Tidal Music Streaming

Kenan Thompson

Tyler… Bobby Moynihan

Nicholson… Jay Pharoah

Riley… Sasheer Zamata

Chloe… Ariana Grande

[Starts with Tidal Streaming Music Headquarters]

Kenan: Alright. It’s time for the three PM tidal system’s check. Drake’s stream.

Tyler: Running smooth sir.

Kenan: Coldplay

Nicholson: No lag time, full bit-rate sir.

Kenan: Billy Joel

Riley: No fire started over here, sir.

Kenan: Swinging to miss, Danielson.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Here’s your coffee, sir.

Kenan: Oh, thank you, Chloe. Well, it looks like it’s another incident free day here at Tidal Music Streaming.

[The lights go off]

What the hell was that?

Tyler: Looks like the power’s out, sir.

Riley: Backup generators, up and running.

Kenan: Alright, let’s do systems check. One Direction?

Tyler: All good, sir.

Kenan: Kendrick Lamar?

Nicholson: Coming throughout and clear.

Kenan: Britney Spears?

Riley: Looks like we’re gonna lose Britney Spears stream in thirty seconds.

Kenan: We already beefed the Kanye and Rihanna album releases! Tyler, we cannot afford another glitch. What do we do?

Tyler: Sir, I heard Chloe the intern singing some Britney Spears in the hallway. Is that true, Chloe? Can you sing like Britney Spears?

[Chloe looking nervous]

Chloe: Kind of.

Kenan: Riley, open the channel. Chloe, the future of Tidal is in your hands.

Chloe: But I’m shy.

Kenan: Well, try, dammit! People need their Britney Spears.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go
And now you’re out of sight, yeah
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Britney Spears is up and running.

Kenan: That was close. Well done, Chloe.

Tyler: Oh, no sir. We are about to lose the Shakira stream.

Nicholson: Perfect! Chloe’s Hispanic.

Chloe: That’s a common mistake. I’m actually just very, very Italian.

Kenan: Well, can you do Shakira?

Chloe: I can try.

[music playing] [singing] Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Can’t you see
I’m at your feet
Whenever, wherever
We’re meant to be together
I’ll be there and you’ll be near
And that’s the deal my dear

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Shakira is online and streaming.

Kenan: Job well done. Job well done. You need some water?

Nicholson: Old time, sir. Ariana Grande channel is down.

Kenan: Chloe. Can you do Ariana Grande?

Chloe: Nay, sorry, not a big fan.

Tyler: Oh, forget it sir. Because we just lost a big one. Rihanna’s down.

Kenan: Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna.

[music playing] [singing] Work, work, work, work, work, work
He said me haffi
Work, work, work, work, work, work
He see me do mi
Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt
So me put in
Work, work, work, work, work, work

[beep beep]

Tyler: Back on. The Rihanna stream is re-buffered and good to go.

Kenan: Was that okay? I truly don’t know what she’s saying.

Kenan: Ay, nobody does.

Riley: I got bad news, boss. The 90s Diva’s playlist is glitching.

Kenan: Can you handle it Chloe? I mean that’s a lot of women.

Chloe: There’s only one way to find out.

Riley: We just lost Celine Dion

[music playing] Kenan: [singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it
Right outside the window

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Celine Dion is at onehundre%. But now we’re losing Whitney Houston.

Kenan: Oh, come on. Take a song.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] And I wish you joy
And happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
And I…
Will always love you
I…
Will always love you
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. The power’s fully restored.

Tyler: All streams are up and running.

Kenan: Ah! You did it Chloe. Jay Z would be proud.

Nicholson: Yeah! You bet I am. [Nicholson wears his hat] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Nicholson, you was Jay-Z this whole time?

Nicholson: Ts-yeah. You know, I wanted to see how my company was doing out of that boss style, you know? Yo Chloe, you single handedly just saved Tidal. You said you were just an intern?

Chloe: Yes.

Nicholson: Yeah, that’s great. Can you get me a vince cappuccino?

Tyler: Yeah, I’ll take a Grande.

[everybody starts demanding coffee so Chloe runs away]

Uber For Jen

Jen… Elizabeth Banks

Tyler… Mike O’Brien

Beck Bennett

Tyler’s wife… Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with ‘Mike O’Brien Picture’ video bumper] [Cut to a woman entering a car]

Jen: Uber for Jen?

