Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping] [cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Vaccine Fraud and Mars Rover

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of a new article that says “Two women dressed up as grandmothers to get vaccine” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida officials say two women tried to get a second dose of the vaccine by dressing up as grandmothers. Which in Florida means they just dressed up as 35 year olds.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rover on Mars at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NASA’s rover ‘Perseverance’ successfully landed on Mars and started a Twitter account to send back updates. First it was – “I’m safe on Mars!” Then – “Collected first soil sample!” And then – “Oh no, why is there no white history month?” Wow, it really figured out Twitter fast.

[picture changes to Krispy Kreme’s new doughnut]

Krispy Kreme is marking the landing of the rover on Mars by offering a limited edition doughnut modeled after Mars. It’s different from their usual doughnut which is modeled after Uranus. [picture changes to normal doughnut (that has a hole)] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Kim Kardashain and Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kin Kardashain has filed for divorce from Kanye West. And I really sympathize with Kanye because I know from experience how difficult it is to have to move that many sneakers out of a white lady’s apartment.

[Picture changes to a mammoth]

Researchers studying the remains of a Willy mammoth have uncovered the world’s oldest DNA sequence. In fact, it’s so old, Andrew Cuomo is covering up it’s death.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man wearing a catholic priest’s outfit at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Catholic leaders issued new pandemic guidelines on ash Wednesday discouraging priests from wiping ashes directly off people’s foreheads. And I think not touching could just be a great new rule in general.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Israel is reporting that they vaccinated half of their population. And I’m gonna guess it’s the Jewish half.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of #SIMP at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular new hashtag among teenagers is SIMP which describes boys who are overly nice to girls they like, as in only a simp would flee a disaster just because his wife wanted to go to Cancun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman has created a customized life jacket that allows a disabled goldfish to swim. The woman came up with the idea while not having plans on Vaneltine’s day.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of

Colin Jost: The retired admiral who oversaw the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden is releasing a children’s book. The book is the surprising collaboration called “The Berenstain Bears kill Osama Bin Laden.”

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Neighbor Willie on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The vaccine has been rolled out with about a thousand Americans taking it this week, but I don’t know guys. I’m still feeling skeptical. So, to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in] [cheers and applause]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Oh, man. It’s a Christmas miracle. The vaccine is finally here.

Michael Che: I don’t know if I trust this vaccine, Willie.

Willie: Oh, I was skeptical too, Michael. I’ve been searching for that vaccine since March. And I was starting to give up hope.

Michael Che: What do you mean you were searching for the vaccine?

Willie: Well, you know. I’d go down to the city park, pick up some needles up the ground, try them out.

Michael Che: Willie, that is very dangerous.

Willie: Well, Michael, if you want to hit the lotto, you got to crack some eggs.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Finally, I just got lucky and CEO of Pfizer personally knocked on my window to give me the vaccine.

Michael Che: Are you sure that was the CEO of Pfizer?

Willie: Of course, Michael. Unless that was just some African dude making it up.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Willie: No. It was him.

Michael Che: Willie, aren’t you worried about the side effects?

Willie: Oh, Michael, we all have birth defects.

Michael Che: I said side effects.

Willie: But that’s not the vaccine’s for. At most, it makes you a little sleepy. But you wake up in a tub of ice good as new.

Michael Che: In a tub of ice?

Willie: Well, it’s like they say, Michael. “They replaced your organs with newspaper again, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, man.

Willie: I guess I’m just a little more trusting than doctors since my grand daddy worked in medicine.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. He was famous too. He was the first person chosen to take a miracle vaccine that would make his town safe again. And it worked too.

Michael Che: What vaccine was that?

Willie: It was called “The lethal injection”.

Michael Che: Willie, I’m still worried about taking that shot.

Willie: Oh, Michael! You sound just like my old dog Lucias. He didn’t want to take his shot either. He’d run and hide until we found a little trick. We put some peanut butter on the barrel of the rifle and he ran right to it.

Michael Che: Rifle?

Willie: Yes. It’s like they always say, “You can’t make a fur coat out of just one dog, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, this isn’t making anybody feel better.

Willie: Oh, Michael! Michael! This has been a tough year for everybody. But we can still get through this. You know, I was pretty sick myself this year.

Michael Che: Oh, I didn’t know that, Willie.

Willie: Yeah. I followed all the rules. I wore mask. Kept 500 feet away from schools. But I still got affected. I had all the symptoms. Heavy cough, no sense of smell or taste, tiny bumps on my peepee, could barely breathe. But did I let that stop me from beat boxing at the nursing home?

