Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]
Michael Che: The makers of Twinkies announced a new cereal based on the snack cakes. And this is nice. Every box comes with a t-shirt you kid can wear in the pool.
Colin Jost: LifeTime has announced a spin-off of their new hit show “Married At First Sight” that catches up on couples from the show. The spin-off if called “Divorced or Murdered?”
Joe Exotic, the subject of the Netflix series “Tiger King” said that he wants Brad Pitt to play him in a movie version of his life. Which is sort of like if ‘The Colin Jost’ story starred Denzel Washington.
Michael Che: A woman in England baked a cake for a charity fundraiser that was in the shape of a rollup toilet paper. The icing was vanilla with a little streaks of chocolate. That’s a good cake.
Colin Jost: A couple has created a miniature versions of classic paintings to display for their durables. They say the toughest part was getting the paintings to also fit up their ass.
Michael Che: What happened to you?
Colin Jost: A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their homes at a senior home in Germany have started performing outside their windows. Even though saying, “I see clowns outside my window,” is how you end up in a home.
Michael Che: A male panda at a zoo in Hong Kong has for the first time mated with his female companion of ten years, after she finally agreed to get implants. [A picture of a panda with breasts appears.]
That’s funny. You know guys, by the way, this is really fun. And as you know, Colin, I lost my grandmother this week. And coming back to work really made me feel better. Specially with you.
Colin Jost: Aw. Thank you.
Michael Che: My favorite part of this show was when would do joke swap. You have no idea but, I don’t know, maybe would you like to do one right now?
Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Wow, that started out so sweet.
Michael Che: Yeah. No. Well, I mean, she would have really liked it.
Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Michael Che: So, I sent– I had Pete send you a joke in your email if you can just open up and read it.
Colin Jost: [pulling out the laptop] This is my laptop that I just received my email on. [reading the email] Oh my god!
Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. She would really like this.
Colin Jost: Yeah. She would love. Okay. For her then, I’ll say this. Great.
Two professors at the University of Oklahoma have been cited for using the N word in class. In their defense, the students were being pretty lazy.
Michael Che: Damn! My grandmother has never seen this show. I just wanted you to do that.
Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Michael Che: She woke up at like, 4 AM dude, to pray. You think she’d watch Saturday Night Live? Never. But I really appreciate it. That made this night perfect, man. Thank you. Aw, man. For Weekend Update, I’m Martha’s grand baby.
Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.