Trump Doctor Press Conference Cold Open

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Kate Mckinnon

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?

[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!

 Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.

[Cut to Cecily from the press]

Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.

[Cut to Kate from the press]

Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.

[Cut to Mikey from the press]

Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Pete from the press]

Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi from the press]

Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?

Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update on Trump Recognizing Jerusalem as Israeli Capital

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, with all the complex issues facing America right now, president Trump decided to relax and solve the much simple problem, the middle east. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week and you’re not gonna believe this, but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the response. He made the announcement and then he just flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion. [Picture changes to Donald Trump walking in front of explosions like in the action movies.] [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mahmoud Abbas]

Then Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas warned Trump in a phone call that the move would result in dangerous consequences. And it didn’t help. Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas Merry Christmas and asking for extra falafel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Um, look. I don’t know why anybody would try to take sides on middle east conflict unless they’re actually from the middle east. It’s like watching the girlfriend’s parents’ fight. You’re just supposed to quietly nod and say, “Yeah, I hear you.” I don’t know nothing about the middle east. I have one Palestinian friend and every time I ask him about the middle east, he says, “Che, I’m Pakistani.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday, the White House announced that he would undergo a physical exam early next year and the results will be made public. Which sounds great. But I have to ask, will Dr. Muppet be doing it? [Picture changes to Harold Bernstein] Because if he is, someone’s gonna have to shake him out of his ludes coma first.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Also, I’m not really concerned about Trump getting a physical examination. I’m more concerned about some of the mental things that might be happening. Things that make him say things like this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Because these massive tax cuts, we’ll be rocket fuel– [Donald Trump turns around, shakes his head and finger] Little rocket man.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I’m no doctor, but then again, neither is this guy. [picture changes to Harold Bernstein] [Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shutdown this weekend. So for now, a government shutdown is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up.

[audience laughing]

Then you’ll like this. Three members of congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means. Time to open three more doors on our sexual harassment themed Advent Calendar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Al Franken announces resignation this week in the wake of sexual harassment allegations. And yet, [Picture of a newspaper article that says “Moore ahead by 4 points”] uncle bad touch is up 4 points in Alabama. You see, the democrats hold themselves to a highest standard than anyone else. Which is why they always lose. It’s the same reason that Harvard football team sucks, because you also got to be a rocket scientist to play there. But to play for Alabama, you just got to be able to spell ‘Bama’. Democrats hope by forcing out Franken to step down, they will paint themselves as the party of the moral high ground. Calm down, democrats. You’re still politicians. You’re the party of the morality the same way Don Jr. is the handsome Trump brother. Nobody actually likes you. Nobody likes democrats. Nobody’s at a party like, “Yo, you know who I wish was here? Nancy Pelosi. She’s dope.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying “Go get ’em Roy!” Come on, man! When you’re endorsing an accused child molest, you can’t say “Go get ’em.” This isn’t paedophile pokemon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way, “Go get ’em, Roy!” is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic. [Picture changes to Hot Topic store.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alabama– [laughter] Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting “I think they’re afraid I’m going to take Alabama values to Washington.” No. We’re afraid you’re gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always want to blame their terrible behavior on where they’re from? Like, when a guy whips out his junk on a subway and screams, “Only in New York, baby!” We do not do that, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Duetsche Bank logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Mueller investigation has subpoenaed Duetsche Bank requesting information about president Trump and his family’s finances. And they’ve also subpoenaed the bank Eric uses. [Picture changes to a piggy bank] [Picture changes to Donald trump and a nine handle candlestand.]

According to a report, president Trump did not invite any democrats to the White House Hanukkah party on Thursday, which is like not inviting any gay people to the Tony awards. It’s not really a good look when the most Jewish person at you Hanukkah party is Ivanka Trump. [Picture changes to Ivanka Trump]

Trump People’s Court

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Judges… Pete Davidson, Vanessa Bayer, Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The People’s Court intro]

Male voice: This is the People’s Court.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the court]

Male voice: This is the plaintiff, the president of the United States. He claims that some phony judges are being very mean to him. He is asking for broad unchecked power. Will he get it?