[Tyler looks back at Jen]

Did you get my destination. I’m going to 91st in Amsterdam. You’re kind of going in an insane route. Just make the next left. Just coming up right here, and you missed it. Okay, it’s cool, you can just take the next left. And left… oh, missed it. Um, is this Uber for Jen? Do you speak English?

[Tyler stops by a drive through]

Tyler: Can I get a number two combo, no pickles?

Jen: And a peach banana smoothie, grande?

[The drive through passes the packed food to Tyler]

Tyler: Great, thank you.

[The drive through passes the smoothie to Jen, but Tyler drives away and the smoothie falls down.]

Jen: So not cool. Okay, neither one of us wants to give the other a bad rating. So, let’s just be focused. My phone says your best bait is take a U-turn right up here and go back 20 miles. So we’re gonna make a U-turn right… you missed it. Is this an Uber for Jen? U-turn. U-turn.

[Cut to Tyler and Beck in a meeting]

Beck: I’m sorry Mr. Tyler but we can’t help you with the house that’s that expensive. If you and Mrs. Tyler…

[Jen is sitting beside Tyler]

Tyler: Oh, she is not my wife.

Jen: Ah! I’m Jen. 91st in Amsterdam.

Beck: Oh, yeah, makes more sense. You said your wife was nine months pregnant.

Tyler: Yeah, she is.

Jen: She is? Oh!

[Cut to Jen and Tyler shopping for the baby, having ice cream, taking selfies and spending time together.]

Clueless or mean girls?

Tyler: [looking back] Oh, that’s tough.

Jen: [scared] Oh my god!

[the car hits someone]

Tyler: Oh, my god. Oh, I think I just hit a dude.

[Cut to Jen and Tyler getting rid of the dead body in an alley]

Jen: Oh, my god!

[Tyler stops the car in hurry] [A turtle is slowly crossing the road]

Tyler: Close call.

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting in the car]

Tyler’s wife: Oh my god. I think my water just broke.

[Jen is looking at Tyler’s wife while Tyler’s wife is screaming while Tyler is driving.] [Cut to Tyler’s wife getting off the car with a baby and waving goodbye to Jen and Tyler] [Tyler’s wife gives birth to a baby in the car]

Jen: Oh, 91st in Amsterdam. Hey, my friend actually lives here. How did you know?

Tyler: The app shows me where to go.

Jen: So you are my Uber driver.

Tyler: Yeap.

Jen: Cool, thanks. Bye.

Tyler: Bye.

[Tyler rates Jen only three stars.] [Dan gets in the car]

Dan: Hey, Uber for Dan? Take a left up here. Yep, just right up here. And… left. Ha-ha. Dammit! That was the…

[Cut to credit scene]

[Directed by Matt and Oz]

Boop-it

Mikey Day

Tyler… Chris Redd

Jenna… Chloe Fineman

Mark… Beck Bennett

Dietra… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with black and white video of Mikey, Tyler and Jenna playing chess and getting bored.]

Female voice: Tired of the same old games? Then get ready for…

[The black and white video is now color video] [Mikey, Tyler and Jenna getting excited with boop-it on their table]

Kids: Huh! Boop-it!

Female voice: A memory building game that’s fun for the whole family. all you gotta do is…

Mikey: Boop-it. Twist-it. Honk-it. Squish-it.

Jenna: Nice!

Female voice: Made for kids of all ages.

[Mark walks in. He’s an adult.]

Mark: Can I try?

Mikey: Yeah, go for it, dad! Boop-it!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kids: Oh! Nice try, dad!

Tyler: Maybe next time, Mr. Williams. Boop-it!

[Mark leaves it]

Female voice: Nine different actions, the possibilities are endless.

Tyler: Honk-it. Smush-it. Boop-it!

Female voice: But don’t get one wrong.

[Jenna presses the wrong button] [wrong answer buzzer]

Kids: Oh!

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Maybe next time, Jenna! Hah!

[Mark leaves again]

Female voice: See who can boop-it best, and be the boop-it boss.

[Mark walks in again]

Mark: My turn. Jenny just went. I was after her.

[Mark takes away the game]

Mikey: I think it’s Tyler’s turn, dad!

Mark: Tyler, your mom just called. She wants you to go home. She wants you home.

Tyler: She does?

Mark: Yeah, bye! See ya! There’s the door.

