Tag: Trump

Weekend Update: Nuclear Scientists Achieve “Ignition,” Trump vs. DeSantis GOP Civil War

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a science lab at right top corner.]

Michael Che: US scientists announced they have reached ignition, which is a nuclear fusion reaction producing more energy than it’s supposed to create. And they’re hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the remix to ‘Ignition’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a child using tablet at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study has found that using screens to stop a child’s tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. The study is titled “Elon Musk”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican insiders are concerned that the rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis could lead to a civil war within the party, because they already have the flags.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Parachute record setter dies at 94”]

A man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon twenty miles above the earth has died at the age of 94… when he finally hit the ground.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Whale swims 3000 miles with broken spine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that for more than a decade, they tracked a humbpback whale as it swam over 3000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. They even got a recording of it’s whale song.

Weekend Update: Trump Launches NFT Trading Cards, FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Insiders are saying that the House January 6 committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump. But after this week, I think he’s pretty much locked down that insanity place. Semi retired maniac Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital NFT trading cards depicting him in various costumes, including cowboy, superhero and most unbelievable of all, guy who didn’t dodge the draft. I’m honestly just relieved that he’s wearing an American military uniform. It’s such a funny move to get into NFTs after the whole market just crashed. It’s like getting into Kanye now. Which Trump also kind of did.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sam Bankman-Fried at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of the cryptocurrency company FTX was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. I’m gonna guess while swimming in a T-shirt. Prosecutors allege that Bankman-Fried took funds from FTX customers to make large political donations. That money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren’t working.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden’s seen here giving the eulogy at a pimp’s funeral formally approved new legislation that will guarantee federal protections for same sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my grandpa’s dead body.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene who, let’s just face it, is absolutely my type, complained that people can buy butt plugs in target now. She also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Biden also hosted leaders of African countries at the White House for the US African Business Forum. Coincidentally, US African Business Forum is what they call Weekend Update in Nigeria. [Picture changes to Colin Jost and Michael Che in Weekend Update set]

Trump NFT Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what this season is all about.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump as a super hero with laser beam coming out of his eyes]
[Cut to Donald Trump at his house]
[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, this is Donald Trump. Hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly better than Ezra. You may have seen this week I made a major announcement. I’m doing my first official collection of Donald J. Trump digital trading cards. If you want use the technical term, nifties. [It’s written “NFT’s” on the screen] We call them nifties is because it’s so neat. They feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. For example, when I was an astronaut, or me riding a big elephant. Trump cards are each $99. Seems like a lot, seems like a scam. And in many ways it is. But we love the drop cards. We just love them.

You can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe taking a screenshot. But we’d really prefer it if you sent that $99. You’ll get me as a cowboy. Or me melting Biden’s ice cream with my big laser eyes. It sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it’s not Pokemon. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Richu, Marill, Nidoran male and Nidoran female. Now I know what you’re wondering – Can they fight? The answer is yes. Who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being matrix.

And the best part is each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box.

[Donald Trump shows a box where there are confidential documents]

Now remember, when you buy a card you don’t get to pick which one you’ll get. It might be me on the cover of a romance novel. Or me doing splits. Me doing Titanic. Or even me as Jessica Rabbit. Wow. Look at the legs on her. Perhaps I would be dating her if she weren’t me. Now, to help me say more, here’s my third least embarrassing child.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Ha-ha-ha. Very funny dad. And so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. These cards are fantastic. And a steal. And I know what you’re thinking, “$99? You can get two grams for that.” While I’m here I also wanted to share I’m selling a new Christmas CD from my fiance, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Hey babe, get that fine little butt out here.

[Kimberly Guilfoyle walks in]
[cheers and applause]

Whooo. Look at that. Whoa!

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Thank you. And I know you’re gonna love this Christmas album that I’m calling ‘Now that’s what no one calls music’. I guarantee you’ll [yelling] sleep in heavenly peace.