Michael Che: I really hope it did.

Willie: No, sir. It’s like they always say in show biz, Michael. “You wiped off St. Mary’s village, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, everybody!

Pence Gets the Vaccine Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Karen… Lauren Holt

Doctor… Mikey Day

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NBC news intro]

Male voice: And now, vice-president Mike Pence receives the COVID-19 vaccine on live TV.

[Cut to Mike pence walking in to get vaccine]

Mike Pence: Hello. Thank you. I’m sure all Americans are excited to see me. The guy who let covid spread everywhere get one of the first vaccines. And my wife Karen will get one as well. [Karen nods her head yes] Would you like to say anything? [Karen shakes her head no] But you can talk. [Karen raises her shoulder] See you soon, mother. Before we begin, I just want to reassure the American people that this vaccine is completely safe and harmless. That’s why President Trump refuses to take it or talk about it. Instead, he sent me here to be his, what do you call it?

Doctor: Human shield?

Mike Pence: That’s right. That’s exactly the phrase he used. He is a colorful man. Even more fun on steroids.

Doctor: He’s still taking those?

Mike Pence: Speaking of roids, you’re probably noticing that I’m rocking short sleeves for this. So, if I look swole as F, that’s not an allergic reaction. I’ve been lifting weights in my driveway like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty and that’s where the similarities end.

Doctor: You don’t have to keep talking.

Mike Pence: I do. I do. So, thank you to all Americans for trusting President Trump with your health. He may not be doing president anymore, but he still cares deeply about not going to prison.

Doctor: Should we just start?

Mike Pence: Alright. You win, doc. Let’s get this over with.

[Karen starts opening his pants.]

Doctor: No, no. Mr. Vice President, it’s not that kind of vaccine.

Mike Pence: Oh, no. It’s okay. If you’re a doctor, you can go in.

Doctor: Mr. Vice President, it’s a simple injection in your arm.

Mike Pence: Oh. Okay. Cool.

Doctor: Really easy, and there you go.

Mike Pence: I didn’t feel a thing.

Doctor: Yes, it’s totally painless.

Mike Pence: No. I meant for the past four years, I haven’t felt a thing. Just kind of watched the country burn.

Doctor: Okay. Well, I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re all set. You handled it like a champ. And here is your lollipop.

Mike Pence: A lolli? Well, I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Yoo-hoo! Hello.

Mike Pence: No, no, no. Kamala Harris? You can’t see my bare forearms like this. Eyes off my elbows.

Kamala Harris: I promise you I am not interested.

Mike Pence: How did you even get into the White House?

Kamala Harris: I won more votes.

Mike Pence: Okay. I suppose you and Joe might be in here soon if those election results hold up.

[Kamala Harris slaps Mike Pence]

Kamala Harris: You do not.

Mike Pence: Okay. I’m sorry. Trump made me do it. He says I have to over turn the election or he’ll make my Spotify playlist public.

Kamala Harris: Listen. I have good news, Mike.

Mike Pence: Oh my god! BTS is touring again?

Kamala Harris: Even though you lost, you could still come back from this stronger than ever like the current president elect, my man, Joe Biden. Get in here, Joe.

[Joe Biden walks in. He’s walking with a support of a cane. Then he loses the cane, and does a somersault.]

Joe Biden: Hey there, Kamala.

Mike Pence: You look different, somehow.

Joe Biden: Yep. I’m like Cornell Sanders. Every time you see me, I’m a different guy. There’s a good chance this time next year, I’m going to be Mario Lopez. Now, where the vaccines at?

Mike Pence: I thought you were getting it on Monday, Joe.

Joe Biden: Yeah, but Kamala wants me to get it over with.

Kamala Harris: Well, I’m worried about you, Joe. Specially you’re already in a cast in Day -40 in “Office”.

Joe Biden: I just want to let the American people know one thing. You’re about to have a real leader again. You’re going to have the most diverse cabinet in the history of American politics.

Kamala Harris: And I will make sure that Joe never specifies what he means by diverse. That is my Christmas present to you, America.

Joe Biden: Or, if you celebrate Kwanza–

Kamala Harris: [interrupting] No! We’re going to go. Bye, bye.

Mike Pence: Well, thank you all for watching.

[Rudy Giuliani runs in]

Rudy Giuliani: Wait, wait. I hope I’m not too late. I heard they were giving out free meds.