[Cut to three judges walking in the court]

These are the defendants. They are three judges from the 9th circuit court who heard the case for Trump’s ban and said not in. They’re accused of letting bad hombres pour into this country.

Police: All Rise. [everybody stands] Judges, do each of you swear to tell the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god.

9th Circuit Judges: We do.

Police: Mr. President.

Donald Trump: I’m good.

Police: Proceed it.

Judge: Alright, thank you. First of all, Mr. Trump, you understand this is a TV court, right?

Donald Trump: That’s okay. I’m a TV president.

Judge: Alright, so, your travel ban has been rejected as unconstitutional, once again, but here you are. What are we doing here, man?

Donald Trump: Well, thank you, judge, or what do you call a lady judge? A flight attendant? Something like that? Look, I signed a tremendous travel ban. I didn’t read it but I signed it. People took pictures of me holding up a piece of paper. Very official. These judges have been very disrespectful. I’m right. They’re wrong. I want the ban reinstated. Also, I want $725.

Judge: Okay. You know, earlier this woman asked me to award her joint custody of a snake and she had more of a case than you. Okay? Alright. Let me ask the circuit court judges.

Donald Trump: So called.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: So called. So called judges.

Judge: Excuse me, Mr. Trump, these three are federal judges. Okay? They’re actually more real than I am. Alright, judges, why did you agree with the lower courty’s projection of the ban?

Vanessa: Your honor, it was our conclusion that the ban violated the establishment clause because it included a religious test.

Donald Trump: Wrong. [Donald Trump has his own gavel banging] Over ruled!

Judge: President Trump, that’s enough!

Donald Trump: I’ll allow it. I’ll allow it.

Judge: Alright, Mr. Trump, do you have one legitimate reason we need this ban?

Donald Trump: Of course I do. It’s so simple. The bad people are pouring in. And you see them. And it’s ISIS. And San Bernandino, Chicago, I mean, look at Chicago. It’s hell. There are bad dudes coming in here. Bad hombres, bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?

Judge: Alright, that sounded less like an argument and more like refrigerator magnet poetry. Alright, Mr. Trump, I hear you wanna bring in a character witness.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Someone who has known me for years. He’s a family. Incredible person with impeccable credentials, Mr. Vladimir Putin.

[Vladimir Putin walks in and he is giving high-fives to the people behind Donald Trump].

[background entrance music playing]

Male voice announcing: “He’s Russian president. An authoritarian leader who invaded other countries and killed rivals. He’s president’s Trump’s long-time crush.”

Donald Trump: Vladimir is an amazing person. He knows me better than anyone.

Vladimir Putin: That’s right. Hey, everybody, come on! Lay off president Trump, okay? This man is a great friend. He’s my little American Happy Meal. He do anything for you. He’d go against his own country just to make us happy, okay? We good here? Cool. [Vladimir Putin walks away] See you at Mar-A-Lago, baby!

Judge: Okay, you know what? Alright, that’s it. President Trump, look, I read the bad. It seemed rushed even to me. I decide three court cases in an hour, okay. Okay? I see no evidence that it will help. So I am sorry to say–

Donald Trump: I want to settle.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: I’d like to settle. Settle out of court.

Judge: No. Mr. President, I’m sorry but–

Donald Trump: We settle and so will you.

Judge: No, sir, no, I won’t. And let me just say, you are doing too much. Okay? I want one day without a CNN alert that scared the hell out of me. Alright? I just– I just want to relax and watch the Grammy’s. Alright, and no one has ever said that. That’s my decision.

Male voice: Judge rules for the 9th circuit judges. Our next case, on ‘The People’s Court’. The Plaintiff is president Donald J. Trump. The defendant is a manager at Nordstorm, when we return.

Leslie Wants To Play Trump

Leslie Jones

Melania Trump… Cecily Storng

Vanessa Bayer

Lorne Michaels

[Starts with Leslie Jones walking in the streets]

Leslie narrating: For a long time, I never thought that this could be possibility.

[Cut to shooting for Alec Baldwin playing Donald Trump]

Alec Baldwin: It’s a disaster. You look at Chicago. The bailiff knows what i”m talking about. You know..

