Tag: Trump

Weekend Update Trump Claims Police Cried at His Arrest Biden Downplays Pentagon Documents Leak

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jack DeShara.]

The person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack DeShara who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsmen, I assume in a school play. DeShara shared the document in a private social media group that members say started as a place where young men could play war themed video games, bond over their love of guns and post racist memes. And now it’s ruined. It was revealed that just before his arrest, DeShara a contacted the members of his group and said “Guys, it’s been good. I love you all.” And of course his friends all replied, “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Discord logo.]

Michael Che: The online group DeShara started was named “Thug Shaker Central”. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified US documents that were posted on social media. Because when you’re over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: In the interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump’s stories always crying?

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: People came to me and they saw me and they were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: Very tough, very strong, very powerful men. They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They had tears in their eyes, and they were all crying. Everybody was crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: People were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: These are people that didn’t cry when they were babies. They never cried in their life, and they were crying. A lot of them were crying.

[Cut back to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Sir, you’re bragging that when people see you, they just like burst into tears. Because it never sounds like excited crying, like when teenagers see like BTS. It sounds more like scared crying like when hostages see Jigsaw.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “States stock pile abortion pill”.]

Michael Che: After a judge’s ruling left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. Officials like California Governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts governor Maura Healy and New York comedian Michael Che.

[PIcture changes to Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

After it was revealed that Harlan Crowe bought Clarence Thomas home, Crowe said he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. It’ll be called “The Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: Conservative judges and pundits have defended Thomas by saying that his deals with Harlan Crowe are not corrupt because crow had no business before the court. But come on, does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn’t want them to overturn Roe V. Wade? He looks like he’s on a pamphlet called “Why you have to keep it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and as being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. In fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn’t need a drink to slur his words.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dianne Feinstein.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Easy. Senator Dianne Feinstein who is 89 is facing calls to resign from fellow Democrats. But unfortunately Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tim Scott.]

Michael Che: Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced the launch of an exploratory committee for 2024 presidential run. That name again is Tim Scott, as in Tim Scott, no chance of being a nominee.

Trump Easter Cold Open

Jesus… Mikey Day

Judas… Molly Kearney

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Male voice: Easter, the celebration of the resurrected Christ. The Bible tells us Jesus travelled to Jerusalem for Passover where his radical message of peace and love enraged the authorities. In the coming days he will be arrested, tried and executed. This he tells his disciples on their final evening together, a meal we will come to call ‘the Last Supper.’

Jesus: My friends, and Judas, hear me now for soon I will leave you and join my Father in heaven.

Bowen: We cannot lose your Jesus, we will protect you.

Andrew: They will never find you, Jesus.

Jesus: Alas, one of you will betray me.

Bowen: Oh, no.

Judas: What?

Jesus: It is foretold. Though I have committed no crime, I will be arrested, tried and found guilty.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Sound familiar? Thank you so much. A famous, wonderful man arrested for no reason at all. If you haven’t put it together, folks, I’m comparing myself to Jesus again. And what better time than on his birthday, Easter? As we speak, I am being persecuted on a level the likes of which the world has never seen even worse than the late great Jesus. You know, many people are saying we’re very similar. We’re both very tall, very popular, and both frankly, white Americans. You know, Jesus did some incredible things. Some would call them miracles, in terms of fish, and with regard to bread. Lots of fish and bread. He rose from the dead on the third day, I would have done it faster, possibly two days. I think we could have done it a lot faster. But he had a good mind for business. Water into wine, pure profit. And he had big, big rallies just like me. And a lot of his followers got in big, big trouble just like mine. All because I told them exactly what Jesus would have said, “Get very violent and start a war.” And I’ve even got my very own Judas, Ron DeSantis. Ron DeSantis came to me tears in his eyes. He said, “Help me Mr. Trump, I’m gonna lose my election.” So I very generously pretended to like him. And then he did a Judas. And now he can’t even get the gays out of Disney World. It’s an awkward time.

Look at these guys back here. You just have to sit here frozen while I talk. Can you believe that? Mr. Jesus, quite a guy. But now people are saying perhaps I’m even better than Jesus because I’m a self made billionaire. And Christ was, let’s call it what it is, a Nepo baby. Okay? I mean, his dad was God. It’s pretty easy to start a religion when your dad is God. He did Good Friday. I said, “Why don’t make it great. We can make it great.” With me. We’ll be doing great Friday, perhaps even TGI Fridays? With the stuff on the walls and everything.