Mike Pence: Oh my god. Rudy, are you okay?

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah, I’m better than ever. That’s what everyone’s saying.

Mike Pence: Rudy, what is happening with your face?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh. I think all my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me. In the Bora, I figured out people thought I was touching myself. I was actually trying to tuck my blood back in.

Mike Pence: Oh my god.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, and if you see black liquid running down my legs, don’t worry. That’s just pube dye.

Mike Pence: What? Okay, can you give this man a shot please?

Doctor: For what? Rabies?

Rudy Giuliani: Hey! Hey! You don’t joke down the mayor of 7-Eleven.

Doctor: Wait. 7-Eleven?

Rudy Giuliani: You be surprised.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Excuse me.

Mike Pence: Dr. Carson?

Ben Carson: Yes, it is I. Dr. Benjamin Carson. I came here to ask what do I do?

Mike Pence: In terms of the vaccine?

Ben Carson: No, no. In terms of my job. What is it that I do? You see, I’ve been sitting alone in a dark office for the past four years and no one has told me what to do.

Mike Pence: Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re all leaving in a couple of weeks.

Ben Carson: Well, can you at least tell me what my job was? I’d like to put it on my resume.

Doctor: Sorry. Weren’t you a brain surgeon?

Ben Carson: Oh, nobody can believe that now. Fiddle damn diddle!

Mike Pence: Well, America, I hope you trust the vaccine now. You know how it works because you can buy it in the soda fridge at CVS. Merry Christmas.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Dr. Wenowdis on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Colin Jost

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the FDA advisory panel voted to recommend emergency authorization of the Pfizer vaccine. Here to comment is Weekend Update’s resident medical expert Wayne

[Dr. Wayne Wenowdis slides in]

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Ae-yo! Hello.

Colin Jost: Hello, Dr. Wenowis. Great. Now, you are obviously a very distinguished member of your field.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this.

Colin Jost: Yes. We’re so glad you’re here because people are really excited about the vaccine but they also have a lot of questions about it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. We know this.

Colin Jost: Right. This is a first vaccine from Pfizer.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this.

Colin Jost: And it’s 95% effective?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um. We love this.

Colin Jost: Okay, great. There’s no major side effects?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, we’re horny for this.

Colin Jost: And the first doses are going to be delivered within days.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. We know this. We see this. We love this. We know this. We know this.

Colin Jost: Right. And just to clarify for the viewers, are you saying “We know this”? Or are you just sort of repeating your own name? Sort of like Pikachu?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: It’s a little bit of both, baby.

Colin Jost: Okay. I got you. Americans I think are wondering when they can get it and what the distribution will look like.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Okay. Listen to me. The thing about this vaccine. We know this that we have this. But everything else about the vaccine, who to get this, when we get this, how we get this, we don’t know this.

Colin Jost: Right. Then, even when we’re going to have the vaccine, the third American say they might not take it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Right. Right. In general we thought with this pandemic, we didn’t do good. It could have been better. But it actually could not have been worse. I don’t know how we do this but we blow this.

Colin Jost: Yes. You might be right. We always appreciate your insight, Dr. Wenodis.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Thank you so much. But before I go, I give you the vaccine live on the air.

Colin Jost: Oh. I don’t know if I should be one of the first ones to get it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, no. Come on. You’re so handsome.

Colin Jost: Okay, you’re right.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: [pulls out a huge injection without needle filled with water.] Come on vaccine. Oh! [sprays the water on Colin Jost’s face] Come on vaccine. It’s a vaccine. We got lots of vaccine.

Colin Jost: Kate? Are you okay?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: The answer is no.

Colin Jost: I’m very sorry to hear that.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I think what it is is I stopped going to therapy because I’m really bad on the phone. I do too many pauses. I told her, “Maybe every other week” and then I blocked her number. It’s just like the light at the end of the tunnel has showed us how stinky and bad the tunnel is. It’s like, how will the vaccine get to everybody? We don’t know this. Will we have enough? We don’t know this. Will life ever really go back to normal? This, we do not know this. But what we do know for certain, Colin, is that we know nothing.

Colin Jost: Kate, I know that it feels like it’s going to be forever.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Uh-huh. Yes.

Colin Jost: But as Florence as well as Machine once said, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” We’re going to get through this together.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We’re going to get what?

Colin Jost: We’re going to get through this.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this.

Colin Jost: Dr. Wenowdis

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We’re gonna get through this. We gotta get thorough this.