[Cut to 1 and Bobby Moynihan talking off screen]

Leslie: Man! Alec is so good.

Bobby: The best, man! He has got so much material for the next four years.

Leslie: Do you really think he’s going to do this for next four years? Doesn’t he have other stuff to do?

Bobby: I’m not sure. But, I mean, who’s gonna replace him?

[Cut to screen “Leslie wants to play Trump”] [Cut to Leslie Jones narrating]

Leslie narrating: I never dreamed that I could play the president. But then Melissa played Spicer and I was like, “Yo! Why can’t I play Trump?” I knew I had to make this happen. [Leslie Jones is trying to learn how Donald Trump speaks and moves] So I studied everything him.

Leslie: Huge! Huge! Drain the swamp of tremendous Muslims.

Leslie narrating: It even started to affect my relationship.

[Cut to Leslie Jones sitting on Kyle Mooney’s laps. She is lookin at the laptop with headphones on.]

Kyle: Can we just have sex?

Leslie: Come on, Kyle! I have to practice this.

Kyle: Baby, I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you don’t even look like Donald Trump. You’re too beautiful.

Leslie: Whatever. We already had sex like twice today. Get off me. Jeez.

Leslie narrating: But I just had to commit.

[Cut to the dressing room]

Melissa: Is this like a send up on his fragile masculinity?

Leslie: No.

Sasheer: Is it like a Hamilton thing where you’re making a comment on race and politics?

[Cut to Leslie Jones. She has orange hair and yellow eyebrows ]

Leslie: Nope, it’s about giving America what it wants.

Leslie narrating: Some people couldn’t see it.

Vanessa: A woman playing Trump? It’s an interesting idea, Leslie, but trust me, it will never fly.

Leslie narrating: Finally, it was the moment of truth.

Female voice: Leslie, you can go in now.

Leslie: Um, okay. [acting like Donald Trump] Lorne, baby. I have a huge idea, bigly.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels]

Lorne: It’s not going to happen, Leslie.

Leslie: [disappointed] Alright. I mean, I understand. I understand. [looking at the cameraman] Fellas, hey, can I have a minute, please? [cameras off] [yelling] Don’t say no to me, Lorne! I’ll f* destroy this whole place! I’m so tired of this f* popcorn. Why the f* roses in here? People keep casting me as somebody who always yells. I’m trying to show you I got range. [Leslie is getting violent towards Lorne Michaels] I’m trying to show you something different.

[Cut to Leslie jones being pulled away by the security]

Leslie: I’m going. I’m going. [Vanessa Bayer is walking pass dressed like Donald Trump] Hey, Vanessa! What are you doing?

Vanessa: [acting like Donald Trump] I’m looking out for number one, baby!

Leslie: Man, that bitch is supposed to be my friend, man! Am I fired?

[Cut to Leslie walking out of the building, still dressed as Donald Trump] [A limousine pulls over]

Melania Trump: Donald? Donald? Is that you?

Leslie: Melania? I mean, [acting like Donald Trump] yes, darling, it’s me.

Melania Trump: What are you doing out here in cold? Get in.

[Melania opens the door to limousine] [Leslie Jones gets in the car and the car drives away]

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle is Trump Supporter

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump remains the front runner for the republican nomination. Here to comment is someone who claims to be Trump’s number one fan, Drunk Uncle.

[Drunk uncle slides in]

Drunk uncle: Hey! Hey!

Colin Jost: Wow, drunk uncle. You seem happier than usual.

Drunk uncle: It’s Trump time, baby! [Cut to Drunk uncle] Finally Colin, someone is saying that things that I have been thinking as well as saying. I mean, it’s like I’m running for president. [Colin Jost laughing] you know? It’s like, we have a million things in common. You know? We both look like Russians. [Michael Che laughing] That’s one. His dad gave him $1 million loan, I told my dad I love him and he told me leave him alone. So, that’s two. And his wife’s name is Melania and my doctor said, “That’s what this mole is.”

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, I think you should really get that taken care of.

Drunk uncle: And let Obamacare win? Barf! Not on my swatch. These kids today– These kids today, they don’t even vote anymore, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

Colin Jost: They don’t what?

