Weekend Update Instagrams Blackout and Fox News Turns 25

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

Well, this week we found out that sometimes a guy in a hoodie actually can be dangerous. Internal documents show that Facebook knew its platform was used to spread hate and information but they hid the evidence. Now, the weird thing is I went to school with Mark Zuckerberg and I was there when he created Facebook. And I feel terrible. I mean sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to college and find Mark and say, “Hey man, can I be part of your company?”

Facebook is also denying a report that says using Instagram can cause users to develop a negative body image, which explains their rival’s new slogan “TikTok, bring your fat ass over here”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Instagram logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Instagram was down for an entire day, forced many Instagram addicts to fill their time with Twitter, TikTok or hosting SNL. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian hosting SNL monologue]

Fox News turned 25 this week and they celebrated their birthday the same way I do. By paying white women to say some nasty stuff.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell smiling with his thumbs up at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child fall into the gorilla enclosure, McConnell has agreed to a deal to temporarily raise the debt ceiling through early December. And then at that point, it’ll be almost Christmas and McConnell will be busy going around Toys for Tots bins and gluing them shut.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Yesterday, president Biden issued a historic proclamation for indigenous people’s day. Biden made the announcement just moments after his staff talked him out of wearing the headrest. Indigenous peoples’ day by the way will be observed simultaneously with Columbus day. [listening to his headset] And this just in, Columbus day has forced Indigenous Peoples’ day to move to a worse day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that ahead of the deadline for all New York city schools’ employees to get vaccinated, more than 18,000 employees got at least one shot last week. And hopefully some of them got the vaccine too.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

In the wake of R. Kelly’s sex trafficking conviction, YouTube has removed two channels linked with the singer. One for his singing and the other about how to remove stains.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Bill Cosby and R. Kelly at left top corner.]

It’s been a pleasure working here.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Bill Cosby said he thinks R. Kelly “Got railroaded” following the singer’s sex trafficking conviction. Cosby made the comments in the latest issue of “Not Helping” magazine.

Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Weekend Update- Starbucks Turns 50, Naked Rock Climber

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Starbucks celebrated 50th anniversary. Also celebrating its 50th anniversary, [cut to turkey bacon sandwich inside Starbucks] the turkey bacon sandwich in the display case.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: 15 million doses of Johnson&Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix up at the factory. But the good news is, now your shampoo might cure covid.

[Picture changes to Pfizer logo]

Pfizer also said that its covid vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. “Well, that’s a relief”, said Matt Gaetz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a soccer ball at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US Men soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row. But fellas, keep your heads up and remember that win or lose, you will always get paid more than the women’s team.

[picture changes to a rock cliff]

A New Jersey woman who posts pictures of herself rock climbing while naked says that it is not pornographic but– I don’t know, that rock looks pretty hard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There a picture of a robot inside a plane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that used ultraviolet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone, Spirit airlines just taped a glow stick to a roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at April 2, a ferret and a jar of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday was national peanut butter day and national ferret day. And I celebrate both with a very, very dangerous trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Taiwan and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. I’m sorry, “Thought he was cheating”?