Tag: Vanessa

A Peek at Pico

Vanessa… Melissa Villsaeñor

Sofia… Selena Gomez

Chad Mitchell… Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Sofia in their show set]

Vanessa: Ay, Welcome to A Peek at Pico, Pico Rivera’s number one public access talk show. I’m Vanessa.

Sofia: I’m Sofia. And on this show, we talk about everything happening in Pico Rivera from the good…

Vanessa: To the bad. So like what do you get into this weekend, chica?

Sofia: I got a new eyeliner.

Vanessa: I was gonna say, I saw that. It looks good.

Sofia: Yeah, well, the eyeliner poked me in the eye.

Vanessa: Aw, that’s sad.

Sofia: Sad. Okay, we gotta go talk to Chad.

Vanessa: Yeah, Chad’s outside right now. Bienvenidos, Chad.

Chad: Hi, yeah, this is Chad Mitchell reporting live from Pico Park. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining. Families have been coming to this park for generations.

Vanessa: That’s good.

Chad: Yes. But city officials…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye, Chad.

Chad: Wait!

Vanessa: Okay, we’re gonna bring out a guest. She hangs out at the library with the books. Bienvenidos, Becca.

[Becca walks in with some books]

Becca: Hi. [cheers and applause] Thanks for having me. I want to clarify, though, that I’m a librarian. I don’t just hang out with books.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s good.

Sofia: Yeah. Because when I heard that, I was like, that’s sad.

Vanessa: Sad. Yeah, so Becca, what’s up with all these books?

Becca: Well, these are some summer reading books we have at the library.

Sofia: Like what?

Becca: Well, this one is the giver.

Vanessa: Damn, what’s that about?

Becca: It’s a book about a society where no one can see colors.

Sofia: That’s sad.

Vanessa: Sad.

Becca: Yes, it is. But then one day…

Vanessa: [interrupting] They can see purple though, right?

Becca: No, they can’t see purple.

Sofia: That’s sad. I love purple.

Vanessa: Oh, do you guys have “Cat in the Hat”? That book is so funny.

Becca: Well, yes, we do have the Cat in the Hat.

Sofia: Oh, that’s good.

Becca: Well, you know we also have…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye Becca.

[Becca leaves]

Sofia: Okay, now we’re gonna go back to Chad.

Vanessa: Yeah, Chad’s outside right now.

Chad: Yeah, actually, you kind of cut me off earlier. See, local news stories usually start with a couple of descriptive sentences to set the scene before transitioning into the actual news story.

Vanessa and Sofia: Oh, okay.

Chad: Okay. So city officials…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye, Chad.

Chad: Seriously?

Sofia: Okay, we got another guest now. He makes music but he doesn’t even sing. He just raps. Bienvenidos, Lil’ Hub Cap.

Lil’ Hub Cap: What’s up? What’s up? What’s up Pico Rivera? It’s your boy Lil’ Hub Cap.

Vanessa: Damn, look at you. So you got an album out or something?

Lil’ Hub Cap: Yeah, my music is inspired by my struggle. See, my dad wasn’t around much. And when he was, he was mean.

Sofia: Hmm, your dad was a bad man.

Lil’ Hub Cap: My dad was Batman?

Sofia: No, not Batman. Your dad was a bad man.

Venessa: Yeah, you had a bad dad. That’s sad. But then you turn your bad dad into rap, that’s good.

Lil’ Hub Cap: Yo, I didn’t catch all that. I’ma just do my song.

Vanessa: You can do right here.

Lil’ Hub Cap: Alright.

[music playing]

[rapping] I grew up with nothing

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s sad.

Lil’ Hub Cap: But now I got it all

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s good

Lil’ Hub Cap: But I still feel like nothing

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s sad

Lil’ Hub Cap: But I’m standing tall

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s good

Lil’ Hub Cap: Hub Cap, skrr skrr

Peace out, y’all.

[cheers and applause]

Rebecca: Wow, that was sad but it made me feel good.

Sofia: Yeah, it’s cathartic.

Rebecca: Cathartic?

