Trish Wisnouski… Cecily Strong
Joe Bush… Jonah Hill
Barb Von Stoppin… Aidy Bryant
Mary Pate… Vanessa Bayer
Ron… Taran Killam
Ted Larson… Beck Bennett[Starts with Fond Du Lac: Action News intro]
Male voice: You’re watching South Eastern Wisconsin award winning news team. Top of the hour from the bottom of the lake. This is Fond Du Lac, action news.[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Trish: I’m Trish Wisnouski.
Joe: And I’m Joe Bush.
Trish and Joe: And here’s your news Fond Du Lac
Trish: Let’s get to tonight’s top story.[Cut to Trish. There’s a picture of a person in jail suit at left top corner.]
Trish: Outrage as the hearing date’s been sat to determine where recently released sex offender Jim Hansel Love.[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Joe: Oh, god! I hope he doesn’t get Judge Brigs, coz she fined me 300 bucks for going through a stop and go light by that Pizzahut that I know is yellow.
Trish: Joe? Yellow? I’ve driven with you. Come on!
Joe: On to our next story. [Cut to Joe] Rumors are swirling about a possible cancellation of this year’s annual Winterfest. Our very own Barb is at the fair grounds. Let’s go to her live.[Cut to split screen]
Barb: Hi there, Trish and Joe.
Trish: Hey, Barb.
Joe: What’s happening there, Barb? Because my friend John Willer from snow mobile place called me and said this is a big mess and I said, “Yeah, I know.”
Trish: Yeah. My friend Jana calls me, “There’s gotta be a solution.” I go, “Well, what is it?” She goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Okay.”
Joe: Good point. Thank you for that report Barb. Keep us posted.
Barb: Yeah. No problem. Back to you guys.[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Trish: Alright, so, what now? Should we do weather one?
Joe: Yes, sounds good. Let’s go to Mary with the weather. Hey, what are we looking at, Mary?[Cut to Mary]
Mary: Um, you know what guys? Who can tell what the weather is going to do, you know? One day it’s freaking snowing, and the next day I got all the windows down in my navigator.[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Joe: Oh, you got the navigator?[Cut to Mary]
Mary: Yes, we got the navigator[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Trish: Oh, you like it? Didn’t I tell ya?[Cut to Mary]
Mary: Yeah, I like it. Yeah. It’s a 2010 navigator.[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Joe: Yeah, where did you get it at?[Cut to Mary]
Mary: Oh, yeah, Don Schlender’s Auto and cycles.[Cut to Trish]
Trish: Oh, yeah. Don’s. Where they caught the sex offender in his Kia.[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Joe: You know, I never was a fan of Kia, and it’s not entirely a Korean thing.
Trish: Actually you know, My first bus front was Korean. He didn’t speak a word of English, but she had a stand up pole and she always brought me like, weird gum to school. And you know, I think her sister kind of drowned or something at pool and that’s why they moved away.
Joe: Hah! So, that was the weather. Okay, Fond Du Lac, it’s time to learn your lotto number is at anyone near Fond Du Lac
Trish: As always, here to pull the number is Mr. Ron Durusek. He’s been doing this since 1972.
Joe: Yeah, we just had his 90th birthday party over there at the McDonald’s right where the sex offender was showing people his thing.
Trish: Okay, Ron, you ready?[Cut to Ron]
Ron: Yes. First number, it’s a one. First number’s a one.
Joe: Okay, well actually that’s a seven. Ron can’t see too good.
Ron: Second ball, we got 11.
Joe: Yeah, that’s a 14.
Ron: Lucky 11! And third ball, oh-oh! 69. I had to say it. It’s on the ball.
Joe: It’s a two. Not a 69.
Joe: It’s two.[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Trish: Okay, okay, Ron.
Trish: Okay, got ya’. He knew that wasn’t a 69. He does that everytime.
Joe: Okay. Let’s go to Ted Larson with sports. What you got, Ted?[Cut to Ted]
Ted: Well, the Badgers won Michigan bad. And that was the only game I got to see this week coz I got a troubled son. He called his mother a B and kicked me in my D, and then he told the neighbors to mind their f-ing business or they can eat his dirty A. You know.[Cut to Trish and Joe]
Joe: That was sports. Thanks Ted.
Trish: Alright, well that’s your news Fond Du Lac and it looks like it’s lunch time.[someone passes food to Trish and Joe]
So, we got, what’s this? California carb.
Joe: That’s not mine. I don’t eat salads.[Ted walks in to check his lunch too] [The End]