Drunk uncle: [yelling] They don’t even vote anymore, Colin. Open your ears. [Michael Che laughing] All they care about is, “Can I eat my flaxseeds on my hoverboard?” “I’m sorry. Excuse me, is this Apple watch gender neutral?” Her name is Bruce.

[singing] This is how we do it.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay drunk uncle, what specifically do you like about Trump?

Drunk uncle: I don’t just like him, Colin. I love him. He’s gonna make America great again. I mean, he’s got it all, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle] He’s got everything. He’s got money, women, TV shows, plaza, miss America, orange hair. [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost] He’s perfect. He’s like a big old beautiful monopoly man.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what are your thoughts about Ben Carson?

Drunk uncle: I don’t want to talk about it.

Colin Jost: Okay, why is that?

Drunk uncle: Colin, please. He’s right there!

[Cut to Michael Che looking confused] [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. I hesitate to ask but what about Hillary Clinton?

[Drunk uncle breaks his alcohol glass in his hand looking at Colin] [Drunk uncle raises his hand and from somewhere, he gets another glass of alcohol.] [Cut to Drunk uncle]

Drunk uncle: You were saying?

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, you can’t behave like that.

Drunk uncle: [yelling] Yeah, I’m afraid of George Lopez. [Cut to Drunk uncle] [singing] So take these broken wing [singing by mumbling words] [Drunk uncle starts sobbing] [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Oh, no. Oh! Drunk uncle!

Drunk uncle: So, I’m not a celebrity, okay? [Cut to Drunk uncle] So I’m not Hamilton on Broadway, okay? So I’m not Mr. America. Here he is, Mr. America. So much glass on my hands. Please, that’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, I hesitate to say this, I think you might be a little too drunk.

Drunk uncle: He’s my president, Colin. Because he’s finally gonna get rid of all of the– all, every single one of–

Colin Jost: Wait, wait! Don’t! Don’t say it.

Drunk uncle: Crime, Colin. I was gonna say crime. He’s gonna get rid of crime man.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.

Drunk uncle: Come on! Crime perpetrated by immigrants!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey EpsteinAdam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere] [Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz] [Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands] [cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing] [Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Impeachment Acquittal

Cathy Anne

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week, the impeachment of Donald Trump ended with an acquittal in the republican controlled senate. Here to talk more about it is the lady who screams outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey! Michael Che! Oh, please tell me you are my gift for my birthday.

Michael Che: It’s your birthday today?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! I’m turning 21.

Michael Che: You’re 21?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! Can you believe it? I’m finally legal.

Michael Che: Well, you are a lived in 21 year old.

Cathy Anne: Oh! Well, thank you for noticing.

Michael Che: Alright, so what have you been up to?

Cathy Anne: I went back to school.

Michael Che: You did?

Cathy Anne: No! Of course not. What the hell do you think this is? Pretty woman? No. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I got folded up in my sleeper couch and forgotten about.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: Um, let’s just say that fat masses in Cinderella were much nicer than the ones I was stuck with. Okay?[Cut to Cathy Anne] They didn’t make me a dress so much as choose through the crotch in my sweatpants. Look.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che. Cathy Anne is showing Michael Che her sweatpants.

Michael Che: No! No! No! So, what do you think of the senate acquitting Donald Trump?

Cathy Anne: That weren’t no damn trial! It ain’t even got witnesses. [Cut to Cathy Anne] You know what? I wish I could have a trial with no witnesses. However, I seem to always make my transgressions in very public places. And I mean, also, Mick McDonald said they weren’t gonna find him guilty before the damn thin even started.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mick Mc–

Cathy Anne: [yelling] Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: Okay!

Cathy Anne: You heard it wrong. I said it right.

Michael Che: Sure. Sure. So, you agree with the–

Cathy Anne: Your Weekend Update don’t know Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: [laughing] You agree with the people calling a cover up?

Cathy Anne: Cover up? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Who you covering? It’s all out in the open, okay? That’s like the time that Ikea got rocked in on me pants down [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] just spider squatting over the display toilet. And I tried to say, “It’s not what it looks like!” [Cut to Cathy Anne] Spoiler alert, it was more than it looked like.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Oh god!

