Aunt Jemima… Maya Rudolph
Uncle Ben… Kenan Thompson
Allstate guy… Dave Chappelle
Count Chocula… Pete Davidson[Starts with Dave Chappelle in SNL stage speaking to the viewers]
Dave Chappelle: Hey, everybody. I hope you’re having good time at home watching the show. It has been a long hard time. I know a lot of people have lost their jobs and that this climate has unfortunately made a lot of black people lose their jobs. This next piece is about just that. It’s about two black people who’ve lost their jobs because of this new social climate we’re all trying to figure out. Sadly these two black people may never get those jobs back. Enjoy.[Cut to a office meeting.]
Alec: I’m sorry. It’s just not working out. We have to let you go.
Aunt Jemima: But I’m aunt Jemima! [audience laughing] Who doesn’t love my pancakes?
Mikey: Everyone loves your pancakes, Aunt Jemima.
Alec: It’s you. You’re the problem.
Aunt Jemima: Me? What did I do?
Alec: It’s not what you did. It’s how you make us feel about what we did.
Aunt Jemima: But you can’t fire me. I’m a slave. That’s the only good thing about your job. The job security.
Alec: We understand that.
Aunt Jemima: No. You don’t understand. [sad music playing] All I ever did was my pancakes. And that’s why Aunt Jemima pancakes are the fluffiest, the butteriest, mouth watering pancakes on the shelves. The secret is I use my own breast milk. [winks]
Alec: Aunt Jemima, this is hard for us too. We love you.
Heidi: And thank you for breast feeding our children.
Aunt Jemima: It’s because I’m a woman. Isn’t it? What about uncle Ben?
Uncle Ben: Oh, dammit woman! Don’t you drag me into this mess.
Aunt Jemima: Look. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.
Alec: Actually, uncle Ben, she’s right.
Heidi: Yes, we have to let you go too for the same reason.
Uncle Ben: But you can’t do this to me. I’m uncle Ben! I got so many nieces and nephews to take care of.
Mikey: You’ll be fine. Just do something else.
Uncle Ben: But all I know is rice. [sad music playing] White rice. Brown rice. Wild rice. Yellow rice. Four cheese. Basmati.
Alec: Look. It’s not personal uncle Ben. It’s just we have to clean house.
Uncle Ben: Come on, now. We know white people don’t clean their own house.
Aunt Jemima: Yeah. You talking slaves.
Uncle Ben: This is ridiculous. If we can’t work, how come the Allstate guy gets to work?[Allstate guy stands]
Allstate guy: [bold voice] Now wait a cotton picking minute, uncle Ben. Oh, I knew you’d sell me out.
Uncle Ben: It ain’t personal, son. But if we’re getting fire, you should be getting fired too.
Aunt Jemima: Yeah. Fire Allstate guy too.
Allstate guy: Stop calling me Allstate guy. I have a name. It’s ‘Guy from Waiting to Exhale.’
Alec: Well, whatever your name is, you’re getting fired too.
Allstate guy: Man, I’m not even a food product. I sell security. My deep black voice makes white people feel safe. Like they’re in good hands.
Alec: That may be so. But you’re still black. And it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Allstate guy: Well, I’m a real person. There are mere characters. If anything, why don’t you fire Count Chocula. How come he’s still working, huh?
Count Chocula: What? But I’m not even black. I’m made of chocolate.
Allstate guy: Likely story. Let me tell you something. These streets are going to eat you alive, you chocolaty nigga!
Count Chocula: Don’t call me that.
Aunt Jemima: If he’s chocolate, then I’m chocolate too.
Uncle Ben: Yeah. I’m chocolate too.
Alec: I don’t care what you want to call yourselves. You’re all fired.
Count Chocula: No. But I’m actually chocolate. I’m not black at all.
Allstate guy: [banging the table] Riiculous. Another likely story. Look at them big chocolaty lips behind them fangs. Big old fat lips. Seriously, America. Look at Pete Davidson’s lips.
Count Chocula: Okay. Maybe I got some Italian in there somewhere.
Allstate guy: Some Italian? Then we’ll put you on some spaghetti you chocolate bitch.
Alec: Alright. That’s enough. You’re all fired except for Allstate guy.
Allstate guy: Thank you very much.
Uncle Ben: Alright. Fine. We’ll leave, but remember, you made a very big mistake.
Aunt Jemima: Um-hmm.