Weekend Update- Jeanine Pirro on the Mexico–United States Border

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: And now, as a last special treat, here to give her parting thoughts tonight is judge Jeanine Pirro.

[Jeanine Pirro slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I have not seen you in a while.

Jeanine Pirro: [spilling a little wine on Colin Jost every time she talks] Oh, I’m still here. My show on Fox is on every Saturday at nine, a full hour before the nursing homes turn off the TV in the lobby. But I did take some time off recently. I went down to the most luxurious place on earth, Mar-A-Lago. Oh, it’s like being on a cruise ship that’s permanently docked in the hottest part of Florida in between two classy strip clubs, you know, where the gals wear ball gowns. There’s an endless buffet of rubbery shrimp and the air smells like a bathroom stall that’s been freshly sprayed with poopouri.

Colin Jost: That sounds wonderful, but you really don’t have to be so loud.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, go ahead and judge me, Colin. But I’m proud to be a small town girl who grew up on an airport turmac.

Colin Jost: I’m assuming you’re not very happy with the job that president Biden is doing.

Jeanine Pirro: He’s a disaster! Have you seen the border? If Joe Biden had his way, we’d let everyone in from El Chapo to Del Taco.

Colin Jost: I’m not sure that’s true.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I am. And now they want to put Kamala Harris in charge of the border. Sorry, Kama-lama-ding-dong. Not on my watch.

Colin Jost: That seems a little racist.

Jeanine Pirro: A little racist? Have you been listening to me? Colin, even as I watch our beautiful country get over run by a gang of MS-Colin Jost3 angriest Mexican lesbians, I’m still standing strong. Because I always did it my way. Hold that Colin. [passes the wine glass to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Sure.

[music playing]

Jeanine Pirro: [singing] Now, the end is near
and so I face the final curtain

Sorry, Colin.

[singing] Friends, I’ll say it clear, 

I made my case of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full

Bring in my other wine.

I traveled each and every highway.

[someone brings in a giant glass container full of wine with a giant straw]

And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

[Jeanine Pirro gets into the giant container of wine]
[Jeanine Pirro fills her empty glass, and swinging her hand to the music, throws the wine on Colin Jost.]

I did it my way
I did it my way

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.