Donald Trump: Beautiful. Thank you.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle walk out]

There they go. What a terrible couple. So get your Trump digital trading cards today. They should be at the top of everyone’s Christmas list, really. You know what? Can we pull up my Christmas list? Let’s do it rundown style. Merry Christmas. Okay, we’re all saying Merry Christmas again. Right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish I think also. Your hearing Merry Christmas a lot more lately just like in Christmas Carol. I was visited last night by three ghosts last night including, I think… You know what? Actually you know what? It was four if you include Epstein, but it’s Christmas all over. With tree and toy and Santa. We love Santa though. We folks, we love Santa. But not Ron DeSanta. We don’t like this Santa so much. I mean that guy looks like a Roblox. And he’s not even much of a Santa, is he? He’s more of a Grinch. And Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas. But I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu. Man, we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again. Like how the whites tried to steal the Unobtanium in Avatar but the Navi fought back. They fought back so good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. He’s a great father. Now he’s got four blue kids now. You know, I’ve got four kids too. Five of you include Tiffany. But he’s a great NaVi dad. So in conclusion, Feliz Navidad. Merry Christmas and live from New York, it’s  Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Trump Claims Constitution Should Be Terminated, Brittney Griner Freed

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, it was shaping up to be a good week for Joe Biden. He got Brittney Griner back. He kept marriage gay. And he’s only got he’s only got 14 More sleeps until Santa. But then just when he thought he had it all under control, Kiersten Sinema said “Hold my wig.”

[picture changes to Kiersten Sinema]

Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema seen here realizing that someone is actually waving to the person behind her, announced that she’s leaving the Democratic Party and is registering as an independent. Explained Sinema, “Pay attention to me.”

[Picture changes to Britney Griner]

WNBA star Brittney Griner was freed from prison in exchange for Russian arms dealer Victor Boot. It’s actually a great trade because Boot was only averaging five points and two rebounds a game.

[Cut to Michael Che. are pictures of Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Raphael Warnock defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia Senate run off race. But I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker. I mean, unless he’s your biological father. With Raphael Warnock’s win, Democrats in the Senate will no longer have to rely on vice president Harris for tie breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority – [picture changes to Joe Biden falling from bicycle] waiting for a worst bike accident.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a woman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Supreme Court heard a case this week over whether a conservative evangelical woman can refuse to design a website for a same sex marriage. But honey, I don’t know any gay couple who’s going to hire a designer with those highlights?

Michael Che: Honey?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I apologize. [picture changes to Samuel Alito] During oral arguments in the case Justice Samuel Alito raised the hypothetical. -Could a black department store Santa be forced to take a picture with a child dressed in a Klan robe? Alito added that he’d love an answer before he takes his grandkids to the mall next week.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture of Morocco and Portugal flags at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t think I saw it today, Morocco beat Portugal in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Yeah, it’s the best World Cup performance by a team of Africans since the unpaid workers who built the stadiums. I didn’t do it.

Portugal’s Head Coach decided not to start soccer legend Cristiano Ronaldo in today’s loss. Even more insulting, at halftime he tried to trade Ronaldo for Brittney Griner. But the biggest upsets so far in the World Cup was their favorite Brazil was eliminated, except for a tiny strip down the middle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Nike has officially cut ties with Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving over his anti semitism scandal. Kyrie says he’s so depressed he might jump off the edge of the world.

Today, today was the Santacon bar crawl in New York City. Yeah, the annual reminder that while Santa may exist, God doesn’t.

Weekend Update- Democrats Win Senate in 2022 Midterms, Rupert Murdoch Turns on Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

 Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

 Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

 Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of

[Cheers and applause] [There’s a picture of a newspaper article that says “Democrats Retain Power in Senate” at left top corner.]

Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. [Cheers and applause] I don’t know if that’s really official, but we’re not a real news program, so I’m just gonna call it. I was actually surprised they won given President Biden’s low approval ratings. I guess Biden’s kind of like the “Jurassic World” movies, extremely successful despite a 4Michael Che% rating. [Laughter] [Picture changes to Tucker Carlson]

Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through No Nut November, he criticized the voting— You guys are all doing it, too? Okay. Criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I’m actually not that worried about the voting machines. I’m worried that they’re being operated by the oldest people I’ve ever seen. Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers, one that said, “I voted,” and another that said, “I survived the Titanic.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The key Senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker will move on to a runoff in December. But Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know, take care of it, baby.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Black voters frustrated they must save the senate again”]

Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again. It’s happened so often, there’s already a movie about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hershel Walker at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: In a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America “The greatest country in the United States.” But, on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking saying, “I know I’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator.”

[Picture changes to Mark Kelly and Blake Masters]

Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters in the Arizona Senate race. Masters can now return to his true passion of… I’m gonna guess strangling hitchhikers?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024 but won’t make a final decision until early next year. Because it’s like his doctor told him, “I wouldn’t plan too far ahead.”

After this year’s election,a record setting 12 states will have female governors while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “25 year old elected to congress” at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen Z member of Congress. “Younger,” said Matt Gaetz.

[Picture changes to Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump]

Rupert Murdoch, this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the “New York Post” ran a cover calling Ron DeSantis Ron DeFuture, even though Rhonda Future sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then on Thursday, the “Post” showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline, “Trumpty Dumpty,”which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of the state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Covid leads to iPhone production delay at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: Apple is saying that COVID in China has led to a slowdown in iPhone production. Wow. So I guess the new variant does affect children.

I love this crowd.

 Colin Jost: Nearly half a billion dollars was spent in California on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online but failed by a wide margin. Said supporters of the bill, “Okay, double or nothing.”

Weekend Update- Donald Trump Jr. Mocks Paul Pelosi, Kanye West’s Instagram Suspension

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden’s scene here begging for one more year before the midterms warned about Republican candidates who say they will refuse to accept election results warning they could set the nation on a path to chaos. So wait, this is just the path to chaos. I thought we’d been living in chaos for at least six years. I mean, Nancy Pelosi’s husband was attacked in their home by a guy with a hammer. And instead of even basic sympathy, Republicans were like, “We heard he gay.” Donald Trump Jr. mocked the attack on Pelosi’s his husband by posting an image of a hammer and a pair of underpants with a message “Got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready.” And I would agree that Don Jr. is probably the expert on getting hammered in your underwear. Also Don Jr., is that your underwear man? Why is that so dirty and stretched out? Like you were trying to burn Paul Pelosi but now I’m just wondering if you wear your dad’s old underwear.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After meeting with the anti Defamation League, Kyrie Irving announced that from now on he will pretend to not be anti semitic. Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the anti semitic film “Hebrew to Negros: wake up black America.” In the Hebrew to Negros was also the name of my favorite r&b group in the 90s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Oprah Winfrey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Just days before the midterm elections, Oprah Winfrey endorsed John Fetterman instead of the monster she unleashed upon us. Is it crazy that Oprah gave Dr. Oz his career and even she’s turned against him? It’s like if Robin ran for mayor of Gotham and Batman was like, “I fully endorse penguin.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Herschel Walker responded to Barack Obama criticizing his qualifications to be in the Senate by saying “Put my resume against his resume.” Fine. So here’s Obama’s resume and here’s Herschel Walker’s. It’s better than I thought.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Economy adds over Michael 200,000 jobs” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s better. The latest jobs report shows that last month, the US economy added over 200,000 jobs. “We’ll see about that,” said Elon Musk. This is interesting since Elon Musk took over Twitter, use of the N word on the site has reportedly jumped 500%. It’s the biggest increase in the use of the N word since the last time I stubbed my toe.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West was suspended from Instagram again for posting a disparaging message about Jewish people. Seems like he’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which I’ve heard is the definition of something. I’m noticing a trend with Kanye. His business deals went bad and he just started calling it a Jewish conspiracy. Sort of like when his albums got bad and he just started calling it gospel.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people running a marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow is the New York City Marathon or as Fox News will report it “Undocumented Africans one wild in streets of New York”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chinese flag at left top corner.]

