Tag: v

Weekend Update- Roe v. Wade Leaked Draft Opinion, Vladimir Putin to Undergo Cancer Surgery

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mother’s Day flowers at left top corner.]

Well, guys, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, whether you want it to be one or not.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Roe V. Wade to be overturned”]

In an unprecedented move that could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court, a draft opinion was leaked, which indicates that they intend to overturn Roe V. Wade. So the court is usually careful, but they slipped up just this once and now they’ve got to live with it forever. Hah! Sounds really unfair. The opinion was written by Justice Samuel Alito when he bases his arguments on laws from the 1600s. So it’s an outdated opinion from an angry 70 year old. This shouldn’t be a Supreme Court decision, it should just be a Facebook post. The opinion also seems like it was written in a weird conservative bubble. Here’s how you know, he quotes his own colleague, Brett Kavanaugh six times, one for each beer in the pack. He even cites Kavanaugh on civil rights, which is like citing Amber Heard on how to make a bed.

[picture changes to John Roberts]

Chief Justice John Roberts said that the leak was quote “The work of one bad apple.” One bad apple is also another legal argument used and Alito’s opinion. [picture changes to a painting of Adam holding an apple ad a snake attacking him] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Supreme Court has voted to overturn abortion rights, draft opinion shows” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, as a man, there’s no way I can understand the full impact of this issue. But I asked a bunch of women around the office, what their personal experience was with abortion. I gotta admit, I learned a lot from the HR meeting they made me go to as a result.

But I do know this ruling will have a disproportionate effect on poor people. I mean, most Americans don’t have access to the same resources that I do. I mean, the average person can’t just text Lorne in the middle of the night and say, “Yo, it happened again.” I just don’t get why Republicans are so against this. I mean, maybe don’t think of it as an abortion. Think of it as a Patriots storming the uterus to overturn the results of an unfair pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I know you’re excited. Former New York City mayor and current Rumpelstiltskin, Rudy Giuliani, canceled an appearance before the January 6 committee at the last minute Friday after he was denied a request to record the interview. I assume on a loose VCR flashing 12 o’clock.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There are also unconfirmed reports that Vladimir Putin will undergo cancer surgery. Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but hey, good luck cancer.

Weekend Update Justice Amy Coney Barrett on Overturning Roe v Wade

Colin Jost

Amy Coney Barrett… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe v. Wade. Here to comment is conservative justice Amy Coney Barrett.

[Amy Coney Barrett slides in]

Amy Coney Barrett: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, how are you?

Amy Coney Barrett: Good.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here.

Amy Coney Barrett: I am jazzed and juiced.

Colin Jost: Right. I’m guessing you’re pretty happy with the draft of the ruling?

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I don’t know what would make you think that other than everything I’ve ever said. But I listened to the case with an open mind and I asked all my question.

Colin Jost: Right there was one. Yeah, Justice Alito nodded to that in his opinion. You were asking about safe haven laws where you can legally leave a baby at a fire station no questions asked.

Amy Coney Barrett: That’s right, Colin. I just don’t understand why you need abortion because you can leave a baby anywhere in the United States. So like, what’s the big deal? Just pop it. Just do the nine and plop.

Colin Jost: Just do the what?

Amy Coney Barrett: Just do your nine. You know, do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk. Wrap it up in a little Moses, put in a little basket. Send it down the creek. Just do your nine, you know? It’s simple. You are a murderer, if you have an abortion. But you’re not a murderer, if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox and that tracks and is good to me.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, not everyone agrees with that.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, just give it to a stork and the stork will give it to a lesbian. I would think that lesbians would be happy because now there’s more babies for them to adopt till we ban that too. Come on, ladies. It’s just nine. It’s not even 10. So just do your nine and dump.

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s that simple.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I have seven children and a job and I make it work. So why every single other woman can’t do the same is beyond me. Unless I’m like missing something about class in America. Don’t answer that.

Colin Jost: Okay, you were also suggesting that we don’t need abortion because there’s no longer the same stigma against unwed mother.

Amy Coney Barrett: Exactly, exactly. It’s like you see a girl, you know she’s pregnant. You’re not going to stone her anymore. You’re just gonna be like, “Huh, okay.” Like if you get pregnant and you’re not married, you don’t have to go to a spooky convent anymore. You just give a baby to a panther, jungle book it, and that’s your nine.

Colin Jost: Stop just saying that’s your nine.

Amy Coney Barrett: Like, what is more traumatic? Safely ending an early pregnancy or giving full birth to a baby you can never see it again because you put it on a Ferris wheel? Colin, all I’m saying, these lesbians are going to have like a crapload of babies coming their way, they should be kissing my boobs.

Colin Jost: I don’t think they want to do that. Also, I think a lot of Americans feel that you’re kind of forcing conservative views on the country.

Amy Coney Barrett: Oh, well, look, the court is not partisan. Our spouses on the other hand are f-ing crazy. [phone vibrating] Excuse me.Speak of, Clarence Thomas’s wife Ginni always texts me. She’s like in love with me. I’m like, “Okay, lez, you want a baby?”

