Gino’s girlfriend… Jennifer Lopez

Cousin… Melissa Villaseñor

Uncle Johnny… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl wearing a bangle sized earring]

Gino’s girlfriend: Glittering. Sparkly. Circles. Those are how you make a hoop.

[Cut to Gino’s girlfriend and her cousin in Hoops store]

Hi. I’m Geno’s girlfriend.

Cousin: And I’m her cousin.

Gino’s girlfriend: Do you need an earring that says, “I fight other women?”

Cousin: Do you want to wear a bracelet but on your sides of your head?

Gino’s girlfriend: Then you need hoops from our store called HOOPS.

Cousin: Located next to the bagel store that caught on fire.

Gino’s girlfriend: Our HOOPS are the highest quality things you’re ever going to see.

Cousin: Made from 100% metal.

Gino’s girlfriend: So luxurious, they’ll turn your ears the color of money.

Cousin: We’ve got hoops for every occasion.

Gino’s girlfriend: Birthday dinner.

Cousin: Anniversary trip.

Gino’s girlfriend: Ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Cousin: Woman on the street interview about subway problems.

Gino’s girlfriend: Confronting Barbara.

Cousin: Accusing Barbara.

Gino’s girlfriend: Calling back to Barbara.

Cousin: And of course, Saturday mass. Show off your personality with a customized hoop.

Gino’s girlfriend: You can put any word on a hoop. Your name.

Cousin: Not your name.

Gino’s girlfriend: XOXO.

Cousin: Daddy’s little girl.

Gino’s girlfriend: Daddy’s big bitch.

Cousin: Diabetic.

Gino’s girlfriend: Or your favorite designer like Versushi.

Cousin: Couch.

Gino’s girlfriend: DKNYPD,

Cousin: And Vallengina.

[Uncle Johnny walks in] Uncle Johnny: Hey, hey, hey. Hello, my beautiful girls.

Gino’s girlfriend: Hi.

[Uncle Johnny gives kiss to both Gino’s girlfriend and Cousin]

Gino’s girlfriend:  This is our uncle Johnny.

Cousin: He brings us the hoops from – where do they come from again?

Uncle Johnny: Don’t worry about it. Hey, you know what? There’s more where that came from. God, I wish your daddy was dead so could I walk you both down the aisle to me.

Cousin: Thanks, uncle Johnny.

Gino’s girlfriend: Thanks, uncle Johnny.

[Uncle Johnny leaves]

Are they made of real gold? Sure. Why not?

Cousin: Do you still feel like “I can’t wear hoops?”

Gino’s girlfriend: Don’t be stupid. Hoop earrings go with everything. Fur coat.

Cousin: PJs.

Gino’s girlfriend: Wedding dress.

Cousin: Communion dress.

Gino’s girlfriend: Tiger stripes.

Cousin: Zebra skins.

Gino’s girlfriend: And bubble bath.

Cousin: Do you under dress for an exclusive event like a christening?

Gino’s girlfriend: Yeah. Do you look like garbage a little bit and wish you didn’t?

Cousin: Go, get some hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: Put on hoops and people will think, “She looks nice.” Like a rapper’s accountant.

Cousin: Thanks, hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: Let your ear lobes get married to your shoulder.

Cousin: Give your ear a promise ring, and that promise is, “This is gonna get ripped off by a baby.”

Gino’s girlfriend: Oh! Very important! Don’t hold a baby with these. Babies love hoops and they are very grabbing people.

Cousin: Speaking of babies–

Gino’s girlfriend: When you look at your baby daughter, do you think, “How could I respect you?”

Cousin: Does your baby look weak?

Gino’s girlfriend: You already know.

Both: Give her hoops.

Cousin: What’s your baby going to take out before a fight? Hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: So come on down to the hoops. You know what they say.

Both: The bigger the hoops, it hurts more.

Announcer: Located, you know what, right around where Dino works. I think.