Michael Che: China has launched the third and final module for its permanent space station. Now all they have to do was launched some children to assemble it.

[picture changes to an article that says “Employers must disclose salary range”]

New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings. Employers must list everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of CNN logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: CNN has announced that due to budget cuts, they are scaling back on original series and documentaries. Yeah, apparently there was a flaw with the business model of giving Stanley Tucci millions of dollars to eat Gilato.

[picture changes to a man carrying a handgun]

A Zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms. So you want to try laughing at me again monkeys?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: What happened to you, man? Tensions are on the rise after North Korea launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean and all because the Little Mermaid is black. [laughing] It’s not real.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person writing a list.]

Colin Jost: Our linguistics expert has released a list of the most beautiful sounding baby names with the top spots once again going to Matthew and Sophia, while the worst sounding names are Moist and Slurp.

[picture changes to a grenade]

Police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed ashore on a beach. The hand grenades were discovered when one beach goer said “Mommy look at this shell I fo…[pauses]”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a sun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NASA has released an image of the Sun in which it appears to be smiling. So if the sun can smile, would it kill you ladies to try it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Mother leaves child at home to go day drinking” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In Arizona, woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five month old child was sitting home alone, like, a loser.

Aaron Rodgers Trump Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Aaron Rodgers… Pete Davidson

Glenn Youngkin… Alex Moffat

Helen Stevens… Heidi Gardner

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening. I’m Jeanine Pirro and you’re watching Justice Judge with Judge Justicic Judge. Tonight’s top story, is the president dead? Politically, yes. Otherwise, I’m told he’s fine. But first, the vaccine gets stop polls at it again. Men jetting their sticking nickies on Fauci ouchies, until all of us yell “Hail Biden”. And join there’s zombie army of the vaxxed. Our first guest is an American brave enough to stand up and say, “Screw you, science, I know Joe Rogan!” Please welcome, NFL MVP, Aaron Rodgers.

Aaron Rodgers: Hello. Hey, Jeanine. It’s great to be here. Remember when I hosted Jeopardy?

Jeanine Pirro: Now Aaron, you’re not vaccinated. So what? Who the hell cares? Your body, your choice. And please, never use that quote for any other issues.

Aaron Rodgers: Exactly, Jeanine. It’s my body and my covid. I can give it to whoever I want. But suddenly the woke mob is coming after me. It’s gotten so bad that state farm called and they’re not offering me the Rogers spray.

Jeanine Pirro: And straight talk, Aaron, because I never talk gay. Did you ever lie about being vaccinated?

Aaron Rodgers: I never lied. I took all my teammates into a huddle, got all their faces three inches away from my wet mouth and told them, “Trust me. I’m more or less immunized.” Go team.

Jeanine Pirro: And you said you didn’t get the vaccine because it might make you sterile, which is so insane, I’m jealous I didn’t say it.

Aaron Rodgers: Ay, look, people can talk all they want. But at the end of the day, my record is still 7-1. Meaning of the eight people I’ve infected, seven are fine.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Call this guy the bottom of the snapple cap because he got vaxxed. Thank you, Aaron. My next guest, turned Virginia as red as my face, gets when I talk about nearly any subject, please welcome governor elect Glenn Youngkin.

Glenn Youngkin: Judge Jeanine, thank you for having me. My win in Virginia proves that people are deeply concerned about education.

Jeanine Pirro: And who are most of your voters?

Glenn Youngkin: People who didn’t go to college.

Jeanine Pirro: Excellent. Now, critical race theory is something that you talked about a lot. What is critical race theory?

Glenn Youngkin: Simple. It’s what got me elected.

Jeanine Pirro: Right. But what is it?

Glenn Youngkin: It’s not important. What’s important is parents. Everyone knows they should run schools. That’s why I invited the leader of my parental task force to share her recommendations on dangerous material that should be banned.

