Tag: Update

Weekend Update- The Village People on Donald Trump Using Their Music

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, if you’ve been watching the Trump rallies, you’ve probably noticed Trump dancing to the village people. If you haven’t, let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump dancing during his rally.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Yeah, it’s wonderful. So, here now with a message in response to Donald Trump are the village people.

[music playing]

[Village people walk in to the set dancing]

Kenan: [singing] Stop it, yeah I’m talking to you
I said stop it, this is long over due
because we never said that we support you
you must pay us to use our songs

Donald, because of all your lies
we’re playing hardball and we got a surprise
he’s a lawyer who you might recognize
he is Alan Dershowitz
He’s gonna send you a cease and desist
get ready for a cease and desist
Alan knows where you been, yeah he knows what you’ve seen
on that island with Epstein

[Colin Jost stands]

Colin Jost: Hey, hey, hey. [music stops] Hold on. You can’t just say that.

Kenan: What? I mean, why? It’s just music, man. We’ll just sing it.

Colin Jost: No, because that’s a really serious allegation. Also, isn’t Alan Dershowitzz for Trump?

Kenan: Oh, he flipped.

Colin Jost: And do all of you feel the sam way about this? I mean you’re all from different walks of life, right?

All: Yes.

Kenan: I mean it’s kind of complicated. You see…

[music playing]

[singing] The soldier said that you let him down
and the gay man said you don’t want him around
and the native is sick with covid-Colin Jost9
only the construction workers still believes

[the construction worker with them is wearing a MAGA t-shirt]

Although he is only one man
he must comply with all of our demands
so we voted and came up with a plan,
we will strike at any moment
I promise you we will shave Ivanka’s head
you’re damn right we’re gonna shave Ivanka’s head
we’ll set up a fake salon, yeah it won’t be that hard
and she’ll look like a leprechaun

[Colin Jost stands again]

Colin Jost: Hey! Hey! Stop. Wait. You’re saying you’re going to shave Ivanka’s head? You can’t just say that. That’s gotta be a felony.

Kenan: Hey, man. Everything is legal if you sing it in a song.

Colin Jost: That’s not true. Village People everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Jeffrey Toobin Zooms & Mitch McConnell’s Hands

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Toobin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin has been suspended after getting caught masturbating on a Zoom call. And he’s from the New Yorker, so you know that jerk was dry as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Whatever, man. I stand by it.

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here after physically fighting with death, did not answer questions about bruises and bandages seen on his face and hand saying there were no concerns. By the way, ‘no concerns’ is what McConnell whispers when he sees a baby stroller rolling down hill into on coming traffic.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Popeyes chicken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Popeyes chicken announced that they’re bringing back cajun style turkeys for thanksgiving. It’s a red piece of good news for people who spent thanksgiving at Popeyes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Nasa logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nasa has announced plans to put a full 4G cellphone network on the moon. While AT&T has announced plans to put almost two bars on your earth phone.

[Picture changes to Elton John]

Mattel announced plans for an Elton John themed barbie doll. “Finally”, said Ken. [Picture changes to the Ken doll]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Phil Collins at left top corner.]

Michael Che: The ex wife of singer Phil Collins has allegedly occupied their Miami mansion and hired armed guards to protect it. In the mean time, Collins is staying at a nearby stu-stu-studio apartment.

[picture changes to a boar]

Residents in Rome are upset after a wild boar and her six piglets were killed on a playground near the Vatican. But it’s like they say, nothing good ever happens on a playground near the Vatican. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a clock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: German researchers have recorded the shortest interval of time for an even to begin and end. The event finished so quickly, scientists have named it “Che”. [Picture changes to Michael Che.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rapper Nelly will be appearing on a new line of Budweiser cans, right under the word ‘missing’.

Weekend Update- Final Presidential 2020 Debate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of final presidential debate at left top corner.]