Cathy Anne: You ever had those meatballs at Ikea? Whoo!

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, please!

Cathy Anne: This trial is so damn corrupt, Trump’s already going after anybody that did testify. I mean, you’ve heard that Lieutenant Colonel and his twin brother who didn’t even have nothing to do with it. Who the hell they think? He’s gonna parent trap himself coz he’s so desperate to get back there? That’s like baby Jessica. Getting rescued and then turned around and cannon ball back into the rail. [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] Ah! She’s fine!

Michael Che: So, you think it was a good idea to impeach him? Coz some people say it could hurt the democrats chances in the election.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: No, no, no! What’s gonna hurt the democrats is all the damn in Friday. I mean, why they keep going after each other about this idea of political purity. Hello! It’s politricks! We know they pure, but it’s necessary. I don’t go to red roof in and put a black lot to the sheets. I know exactly why them sheets is crunchy. But I still need a place to lay low first of all.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, you are on fire!

Cathy Anne: Oh, you heard about that?

Michael Che: What?

Cathy Anne: When I caught fire. Yeah, yeah. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I was running into a Pollo Loco, I tripped and fell ass first into a fire grill.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What were you doing running up into a Pollo Loco?

Cathy Anne: Well, I wasn’t really running into a Pollo Loco. I was running away from the Pizza Hut next door.

Michael Che: Why?

Cathy Anne: Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] turns out it’s true what they say. You can do all the crack in the world, but you still can’t out pizza the hut!

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright! Well, I think that’s enough. You have anything else you wanna say?

Cathy Anne: Oh, yeah, yeah! Go Parasite!

Michael Che: Oh, you like that movie?

Cathy Anne: No, no! I want my parasite to go.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: My birthday party’s at Michael Che’s. Everybody is invited.

Michael Che: No it’s not. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Donald and Melania Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Taran Killam

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump and Melania Trump delivering Donald Trump’s message]

Male voice: And now, a message from Donald & Melania Trump.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Good evening. As the man who’s almost certainly the next president, I wanted to give you a chance to get to know the real Donald. Now, you’re probably looking at this lovely woman and thinking, “Whoa! Who’s this? Another bangable daughter?” Actually, it’s my beautiful wife Melania.

Melania Trump: Hello.

Donald Trump: She’s great. Just great.

Melania Trump: Welcome to our humble gold house.

Donald Trump: Not bad, right? I mean, talk about foreign policy experience, we got the same interior decorator as Sadam Hussain. Now, I asked Melania to be here tonight to help me clear up some of the lies that these losers and morons are saying about me. Like, that I hate women. How can I hate women when I’ve got the world’s greatest woman right here.

Melania Trump: [with Solvenian accent] Yes, Donald loves women, you know? He always saying, “That woman is knock-out. That woman is a 10. That woman used to be a 10, but hey, she’s still a 7.” You know? He always very supportive to me. Like, when I ask to go spa or go shopping, you know, he always say, “That’s fine. Go!”

Donald Trump: All of this stuff’s being blown out of proportion. I mean like, the Megyn Kelly stuff.

Melania Trump: Yes, people say he was not nice to her, but he was worried, you know? He said, “She’s bleeding everywhere. She needs to go to hospital.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. I was actually afraid she was gonna die. Honestly! I love Megyn Kelly. I love her. I think she is great. She is talented and beautiful, but she is a woman who is always on her period and I hate her and I hope she dies.

Melania Trump: You know, I think they always twist this words. Like, with immigration.

Donald Trump: Clearly, I don’t hate immigrants. [Donald Trump points at Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Yes, I know he is pro-immigration because I was in Slovenia and Donald saw a picture of me in a magazine and he called me and said, “Hey, come to America.”

Donald Trump: It’s very true.

Melania Trump: And I said, “I can’t come, you crazy old man. I don’t have green card.” And he said, “Screw green card. That’s for poor people. Just get over here.” You know, he said, “What can they do? Round about the illegal immigrants and deport them? That’s impossible logistically. How are they gonna find everyone?”

Donald Trump: Well, we’ll find a way.

