, rah, rah! We can still do this. I’ve been through worse and I’ve come out on top.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: You have?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Hell yes. It was my senior year. October 1st, 1979. [Music playing] At the half we were down 77-3. We thought all hope was lost. And I’ll never forget what my coach said.

[Music stops] [Trinity comes with her eyes closed]

Trinity: Uh-oh, girl coming through don’t be naked. Oh, hey baby.

[Heidi looks at the players]

Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Are you doing the big talk?

Coach: Yeah, baby. I’m doing the big talk. Hey, Corgi Dogs, this is my new wife, Trinity. She’s just passing by.

Trinity: Hi, guys.

Everybody: Hi, miss Trinity.

Trinity: Sorry to interrupt. [Cut to Trinity and Coach] I was just looking for the little metal man with the snickers.

Coach: Yeah. The vending machine’s right down the hall.

Trinity: Okay. All right. I’m gonna bounce. And babe, real quick, is your thing okay?

Coach: What?

Trinity: Your thing. Like your thing.

Coach: Yeah. Trinity, my thing is okay.

Trinity: Okay, but you remember the sound it made?

Coach: Yes, I remember the sound.

Trinity: Is it still making that sound?

Coach: No, it’s fine now.

Trinity: Oh, okay. He back. Well, good luck, you guys. [Cut to everybody] And remember, keep it safe out there. Always helmet to helmet.

Coach: All right. Now, [Cut to Coach] like I was saying, we’ve got to focus on the fundamentals.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Sorry, coach, but I can’t stop thinking about what’s up with your thing?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey[

Kenan: Yeah, coach, what’s up with that thing?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Look, you all don’t need to worry about my thing. Okay? I’ll worry about my thing for all of us. [Music palaying] Because if I know one thing, in my heart of hearts, it’s that these—

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: how did I get back in here?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Miss Trinity, what sound did his thing make?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Oh, it sounded like Mickey Duck.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Mickey Duck? Who’s Mickey Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: You know, not space jam Duck. The Mickey Duck, the one with the fat ass.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: You mean Donald Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Yeah, yeah. It was like … (making sounds]

Coach: Trinity, come on.

Trinity: What? I’m the one who had to push the vein back in.

Players: What?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: Trinity, leave.

Trinity: Okay. Fine. Good luck, you guys. I used to cheer here. Class of ’18.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey confused]

Kenan: Hey, when did you get remarried?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: And how old is she? If you do the math—

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Don’t do the math! Guys—

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Guys, the vein was out?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Enough. I need you to focus. Now, [Music starts] let’s get our heads in the game, our eyes on the prize, and our feet –

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: Okay, hold up. Are y’all following me or am I back in the same room?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Miss Trinity, when you say the vein was out –

[Cut to everybody]

Trinity: I mean it was out. It was like [dancing] mm-mm, and then the top was like folded and then he said call my grandma, she’ll know what to do.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Why would your grandma know what to do, coach?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: She’s known my body the longest.

[Cut to Coach]

Kenan: And with that I quit.

[Kenan leaves]

Coach: Babe, look what you did. Leave. I can’t have you talking to me on the job.

Trinity: Oh, okay. Big man acting tough because his thing’s all in one piece again. Okay, well, don’t come crawling back to me when that thing screams (making sounds) which we know it’s going to happen, and it’s we know it’s going to fall off because we know that’s where it’s headed. Bye guys.

Coach: It’s not going to fall off! All right. Listen. I need you all to stop worrying about my thing and get your heads back in the game. [Music playing] Because if there’s one thing I know—[Quack] You’ve got to keep fighting no matter what.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Coach, I think your thing making that sound.

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: I know. You know what it’s saying? Win. [Quack} Win the game. [Quack, quack, quack] [Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah! Let’s go. Whoo! Oh, yeah. That’s clean off.

[Players all ready to go]

Coach: Oh, yeah! That’s clean off!