Helen Stevens: Hello, Judge Jeanine. I’m a huge fan of your Judging and your talking.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, I like this one already. Helen, what are your feelings on education?

Helen Stevens: When my son brought home the book “Beloved” by Tony Morrison, I put down my copy of “50 shades” and said, “No!” A woman named Tony? Not my America. So, a group of parents and I put together our list of books that should never be allowed in the classroom. “Holes” sounds sexual. “Pride and Prejudice”. Prejudice is fine. But Pride is a term that has been coopted by the gays for some sort of Lady Gaga themed nudity parade. “Invisible man”. What’s he doing? Where is he? Cane you see me in my home? Or what I google? “The Great Gatsby”. Too much jazz. “Moby Dick”. That one’s toss-up. Title is dirty. Love that the whale is white.

Jeanine Pirro: Get him to sea world stat.

Glenn Youngkin: Yeah. See, I’m so grateful that parents like Helen who helped me win in Virginia without the help of Donald Trump.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, funny you should mention it. Because he’s been watching and he just asked us to join us. Former and basically current president of the United States, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you so much. Yes. I just wanted to congratulate Glenn Youngkin and mostly myself on our tremendous victory at Virginia. You know what? We did it together.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you don’t have to say that.

Jeanine Pirro: Mr. President, what an unexpected and frankly horny surprise. Oh mama.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s great to be here. It’s great to be here judge Judy and it’s great to be frankly winning again. We love to win it. You know what? You’ll get to see a lot more winning where that came from. Let me tell you. You’re gonna see it a lot.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you’re gonna take me off the split screen.

Donald Trump: No, we do this together, Glenn. We did it so good, okay? I really want you to stay.

Glenn Youngkin: Really, that’s okay.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. Excuse me. Everybody comes to listen it. You know what? Like you just saw it, I listened, okay? I mean, when you look at it, he’s someone that takes advice so well. I mean, you now what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock please? Because theres a lot of times when I was giving advice. Lot of times, I was giving advice and people weren’t listening and it didn’t work out so great for some of those people. I mean, when you look back with StarWars, I said, “You ned to do it with swords. The lasers are not enough. You got enough real swords, George.” I remember talking. I said this to George. I said, “If you’re gonna do StarWars, okay, you have to have real swords.” And look at what they’re doing with Dune. Look at what they’re doing with Dune. I talked to Denis Villeneuve. I said– You know what? Look at the success of Dune. Look at Chalamet, okay? Real swords. Frankly with Dune, you got Momoa and everyone’s doing flips and it’s very “Game of Thrones”. And people were very disappointed with “Game of Thrones”, you know, how it ended and everything. But with Dune, I think you got a lot of possibility with Dune. I see a lot of possibility. Two, three, four, 15 movies. And frankly, I see a lot of possibility with Virginia.

Jeanine Pirro: God, you are impressive. How do you keep that all in your brain?

Donald Trump: Well, I had my ears sealed, so nothing comes in or out.

Jeanine Pirro: And now, Mr. President, you never actually campaigned with Glenn Youngkin, did you?

Donald Trump: Well, no. I never did– Glenn. Glenn! Glenn! Don’t you dare. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t you dare, Glenn. You need to hear this. You know, I was never there there with Glenn. You know, there there. I was never there there. But I told lots of people they should vote for Glenn, okay? And you know what? Most people don’t like Glenn. But he’s a wonderful guy, okay? Most people don’t like him but he’s a wonderful guy. Okay? Tall, rich, like my sons. Glenn, you’re like my son.

Glenn Youngkin: Please don’t say that.