Melania Trump: You know, Donald is so smart, he is so good with the media, you know? He know that if he said craziest things, he will go up in the poll numbers.

Donald Trump: No, no. Come on, Melania. That’s just not true. I just say outrageous things just for poll numbers. I speak from my heart.

Melania Trump: Really? Okay, because I hear your numbers go down a little this week.

Donald Trump: Mexicans are stealing our children.

Melania Trump: You see? He does not even have to think about it. He’s genius.

Donald Trump: Thank you, darling.

Melania Trump: You know, that’s why I don’t know how critics say he has no ideas or plans because he has so many. Tell them your plans for economy.

Donald Trump: Well, it’s very simple. I get in there, taxes go down, everybody gets a job, salaries go way up, we build a wall, it’s huge! Over in China, they’re gonna say, “Now, that’s a wall!”

Melania Trump: You see, this is how I know Donald is so smart because I hear this and to me, it’s just jumble of words. Like, it makes no sense. But you know, I’m not smart like Donald. I didn’t go to Hogwart school of business.

Donald Trump: You wanna know my plan? Here’s my plan. I got the smartest guys. [pauses for a moment] So, what do you think? Are you ready to do this, America?

Melania Trump: Yes, please. Put Donald in the White House. You know, he is total package. He is strong–

Donald Trump: I didn’t ask you to say that.

Melania Trump: He is wise.

Donald Trump: This is all off the cuff.

Melania Trump: He is good in bed.

Donald Trump: Those are her words.

Melania Trump: You know, and he is the only man who can unite both sides.

Donald Trump: Aw!

Melania Trump: Because he’s running as republican but his ideas are actually more like democrats.

Donald Trump: That’s not really–

Melania Trump: Yeah! Actually, he was democrat before he was republican.

Donald Trump: I think we’re getting a little off topic.

Melania Trump: And then social issues, you know, you can be gay, you can have abortion, he don’t care.

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Bop-bop-bep-bep-bep! Look, here’s the bottom line, I’m just like you, a regular joke, but better. A man of the people.

Melania Trump: Yes. Like everyone else, he puts hair on one strain at a time.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Yeah, and like everybody, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Mueller Report Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 16

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

President Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with written video clip of the narrator]

Narrator: And now, Robert Mueller finishes his report, William Barr summarizes the report, and Donald Trump tweets his reaction to the summary.

[Cut to Robert Mueller on his desk reading his report]

Robert Mueller: Dear Attorney General Barr, officials from the Justice Department and esteemed members of Congress.

[Cut to William Barr summarizing the report]

William Barr: Hey, guys, William Barr here. You might want to sit down for this one.

[Cut to President Trump tweeting on his mobile phone in his office]

President Trump: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Daddy is about to freak.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I am submitting these 380 pages—

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: I am writing almost four pages.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: I am reading zero pages. But Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But I have. And my conclusion is Trump’s clean as a whistle.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Free at last, free at last!

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidents involving the president’s team but we cannot prove a criminal connection.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: No collusion, no diggedy, no bad.

[Cut to President Trump blowing celebration horn] [Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of them very good people.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: The pardons are already in the mail.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I’ve included hundreds of pages of evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of it provided on live television by the president himself.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Russia, if you’re watching, go to bed. Daddy won.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: And I should remind everyone there’s still several ongoing investigations.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: One or two tiny investigations.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: And they’re investigations into democrats, TV shows that have been mean to me ad Puerto Rico. That’s right, I want my paper towels back, amigos.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Somebody with the Trump team might have met with Russians at some point.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Somebody distantly associated with Trump might have done something weird.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: ♪Somebody wants told me the world was go to roll me I am the sharpest tool in the shed. ♪

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: In conclusion it is my hope this report will be made public with a few [Cut to William Barr]

redaction.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Hello, redactions!

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: We’re going to block out everything except the words no and collusion.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Overall there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But no concrete evidence.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump:  If you shoot at the devil, you best not miss.

[[Rudy Giuliani comes up and joins President Trump]

Rudy Giuliani: Did somebody say devil?

President Trump: Rudy, can you believe it, we got off Scott free.