Sofia: Yeah.

Rebecca: What’s cathartic?

Sofia: That’s when it’s good to be sad.

Rebecca: Oh, that’s good. Okay, we’re gonna talk to Chad because he’s outside right now. Hey Chad, what’s going on with the park?

Chad: Really? You’re actually going to let me do the story?

Selena: Yeah, we want to know.

Chad: Okay, well, I’m here in Pico park where the sun is shining and the birds are chirping.

Rebecca: Okay, we’re out of time.

Chad: Of course we are.

Vanessa and Sofia: Bye, Chad.

Vanessa: Okay, our show’s over now. Sophia, you can go meet up with your man.

Sofia: Okay. Ai! I poked my eye again.

Vanessa: That’s sad.

Sofia: That’s sad.

Dinner with the Dean

Vanessa… Cecily Strong

Louis… Jake Gyllenhaal

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Vanessa talking to Andrew and Chloe]

Vanessa: So then Louis says, “If you could only cook as well as you could argue, we could fire the chef.” And I said, “Well, Louis, if you could make love as well as you argue, we could fire the gardener.” Ha-ha-ha-ha

Louis: Alright, dear, I think you’ve had enough. You’re boring our guests so much, they’ll think we’re even duller than when they got here.

Andrew: Oh, well, thank you, Professor Williams and your wife, Vanessa Williams. It was an honor to get a dinner invitation from the Dean of–

Vanessa: Junior Dean.

Louis: Yeah!

Andrew: Junior Dean of the Fine Arts Program here at Beige College. But we really should be going.

Chloe: Yes. You see, it’s well past nine and we’re trying to have a baby.

Vanessa: We almost had one of those once. Remember, dear?

Louis: If I recall, it was all your fault.

Vanessa: How dare you, you washed up piece of–

Louis: [Grunts] Watch it, old girl.

Vanessa: Or what? You’re worried I’ll tell them about your art?

Louis: Darling, I’m warning you.

Andrew: Oh, Professor, I just thought you were a historian. I didn’t know you were an artist as well.

Louis: I’m not.

Vanessa: Oh, don’t be modest, Louis. Show them. Show them your art.

Louis: It’s not ready yet and you know that!

Vanessa: You’ve been saying that for Vanessa5 years. Show them or I will!

Louis: Vanessa Joan Williams, you’re turning over very thin line.

Chloe: Well, I do love art.

Vanessa: Ha! Then you’re in luck. Well, which one should we look at first?

Louis: I said they’re not finished! Now, sit down or I will sit you down.

Vanessa: Oh, here is a good one. You were working on this one the day we met.

Louis: The day the sun went out. Now put it away.

Vanessa: [holding a painting] He told me he was painting it for his father. He was going to show it in Paris.

Louis: Give it to me, you witch.

Vanessa: I was going to be the wife of a famous artist and we’d have a baby right after. Let me show them.

Louis: It’s not finished, you childish shrew! [Vanessa slaps Louis] Oh! Oh, the devil is a woman!

Andrew: Oh, we don’t have to see it. Not if you’re going to hit each other over it.

Vanessa: No. You need to see what my husband could do if he had the stuff to finish anything. [the painting is of a dog reading newspaper. The headline says “Man bites dog!”]

Chloe: Oh. Oh, my.

Louis: It’s not finished. I never got the expression right. And the writing on the back of the paper is just squiggles.

Andrew: Well, I think the painting is great the way you have it, but we really should go.

Vanessa: No, no, no. Sit down. The art show is just getting started. You need to see the reason my husband never gave me a baby.

[Vanessa shows another painting of a pug holding a lightsaber.]

Louis: It’s not finished.

Andrew: What more would you do to it?

Chloe: And why is that why you don’t have a baby?

Louis: He locked himself in his studio night after night, screaming, torturing himself.

Louis: You’ve got a lot of twisted thoughts in that head of yours.

Vanessa: Don’t interrupt, dear. I’m telling our guests about the dark places you would go so you can make art like this.

[It’s a picture of a dog sitting with a robe on holding a TV remote and a bowl of popcorn.]