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? Glen is a wonderful guy but these PC folks, oh my god. They don’t like him. They don’t like him at all. You know what? Can I get 60 more seconds please? These PC folks, they don’t like everything. These PC folks you can’t please them at all. They don’t even like Chris Pratt as Mario. And you know what? I’m very close with Mario, very close with Luigi. Our wives play golf together. They play Mario golf together. And peach is a very close friend of mine. Peach is added on but Peach is so great. And with the Toads by the way, I do great with the Toads. I do great. You know, the mushroom people? The Toad people? A lot of em’ came out in the last election. And the Toads love Chris Pratt. Toads love Chris Pratt. And his Mario is gonna do a lot better than that awful Eternals movie. I tell you that, it’s a lot better than Eternals. You know what? With Eternals, it was too diverse. It was too diverse and no one wants to see that. The movie is rotten. Just ask the tomatoes. Just ask the tomatoes, it’s rotten. And you can’t even get tomatoes anymore because of this awful shipping nightmare that we’ve got with slow Joe Biden. And you know what? This is true. Glenn, excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. This is true. You know what? Guy came up to me the other day. Big guy, bigger than anything. Tears in his eyes, and he says, “Sir, many name is Santa Claus and Christmas is cancelled. Christmas is cancelled, sir.” And I said, “We’re not gonna let that happen, Santa.” And that’s why I asked him to give Virginia to Glenn Youngkin. I asked him to do that. We did it. We did it together because it’s a great country. Santa did it because he loves America, and he loves Trump. Right Glenn?

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, Mr. President. You’re a genius, a patriot, one handsome mountain of a man. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Steve Bannon Held in Contempt & Trump Social Media

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Halloween pumpkin at left top corner.]

Well, this is our Halloween episode, guys. So, I wanted to start by showing you the most haunting image I saw this week. [picture changes to Kanye wearing white mask] No. Not that actually. That’s just Kanye. Sorry, Ye. He goes by Ye now. Even though no one looks at this and goes, “Yay.” Haunting image I was thinking about was actually this one. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Yeah. That’s my guy. Because this week former White House I wanna say garbage man Steve Bannon was held in contempt of congress. But this is what Bannon wants. It plays into his whole persecuted messiah complex. So, Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he looks like he’s been dead for three days.

[picture changes to Facebook logo]

After weeks of intense media scrutiny, Facebook is reportedly planning to change the company name. So, if you wanna know how Facebook is handling the pressure, the answer is exactly as well as Kanye. [Picture changes to news article that says “Kanye changes his name”.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kirsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Kirsten Sinema who hates the attention says she is imposed to raise in taxes on the wealthy to pay for president Biden’s agenda. Finally, someone speaking up for billionaires. Because it’s so hard to hear from Space. [Picture changes to Jeff Bezos and Elon Must at space] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump announced the launch of his own social media network he’s calling True Social, but most people know it by its original name ‘The National Sex Offender Registry’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The FDA authorized the mixing and matching of booster shots and vaccines. As we enter the ‘just winging it’ phase of the pandemic. Seriously, when it comes to medication, when has a doctor ever said, “Just mix and match! It’s all good. Taste the rainbow.” Who’s the head of the FDA now? Lil’ Wayne?

Pfizer also reported Friday that its covid vaccine for children is 90% effective. Meanwhile Johnson&Johnson reported that their covid vaccine for children is just CapriSun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At his CNN Town Hall, President Biden discussed the importance of addressing mental health saying “A broken spirit is no different than a broken arm.” Well, if I kept betting on Giants, I’ma have both.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also at the Town Hall, President Biden admitted that he has not yet had time to visit the southern border. So, his approval rating has.

Insiders are also saying that during meetings, President Biden repeatedly uses the F word in conversation. More concerning, the F word he keeps using is forget.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The head of Chicago’s police union is urging officers to defy the city’s vaccine mandate which is weird because usually Chicago police can’t wait to take the shot.

[Picture changes to Walmart logo]

Walmart announced that members of its Walmart+ subscription service will be able to take advantage of Black Friday sales four hours early. Experts believe it could be the most violent gathering of Walmart shoppers since January 6. [Picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of band Smash mouth logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video is posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which– I know, recent. A recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer is seen slurring his words doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member. And it gets worse. He then started singing.

[Picture changes to Sex, love & goop logo]

In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s show ‘Sex, love & goop’, a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasm while fully clothed without touching. Which is also what happens when your mom watches Bridgerton.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of StarWars logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The StarWars themed house has been listed for sale in Florida. But in Florida, StarWars theme just means it was owned by siblings who kissed.

