Please Don’t Destroy – Road Trip

Jenna: I’ve just been doing a lot of press and these different jobs. Don’t get me wrong. I’m really really grateful. It’s just I’m starting to feel a little burnt out.

John: Oh, that sucks. Martin, are you ready with the playlist?

Martin: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, and I got the Slurpee.

Martin: Dude, nice.

Jenna: I’m sorry. What do you guys doing?

Ben: We’re going on a beautiful cross country American Road Trip.

John: Just us and the open road. It’s gonna be awesome.

Jenna: Wait, can I come?

[music palying]

All: [singing] Hit the open road and catch your ride
arms getting tan on the sunny side
John: I’m on the wheel

Martin: I’m on map

Ben: I’m on snacks

All: And Jenna’s job is to just relax
on a road trip
a great American road trip

we’re going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip
roll down the windows–

Martin: We missed the exit.

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: Okay, just look out for the next one. Need a little heads up?

Martin: Yeah. Okay. It’s just full hard doing music and that.

Ben: Price of being shotgun.

John: Yeah, no, no, it’s fine. Just let’s try to focus on Nav, alright?

Martin: Okay. Yeah. Focus on the Nav.

John: Yeah, thanks.

Martin: [in small voice] You’re not in charge of me.

[music playing]

All: Nod to convertibles when they pass
moon a trucker, put your cheeks on the glass
punch when you’re green, punch when you’re red
see a sign that says we’re going to hell
on a road trip
a great American roadtrip-

Ben: [to Jenna] Sorry, can we cool it with the Slurpee for a second? It’s just right in my ear.

Jenna: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Ben: It’s okay. I’m happy to buy everyone a Slurpee, but you’re just sucking on the- [Jenna doesn’t stop slurping] There’s none left.

Jenna: Okay! Can you scoot over? Your leg hair keeps pressing me.

Ben: Yeah, fine. I’ll move my leg.

Jenna: [checking her phone] Did you just Venmo request me for the Slurpee?

Ben: I don’t have any money, so.

[music playing]

All: Going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip-

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: We missed the god damn exit again, Martin?

Martin: I’m sorry, man. I’m getting like a ton of texts.

John: Who could you be texting that isn’t in this car right now?

Martin: It was my mom, man. My dad had a stroke.

Ben: I’m so sorry.

Martin: So yeah, [yelling] sorry I’m not focusing on the Nav.

[silence]

Martin: I don’t know why I said that. He did not have a stroke.

John: Liar.

Ben: C’mon man.

John: Everybody, we’re having quiet time. Read a book or something.

[music playing]

All: Finally time to chill, I can do what I want
Dive into the new Michelle Obama

Jenna: I’m gonna puke.

John: Do not puke in my car, dude.

Jenna: I get carsick from reading.

Margin: Exit coming up in 1.2 miles.

Jenna: Pull over right now.

Ben: Well, you shouldn’t have sucked down that Slurpee so fast.

Jenna: Shut up, Ben.

Martin: 0.3 miles.

John: Mart, that means nothing to me.

Martin: You told me to focus on the Nav.

Jenna: Oh my god, it’s happening.

Martin: No, no, no, no.

[Jenna pukes Slurpee on car window.]

John: God, we’re going home.

[singing] Late at night and I feel so free
everyone’s asleep except for me
big bright moon hanging in the sky
NAV in my lap and-

[John looks back, and then hits a guy crossing the street]

Ben: What just happened?

John: Nothing. Go back to sleep, everybody. Thanks.

[police siren]

Will you turn the AC on?

Martin: Hot or cold?

John: Both.

[The billboard with Jesus’s picture talks to John]

Jesus: I saw what you did.

All: On a road trip..

Frat Trip

Beck Bennett

Pledge… Andrew Dismukes

Austin… Chris Redd

Matt… Bowen Yang

Gael… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

Daniel Kaluuya

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of college boys hanging out]

Beck: Oh, Pledge!

[Pledge walks in wearing a baby hat]

Pledge: Yes, Ford.

Beck: Go to the Pi Phi sorority house and take a number two in their downstairs bathroom.

Pledge: As you command. Oh, man. Those girls are so pretty.

[Pledge walks out] [Austin walks in]

Austin: Yo, second dose, mother-suckers. It’s official! Austin is vaccinated!

All: Yeah!

Matt: We need to celebrate.

Gael: Yeah. Yo! I have a bomb idea. Weekend before finals, we should rent a house in Tahoe.

All: Yeah!

Matt: If we do that, I will do coke. Okay? I know I was super anti-coke earlier in the year, but I’ll do it. Someone else has to buy it though.

Alex: Okay. Let’s Airbnb a bombass place.

Pete: Ay, should we tell Brit and those girls to come?

Daniel: Yeah. We could invite our moms.

Austin: [shocked] You said moms?

Daniel: Yeah, it’s mother’s day weekend, man. What better way to celebrate than spending time with their sons? This is dope! Let’s do it!

Kyle: Yeah, I’m not really feeling the mom aspect of the plan. But I like everything else.

Gael: Yeah. Alright, we doing this then. I’ll start looking for a place.

Kyle: I’ll text them honeys, let them know Tahoe’s going off.

Daniel: I’ll get a Facebook group chat going with the moms so that they can connect with each other.

Gael: Yeah. Maybe hold off on that chat because I don’t know if the group’s feeling the ‘mom’ thing, dude!

Beck: Oh, yo! Dude! Oh my god! Yo!! T-shirts that say ‘Sigma Delta Tahoe Trip 21.

Kyle: That’s so baller! Rolling up in our shirts like, “Sup, Tahoe?”

Daniel: My mom’s a size medium.

Matt: Yo, my mom will say she’s a medium but get her a large.

Gael: Yo, stop! I don’t know how the ‘mom’ thing is gaining traction. Right? No moms, right?

Pete: Yeah. Everybody Venmo me 50 bucks and I’ll make a Cosco run. What do we want?

Alex: Beers, pal. Like Bud and fancy one like Amstel.

Beck: Yeah, get one of those big plastic vodka handles too.

Daniel: And maybe grab like, a couple of 24 packs of Activia for the moms.

Pete: Oh, good call. What flavor?

Kyle: Ayo! Brit’s asking me if the girls’ moms are invited too?

Daniel: Hell, yeah! More moms, the merrier.

Gael: Yo! No! No more mom talk. Because the more the mom stuff comes up, the more the moms become the part of this plan in everyone’s head. This is a Sigma Delta trip. Alright? Let’s focus. So, Thursday night, we get there. Like, we drop our bags. I feel like we go out right away.

Alex: Yeah. Boys’ night out!

Austin: Yeah. Because the moms are going to be tired from traveling. So they’ll probably want to chill at the house.

Daniel: True. Specially if someone’s flying in.

Gael: Guys, stop.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah. You can rent a pontoon boat for Austin0 people.

Matt: [hyper excited] Yes! Yes! Let’s ride one. We have to. Let’s ride one. Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Beck: We will, Matt. Chill.

Pete: Hey, do pontoon boats have sun shade thing on the top? Because my mom won’t go unless she sits on the shade.

Daniel: Yeah. My mom wouldn’t be feeling that direct sun either, man.

Gael: Yeah. It doesn’t matter if they’re not feeling it because they’re not coming, right? You’re not going to want them there by the way when we’re chilling here in our house for the weekend! [showing everyone the rented house on laptop]

All: Oh! Yeah!

Daniel: And Jinx! I give you the moms on a group FaceTime call.

[puts the video call on TV]

Moms: We are so excited!

Kate: Brad! Honey, you look skinnier. You eating?

Aidy: Dylan, you need to sleep more. You look exhausted.

Cecily: Gael, I’m going to wear a two piece bathing suit. Will that embarrass you?

Gael: I mean, I don’t know. It kind of would, mom.

Cecily: Well, I’m wearing it!

Daniel: This weekend’s gonna be epic!

Gael: No! No, it’s not, dude! It’s gonna suck!

[Cut to picture of Gael and his mom enjoying the party getting drunk.]

 

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Asia Trip

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marking 11th of November at left top corner.]

Well, it’s veteran’s day and Donald Trump celebrated by finally going to Vietnam. First lady Melania Trump stayed behind in China to visit the Beijing zoo while Trump continued on to Vietnam where he met with Russian president Vladimir Putin in their best Hillary Clinton blouses. During the meeting, Putin denied meddling in the election and Trump said he believes him. But keep in mind, Trump also believed his wife when she said she was staying behind to visit the zoo. That’s my favorite new excuse for when you don’t want to hang out with someone. “Oh, man, I’d love to. But I got zoo stuff.”

During a speech in South Korea, president Trump warned North Korea to not under estimate us and do not try us. Which sounds tough, but then he immediately left the country. It’s like if in Braveheart, [Picture changes to William Wallace from the movie Braveheart] William Wallace ended his speech with, “And they will never take our freedom. Anyway, I gotta run. Zoo stuff. Peace.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Earlier this week, North Korea issued a statement calling president Trump a lunatic old man. And few hours ago, Trump responded by tweeting, “Why would Kim Jong-Un insult me by calling me old, when I would never call him short and fat?” Now, a lot of times Donald Trump goes way over the line with his tweets. But this time, that was pretty damn funny. I mean look at how vein and catty he is. They’re like, “You lunatic old man.” And he’s like, “Old?”

President miss thing also said that this week’s shooting in Texas isn’t a gun situation but a mental health problem at the highest level. But why can’t it be both? I mean, why can’t it be that because we have a mental health problem, we now have a gun situation? Just like how because my little cousin has a crack problem, my aunt now has a missing silverware situation.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people walking in cold at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: well, it’s a good weekend to stay inside since it’s 20 degrees out and everyone you ever heard of is a sex monster.

[Picture changes to Roy Moore]

Alabama republican senate candidate Roy Moore has been accused of having inappropriate sexual relations when he was in his 30s with several teenage girls. Now, I’m not saying he’s guilty but his naughty little cowboy outfit is screaming it. He looks like a guy who shows up to ‘West world’ and he is like, “Hey, can someone show me where the middle school is? [Michael Che laughing] And how are we still surprised that someone who puts up the ten commandments everywhere doesn’t actually follow them? What’s next? It turns out the guy who always jokes about masturbating wasn’t joking about masturbating? [Picture changes to Louis C.K.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright.Alabama state auditor Jim Zeigler defended Roy Moore using Mary and Joseph examples saying “Mary was a teenager, Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus.” Oh, word? So, that’s what you’re going with? Roy Moore was trying to make a Jesus? Okay. So, I guess, R Kelly was just trying to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.