But we love Easter. We love hiding the egg, don’t we folks? We love hiding the little eggs. You know, I have many beautiful eggs from my time at the White House. And now the Department of Justice is saying Where are the eggs? We need the eggs back. But I hid them. They’re my eggs. They’re my eggs to take, okay?

So tomorrow I will eat by Easter hamburger with my family, or hopefully not. And then after that, they will come to me locked me away. Because just like Jesus, all I did was be friendly to a sex worker and now they want to put me in jail. But who knows folks? Maybe prison will make me even more popular like that guy back there. Jesus of Azkaban, that guy. Jesus of Azkaban, he’s called. And that is the story of Easter. Happy birthday, Jesus. Look at the fingers. He’s stuck doing the fingers the whole time. Weird choice with the fingers. Look at Jesus. So Happy Hanukkah too, all the pass overs. And all the Ramadan too. We love to say Ramadan? That’s right. But mostly, happy Easter because we like Jesus, right? Still frozen with the little hand. They’re not even gonna get to see the big line. Maybe if you break a big political character, you can see the big line. I’m going to do it by myself right now. So Happy Easter and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Donald Trump Indicted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Well, great news for conservatives, New York is finally cracking down on crime. Former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels. And the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie, because I’m deeply ashamed that how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week but his lawyer Joe Tacopina, who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca, said that the President will not be put in handcuffs. Though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman t shirt.

When Trump surrenders New York City Police will take his official mug shot, which you know, is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I’m sure he’s hoping it’ll look cool, like Frank Sinatra’s, but I bet it’ll end up closer to Nick Nulty.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump]

Michael Che: Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. Business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume that spirit Halloween.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden on Friday told reporters that he had no comment on Trump’s indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump]

Colin Jost: I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. Like, an actual headline on CNN yesterday was “Nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging impossible trial conviction of a former president.” A more accurate headline would be “Man we all knew was criminal, may be criminal.” At this point, it feels like even pro Trump people have moved on. I mean, I went down to the courthouse today and I was the only protester there.

Michael Che: I told them not to laugh at you.

Colin Jost: I was sure. Am i not miced? And then I was just like, “Oh, I just suck.”

Michael Che: Alright, moving right along.

Colin Jost: God!

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene-

Colin Jost: You’re evil.

Michael Che: Plans to come to New York on Tuesday to protest Trump’s indictment because apparently it takes her three days to put on her Joker makeup. They’ll probably laugh at this next one.

Colin Jost: That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done. I’m covered in sweat. [cheers and applause] No, no. Don’t even dare. Don’t you even are try now.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who thinks he’s Gaston, but girl, you LeFou. Ran DeSantis- [laughing] I’m shaking. Ron DeSantis said Florida officials would not help extradite Trump back to New York unless of course he agrees to take a busload of migrants with him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: In the wake of the Nashville shooting, President Biden once again called on Congress to pass an assault weapons ban. Or hear me out, stop and frisk for whites. How long before these kids aren’t a stereotype?

Colin Jost: Boo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andy Ogles family holding guns.]

Congressman Andy Ogles who represents the district where the National Shooting to place is being criticized for a Christmas card where he and his family are holding assault rifles. Okay, even putting aside mass shootings, who are you psycho sending these cards to? If I received that in the mail, I would move. All this card tells you is “I’m armed. I have terrible judgment, and I know where you live.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Jamaal Bowman and Thomas Massie.]

Michael Che: Democratic Representative Jamaal Bowman and Republican Thomas Massie got into a screaming match on Capitol Hill after Bowman called the GOP gutless coward for opposing gun control. Which is a cheap shot because if there’s one thing Republicans definitely have, it’s big old guts.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Trump has also been promoting a song called ‘Justice For All’ which features himself and acquire men jailed for their roles in the January 6th attack. And I feel bad for the January 6 singers because jail gets a lot worse once the other prisoners find out you’re in an acapella group.

Trump Indictment Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Afroman… Devon Walker

Don Jr. … Mikey Day

Male voice: And now a message from former President Trump.

Donald Trump. Hello. Thank you. It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. Well, folks, it happened. I got indicted or as I spell it indicated. And frankly, it’s time that I come clean, admit that I broke the law and go quietly to prison. April Fool’s. That was a prank. I was doing a gym from office. But make no mistake, what the radical left Democrats are doing to me is worse than any crime I’ve ever committed. And I’ve committed a lot. Close to 34. Some are saying I’m going to use this indictment to rile up my base so that they give me more money. Not true. Not true. I don’t want anything from my base except their love, their votes, perhaps their money. And I need their money more than ever. Now, you may have seen I’ve been opening my rallies with my wonderful song “Justice for all,” which I performed with the J6 choir. That’s a very real thing. Very disturbing. Very disturbing. It was the number one downloaded song. We beat flowers by Miley, which as we all know, is about Liam. My song ranking so much cash, I thought why stop there? That’s why I’m putting out my new album “Now that’s what I call my legal defense fund,” aka Trump bopz. And I’m bringing all the hits.

[music playing]

[Donald Trump singing] Boys and things will come by the dozen 
that ain’t nothing but drug store loving
Hey, little thing, let me light your candle

‘Cause mama [singing gibberish] 

Wow, what a deal. Just 30 classic covers, all horrible. Song by your favorite president to defend our movement and mostly myself from the EVO Manhattan DA. That means District Attorney. But I’m a fighter. And speaking of fighting and taking advantage of fighters, here’s my friend Don King.

Don King: Hey. Hey everybody. What they are doing to this man is a tra-da-gedy (tragedy).

Donald Trump: So funny. With the big hair. Murdered a guy, can you believe it?

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Islands in the Stream
that ain’t what we are
no one in between
how can we be wrong?

Donald Trump: We’re not wrong. I’ve never been wrong.

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Making love to each other, uh-huh

Donald Trump: Don King, everybody. [Don King walks out] Speaking of love, me and the First Lady Melania are in high spirits. Since the news of my possible imprisonment, I’ve never seen Melania happier. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Second only perhaps to many younger, hotter women. But we like her. Also just to set the record straight, I didn’t even sleep with stormy Daniels, but in many ways I did. And isn’t it ironic that the first time I actually pay someone, they tried to send me to jail. That’s why you don’t pay people, folks. You never pay people. Pretty ironic.

[singing] If it rains on your wedding day,
oh what a thought, it figures

And folks, if they can come for me, they can come for you too. Or in the case of January 6, they can come for you and not for me. I liked that one a little bit better. Because I really don’t want to go to jail. But when I think about how shredded I might get, it’s awfully tempting. Can you imagine me pumping iron in the jail yard with the homies? Getting real big on top, little on bottom? Totally prison yoked, looking like a candy apple. Perhaps I might even become receptive to the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad. Although, I’ve never seen any pictures of him, kind of suss. Oh-oh, who’s this? Why? It’s a man who liked me was illegally rated and he’s turning it into big bucks, Afro man.

Afroman: I was going to go to class
but then I got high

Donald Trump: Drugs are killing our children
I could have cheated and I could have passed,
but then I got frankly high, real shame.

Afroman: I’m taking in next semester
and I know why?

Donald Trump: Why man?

Afroman and Donald Trump: Hey, because I got high
because I got high
because I got high

Donald Trump: We need to be executing our drug dealers. Thank you, Afroman. [Afroman walks out] Folks, your hard earned money is important. If I go to jail, I will need money for commissary snacks. I will need a supply of Robins to successfully barter with a large man named Lizard. And now my most loyal supporter, I wish he goes away. He’s my Kindle Roy. It’s Don Jr.

Don Jr.: Wow dad, this is really emotional. It might be the last time I see you.

Donald Trump: From your mouth to God’s ears.

Don Jr.: The boy’s a liar
the boy’s a liar
he doesn’t see ya
you’re not looking at me boy

Yeah, Dad!

Donald Trump: Very strange energy, my son. Don’t like it. He’s saying that I’m good enough, grabbing my drr. Thinking about things I should have done. Right? We love Ice Spice, don’t we? Ice Spice. Terrific hair. Beautiful hair. Manhattan, I’ll see you on Tuesday. We’ll be wild. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Weekend Update- Tucker Carlson’s Texts About Trump, Biden’s Billionaire Tax

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

This weekend bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America will finally face off in person. I’m of course talking about tomorrow’s Oscars. The Motion Picture Academy has rejected a request from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to make an appearance during the Oscars. But they promised that Volodymyr Zelenskyy will be how John Travolta pronounces Viola Davis.

