Weekend Update- Tammy the Trucker on Gas Prices and Definitely Not Abortion

Colin Jost

Tammy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With so many midterm races tightening, it’s hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls – social issues or economic concerns? Here to comment is Tammy the trucker who promises she’s here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What?

[Tammy slides in holding a big steering wheel]

Tammy: Hey, peep peep. Hey there, Colin, it’s me, Tammy the trucker. Breaker, breaker, Big Mama over.

Colin Jost: Wow, Tammy. So, you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices. I guess that makes sense to me.

Tammy: Yes, I thought it would Colin Jost. That’s why I’m here. Tammy the trucker.

Colin Jost: And what was that about not talking about abortion?

Tammy: No, no, no. Breaker, breaker, double dipper, I got a big daddy on my tail. And all I’m here to talk about is gas even though the Supreme Court said Roe v. Wade did that big pitstop in the sky. Peep peep. Yeah, 50 years of precedent. Peep peep. Both.

Colin Jost: Cecily, are you okay? It seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion.

Tammy: Calm your cooter down, Beaver Caniver. I’m Tina the trucker, whatever name I gave you. I gotta be in Rancho Cuca Roomba by nightfall.

Colin Jost: Rancho Cuca Roomba? Cecily. What are you doing?

Tammy: I don’t know, Colin. I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? Gas prices are up and families are really hurting. But that’s not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. We’re in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. Honk honk, breaker breaker. But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. It’s not really magic because they told us that’s exactly what they’re gonna do. And they’ve been doing it. Breaker breaker. Big Daddy. I got a double nickel on the big slab.

Colin Jost: Did you just Google trucker terms?

Tammy: Oh, like research? Yeah. Here, hold that. [gives Colin Jost her steering wheel] Keep it. Look, I want to talk about abortion on live TV or Peacock, whatever that count says. These are scary times okay? Because they don’t want to just take away access to health care. They want to criminalize it too. I mean, it’s so bad, us truckers are all out here warning each other, delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I’m wearing my bad underwear. But I can’t, in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime. A Rooba!

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s a Rooba. I think it’s Ooga.

Tammy: Do you have something against? You are riding my ass. My point is— [pulls back the steering wheel] Give me that. My point is you shouldn’t have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. Peep peep. Beep beep beep beep. Colin, check my rear. Am I clear? My rear clear? I’m backing up about 50 years into the past.

Colin Jost: Okay, I got that. I got that.

Tammy: Yeah, I know it’s been fun for you. Okay, let me give you some little trucker toys. Okay? Yeah, here you go. Here’s a nudie mag. And here’s this.

Colin Jost: Oh, is this Gatorade?

Tammy: Well, it was at one point. Look at your naked gals, okay? Truth is I have felt pretty helpless over the past year. And it’s hard to know what to say to make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here’s the thing I can say. There’s one mothe-trucking thing we can do to fight for mother-trucking freedom to make her own health care decisions. And that’s vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. Because remember, we all love someone who’s had an abortion. I mean, drives a truck. Beep beep. A Wooba.

Colin Jost: Tammy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Truck Stop CD

Kyle Mooney

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Trucker… Jake Gyllenhaal

Darlene… Cecily Strong

Picky… Andrew Dismukes

El Chapo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Kyle ad Ego in Truckstops.]

Kyle: Truckstops have the wildest stuff.

Ego: Yeah, like, the my other car is a gun?

Kyle: And who are the weirdos still buying CDs?

Aidy: Well, truckers that’s who.

Kyle: Oh, very cool.

Aidy: Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits. My favorite truck driving crooner Johnny Gatlin. Yeah, I’m talking about “Truck you you truckin’ truck”. 42 songs, all about truckin.

Ego: Great. You mind if we just scooped past you?

Aidy: Songs include fender bender in hits like “Truckers life”.

[song]

Trucker: I’m peeing in a bottle and I’m peeing in a thermos
and I’m peeing in a cup and I’m peeing in the bucket
and I’m peeing in a diaper and I’m peeing at the window
The wind blows back in my face.

Aidy: Whoo! Been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart wrenching duet between trucker and truckers’ wife. Featuring Darlene cuisine, don’t go forgettin.

Trucker: Gotta go back down on the road
I’m gonna miss you till I get home.

Darlene: And I’m asking you to remember
You always got to remember

Trucker and Darlene: Don’t go forgettin
Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss

Kyle: Are all these songs about peeing?

Aidy: Well, not all. But many of them? Yes. Big part of the lifestyle.

[whooing sound]

Kyle: Okay, what was that?

Aidy: Oh, wow. That would be the dreaded ghost trucker t. little Picky Dickens.

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Trucker:When the fog came rolling in,
and his hog came rolling out,
reaching down his pants,
he starts to touch himself
with the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
People say his screams to echo to this day

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Aidy: Oh! And the old children’s classic “Blow that horn”.

Picky: I see your little boy on an iPad in a minivan next to mine.

Trucker: He singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige 

Darlene: A smile comes across his face, I’m so happy I can make his day

Trucker: And the car in front of me get startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch

Aidy: Oh, yes. And of course, no collection is complete without the trucker standard, “The hitch hiker”.

Trucker: A hot July day in 2015 down it Juarez, Mexico
I’m trucking along the highway
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
The mustachioed man helps him in the cab
and he’s only five feet tall
Something about him looks so familiar
Then suddenly, I recall
his name’s El Chapo, El Chapo.
Oh god I think I helped El Chapo
He definitely helped El Chapo

El Chapo: I’m El Chapo and this is a certified bump.

Aidy: Truck you you truckin’ truck, available only at loves Truckstops up the I-40.

[Kyle and Ego sneaks out from behind her]

All: Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker
Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker