Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell
Heidi Gardner[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]
Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters] [Cheers and applause]
Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!
Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.
Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.
Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.[Cut to the reporters]
Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.[Cut to the reporters]
Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.[Cut to the reporters]
Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.
Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.[Gordon Sondland walks in]
I’m holding everybody up, okay?
Gordon Sondland: No.
Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.[Cut to the reporters]
Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]
Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.
Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?
Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.
Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.
Donald Trump: Thank you.
Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—
Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.
Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.
Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.
Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.
Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.