Tag: Up

Waking Up

Doctor… Bowen Yang

Charlie… Pedro Pascal

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Sarah Sherman

Heidi: Doctor, I can’t believe this. How long has my husband been awake?

Bowen: Since this morning. And hey, call me Dr. Jim. He’s still very weak after the coma, but his mouth is moving and it seems like he wants to speak.

Kenan: Oh my god, I thought I lost my best friend. This is a miracle.

Sarah: I know. Look, he’s waking up.

Heidi: Charlie. Hey, it’s me. Welcome back.

Charlie: Oh my god. Where am I? Why am I in a bed? I don’t got anything that’s going on right now.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: It’s very common. He’s gonna be a little confused at first.

Charlie: Why is everybody-? Who is everybody? Why am I wearing paper?

Kenan: Did you say paper? Now that your hospital robe, buddy?

Heidi: Yeah, honey, you were in a little accident.

Charlie: Why are you calling me honey? Who are you?

Heidi: I’m your wife.

Charlie: Okay, not today.

Heidi: Did he say “Not today?” Honey, we’ve been married for eight years.

Charlie: Let’s just put a pin in that.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: He may not recognize you right now. But the important thing is, is that he’s up and talking.

Kenan: Yeah, but he’s talking with this like LA Mosh mouth thing. I mean, I’ve literally never heard that before.

Charlie: You think I sound LA? Thank you. I love LA.

Heidi: He has a totally different personality.

Doctor: This is completely normal and temporary. There’s even been instances of people coming out of comas and speaking foreign languages they could never before.

Charlie: Can I speak Spanish? Let me try. Saba, saba, sama, sama. Sounds like Spanish to me.

Kenan: No. It’s not Spanish. Is his brain okay?

Doctor: Let’s find out. Charlie, listen very carefully. You measure my life in two hours. And I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. What am I?

Charlie: Duh, you’re a condo.

Doctor: He’s fine.

Heidi: That’s how you test for brain damage? [pulls out her phone] Okay honey, look at this video. This is what you normally sound like.

Charlie [in video]: Hey babe, made it to Arkansas. Pretty cool place. Miss you.

Charlie: Okay, he’s the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Why does he live in Arkansas?

Sarah: No, Charlie, that’s you. You are on a business trip in Arkansas. That’s where you got hit by that Party City Truck.

Charlie: That’s not me. And who are you? Another wife?

Sarah: No, I’m not your wife. I’m your sister.

Charlie: Let’s put a pin in that.

Heidi: Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things? Are you sure his brand is okay?

Doctor: Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, Identify these objects. Okay?

Charlie: [ball card] Baa. [bird card] Bi. [boat card] Bo. [card with Bill Burr’s face] Bill Burr.

Doctor: He’s fine. Great job Charlie.

Charlie: Aw, thank you.

Heidi: Please, I want my old Charlie back. Look at him.

Charlie: No. I’m way skinnier than him.

Kenan: That’s because you lost 50 pounds in the coma.

Charlie: Oh, good for me.

Heidi: Doctor, I just don’t know if I can handle that.

Charlie: Oh my god. Don’t cry. You’re gonna make me cry. Come on, hold my hand. Look, I don’t know who you are. And despite what I said, I can’t speak Spanish. But the important thing is you’re my soulmate. And you and I, [in normal voice] you and I are going to be fine.

Doctor: See how he’s sounding clearer already?

Charlie: Because no matter what, people always gonna do that talk. And that’s the truth.

Doctor: Okay, he’s back sliding a little.

Heidi: What do I do?

Doctor: Meet him where he’s at.

Heidi: [speaking like him] Charlie, I’m your wife and I’ll never get tired.

Doctor: Really?

Sarah: [speaking like him] Yes, and that goes same for me.

Kenan: [speaking like him] Now, I’m going to cry. And I like, never cry.

Charlie: Aww, you guys

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much for being here. Before I start tonight, I just wanted to read a brief statement that I prepared. I denounce anti semitism in all its forms and I stand with my friends and the Jewish community. And that, Kanye, is how you buy yourself some time.