[Picture changes to Thomas Jefferson statue]

After trying for several years, the New York city commission voted to remove a statue of Thomas Jefferson from city hall. They were finally able to remove it by telling the statue there was a hot black lady outside.

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted in Second Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s picture at left top corner.]

Well, like so many other men living in Florida, Donald Trump has once again escaped from justice. This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was. The jurors who were deciding The case were the ones attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then right after the trial ended, one of the jurors who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, “Someone’s got to prosecute this guy. He did it. This man belongs in jail. I mean, whatever you’re going to do? Are you going to impeach a president for anything, don’t you think it’s sending a mob to kill the vice-president? I feel bad for Pence. 43 of his work friends were like, “Oh come on, Mike, they only tried to hang you. Stop being such a drama queen.” I think it’d be hilarious if Biden now sent rioters back into the Capitol. And he was like, “What? You guys said it was fine.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the Capitol rioters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During Donald Trump’s impeachment, house manager showed security footage of Capitol rioters finally attacking police. But here’s a little black history lesson for you. Just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get conviction.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence and Mitt Romney.

Colin Jost: Video evidence of the violence in January six shows that the senator Mitt Romney and vice president Pence both had close calls with rioters. So, let me get this straight. You’re a white supremacist mob and you go after these guys? The two whitest guys I could think of. They make me look like Ice-T. And look, [Picture changes to Ted Cruz with his new hairstyle.] I know probably there are bigger things happening in the world, but can we talk about Ted Cruz’s hair for like, an hour? What happened here? It looks like he’s selling fireworks out of the back of El Camino. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this guy handcuffed crying on a curb in “Cops”. I mean, what are you doing, man? You’re a senator. Not the manager of a paintball range. At least the manager of the paintball range has some leadership skills.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York governor Andrew Cuomo who was the real life model for Moe Szyslak, announced that more New Yorkers will be eligible for the covid vaccine beginning next week. New Yorkers will have to provide documentation of their condition and answer medical questions like, “Whassa matter you?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Governor Cuomo also announced that he will allow sporting venues to open starting February Michael Che3rd but limit them to Colin Jost0% capacity, better known as Jets level.

Weekend Update- A Look Back at Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well guys, barring a reverse Christmas miracle, this is the last Weekend Update with Donald Trump still in office. Now, as a president, he was mostly bad. But there were a few bright spots. So, before he is tranquilized and moved like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, I just want to take a moment to recognize some of his greatest moments in office.

[Cut to a slide show of nice pictures of Donald Trump during his presidency.] [Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. So America, don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it’s happened. And then, probably cry a little bit. I don’t know. I’m still working it out with my therapist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence getting vaccine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence received the coronavirus vaccine Friday which is the first time he has ever been okay with using protection. Mike Pence said when he got the vaccine shot, “I didn’t feel a thing”, which is also what he told himself over and over again after saw Harry Styles in a dress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching a school bus stall on some rail road tracks, received the coronavirus vaccine on Friday. Just to throw it in our faces, he’s also giving himself a stimulus check and a small business loan.

[Picture changes to vaccine]

White House has left it up to the states to distribute the vaccine which shocks me because knowing Trump, I thought for sure it would be done through a live Power Ball lottery. The ratings would have been insane and it would have been the first White House job Ivanka was qualified for. [Picture changes to girl holding the lottery number balls.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a pro Trump rally in Washington DC, protestors burned “Black Lives Matter” signs at two historic black churches. I don’t want to be too judgmental here but at some point when you’re setting fires at black churches, you gotta stop and ask yourself, “Hey, am I the bad guy here?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jill Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wall Street Journal published an op-ed suggesting that Dr. Jill Biden stop using the term doctor because she has a PhD and is not a medical doctor. Though, she has at times functioned as a nurse. [picture changes to Jill Biden holding and supporting Joe Biden.]