Colin Jost: Alright. Justice Barrett, is there anything else you would like to say?

Amy Coney Barrett: Arby’s, we have the babies.

Colin Jost: Justice Barret, everyone.

Amy Coney Barrett: Do your nine!

Roe v Wade Cold Open

Andrew Dismukes

Benedict Cumberbatch

James Austin Johnson

Margaret… Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the draft of his majority opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, Justice Samuel Alito explains that no woman has a right to an abortion, and that, in fact, abortion is a crime. To prove it, he cites a treatise from 13th century England, about the quickening of the fetus, and a Second Treatise that says, if the quick child dies in her body, it would be a great misprision. We go now to that profound moment of moral clarity almost 1000 years ago, which later to clear foundation for what our law should be in 2022.

[Cut to three people in a room. It’s about a thousand years back.]

Andrew: Whatever is the matter. You’re looking flossed in thought.

Ben: It’s nothing. It’s just, while I was cleaning the hole on the side of the castle where we poop and then it falls through the sky into a moat full of human feces, I started to think about abortion.

Andrew: Really, what about it?

Ben: Well, don’t you think we ought to make a law against it?

James: You mean, like the law we have against pointy shoes? Or the law that if you hunt deer in the royal forest, they cut off your genitals?

Ben: Exactly. Something fair and reasonable like those laws. We should make a law that would stand the test of time so that hundreds and hundreds of years from now, they’ll look back and say, “No need to update this one at all. They nailed it back in 1235.”

James: I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t ban abortion in all of England. We could decide it on a fiefdom by fiefdom basis.

Ben: Good idea. That way, if your concubine needs one, you could just send her off to get it in good old, old York City.

Andrew: But if we outlaw abortion, how would we punish the mother? Because she’ll need to be punished. She’ll be so happy about a crime.

Ben: We could always put her in a boat and let her sail off the cliff at the edge of the world. She would of course, tumbled down with the four giant turtles the holding up the earth, and maybe one of them would eat her.

Andrew: Yeah, kind of played out there.

James: I know. What if we get a donkey drunk and we dress it up in her husband’s clothes. Then the next morning? She’s like, “Did I just have sex with a donkey?” And the whole town’s waiting outside like, “Ah, you’re burnt.”

Ben: Maybe, maybe. But what if the donkey get her pregnant and then we’d legally have to protect the fetus. And if the half donkey chili is a man that could become king.

Andrew and James: Ah! The prophecy.

Ben: But let’s be careful. The worst thing that could happen if someone leaks this conversation to the town crier?

Margaret: Knock, knock. Just kidding. We don’t have doors. Anyway, I was outside watching the sheriff throw left handed children into the river. And I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about a new law?

Andrew: Oh-oh. Woman hear ideas and it make her think, “Why I no have those?”

Margaret: Yeah, something like that. So I have a couple of questions.

Ben: Careful Margaret. Don’t make us make another hole in your skull so your brain can breathe.

Margaret: Right. I was just wondering since I’m almost at the childbearing age of 12, shouldn’t women have the right to choose since having a baby means like a 50% chance of dying?

Ben: Yes, but that’s why we’re also offering maternity leaves. When you’re done with 20 years of continuous maternity, you can leave.

Andrew: Shouldn’t we at least make exceptions in cases of rape or incest?

James: But those are the only kinds of sex.

Margaret: You know, I guess I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this issue? Like what about the fact that no one can read or write? Everyone’s dying to plague?

Andrew: Oh, you think just because I have active plague, that means I need to wear a mask? It’s my body, my choice.

Ben: Well, it’s clear to me that we’ve reached the limits of human knowledge. We found the haircut. We know the sun is the moon when it’s happy. We trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.

James: Plus we have birth control now. You can’t get pregnant as long as when the man ejaculates, he whispers, “Just kidding.” Well, there’s always plan B, letting 1000 bees sting you.

Ben: Now, let’s all vote. Men, who think we should outlaw abortion forever? Say I.

Andrew and James: I.

Ben: And who’s opposed?

Chris: Me! I’m just playing. I know I can’t vote but, you know, more is gonna be more. You ever get the feeling that this is not gonna be your century?

Kate: Enough!

Ben: My god! An ogre!

Kate: No, no, just a woman in her 30s. But I did eat a weird mushroom in a pile of cow dung, so I can see the future. And worry not dear girl. These barbaric laws will someday be overturned by something called progress. And then after about 50 years after the progress, they’ll be like, “Maybe we should undo the progress.” I don’t know why my visions from that time are very confusing. Seems like all the power comes from a place called Florida. And if you think our customs are weird, you should watch the trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Listen, I know it doesn’t sound great, but I guess no matter how many choices they take away from women, we have always had the choice to keep fighting. [cheers and applause]

Ben: That’s really inspiring. And after hearing your perspective, I suddenly realize you’re a witch and we’re gonna set you on fire.

Kate: Alright, wouldn’t be the first time.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night