I gotta tell you guys, I’ve probably been doing this 35 years now. And early in my career, I learned that there are two words in the English language that you should never say together in sequence. And those words are the and Jews. I never heard someone do good after they say that.

Kanye’s got into some scrapes before. Normally when he was in trouble, I pull up immediately. This time, I was like, “You know what? Let me see what’s gonna happen first.” I can’t remember how it started. Vaguely, I remember it started with a tweet. Strange tweet. It was like, “I’m feeling a little sleepy. I’ma get me some rest. But when I wake up, I’m gonna go DEF CON 3 on the Jews.” And then he just went to bed. I was up all night worried, “What is he gonna do to the Jew?”

I grew up around Jewish people. I have a lot of Jewish friends. So I’m not freaked out by your culture. I know a little bit about it just from hanging around. “Yo, let’s go out at school tomorrow.” They were like, “We can’t go out, it’s Sha Na Na tomorrow.” I’m like, “What? What is Sha Na Na?” I had so many questions. “Why do some of you people dress like Run DMC?”

Kanye woke up from that night and went right to work. A year ago I’d seen him on a podcast called Drink Champs. Great show. And it was amazing appearance. Noriega and them were there, rappers that I loved, and they all had their gold chains and stuff on. And Kanye said, “Only millionaires were chains.” They said, “What?” He said, “I’m a billionaire. Billionaires don’t wear their money on their body.” I took my chain and I said, “Oh snap.”

It was a good appearance. It was fun and funny.

When he woke up, he went on drink champs again. This time, he was on one. He was mad about something. He said, “I can say anti semitic things and Adidas can’t drop me. Now what?” Adidas dropped him immediately. Ironically, Adidas was founded by Nazis, and they were offended against the students past the teacher. It’s a big deal. He broke show business rules. Because there’s a rule. You know, the rules of perception. If they’re black, then it’s a gang. If they’re Italian, it’s a mob. But if they’re Jewish, it’s a coincidence and you should never speak about it.

Kanye got in so much trouble, Kyrie got in trouble. Kyrie Irving posted a link to a movie that he had seen on Amazon. No caption on the posts and nothing like that. But apparently this movie had some, I don’t know, anti semitic tropes or something. It was some weird title like “From Hebrew to Negro,” or something. And the NBA told him he should apologize. And he was slow to apologize. And then the list of demands to get back in their good graces got longer and longer and this is where you know, I draw the line. I know the Jewish people have been through terrible things all over the world, but you can’t blame that on black Americans. You just can’t. You know what I mean? Thanks the one person that said, “Who?” A fair punishment would be you just post a link to Schindler’s List and y’all read your own captions. Kyrie Irving’s black ass was nowhere near the Holocaust. In fact, he’s not even certain it exists.

I saw one news spun and screaming about Kanye, she said “Mental health is no excuse for that type of language.” Yes it is bitch. You’d kill somebody if you’re mentally ill. Listen, okay, I don’t think Kanye is crazy at all. I think he’s possibly not well. I’ve been to Hollywood. I don’t want y’all to get mad at me, I’m just telling you. I’ve been to Hollywood. This is just what I saw. It’s a lot of juice. Like, a lot. But that don’t mean anything. You know what I mean? There’s a lot of black people in Ferguson, Missouri. Doesn’t mean we run the place.

I can see if you had some kind of issue, you know what I mean,? You might go up to Hollywood and you might start connecting some kind of lines and you could maybe adopt the delusion that the Jews run show business. Not a crazy thing to think. But it’s a crazy thing to say out loud in a time like this.