Well, the final presidential debate took place on Thursday and the actual CNN headline after was, “Trump behaved more like a regular person.” That’s not a description of a president. It’s like the description of a robot from ‘West World’. This debate was so frustrating to watch. Did anyone else find themselves yelling lines at the screen that they wish Biden had said? Like when Trump talked about how good he has been for the stock market, it was like, “Joe, the stock market when you were vice president went up four times higher than Trump’s stock market. You have the ball. You’re standing above the rim. Why will you not dunk it?” Or when Trump said that Biden is all talk and no action, why didn’t Biden just say, “Bitch, show us your taxes, show us the vaccine, show us the wall and show us what prison you locked Hillary in?” Truly, it was like Biden had an open field running for a touchdown and then this happened.

[Cut to a video clip of a football game where a player is running for a touch down far from everybody else, but then he falls down and gets caught.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump claimed that he was the least racist person in the room which is only something the most racist person in the room would say. You never hear Martin Luther King say, “I’m the least racist.” Nobody is expecting you to be the least racist. I’d just settle for ‘not so racist anymore.’ When you lie that big, it makes you look more guilty. Like, when my uncle told me he doesn’t get high anymore while he was holding my TV. I hate that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: You also know politics in 2020 is stupid when some of the best investigative journalism is being done by Borat. Rudy Giuliani is denying he did anything wrong after a controversial scene in the new Borat movie in which he’s alone in a hotel room with a female reporter, puts his hands down his pants and appears to start touching himself. Unfortunately we can’t show you the video. Not because it violates standards, but because anyone who watches it dies in seven days.

Giuliani defended himself by explaining that he had to lay down on the bed to tuck in his shirt. Which I think is an actual punchline to a “Yo mama’s so fat” joke.

[Cut o Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rates of coronavirus are spiking in almost every state as country braces for a possible third peak. But are we actually bracing though? Because the first time, people would have night fight over lysol and toilet paper, and now people are back to just eating buffalo wings outside just licking on their fingers. It’s gross. Am I the only one still terrified by this? Remember when Tom Hanks got it like, five years ago/six months ago? And we all sat there teary eye thinking we might lose Forest Gump? Now a whole football team gets sick and they just move the game. I don’t know where I’m going with this. It has been a really weird week and I really, really thought the president was going to die.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama giving speech for Biden at left top side.]

Colin Jost: Former president Barack Obama was also back on the campaign throughout this week. It was jarring to see. Obama’s presidency seemed so long ago, it’s easy to forget he’s 15 years younger than either of the candidates. You know who else is younger than the current candidates? The guys we elected in the years 2000 and 1992. Is it just me or is that insane? This election is equivalent of a baseball team giving a four year deal to Willie Mays now.

Weekend Update- Carrie Krum on Vacationing During the Pandemic

Carrie Krum… Aidy Bryant

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tourism and airplane travel have been hit, specially hard by the coronavirus this year. Here to comment on the changing state of her industry is seventh grade travel expert Carrie Krum.

[Carrie Krum slides in]

Carrie Krum: Wow! I missed you, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Carrie. I missed you too. How was your summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, it was awesome. My mom bought a chef hat for when I make pizza and my brother shot me twice with a paint ball gun.

Michael Che: Well, that’s pretty impressive. So, Carrie, you must have been sad that you couldn’t take any of your fun trips this summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, Michael. Being at home is the ultimate vacation. You got my room, my mom’s room, a small decorative box filled with my baby teeth, and an irrigation ditch where all my pets were laid to rest. And did you know, Michael? Church is illegal right now, so we listen to it on the radio. And Michael… Michael… I listened to church in a tankini.

Michael Che: Oh, that all sounds fun. So, what are some tips on how people can enjoy a good stay-cation?

Carrie Krum: Oh! Well, bring the beach to you with something my family likes to call ‘the hose in the driveway’. It’s like a refreshing pool where you don’t have to know where you swim and the water tastes like dirt and metal.

Michael Che: Okay, Carrie. Well, what about something fun for kids who are going back to school online?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. You gotta make the best of the hard times. I mean, I am loving computer school. I’m never on mute, I’m always talking, always moving, and I can’t stop looking at myself. And I didn’t think that I could ever have a crush over Zoom but Jack Mathers, I mean during Social Studies, I can see his bed room. And Michael… Michael… he’s got a big lizard in there. Bad boy. Ooh!

Michael Che: Okay, yeah. Alright. Well, is it hard to not hangout with your friends at least?

Carrie Krum: Well, technically, I’m never alone because fairies are real and when it rains, it becomes easier to see them.

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you actually sort of thrived in quarantine?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. Except for– Well, my mom said I need to get… [mumbling]

Michael Che: A what?

Carrie Krum: A tank-top with support. It’s not a bra, but it do press down.

Michael Che: Oh my gosh.

Carrie Krum: And then my brother Mitchell found it and he put it on and he stuffed toilet paper in the holders, and he was walking around doing a chi-chi dance and I screamed so loud that my dad thought that I had been hurt. Whatever though. I started drinking sprite out of a coffee cup. So, I’m adult.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- President Trump Gives Coronavirus Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: A lot of Americans have been watching president Trump’s daily press conferences. Calling into our show right now which is very exciting for an official update on the pandemic is president Donald Trump. [Donald Trump joins on the phone] Thank you so much for joining us Mr. President. So, what’s the latest with the virus?

Donald Trump: Well, I’m happy to report Colin that America is now number one in the world for coronavirus. Number one while I was president, #AmericaNumberOne #NotImportantWhy.

Colin Jost: You seem almost excited about it.

Donald Trump: Well, my approval rating is up. My TV rating is through the roof. Every night at seven PM, all of the New York claps and cheers for the great job I’m doing.

Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know if that’s for you, man.

Donald Trump: You’re wrong, LeBron. You’re wrong. I’ll be honest. This virus, this COFIFA-nineteen is really a tough one.

Michael Che: What exactly is your advice? Because it seems to change every Michael Che4 hours.

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question. You’re very nasty. All along, I’ve always said it was a giant hoax that we should take very seriously. Even though it was embedded by the democrats impeachment part two to everyone needs to wash their hands or not.

Colin Jost: I was just wondering. Where are you getting most of your advice for this?

Donald Trump: We have to listen to the experts on this one. Me, Hannity, Jared Kushner and Michael Lindell from My Pillow. All the experts agree we need to wear masks.

Colin Jost: Right. Right. So, are you wearing a mask?

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question, okay? No, I’m not. Last time I wore a mask, I hot boxed myself and passed out. And I can’t wear mask in my tanning bed or when I take it off I’ll be dark up top with the white circle around my mouth like a reverse Homer Simpson.

Colin Jost: I did notice that you stopped referring to it as Chinese virus.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Colin. I had to tone down the ethnic slurs after I discovered everything we need to survive the virus is made in Gina (China), okay? Here are some of the other names we workshopped.

Michael Che: Oh, I would love to, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Okay. We had ‘Chinese flu.’ Then of course, ‘Hong Kong fluey.’ Then ‘Crouching tiger hidden symptons.’ Or, ‘Wang Chung Lung.’ And there’s ‘General Tso’s revenge.’ Okay? Stephen Miller came up with ‘The Yellow Fever,’ but that’s already a thing. It’s when a white dude is horny for an Asian chick.

Colin Jost: It was probably better, sir, the back off. Some people are saying that now you seem more presidential than you ever have.

Donald Trump: Colin, in times like this, we need to come together as one nation because no matter our differences, all Americans can agree on one thing, Carole Baskin definitely fed her husband to those tigers. I’m proud to announce Trump Exotic twentytwenty. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. They have a feeling Pence is gonna be pretty into Joe Exotic.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. President Trump, everyone.

Donald Trump: All the absentee ballots are covered in coronavirus. Happy Easter, everybody.