Rudy Giuliani: I know, I know. I guess I was a legal genius the whole time. And all of my mid games worked. If you want to know what my mind games were, you have to ask the family of goblins who lives in my head and opens my eyes.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: After two long years out investigation with Russia interference in the election is finally over.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Y’all can turn off your Huff-Po Amber alerts. It’s time for the country to heal and most past this.

[Cut to President Trump and Rudi Giuliani]

President Trump: This is the only thing I will talk about for the next four years. Vengeance will be mine.

Rudy Giuliani: And I will take the firstborn child of every democrat unless they can guess that my name is Rumple Stiltson.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Sincerely, Robert S. Mueller.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Your’s truly, the guy who’s been here a month, William Barr.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Sincerely, president invincible #tenmoreyears, #fdrbutwithlegs.

[Cut to Rudi Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Yours in eternal darkness, Rudy Giuliani. I was booed at a Yankee’s game.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: P.S. can’t wait to see what the southern district of New York has in store for Trump.

[Everyone joins Robert Mueller]

President Trump: What now?

Everyone: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Weekend Update Trump Calls for End to Mueller Probe | Season 44 Episode 8

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in the news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at the left top corner] Well, this week Robert Mueller released the teaser trailer for “Trump: End Game”[Picture changes to a picture of cover picture of a movie. It mimics “The Avengers End Game” movie] . Federal prosecutors said Friday that [Picture changes to Donald Trump on the left and Michael Cohen on the right] Michael Cohen committed two election-related crimes at the direction of a person identified as “Individual-1”. Now, we don’t know for sure who Individual-1 is. But let’s just say things are pretty tense right now over at Individual-1 tower.[Picture changes to a tower that says “Individual-1 Tower”, mimicking “Trump Tower”]

Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller Report [Picture changes to Trump’s tweet] “Collusion Illusion,” Which is also my favorite Guns N’ Roses album. And yesterday Trump tweeted [Picture changes to another tweet by Trump] with no context or explanation—“Totally clears the President, Thank you.” Sounds like somebody has been reading “The Secret”. By the way I don’t blame Trump  for thinking that his tweets have magical power. I mean, just this week his tweets about China were able to tank the entire stock market. But at some point if every single person you hire gets indicted, the odds are you have something to do with it. I mean [Picture changes to friends of Trump as elves] if all of Santa’s Elves and all of Santa’s Reindeer got busted by the Feds, you would not expect Santa to tweet [Picture changes to made up tweet by Santa] “Totally clear for Christmas, thank you”.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right tope corner] Trump is now calling for an end to the Mueller probe which I got to admit, is worth a shot. I mean, you don’t want to go to jail and then find out you could have just called it off the whole time. The scariest thing about watching Trump be president is that he tries all the things that I would try. [The picture changes to a tweet by Donald Trump] President Trump also tweeted that he will be doing a major counter report to the Mueller report. Well you better hurry up, bud, because you only get one hour a day on that prison computer. Also, nothing says you’re guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is out. It’s like watching “Cops” and as soon as they pull off the house, there’s already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, “Okay, first of all, she’s lying.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kelly on the left top corner] President Trump said that John Kelly, his Chief of Staff is leaving the position at the end of the year because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove [Picture changes to John Kelly with face palm] his palm to his face. [Picture changes to Trump at left and John Kelly at right] That’s how awful it is to work in the Trump White House. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq and he couldn’t finish one tour with Donald Trump.

Trump also announced that he his Attorney General nominee will be [Picture of John Kelly changes to William Barr] William Barr who served as Attorney General from ’91 to ’93. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early ‘90s? What could go wrong! [Picture changes to Matthew Whitaker] Barr would replace Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, who previously served as The Body Suit for Krang.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump] And memorial services for former president George H.W. Bush were held this week. Many observers said that president Trump looked bored. But I think he was just getting an idea. He  was thinking, “Wait, maybe before the whole Mueller report comes out, I should just fake my own death and escape to the last place anyone would ever look for me—[Picture changes to Donald Trump with Mexican hat and a mustache] Mexico.” And you know that Trump will be the first guy to ever fake his own death [Picture changes to made up tweet my Donald Trump that says “I’m dead. Sad!”] via tweet.