Man, midterms over and it’s crazy climate. And I gotta tell you, I feel like this midterm, like all of humanity depends on it. And it’s an ominous sign. The most ominous sign of the midterms I believe would be Herschel Walker who I don’t want to speak badly because he’s black. But I have to admit, he’s observably stupid. Even when he’s not talking, his mouth be open a little bit like… He’s the kind of guy that looks like he thinks before he makes a move on tic tac toe. And I’m watching the news now, they’re declaring the end of the Trump era. Now, okay, I can see how in New York, you might believe this is the end of his era. I’m just being honest with you. I live in Ohio amongst the poor whites. A lot of you don’t understand why Trump was so popular, but I get it because I hear it every day. He’s very loved. The reason he’s lived is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He’s what I call an honest liar. I’m not joking right now. He’s an honest liar. That first debate. That first debate, I’d never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs, “This whole system is rigged,” he said. And across the stage was white woman, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama sitting away looking at him like, “No, it’s not.” I said, “Now, wait a minute, bro. It’s what he said.” And the moderator said well, Mr. Trump, if in fact the system is rigged as you suggest, what would be your evidence? Remember what he said bro? He said, “I know the system is rigged because I use it.” I said, “God damn!” And then he pulled out Illuminati membership card and chopped a line of cocaine and did it right at the podium. No one had ever heard someone say something that true.

And then Hillary Clinton had to punch him in the tax. She said this man doesn’t pay his taxes. He shot right back, “That makes me smart.” And they said, “If you want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code. But I know you won’t. Because your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks that I do.” And with that, my friends, a star was born. No one had ever seen anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house outside and tell all the commoners, “We are doing everything that you think we are doing inside of that house. Then he went right back in the house and started playing the game again.

Democrats are sore losers. I’m a Democrat. I’m telling you, as soon as he won, they started saying all that he’s colluding with Russia, he’s colluding with Russia. It was very embarrassing as a Democrat. But as time went on, we all came to learn he was probably colluding with Russia. I even look at his wife different now. His wife is beautiful, no question about it, but she looks like the kind of chick the James Bond would smash but not trust.

Why he got all them documents in his house? What is this? This guy that’s famous for not reading his press briefings, now suddenly he got 10,000 documents in his house, gonna catch up on his reading list.

I’ve been fired from jobs many times in my life. And I will be very honest with you, sometimes I was fired I stole things from the office. Staplers, computer mouses, all kinds of stuff. Do you know what I never stole from work? Work.

The war in Ukraine brought it all in focus. And lucky for everybody in the western world, the Ukrainians are way better fighters than we thought they’d be. They killed 10,000 Russians the first week of the war. Even the Vietnamese were like, “God damn! Those are some good numbers.” This  is before they had weapons. Before we started sending them weapons, they were killing Reginald with things you can find around the house. That whole country Ukraine is littered with traps like Home Alone. They were stepping on rakes and touching hot doorknobs. Ah! How is Russia losing to the Ukraine? That would be like America losing a war to Colorado.

Now the midterms are over and everybody’s awake, these new white are like, they’re like newborn babies. Just woke up. Everything white people are mad about, we’ve been on that. “Man, I can’t feed my family.” Black people like, “We’ve been on that.” “Man we can trust the government.” “We’ve been on that.” “Man we should dismantle the FBI.” “Word to Martin Luther King bro, we been on that.”

Nobody listens to me. When I tell these jokes, you ignore me. My first Netflix special, what did I say? I said, “I don’t want to sneakers deal because the minute I say something that makes those people mad, they’re gonna take my sneakers away.” And the whole crowds like, “Ha-ha-ha.” But now you see Kanye walking around LA barefoot with his chain out. This guy lost a billion and a half dollars in a day. A billion and a half dollars a day. I saw that, I said, “Put your chain on, nigga, welcome back.”

It shouldn’t be too scary to talk about anything. It’s make my job incredibly difficult. To be honest with you, I’m getting sick talking to crowd like this. I love you to death. Thank you for the support. And I hope they don’t take anything away from me. Whoever they are.

We got a great show tonight. Brooklyn’s finest Black Star is in the building.

Amy Schumer Stand-Up Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be back. You’re hosting Saturday Night Live. I’ve been so busy. You may have seen my Hulu show “Life and Beth”. And “Inside Amy Schumer” is back on Paramount plus. And I can’t believe I have the honor of being the final host before the midterm abortions. Elections. What did I say? Sorry, I was thinking about what’s at stake if we don’t vote.

