Fond Du Lac

Trish Wisnouski… Cecily Strong

Joe Bush… Jonah Hill

Barb Von Stoppin… Aidy Bryant

Mary Pate… Vanessa Bayer

Ron… Taran Killam

Ted Larson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Fond Du Lac: Action News intro]

Male voice: You’re watching South Eastern Wisconsin award winning news team. Top of the hour from the bottom of the lake. This is Fond Du Lac, action news.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: I’m Trish Wisnouski.

Joe: And I’m Joe Bush.

Trish and Joe: And here’s your news Fond Du Lac

Trish: Let’s get to tonight’s top story.

[Cut to Trish. There’s a picture of a person in jail suit at left top corner.]

Trish: Outrage as the hearing date’s been sat to determine where recently released sex offender Jim Hansel Love.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Oh, god! I hope he doesn’t get Judge Brigs, coz she fined me 300 bucks for going through a stop and go light by that Pizzahut that I know is yellow.

Trish: Joe? Yellow? I’ve driven with you. Come on!

Joe: On to our next story. [Cut to Joe] Rumors are swirling about a possible cancellation of this year’s annual Winterfest. Our very own Barb is at the fair grounds. Let’s go to her live.

[Cut to split screen]

Barb: Hi there, Trish and Joe.

Trish: Hey, Barb.

Joe: What’s happening there, Barb? Because my friend John Willer from snow mobile place called me and said this is a big mess and I said, “Yeah, I know.”

Trish: Yeah. My friend Jana calls me, “There’s gotta be a solution.” I go, “Well, what is it?” She goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Okay.”

Joe: Good point. Thank you for that report Barb. Keep us posted.

Barb: Yeah. No problem. Back to you guys.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Alright, so, what now? Should we do weather one?

Joe: Yes, sounds good. Let’s go to Mary with the weather. Hey, what are we looking at, Mary?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Um, you know what guys? Who can tell what the weather is going to do, you know? One day it’s freaking snowing, and the next day I got all the windows down in my navigator.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Oh, you got the navigator?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Yes, we got the navigator

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Oh, you like it? Didn’t I tell ya?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Yeah, I like it. Yeah. It’s a 2010 navigator.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Yeah, where did you get it at?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Oh, yeah, Don Schlender’s Auto and cycles.

[Cut to Trish]

Trish: Oh, yeah. Don’s. Where they caught the sex offender in his Kia.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: You know, I never was a fan of Kia, and it’s not entirely a Korean thing.

Trish: Actually you know, My first bus front was Korean. He didn’t speak a word of English, but she had a stand up pole and she always brought me like, weird gum to school. And you know, I think her sister kind of drowned or something at pool and that’s why they moved away.

Joe: Hah! So, that was the weather. Okay, Fond Du Lac, it’s time to learn your lotto number is at anyone near Fond Du Lac

Trish: As always, here to pull the number is Mr. Ron Durusek. He’s been doing this since 1972.

Joe: Yeah, we just had his 90th birthday party over there at the McDonald’s right where the sex offender was showing people his thing.

Trish: Okay, Ron, you ready?

[Cut to Ron]

Ron: Yes. First number, it’s a one. First number’s a one.

Joe: Okay, well actually that’s a seven. Ron can’t see too good.

Ron: Second ball, we got 11.

Joe: Yeah, that’s a 14.

Ron: Lucky 11! And third ball, oh-oh! 69. I had to say it. It’s on the ball.

Joe: It’s a two. Not a 69.

Ron: 69.

Joe: It’s two.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Okay, okay, Ron.

Ron: 69!

Trish: Okay, got ya’. He knew that wasn’t a 69. He does that everytime.

Joe: Okay. Let’s go to Ted Larson with sports. What you got, Ted?

[Cut to Ted]

Ted: Well, the Badgers won Michigan bad. And that was the only game I got to see this week coz I got a troubled son. He called his mother a B and kicked me in my D, and then he told the neighbors to mind their f-ing business or they can eat his dirty A. You know.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: That was sports. Thanks Ted.

Trish: Alright, well that’s your news Fond Du Lac and it looks like it’s lunch time.

[someone passes food to Trish and Joe]

So, we got, what’s this? California carb.

Joe: That’s not mine. I don’t eat salads.

[Ted walks in to check his lunch too]

[The End]