Organizers of the Oscar said they changed the color of the arrival carpet from red to champagne, so the mood would be more mellow. But I don’t know. Switching from red to champagne usually turns me into a full on bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden proposed his budget that would help fund Medicare with a 25% tax on billionaires. Hah! Take that, Rihanna. President Biden’s proposed budget included $400 million to counter Chinese disinformation. It will target the number one source of Chinese disinformation, fortune cookies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car, released security footage from the January 6 attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves it was a peaceful gathering. Which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it’s a short film about being a stepmom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: New documents from the Dominion lawsuit revealed text from Tucker Carlson, in which he says he hates Donald Trump passionately and can’t wait until he’s able to ignore him. That must suck, to go on TV, put on a smile and make friends with some psychotic bigot just because it’s good for the show. Anyway, back to you Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of RuPaul.]

Colin Jost: I don’t get it. RuPaul harshly criticized lawmakers who support banning drag shows calling them stunt Queen politicians. And let me just say, hallelu girl. I gotta serve realness on this one. These dusty breeders are resting on ugly and I am gagging on it. I’m sorry, guys. Before the show, I switched from red to shampoo.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are pictures of Joe Biden and TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Oh boy. President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban TikTok. But only because Biden thinks TikTok is a gang member from his old neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Walgreens logo.]

Colin Jost: After Walgreens announced that they will stop selling abortion pills in 25 states, CVS has remained silent on the issue. While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the take-a-bortion leave-a-bortion tray.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of King Charles and Meghan Markel.]

Michael Che: It was reported that the organizers of King Charles’s coronation have officially invited Meghan Markel. And this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. I think it’s actually very generous guys.

Weekend Update- Tennessee Bans Public Drag Shows, Trump Lashes Out at DeSantis

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Bill Lee.]

Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the now documentary,  Madea goes to jail.

A Tennessee state senator said the bill will prevent kids from being “Blindsided by a sexualized performance in public.” What are you talking about? Drag shows don’t just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle gay dust on your kids. I never accidentally happened upon a drag show and I grew up in New York City. Now I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times, but that’s just what you get when you take the bus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Department of Energy logo.]

Michael Che: The US Energy Department concluded that COVID likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up in bats for nothing?

[Picture changes to Scott Adams and his cartoon Dilbert]

Newspapers around the country dropped the cartoon strip Dilbert after creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black people live. So he lives in your building, huh Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Scott Adams and his cartoon Dilbert.]

Colin Jost: No. Newspapers dropped the cartoon strip effective immediately, and to rub it in there replacing Dilbert with Peanuts: Oops all Franklin.

Dilbert creator Scott Adams racist rant was in response to the results of a poll that asked respondents the question, “Is it okay to be white?” Oh, I’d say it’s more than just okay. [picture changes to Colin Jost holding a bunch of cash]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Michael Che: The house the House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. “Well, thank God I’m not George Santos,” said George Santos.

[picture changes to Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis.]

Donald Trump accused Ron DeSantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida Governor a wheelchair over the cliff kind of guy. Wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TikTok logo and Chinese flat.]

Colin Jost: House Republicans concerned that China could use TikTok to illegally gather information on Americans, had voted for a bill that could ban the app nationwide. Replied Tiktok users…

[music playing]

[Colin start pointing at random directions where the words pop up, like the TikTok trending videos. The words say “We need to storm the Capitol.”]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jill Biden.]

Michael Che: That’s how he really dances too. First lady Jill Biden said in an interview that she maintains a good balance in the types of advice she offers President Biden, but it’s mostly “Hold on to the railing.” [picture changes to Joe Biden falling on a stairs]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alex Murdaugh.]

Colin Jost: This week, South Carolina Attorney Alex Murdaugh was found guilty of murder and also found guilty of looking like Will Ferrell dressed as Conan O’Brien.

