Tag: Turns

Weekend Update- Democrats Win Senate in 2022 Midterms, Rupert Murdoch Turns on Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

 Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

 Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

 Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of

[Cheers and applause]

[There’s a picture of a newspaper article that says “Democrats Retain Power in Senate” at left top corner.]

Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. [Cheers and applause] I don’t know if that’s really official, but we’re not a real news program, so I’m just gonna call it. I was actually surprised they won given President Biden’s low approval ratings. I guess Biden’s kind of like the “Jurassic World” movies, extremely successful despite a 4Michael Che% rating. [Laughter]

[Picture changes to Tucker Carlson]

Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through No Nut November, he criticized the voting— You guys are all doing it, too? Okay. Criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I’m actually not that worried about the voting machines. I’m worried that they’re being operated by the oldest people I’ve ever seen. Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers, one that said, “I voted,” and another that said, “I survived the Titanic.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The key Senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker will move on to a runoff in December. But Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know, take care of it, baby.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Black voters frustrated they must save the senate again”]

Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again. It’s happened so often, there’s already a movie about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hershel Walker at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: In a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America “The greatest country in the United States.” But, on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking saying, “I know I’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator.”

[Picture changes to Mark Kelly and Blake Masters]

Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters in the Arizona Senate race. Masters can now return to his true passion of… I’m gonna guess strangling hitchhikers?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024 but won’t make a final decision until early next year. Because it’s like his doctor told him, “I wouldn’t plan too far ahead.”

After this year’s election,a record setting 12 states will have female governors while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “25 year old elected to congress” at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen Z member of Congress. “Younger,” said Matt Gaetz.

[Picture changes to Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump]

Rupert Murdoch, this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the “New York Post” ran a cover calling Ron DeSantis Ron DeFuture, even though Rhonda Future sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then on Thursday, the “Post” showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline, “Trumpty Dumpty,”which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of the state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Covid leads to iPhone production delay at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: Apple is saying that COVID in China has led to a slowdown in iPhone production. Wow. So I guess the new variant does affect children.

I love this crowd.

 Colin Jost: Nearly half a billion dollars was spent in California on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online but failed by a wide margin. Said supporters of the bill, “Okay, double or nothing.”

Weekend Update Instagrams Blackout and Fox News Turns 25

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

Well, this week we found out that sometimes a guy in a hoodie actually can be dangerous. Internal documents show that Facebook knew its platform was used to spread hate and information but they hid the evidence. Now, the weird thing is I went to school with Mark Zuckerberg and I was there when he created Facebook. And I feel terrible. I mean sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to college and find Mark and say, “Hey man, can I be part of your company?”

Facebook is also denying a report that says using Instagram can cause users to develop a negative body image, which explains their rival’s new slogan “TikTok, bring your fat ass over here”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Instagram logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Instagram was down for an entire day, forced many Instagram addicts to fill their time with Twitter, TikTok or hosting SNL. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian hosting SNL monologue]

Fox News turned 25 this week and they celebrated their birthday the same way I do. By paying white women to say some nasty stuff.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell smiling with his thumbs up at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child fall into the gorilla enclosure, McConnell has agreed to a deal to temporarily raise the debt ceiling through early December. And then at that point, it’ll be almost Christmas and McConnell will be busy going around Toys for Tots bins and gluing them shut.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Yesterday, president Biden issued a historic proclamation for indigenous people’s day. Biden made the announcement just moments after his staff talked him out of wearing the headrest. Indigenous peoples’ day by the way will be observed simultaneously with Columbus day. [listening to his headset] And this just in, Columbus day has forced Indigenous Peoples’ day to move to a worse day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that ahead of the deadline for all New York city schools’ employees to get vaccinated, more than 18,000 employees got at least one shot last week. And hopefully some of them got the vaccine too.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

In the wake of R. Kelly’s sex trafficking conviction, YouTube has removed two channels linked with the singer. One for his singing and the other about how to remove stains.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Bill Cosby and R. Kelly at left top corner.]

It’s been a pleasure working here.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Bill Cosby said he thinks R. Kelly “Got railroaded” following the singer’s sex trafficking conviction. Cosby made the comments in the latest issue of “Not Helping” magazine.

Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Weekend Update- Starbucks Turns 50, Naked Rock Climber

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Starbucks celebrated 50th anniversary. Also celebrating its 50th anniversary, [cut to turkey bacon sandwich inside Starbucks] the turkey bacon sandwich in the display case.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: 15 million doses of Johnson&Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix up at the factory. But the good news is, now your shampoo might cure covid.

[Picture changes to Pfizer logo]

Pfizer also said that its covid vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. “Well, that’s a relief”, said Matt Gaetz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a soccer ball at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US Men soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row. But fellas, keep your heads up and remember that win or lose, you will always get paid more than the women’s team.

[picture changes to a rock cliff]

A New Jersey woman who posts pictures of herself rock climbing while naked says that it is not pornographic but– I don’t know, that rock looks pretty hard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There a picture of a robot inside a plane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that used ultraviolet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone, Spirit airlines just taped a glow stick to a roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at April 2, a ferret and a jar of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday was national peanut butter day and national ferret day. And I celebrate both with a very, very dangerous trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Taiwan and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. I’m sorry, “Thought he was cheating”?