Andrew: That one’s a photograph, right?

Louis: Well, it’s not finished, but yes, it is. Photos are art, too. Now, let’s stop this and get my wife another drink. It’s the only way to plug her mouth.

Vanessa: Or we could look at your self portrait. I call it “Why I Don’t Have a Baby. [It’s a painting of a dog painting]

Louis: Put it away! They don’t want to see that! It’s too dark! Oh! Oh, that’s why I never sold anything. They’re all too dark.

Andrew: And that’s you?

Louis: Yes, it’s me and my studio, but it’s not finished.I was going to add a thought bubble that said, “It’s a living.” But what does it matter now? Are you happy, dear? You’ve shown them what a heartless creature you are and what a failure your husband is.

Vanessa: And that’s why we can’t escape each other and why we can never have children.

Louis: Cheers to that.

Chloe: And why again is that keeping you from having children?

Andrew: Stop asking that.

Vanessa: Here’s your answer. Look at this one. [It’s a picture of a jacked dog]

Louis: That one actually is finished.

The Naomi Show

Naomi.. Gal Gadot

Vanessa… Aidy Bryant

AJ… Heidi Gardner

Wall… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Naomi Show intro]

[Cut to Naomi in her set]

Naomi: Welcome back to Naomi. Today, we’re talking to moms about their terrible teens. Our next guest is Vanessa Rogers who is having a problem with her daughter.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa, how are you?

Vanessa: Real bad, Naomi. AJ is 13. And she’s physically abusive, she curses, she calls our minister a bitch. And I found so many straws in her room. I don’t know if they are used for drugs but they scare me. Okay? I blame myself coz she has no father figure.

[Cut to Naomi]

Naomi: Vanessa, I’m going to help you today. Today’s children sit around and play video games. Where I’m from, we had to grow up tough. And it sounds like AJ needs some tough love. AJ, come on out.

[AJ walks in with hands full of straws. The audience booing.]

AJ: Oh, screw you all. Go on. Go on. Hate on me. You know, y’all are jealous of me and my straws because you don’t even know what I use them for.

Naomi: Okay. That’s enough. AJ, take a seat. [AJ sits beside Vanessa] We’ve been talking to your mother and it sounds like you’re out of control. This has to stop today.

AJ: Naomi, I run things so much in my house that sometimes she calls me mom.

Naomi: Vanessa, is that true?

Vanessa: On occasion, yes.

Naomi: Well, on my show, no one gets bossed around. AJ, meet sergeant Wall.

[sirens]

[Wall walks in]

Wall: Well, well, well. What do we have here? You must think you bad, huh? [Wall grabs AJ by her hand and pulls her front roughly] You wanna get you act together, young lady?

AJ: Nah!

Wall: You wanna be good in school?

AJ: Hah, nah!

Wall: What about that woman right there? Do you love that woman? You love her, right?

AJ: No.

Wall: You need to learn some respect. There is an opening in my boot camp for the next eight weeks. You can come live with me. Do you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yes, sir.

Wall: What?

AJ: yes, sir. I want you to be my daddy.

Wall: You do? You sure you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yeah. I have no daddy. But wait. Now, I do have a daddy. You are my daddy.

Wall: Well, I mean, you know, let’s just–

Vanessa: Oh, wow, this is not what I expected.

Naomi: This is obviously what AJ needs.

AJ: Tyler, Regan, all my friends watching at home, meet my dad!

Naomi: We are witnessing a live adoption, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to 5 in audience]

5: Um, excuse me. Excuse me. I work for the state and we’d love to help. We can make this done today. Hah?

[cheers and applause]

Wall: No. I think that might set a bad example. We should try to go through the proper channels.

AJ: Um, dad, I think we did. Because you just said you’re my dad, dad!

Vanessa: It is so good to have a man around the house again. And we can figure out the nature of our relationship. But let it be known, sergeant, that my vote is sexual.

Wall: Well, I am already in a relationship.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, then, I will be a side piece.