People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? Like the whole time I was pregnant, I had this one friend. She kept telling me “You got to do prenatal yoga.”It really helps with the birth.” So I immediately signed up for a C section. But no I did. I had a C. It came out the sunroof. And no matter how you give birth, the doctors will tell you. It could be vaginal, C section, they almost never come out of your butthole, but they tell you no matter what, as soon as you get birth the doctors are very serious. They say you cannot have sex for six weeks. You got it? Six weeks, not sex. I was like, “Okay. I remember when you just Wolverine my FUPA open? Remember that? How about six years? That’s what I think I’ll be ready. Okay? Remember? His foot got caught in my intestines? When can I get raw dog from behind, please?

But my husband and I, we do have a good sex life. We do. Married people, have you found this? We have found that the best week day to have sex is always tomorrow. Yeah, we’re like, “We ate today. Maybe we won’t eat tomorrow. That’ll be a good day for us.” My husband’s the best. He always before we have sex, he puts the lights on. You know? And I shut them off. And he puts them on. And he’s like, “Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.” And I was like, “Oh my God, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me? So sweet.” Right?

But I’ll be honest, it’s awkward. Having sex with your spouse. It is. Because like, that’s your family. I have Thanksgiving with you. I lay out your sweaters. I can’t go down on you. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake. It’s sick. We can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too. Well, I’m always like, “I’m gonna—” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. I’m always like, “Okay, I am in a coma. Go.”

My husband is diagnosed. He’s on the autism spectrum. He has autism spectrum disorder. It used to be called the Aspergers. But then they found out this is true that Dr. Asperger had like Nazi ties, Kanye. It’s weird. Yes, like crazy. But no, it’s been really positive for our family to have him diagnosed. We understand so much more about his behavior. And it’s given him so many tools. Like, now, if somebody is in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. Wnd when people find out that he has autism, like they don’t know much about it. They’re like, “Oh, does he love to count? Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor? He can gather them and count them.” I’m like, “Yeah, that sounds pretty fun. I’d like to do that.” He never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. Different love languages. L like, a couple of weeks ago, we’re sitting outside and it was a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain. And I was feeling kind of sentimental. And I was like—

Even though these past couple years with the pandemic and everything, it’s been so stressful. I said, “Still, this time being with you, being with our son, they’ve been the best years of my life. And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.” Yeah, he’s my guy. It’s one of the times we play the game “Autism or just a man?” Yeah. I don’t know. And I’ll leave you with what he said to me right before I came on stage tonight. I said, “Babe, is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.”

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Steve Lacey is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Please Don’t Destroy – Touch Up

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with John looking at their group pictures.]

John: Dude, these look great.

Martin: Yeah, we should post that.

[Ben walks in. His face looks really, really weird]

Ben: What’s up, my dudes?

John: Oh my god!

Martin: Oh no! What happened?

Ben: Oh sorry. I’m late. The bone by the subway. “Damn you see train.” How y’all doing?

John: No. Dude. your face. Did you get botox?

Ben: Oh, you guys can tell?

John: Yes.

Ben: Yeah, just got a little touch up.

John: What?

Martin: So, this was intentional? Not an accident?

Ben: Yeah, figured we’re gonna be on camera a little more. Might as well look my best.

Martin: Ben, you know I love you.

Ben: Love you too.

Martin: You look like you drowned.

John: I feel like I’m at your wake. You look embalmed.

Ben: I asked for the Chalamet. Is that coming through?

Both: No!

Ben: I like it man. I paid top dollar for this thing.

Martin: How much?

Ben: 150 bucks.

Martin: That’s not enough.

John: For full face botox?

Ben: That sucks. I wish there was an undo button for this thing.

John: Your face isn’t even moving when you laugh, dude. This is so bad.

[while John is covering his face, his fingers look way too longer than usual]

Ben: I’m sorry. What did you do?

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: What is with your fingers?

John: Oh yeah, I got some work done myself.

Martin: You got longer fingers?

John: Oh my God. We are not making this about my finger.

Ben: What? You extended them?

John: You know how many YouTube comments there were about how short they were before.

Martin: Well, now you look like the Babadook.