Trump Train Visit Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Emily Kohrs… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: You’re watching C span. Up next, former President Trump addresses residents of East Palestine, Ohio, following this month’s train derailment.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. Hello, it’s wonderful to be here in the town of East Palestine. Not a great name. But I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned by Biden. He’s on spring break in Ukraine with his friends Zelensky in the t-shirt, very disrespectful. Zelensky thinks he’s rocking that ringadee like Scott Pilgrim. But I’m here and I brought hats, cameras and hats, because it’s terrible what’s happening here. You know, earlier today a farmer came up to me, big fella, and he said, “Sir, we have nothing to eat because dirt is poison.” And I said, “Well, what are you doing eating the dirt? Don’t eat the dirt, folks. Don’t eat the dirt. You should be eating the cold McDonald’s I brought you. And the bottled water, Trump ice.”

I’ll be honest, I just put my sticker on some Dasani. We like to say Dasani. I’ve heard all about your situation with the water, but I was looking at your river and it’s so shiny. I’ve never seen water so beautiful. Beautiful rainbows and discolorations. It’s wearing makeup. Fendy Beauty Water. Fendi by Rihanna. Rihanna. By the way you know she was pregnant doing Super Bowl, can you believe that? I said, “Of course, she is. She’s not moving at all. It was just arms, right?” She was just doing arms the whole time.

But your train exploded and who do we blame? Who do we blame. We blame Buttigieg. Pete Buttigeig. This was his responsibility. Unfortunately he was too busy being a nerd and being gay to have dealt with a very much more important issue of should drains have big poison? And I have to tell you, I call him Pete Butt. I call him Pete Butt. There’s no way around it. That’s just the best one. Believe me, I’ve tried it every which way and it really doesn’t get better than Pete Butt. But this would have never happened  under my administration. People are saying I made the trains less safe. Not true, okay? Not true. I did a lot for trains. I made them bigger, faster, less safe perhaps. I’m here paying my respects because your train exploded and now your birds and fish are all dead. That’s got to not be so great. Wake up in the morning and not hear the beautiful chirping of birds and instead of your train’s exploding and derailing all over the place. You’re town is hurting, that’s why you need me. I feel like I could “Schitt’s Creek” this place, right? But I need the big eyebrows, right? That guy Schitts Creek, he’s got big eyebrows. You watched Schitts Creek? No you guys watch Yellowstone.

Anyway, I have a very special surprise guest for you today. You’ve seen a blinding all over TV this week. It’s the foreman of the Georgia, Grand Jury investigating me, Ms. Emily Kohrs.

Emily Kohrs: Oh my god. This is so cool. First Giuliani and now you. Good day, sir.

Donald Trump: She’s an odd duck but we like her. She’s either 7 or 40. We can’t tell. And she’s got a very big secret for such a kooky little lady.

Emily Kohrs: Potentially. I might. I don’t know. Eeeeeee.

Donald Trump: Wow, we don’t like that. We don’t like that sound. Because she knows if I’m getting indicted. She’s a head juror, can you believe that? They elected her. They’ll elect anyone. I started that. Come on, spill the tea. Come on.

Emily Kohrs: Nope. You just want me to ruin the case. But I guess I can say we’ve been saying your name a lot.

Donald Trump: Can you believe that? They almost had me and then this little horse girl comes in and saves the day. Thank you Emily.

Emily Kohrs: Farewell.

Donald Trump: Do we like her or what? Right? She looks like Haley Joel Osment and she’s my best friend. Well, I’m gonna get out of here soon because the air is full of poison, but you know everyone in Ohio has asked me “What do I do now? There’s poison gas in the air.” Could be a good thing, right? I know some of the husbands are happy to have the stinky gas as an excuse, right? I mean, “Did you pass gas?” “No, it was the train.” Right? Blame the train, right? You’d normally blame it on the dog, but they’re all done now aren’t they? So in conclusion, Schitt’s Creek, Rihanna, Pete Butt and live from New York and Saturday night.

Weekend Update: Nuclear Scientists Achieve “Ignition,” Trump vs. DeSantis GOP Civil War

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a science lab at right top corner.]

Michael Che: US scientists announced they have reached ignition, which is a nuclear fusion reaction producing more energy than it’s supposed to create. And they’re hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the remix to ‘Ignition’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a child using tablet at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study has found that using screens to stop a child’s tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. The study is titled “Elon Musk”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican insiders are concerned that the rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis could lead to a civil war within the party, because they already have the flags.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Parachute record setter dies at 94”]

A man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon twenty miles above the earth has died at the age of 94… when he finally hit the ground.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Whale swims 3000 miles with broken spine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that for more than a decade, they tracked a humbpback whale as it swam over 3000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. They even got a recording of it’s whale song.