Jenna: Bye Tyler!

Mark: Now that I can actually concentrate, I can do it.

Female voice: Concentration’s the name of the game when you…

Mikey: Twist-it.

[Mark presses the button] [wrong answer buzzer]

Mark: Whatever! Piece of [bleep] ! I’m going in.

Female voice: The game is so fun, you won’t be able to put it down.

[Mark is playing and the kids are just watching]

Mark: It’s almost easy, but it’s so good!

Mikey: Go, dad!

Jenna: Yeah!

Mark: Get Tyler back here. He should see this.

[Cut to Dietra looking at Mark]

Dietra: Mark!

Mark: Dammit, Dietra! You messed me up!

Dietra: You were supposed to drop the kids off two hours ago.

[Mark with a whiskey on his one hand and boop-it on the other hand]

Mark: Well, I couldn’t do that, could I?

Dietra: Guys, car!

[The kids get ready to leave]

Mikey: Bye dad!

[Mikey tries to take the boop-it, but Mark doesn’t let him take it.]

Dietra: Have they eaten?

[Cut to Mark quietly sipping his whiskey]

Goodnight, Mark!

Mark: No, wait! Dietra, let’s give it one more try, baby!

Dietra: Oh, god!

Female voice: The boop-it!

[Cut to Mark playing boop-it alone. Is throws away the boop-it and starts crying.] [The End]

Bad Boys

Tyler… Kyle Mooney

Ben… Beck Bennett

Maxie… Chris Pratt

Robbie

[Starts with Tyler with his carpenter tools hanging a framed on the wall] [Tyler turns around and the canvas falls]

Ben: Please, don’t quit your day job.

[Cut to Maxie walking in the door]

Maxie: [sighs] Hey, Ben. Hey Tyler.

[Cut to Tyler walking forward]

Tyler: Hey, what’s up with you?

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: I guess I’m just having trouble making friends outside.

[Cut to Tyler and Ben]

Tyler: What? But you’re nice. If people don’t see that, then they don’t deserve to be your friend.

[Cut to Mirage Diner. Maxie rides his bike past three kids.]

Robbie: Hey! You go pretty fast.

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: I like to ride my bike fast.

[Cut to the kids]

Robbie: You wanna be part of our group?

[Cut to Maxie and the kids]

Maxie: Sounds cool. Thanks for letting me be a part of your group.

Robbie: No problem.

[Cut to Tyler sticking the frame with tapes.] [Cut to the kids walking in the door]

Robbie: Is Maxie here?

[Cut to Tyler and Ben]

Tyler: Yeah, he’s in his room.

[The kids walk pass Tyler and Ben]

Robbie: Hey, that’s a really nice ball.

Ben: Thanks.

Robbie: Check you later, dudes.

Tyler: Check you later, dudes?

Ben: You’re not gonna let Maxie hang out with him, are you?

Tyler: Maxie is his own person. He’s not gonna be influenced by boys like that.

[Cut to Maxie walking in dressed up like the kids.]

Tyler: Maxie?

Maxie: We’re going outside.

[Maxie and the kids walk pass Tyler and Ben.]

Tyler: Hey, just make sure you come back by 9 o’clock for your favorite TV show.

Maxie: No problem. Check you later, dudes.

[Maxie leaves with the kids] [Cut to Tyler and Ben some time later]

Ben: Worrying is not gonna bring Maxie home any sooner.

[Cut to Maxie comes home]

Tyler: Where were you?

Maxie: Listen, I’m sorry I’m late. Me and the guys ended up going to the park.

[Cut to Tyler]

Tyler: I called the park. They’ve been closed for two hours. You missed our favorite show. I’m not gonna let you hang out with Robbie anymore.

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: Hey, listen! You can’t tell who I get to hang out with. [Maxie walks away to his room] This is a fight! [Shuts the door] [Cut to Maxie and the kids in the hall listening to rock music.]

Maxie: Hey, Ice, wanna play ball?

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: I wish. I don’t have a ball.

[Cut to Robbie]

Robbie: I think where we can get one.

[Cut to Maxie. There’s a ball behind him.]

Maxie: You wanna steal Ben’s ball?

[Cut to Robbie]

Robbie: I’m not gonna steal his ball. You are. [Robbie shows a gun in his buckle] [Cut to Maxie taking the ball. Maxie and Maxie start playing the ball in the hall.] [Ben walks in and looks at all of them] [The kids run away.]