John: Wow, Martin. How about you go shhh.

Martin: Don’t touch my mouth.

Ben: You look like Pan’s Labyrinth.

John: Do I?

Ben: Do this. That’s Pan.

John: Oh yeah. Sure. Fine. But these fingers rock. I feel more confident. I play guitar easier. I can do cool stuff like, “West side”.

Ben: I got botox. I look good.

Martin: You know what? Should I get some work done on my face?

John: No.

Ben: You don’t need it.

Martin: I know. I’m talking about my second face.

[Martin pulls out his wig. There’s a second small face on his scalp.]

Ben: Ew. What is that?

Martin: I know, I know. He needs a nosejob.

John: No. What the hell is it? Does it talk?

Martin: He used to but then I think he died. Okay. This is so toxic. Can we all agree that we’re beautiful on the inside?

Ben: I guess so.

John: Yeah.

Martin’s second face: I agree.

Ben: Who said that?

Martin’s second face: It was me. You guys are beautiful.

What Up With That- Oscar Isaac, Emily Ratajkowski and Nicholas Braun

Mikey Day

Oscar Isaac

Emily Ratajkowski

Nicholas Braun

Deandre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Vance… Jason Sudeikis

Giuseppe… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Mikey introducing the show]

Mikey: It’s “What’s Up With That?”, Halloween edition. Taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac. [cheers and applause] Model an actress, Emily Ratajkowski. [cheers and applause] And from Succession, Nicholas Braun. [cheers and applause] Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

[Deandre Cole walks in]

Deandre Cole: [singing] I woke up this morning and I got out of bed
had a big old cup of coffee to clear my head
hiding from the ghost and a scary black cat
to trick or treat and tell me what’s up with that
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 

Well, thank you very much for joining us on What’s Up With That where we are excited about Halloween. It might get a little creepy. Might get a little sneaky. Might get a little peaky. Don’t got to sleepy. It’s gonna be spooky, cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy, it’s the great pumpkin snoopy

[singing] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Vance walks in dancing and Giuseppe walks in playing sax]
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody tell me what is up with that?
Now if I’m out here trick or treating, don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun. That was fun. Vance, man, good to see you. How are those knees doing? And Giuseppe, I hope your wife is feeling better. [Guiseppe is laughing] That wasn’t a joke, Guiseppe. Okay. Joining us tonight is the great actor Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Oscar Isaac: Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see you, Deandre. Good to see you.

Deandre Cole: It’s good to see you too. We go way back. You remember Miami? I know you do. I know you do. And next to him, we have Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Emily Ratajkowski: Meow, Deandre.

Deandre Cole: Well, me to the yow to you too. And next, he has been on every show that we have ever had for the past 1Oscar Isaac years, Lindsay Buckenham.

Nicholas Braun: No. No. Sorry. I’m–

Deandre Cole: Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from Succession costume I have ever seen.

Nicholaus Braun: No, no. I am Nicholaus Braun.

Deandre Cole: Whatever, Lindsay. You are the busiest man in the show biz with projects like Scenes from Marriage, the Card Counter and Doom. How do you play so many different characters?

Oscar Isaac: It’s a good question. Well, no. They’re all different people. But there are similarities to them. [drum hi-hat starts playing] What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna do that to me, right?

Deandre Cole: No. No. Go ahead.

Oscar Isaac: Okay. Well, in the sense, all the characters are going to go through existential crisis.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Existential crisis.

Oscar Isaac: Uh, huh. And you know, there’s like a sense of poetry to them. They all deal with pain and loss, confusion.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Pain, loss and confusion.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether there’s room to explore something interesting.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Exploring in the depths, and I got to say
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get freaky and funky because they are the spookiest disco group in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

[HeeBee Beegees walk in dancing]

HeeBee Beegees: [singing] eat your face, HeeBee Beegees
you better eat your face, that beautiful face

Deandre Cole: Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the 2003 baseball play offs, Chicago Cubs outcast, Steve Bartman.

[Steve Bartman walk in and dances]

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball, got the baseball. You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that?
Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch that dump and miss Halloween again, Yeah!

Whoo! Well, we out of time. But I wanna thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. That went exactly as I thought it would go. Yeah.

Deandre Cole: And thank you to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

Emily Ratajkowski: I flew out for this?

Deandre Cole: And thank you for your service. And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham. Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

Nicholaus Braun: I’m actually Nicholas Braun. Please.

Deandre Cole: You are a sneaky one, Lindsay. Go win the cousin Greg contest. And Vance, take care of your knees, man. [Vance is drinking whiskey out the bottle] Until next time.

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you all for being here. Pretty incredible day. You know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell but all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather who apparently by all accounts was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was slave for 10 years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children and he learned how to read. He got an MA with education and dedicated his life to three things. Education, freedom of black people and Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut at AME church. There’s a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had. And I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me. Because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started filming a show that bears his name. “Chappelle Show”. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. Yeah. If he could see me now, he probably would be like, “This nigga got bought and sold more than I have.”

This morning after the results came in, I got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “Well, that’s great. But America doesn’t.” Do you guys remember when life was like before covid? I do. Some mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for covid. Someone had to lock these murderous whites up and keep them in the house.

All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So, what I did was I did shows in my neighbor’s corn field. And these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? And the local farmers, my neighbors started to complain that my show were too noisy. At a corn field! Too noisy at a corn field. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in a corn field. It was so embarrassing. And I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough. They don’t know anything. They’re probably watching me right now. They’re probably at home like, “Hon, come quick. Come quick. The guy from the grocery store’s television.” No you big dummy. The guy from the television is at the grocery store. Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. Ever heard of that website, farmersonly.com? Website that begs the question ‘what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers’? That’s gross.

They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting I was just listening. Man, you should have heard them talk about me. They were saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children in bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids were trying to sleep and all they hear is the N word..” I said, “Was I saying it or were you?” He had that twang in his voice. You know that twang when you hear that accent like, “Oh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.”

I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing mask. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to Walmart too. Wear you Klan hood at Walmart so that we can all feel safe. State like Ohio for instance, right? People make more money from the stimulus checks than they do if they work. So, a lot of people don’t want to work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. [talking to an audience] You a black fellow. You young fellow though. You don’t know about Ronald Reagan. Remember Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, welfare people, drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? Stimulus checks, the heroin, and rest of the country is trying to move forward and these white niggas keep holding us back. Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s a it’s oppressive. Try wearing a mask I’ve been wearing all these years. I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people were the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites, come, hurry, quick. Come get your nigga lessons. You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together. It was just white people owning the club, dancing. You ever see that old footage? How did they look? [showing the dance move] You need some black guys to look at you like… [making weird face and shaking head no]

Now, Trump is gone. [cheers and applause] I know a lot of people don’t like him, but I thought that guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I was looking at it like, “Um, there’s bad people on both sides. Alright, just trying them out.” “Call the coronavirus the kung-fu.” I said, “You racist hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that. Not you. That’s wrong when you say it. So, I went on a press conference one time. Donald Trump is a wild guy. You ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “Uh, what about very powerful light directly in the body?” I said, “What? This man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane!” He went further. “Uh, put on some bleach. Bleach directly on your body.” “Oh, boy. Secret service is going to have to childproof the White House now. He’s trying to drink the bleach!” As president, “Don’t touch that stove. It’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house, Mr. President.”

Scariest part about that. When a leading virologist in the world was sitting as close as you are to me and she just watched him say it. It’s crazy. Her face was looking like he might be right. She was like, [nodding head] “Umm.” I saw that. I said, “Ooh! That’s why… That’s why… That’s why women make half.” [audience laughing awkwardly] Did I trigger you? I don’t know what it is. Half? Maybe 70%. Whatever it is, it is too much. [audience laughing awkwardly] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a ‘woke’ meeting in here.

And after all that, you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t it something? When he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news but you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddy Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” This guy was running around like an outbreak monkey. He looked like a 1970s penis raw dogging earth. They actually made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen.” Which is a ridiculous thing. Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t bigger than anybody else’s mask, Mr. President.

Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good healthcare plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. Right in his front yard, helicopter came. Remember that video where he’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one to be around. Usually he’s walking with couple of bunch of other people. No one’s around this time because he had the rona. Had his mask on then, didn’t he. We was walking. Helicopter took him to Walter Reede hospital. I’m from DC and I got to tell you. Walter Reede is not close to the White House. But you could walk. Team of doctors is waiting for him. Doctors came around. Gave me experimental medicine and stuff. Flew back home in helicopter and then he walked right up the steps. You ever seen his video? He took his mask off and saluted helicopter. And then walked right in the house, killed four more people. I said, “$700.50 in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir?” Some cold stuff, man. Some cold stuff. That would be like me going to a homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and say, “These is mine’s”, and then just start eating in front of all the homeless. [chewing] “Don’t let hunger dictate your life.” That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie’s fat ass was in the ICU fighting for his life. Chris Christie got all the symptoms. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that was in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, “Ummm-ummm.”

Herman Cain’s black ass has been dead for two weeks. Where was his secret cerom? That’s your leader. Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man! And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but been a black a longtime, I’ve known this badder.

But if you’re a good white, you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. It’s my plan. It’s called the ‘Kindness Conspiracy’. Just random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. It’s very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years, they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black and they didn’t deserve it. If you’re driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on a corner selling crack, destroying his community, buy him an ice cream. Just buy him an ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it.

I would employ everybody who’s celebrating the day to remember it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago. Remember how bad that felt? Remember half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t, let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them, oh man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest fight through. You have to find a way to live your life. You have to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that, come get these nigga lessons. Thank you very much and goodnight.

What Up With That- At Home

Charles Barkley

DJ Khalid

DeAndre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Backup singers… Ego Nwodim, Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s Up With That?” intro]

[music playing]

Backup singers: [singing] Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Male voice: It’s “What’s Up With That?” at home. Taking on the issues of today with soul tonight, hall of famer, Charles Barkley, the great DJ Khalid, and Lindsey Buckingham. Here’s your host, DeAndre Cole.

DeAndre Cole: Woke up this morning then I got out of bed
had a bigger cup of coffee to clear my head
been home for a while and that’s where I’m at
but we can still jam on “What’s up with that?”

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up with that? yuu, oh, yeah

Wow! Yeah! Thank you all for joining us on “What’s Up With That?” where we’re going to learn how to stay safe at home. Now, our guests are very busy. So, I brought along this timer [a timer pops on the screen] to make sure that we don’t keep him too long. Ha-ha-ha. We’re going to talk about social distance.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.]

Gonna talk persistence
[Bass starts playing]
[singing] COVID resistance
It’s gonna be fantastic, boombastic
galactic, elastic
emphatic, spastic
fancy fantastic

[Charles Berkley and DJ Khalid are clueless]

Everybody sing

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that? yeah

Whoo! Alright. We are so lucky to have Mr. Charles Barkley who is in new documentary on Michael Jordan.

Charles Barkley: I’m not gonna lie. This is weird.

DeAndre Cole: It is. Now, Charles, everybody is talking about this new Michael Jordan documentary and you played against Michael in the 1993 finals and you were on the dream team. What was that like?

Charles Barkley: It was special. And a documentary is excellent.

DeAndre Cole: Um-hmm.

Charles Barkley: But it doesn’t show everything. Let me tell you about something that’s not in there.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.]

[Charles and DeAndre Cole are looking around]

DeAndre Cole: Go ahead.

[Bass starts playing]

Charles Barkley: Okay. Like I was saying, I played with Michael and all his guys. There are incredible stories people still don’t know.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Incredible stories

Charles Barkley: Right. And you might actually hear them if you would let me talk please.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Letting you talk now

Charles Barkley: No, you’re not. Which is a shame. I’m trying to tell you about the one time me and Michael Jordan–

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Jordan was the greatest
and I got to say

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, joining us remotely, the sexy siren of social distancing, Quarantina.