Weekend Update: Trump Launches NFT Trading Cards, FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Insiders are saying that the House January 6 committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump. But after this week, I think he’s pretty much locked down that insanity place. Semi retired maniac Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital NFT trading cards depicting him in various costumes, including cowboy, superhero and most unbelievable of all, guy who didn’t dodge the draft. I’m honestly just relieved that he’s wearing an American military uniform. It’s such a funny move to get into NFTs after the whole market just crashed. It’s like getting into Kanye now. Which Trump also kind of did.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sam Bankman-Fried at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of the cryptocurrency company FTX was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. I’m gonna guess while swimming in a T-shirt. Prosecutors allege that Bankman-Fried took funds from FTX customers to make large political donations. That money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren’t working.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden’s seen here giving the eulogy at a pimp’s funeral formally approved new legislation that will guarantee federal protections for same sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my grandpa’s dead body.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene who, let’s just face it, is absolutely my type, complained that people can buy butt plugs in target now. She also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Biden also hosted leaders of African countries at the White House for the US African Business Forum. Coincidentally, US African Business Forum is what they call Weekend Update in Nigeria. [Picture changes to Colin Jost and Michael Che in Weekend Update set]

Trump NFT Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what this season is all about.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump as a super hero with laser beam coming out of his eyes]

[Cut to Donald Trump at his house]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, this is Donald Trump. Hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly better than Ezra. You may have seen this week I made a major announcement. I’m doing my first official collection of Donald J. Trump digital trading cards. If you want use the technical term, nifties. [It’s written “NFT’s” on the screen] We call them nifties is because it’s so neat. They feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. For example, when I was an astronaut, or me riding a big elephant. Trump cards are each $99. Seems like a lot, seems like a scam. And in many ways it is. But we love the drop cards. We just love them.

You can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe taking a screenshot. But we’d really prefer it if you sent that $99. You’ll get me as a cowboy. Or me melting Biden’s ice cream with my big laser eyes. It sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it’s not Pokemon. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Richu, Marill, Nidoran male and Nidoran female. Now I know what you’re wondering – Can they fight? The answer is yes. Who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being matrix.

And the best part is each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box.

[Donald Trump shows a box where there are confidential documents]

Now remember, when you buy a card you don’t get to pick which one you’ll get. It might be me on the cover of a romance novel. Or me doing splits. Me doing Titanic. Or even me as Jessica Rabbit. Wow. Look at the legs on her. Perhaps I would be dating her if she weren’t me. Now, to help me say more, here’s my third least embarrassing child.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Ha-ha-ha. Very funny dad. And so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. These cards are fantastic. And a steal. And I know what you’re thinking, “$99? You can get two grams for that.” While I’m here I also wanted to share I’m selling a new Christmas CD from my fiance, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Hey babe, get that fine little butt out here.

[Kimberly Guilfoyle walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Whooo. Look at that. Whoa!

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Thank you. And I know you’re gonna love this Christmas album that I’m calling ‘Now that’s what no one calls music’. I guarantee you’ll [yelling] sleep in heavenly peace.

Donald Trump: Beautiful. Thank you.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle walk out]

There they go. What a terrible couple. So get your Trump digital trading cards today. They should be at the top of everyone’s Christmas list, really. You know what? Can we pull up my Christmas list? Let’s do it rundown style. Merry Christmas. Okay, we’re all saying Merry Christmas again. Right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish I think also. Your hearing Merry Christmas a lot more lately just like in Christmas Carol. I was visited last night by three ghosts last night including, I think… You know what? Actually you know what? It was four if you include Epstein, but it’s Christmas all over. With tree and toy and Santa. We love Santa though. We folks, we love Santa. But not Ron DeSanta. We don’t like this Santa so much. I mean that guy looks like a Roblox. And he’s not even much of a Santa, is he? He’s more of a Grinch. And Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas. But I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu. Man, we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again. Like how the whites tried to steal the Unobtanium in Avatar but the Navi fought back. They fought back so good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. He’s a great father. Now he’s got four blue kids now. You know, I’ve got four kids too. Five of you include Tiffany. But he’s a great NaVi dad. So in conclusion, Feliz Navidad. Merry Christmas and live from New York, it’s  Saturday night.