Naomi: No, no, no. No way. We don’t do that on my show. Sergeant wall, this is your family now. And you are going to treat them right.

AJ: I benefit from boundaries and stability. And dad, I’m happy to say I’m off my straws!

[AJ throws the straws away]

Wall: Okay. Y’all know I’m not really a sergeant, right? I mean, my name is Craig Willis. I’m an actor. You might have seen me on ‘Moesha’.

AJ: We don’t care what your job is, daddy. We love you.

Naomi: This is one of the most wonderful shows we’ve ever had. The birth of a family.

Vanessa:  Well. And, we’re expecting another.

Wall: Oh, damn! Okay.

Naomi: Another teen saved with a little tough love. When we come back, we’ll meet Paul, whose mother says he has never drank a glass of water.

 

Donald Trump’s Vice President Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ivanka Trump… Vanessa

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Donald Trump speaking on the phone in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: No, it’s true. I’m telling you. Mr. Trump is the real life inspiration for Ironman. Who am I? I’m his publicist, Joey Pepperoni. No, I’m not Donald Trump in disguise. This is just what classing people sound like. Okay.

[Ivanka Trump walks in]

Ivanka: Dad, Chris Christie is here. He sort of wants to discuss potential vice-presidents. Uh, he’s sort of been waiting downstairs for two hours.

Donald Trump: Fine. Send him in.

[Chris Christie walks in]

Chris Christie: Hey, is that Joey pepperoni I see? Seriously though. Donald, I’m honored that you asked me to help you find your next VP.

Donald Trump: I appreciate your help. I really do. I need someone experienced, loyal, strong.

Chris Christie: Yeah. That sounds like somebody I know. It sounds like Chris Christie. Wait, who said that? Did you hear that? Why did that come from?

Donald Trump: Whatever? What have you got for me?

Chris Christie: Uh, well I thought one strong option could be a Jeb Bush.

[Donald Trump and Chris Christie laughing hard]

Okay, but seriously, what about Carly Fiorina?

Donald Trump: I do feel a kinship with Carly. She’s also an outsider who ran a very unsuccessful business.

Chris Christie: She can help you with your woman problem too. I mean, women look up to her.

Donald Trump: For what? She’s a big cup, tops.

Chris Christie: [laughing] That is very good. I wish I could work for someone as funny as you have some day. [giggling] Okay. Moving on. How about a guy from a swing state, Florida? He’s a half Hispanic with a proven track record of standing up for himself.

Donald Trump: George Zimmerman.

Chris Christie: No, no, no, no, no, no. Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump: Oh, little Martha. I can’t ask him to be VP until his parents signed the release form. I need someone who can lead. Where do I find that?

Chris Christie: It beats me. [showing his own photo] Oh my God. How did this get in here? Now, that is crazy. Look at that. Maybe. Yes, maybe. No, maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now this next one, it’s a little outside the box, but I feel very strongly about it. Hear me out. Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come on! He’s the boss. You’re the boss. He was born to run.

Donald Trump: He is a Democrat.

Chris Christie: [yelling He is a god. I’m sorry. Do you have any idea, sir?

Donald Trump: What about John Kasich? He’s smart, experienced. He can help us in Ohio.

Chris Christie: He said he’s not interested.

Donald Trump: He’s a loser. Big fat loser. What about Nikki Haley?

Chris Christie: Also interested.

Donald Trump: Ted Cruz?

Chris Christie: Hard no.

Donald Trump: Paul Ryan?

Chris Christie: He said, not right now, but he will see you in hell.

Donald Trump: Lindsey Graham.

Chris Christie: He said he would love to, but then he laughed so hard that I had to walk away.

Donald Trump: It doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone want to be my VP?

Chris Christie: If I may be so bold, sir? I think anyone who didn’t want to be your VP would be a damn fool. [music playing] You are such a special candidate. Maybe, just maybe, the person you’ve been looking for this whole time standing in this room right now.

Donald Trump: You are so right. Ben Carson, you want to be vice president?

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Oh, that would be hell exciting.

Donald Trump: Great. Let’s do it.

All: And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

[The End]