[Quarantina is singing in home drinking wine]

Quarantina: [singing] Merlot for one
tonight I toast only these
merlot for one
it’s a soul of merlot to believe

so go to your parties
and have all your fun
go to your spring breaks
and dance in the sun

I’ll be right here
and that only begun
with my merlot for one

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, a special appearance by Howie Hot Wheels and the lego Kid.

[Howie and lego kid are dancing]

Go Howie, go Howie, go lego, go lego

[DJ Khalid starts dancing]
get speedy, get speedy, get crazy, it’s your birthday

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that
now will somebody please come to my house and teach my damn kids?

Yes!

Whoo! Alright. Well, folks my kids got to use the laptop that we rented from the local library for the online schooling. Ha-ha. But I want to thank Charles Barkley for being here.

Charles Barkley: That’s it? Whatever!

DeAndre Cole: And thank you to the one and only DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Well, I guess that was another one.

DeAndre Cole: And Lindsey Buckingham. Oh, man, I know we haven’t let you talk on any episode for the past 10 years. Lindsey? Lindsey? [Lindsey Buckingham’s connection is lost.] Oh! Well, that’s too bad. Well, thank you for trying anyway, Lindsey. How about I wave to you from my car on your birthday? Yeah. Just look out for 25 Buick Lesabre. Alright, until next time.

[drums roll]

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Weekend Update Home Edition- Pete Davidson on Hooking Up During Quarantine

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: And now, joining us over Zoom to explain his experience in the last month is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, Colin. It’s great to be here in my basement under strict quarantine. I’m not going near my mom or even answering her texts.

Colin Jost: That’s great. How are you guys holding up?

Pete Davidson: We’re good. You know, I haven’t gotten a face tattoo so far. A lot of people lost that bet. But we’re good, you know? The whole family’s family. Thank god everybody’s staying inside.

Colin Jost: Oh, good. Well, I’m glad they’re taking it seriously.

Pete Davidson: Well, me too, coz you have to understand this is Staten Island where up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as “coming out of the closer.” But I know this is hard for everyone except you. You know, coz you’re locked in a house with Scarlett Johansson. You’re probably terrified they’re find the cure.

Colin Jost: It’s not true, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. I know. But still, you’re one of the lucky ones. You know? Everyone who isn’t a flat Earther is isolating at home right now. Which means you’re either having the most sex in your life or you’re like me and can now identify any pornstar by the back of her head. But it turns out people out there are still trying to hook up. I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called “Sex and coronavirus 2019.”

Colin Jost: And what does it say?

Pete Davidson: Well, first it says you could have sex, but don’t kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in “The pretty woman.” I don’t even know if it’s about the disease or if it’s the city saying, “Don’t get involved. You don’t need that right now.” That’s how crazy this pandemic is. We’re learning that those weirdos who have sex in leather masks have been the smart ones all along. Also, it says the virus is not in semen. So, ladies, prepared to get DM’ed that fact a few thousand times this year. But the craziest thing is that right after they tell you not to kiss, they immediately get into something so dirty, I’m not even allowed to say it on air. So, let’s call em’ “Hiney smoocheroos.” Seriously, I can’t believe I have to sanitize the language of the health department to make it suitable for the show that brought you dick in a box. Here, take a look.

[A picture of the pamphlet appears]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What?

Pete Davidson: I know. Even I was like, “Geez, nyc.gov, we just met.” I really hope this started out as a very straight forward set of recommendations with no mention of hiney smoocheroos and one government employee was like, “Oh, so I guess we just don’t exist, huh? It’s 2020, you  polyannas!”

Colin Jost: “Polyannas” is not the reference that I expected.

Pete Davidson: I know.

Colin Jost: Was there anything else in there?

Pete Davidson: Yes, yes. They also warn you to wash up before masturbating. Which I already learned the hard way, thanks to a flaming hot cheetos incident.

Colin Jost: So, do you think the pamphlet went too far?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m glad they’re educating people about safe sex. I just never thought I’d get a semi reading dispatches from the health department. Thanks de Blasio.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m glad you’re staying safe. Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: It’s weird without an audience!