Maxie: Oh, hey, Ben. Is this your ball?

[Cut to Ben. He looks upset and doesn’t reply] [Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: Ben, I need to talk to you. I knew that this was your ball.

Ben: I get it Maxie.

Maxie: I didn’t wanna steal it. But it’s just so hard to say no to my new friends.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: You mean the friends who just ditched you and left you hanging out to dry?

[Cut to Tyler walking in the house]

Tyler: Hey, Ben, Maxie.

[Cut to Ben and Maxie]

Maxie: Hey, Tyler. You were right about Robbie. [Cut to Tyler, Ben and Maxie] I’m sorry about our fight.

[Cut to Tyler]

Tyler: Thank you for opening up to me. The fight is over.

[Cut to Ben and Maxie]

Ben: Okay.

Maxie: Cool

[Ends with outro]

Spooky Song

Heidi Gardner

Tyler… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chance the Rapper

Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of full moon under the clouds] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to a couple walking in the graveyard]

Heidi: Baby, this is too creepy. Let’s just go back to the party.

Tyler: Come on, it’s Halloween. We’ve got to hook up in a grave yard.

Heidi: Do we though?

[A big lightning strikes and dead people walk out of their graves dancing]

Tyler? What’s happening?

Tyler: I don’t know.

[Music starts playing]

The deads: On Halloween, your breath is taken

For tonight, the dead awaken

Listen well our living friends

and hear how we all met our ends

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, my god, Tyler, they’re going to sing about how they died.

Tyler: I know, I’m scared!

[Cut to a skeleton playing a piano] [Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I was a captain at my ship’s wheel

A heart of gold and nerves of Steel

I fell overboard one night so dark

and I swam just fine, but so did the shark

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy: I was a debutante, the bell of the ball

Men would chase me for spring to fall

I never met a flame that I couldn’t handle

Until my gown met a candle

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: We can skip me. Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Is that all he’s going to do?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Mikey: Yeah, I was wondering the same. That was it?

Chance: Yes, skip me.

Mikey: Okay, I’ll go, then. Nobody has ever skipped before. I’m sorry,

[Cut to Mikey Day]

I was a miner, digging for gold

Then one day, I hit the mother lode

I grabbed a cigar, gave it a light

turned out my stogie was dynamite

[Chance walks in]

Chance: Wow. Everyone did great. I think we’re done here, right?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan:  No. Uh-huh. It’s a diddy of the damned. All four of us have a tale to tell about deaths before we can go back to our graves. That’s how it works. So come on.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Chance: Well, here’s my thing, my death was a real “You had to be there” kind of situation. It needs a lot of context, so I don’t want to waste everybody’s time.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: Sing now!

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Chance: Oh, my god. Fine. I’ll go. Ready?

One dark night with the moon so red

what killed me happened and now I’m dead

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Wait, but like, how did you die?

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: How? A ghost never tells.

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: They do, though. That’s what this whole song is about.

Tyler: Is he allowed to be vague like that?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: He is not!

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: All right. It’s going to sound way worse that it actually is. You guys know what a 9-volt battery is, right? It’s important for the song.

At 12 years old, I sat on a 9-volt

It gave me heinie a quick little jolt

I liked how it felt, so I did it a lot

So I built up a tolerance to a lower watt

Then realized there’s no higher volt

than the one comes from a lightning bolt

So one stormy night I went on a roof

and put a metal pole in my ass

Yo, why y’all— I can’t do this right now. Y’all are looking at me like I’m some sort of freak or something.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: No one is judging you.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Yes, you are. Look at that owl.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Forget about the owl and just finish the song.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Okay, god. All right, everybody remember where we left off?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yes. You’re on the roof with a pole in your ass. I’ve done the same thing myself.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Really?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: No, man! It’s weird at hell! Just go!

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Whatever.

Like Benjamin Franklin with his key and kite

That lightning hit my pole that night

I squealed with delight but I quietly stopped

when my insides fried and my colon popped

and my ass burnt off and my thing caught on fire

and my face caught on fire and I wet in my pants

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you, man?

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Nothing. I was a kid, man. Kids do weird stuff.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: You died in your 20s.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Whatever! Let’s just finish the song.

[All the deads come together to sing]

The deads: Listen to the dead and the voices of the past

And live every day like it’s your last

Happy Halloween.