Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Republican logo and a caduceus at right top corner.]
Well, this week, republicans made their best effort to unite the country by presenting a new health care plan that everybody could hate together. Democrats are upset because a lot of poor people could lost their coverage. Conservatives are upset because it doesn’t repeal Obamacare enough. And I’m upset because its still doesn’t cover medicinal cocaine and I’ve got a screenplay to finish. I spent the money.
The White House is officially calling the bill the American Health Care Act and not as many people in the media have been calling it, Trumpcare, or they probably should be calling it, don’t care. “Are you old and poor and losing your coverage? Don’t care!”[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
How bad does something have to be for Trump not to want his name on it? This guy once put his name on a Ponzi scheme. [Picture changes to Trump University logo] But even for this, he’s like, “I don’t want to take all the credit.” It’d be like if Kanye’s next album was called “But enough about me.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a hospital and a caduceus at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was estimated the republican healthcare plan gives a $400 billion tax break to the rich. While the poor will receive a box of generic band aids and a travel size bottle of airborne. The republican plan to replace Obamacare would cut funding to planned parenthood. So, you might not get to keep your healthcare, but you ave to keep something else. [Picture changes to a baby] [Picture changes to Paul Ryan]
of the house, Paul Ryan gave congress a powerpoint presentation about the healthcare bill. Because nothing says “Trust me about the future” like powerpoint. Unfortunately, he clicked one slide too far and it got into a workout tips.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jason Chaffetz at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Representative Jason Chaffetz defended the cost of the new healthcare bill by saying if poor people want insurance, they will have to choose between healthcare and that new iPhone. Which is ridiculous. How are you supposed to even know when you need a doctor if you don’t have an iPhone to Facetime your junk to Colin and ask, “Hey, man, you ever get this before?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: I gave you a fake number. [Michael Che laughing] President Trump introduced his revised travel ban this week. Though, it’s probably not great. It’s just a bunch of brown color swatches. [Picture changes to a paper with five different color swatches printed on it.] [Picture changes to a calendar marked on March 16.]
The new travel ban will go into effect on March 16th and then on March 17th, we showcase the type of upstanding immigrants this country wants.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of CIA logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Wikileaks released documents saying the CIA can hack into personal devices and spy on people. Now, this is why I’m glad I have black grandparents. They told me the CIA was recording everything years ago. One year, I bought him a universal remote. He smashed it with a dress shoe and aid, “Boy, don’t you know that’s how they got Dr. King?”[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: President Trump this week also surprised a group of children on a tour of the White House. Let’s take a look at that.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump at White House. He comes out and shakes his both hands sideways.] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: He just popped out like a monster on Scooby Doo. Was he trying to scare those kids away from a treasure? Speaking of Scooby Doo, I think the eyes are moving in that painting behind him. But real quick, can we just turn up the audio and hear the kid’s reaction to Trump?[Cut to the same video clip where children scream.] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Nothing says ‘My presidency is going well’ like the screams of children. I thought the weirdest part was at the very end when Trump said, “Now which one of you kids wants to be the new US Attorney in New York?”