Tag: Vanessa Bayer

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Third Winter Storm

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The eastern seaboard was slammed by two massive winter storms in seven days canceling thousands of flights and leaving millions without power. Now, third storm may be on the way. Here to explain is Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her Weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Thank you Mi-ka-kel. You got that right. We’re looking at not one, not two but two big biggies. Some are the biggest bids we’ve seen in quite a times. Absolutely dump after dump. Wow!

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, it’s simple. Windy winds are coming out of your north and your east, pushing it way down into that major cold cohooting. Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah what?

Dawn Lazarus: What?

Michael Che: You sounded like you had more to say.

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Is something wrong, Dawn? Only about half of what you’re saying makes sense.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: It’s live TV and its a bit nervous, okay? Cameras will make that mouth go poop.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. What can you tell us about why there’s been so many storms?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. What a wow it’s been out in that side. This year’s got temps in this simple dipits. Why? Global warming. We treat that earth like a big bitch. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it seems like storms are becoming more common. Do you have any tips for how to prepare or–?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Um. De- bet ya. First of, be sure to keep it safety. And hey, if you gotta go car on those icy roads, slowing it right down will be the bib pop of deal, nakay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. Nakay. So, are you able to tell us whether there’s gonna be another storm?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus. She is facing backwards.]

Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus turns around]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Is there another storm on the way?

Dawn Lazarus: Shoe don’t know.

Michael Che: Okay. Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

Dawn Lazarus: Thank it.

Michael Che: Thank it? For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Dawn Lazarus: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Memorial Day Weekend

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, memorial day weekend is approaching. Here with the look at the early summer weather is our own Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, Michael, here comes that summer and ooh, it’s a fun one.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Oh, Dawn, your’e back already? You were just here and it really didn’t work out.

Dawn Lazarus: Hey, it’s the last show and I’m going to sneak that in.

Michael Che: Are you okay? It’s kind of hard to understand you.

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. That camera-camera make it nervous and yeah?

Michael Che: Am, okay, Dawn, is it looking nice for memorial day weekend?

Dawn Lazarus: The better believe that. [Cut to Dawn Lazarus] While it’s time to pack at that sunscreen and protect those skins because yeah, it’s hot and hot. So if it’s beach and park, stay hydrated and water that mouth.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Okay, so far it seems like you’re saying it will be sunny.

Dawn Lazarus: Yep.

Michael Che: Any other specifics like the entire country’s gonna be sunny or —

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, in the west coast that’s no surprise. Sun is always a wow. But hey, if it’s north are you, that’s looking a lot of bit in overcast. But hopefully, no god damn rain. And that’s the cast for you.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. I’m sorry. But I really didn’t catch any of that. [Cut to Dawn Lazarus’s set. She’s not there] Dawn? Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus walks back]

Dawn Lazarus: Ep?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: So, I guess you’re done? You’re not going to sign off?

Dawn Lazarus: Oops, and that’s what happened in your neck of the what.

Michael Che: Alright. Dawn Lazarus, everybody! She is better. Much better.

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro]

[music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Millwood High School

Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Dwayne speaking at the podium. There are four students around him]

Dwayne: Alright, seniors. Well, give it up again for the recipients of the Eugene Dwalf Scholarship. Now, each and every single one of you will receive $25 towards your college tuition.

[the students leave]

Now, for the fun part, as you know some of your senior class mates have put together an amazing skit performance looking back on this incredible year.

[four seniors walk in]

Beck: Man! Four years? I still can’t believe we’re seniors.

Kyle: Yeah. This has been one crazy ride.

Bobby: But now, it’s coming to an end.

Vanessa: Yeah. And I actually heard some special guests were gonna be stopping by to celebrate the–

All: Class of 2017.

[music playing]

[They all dab]

[Bobby wears a Deadpool mask]

Bobby: Ola, it’s me Deadpool. Congrats. It’s time to make the chimi-changas!

Beck: I’ll take the Deadpool chimi-changas over the roast beef in the cafeteria.

[The juniors are laughing hard, while the cafeteria cook is looking at them angrily]

[now, they have bicycle handles. They are impersonating the Stranger Things.]

Kyle: Something isn’t right. Are we in the upside down?

Vanessa: No, we’re graduating, bro.

Bobby: Man, that’s a stranger things.

[Beck is eating cookies]

Kyle, Vanessa nd Bobby: Eleven!

Beck: No, it’s just two. [showing two cookies.]

Dwayne: [laughing] Oh, my god! That was Stranger Things. I mean, god! I’m gonna miss you crazy fools. Once you graduate, I guess we could start hanging out. Yeah!

[Now, Kyle has a wig on]

Beck: And the Oscar for the most amazing senior class goes to…

Kyle: La-La-Land.

[Vanessa runs in and gives Beck a piece of paper]

Bobby: Oh, no! I’m Jimmy Kimmel. There has been a mistake. It’s actually…

All: All the Millwood seniors.

Beck: Man! That was a huge mistake. Just like ordering the roast beef at the cafeteria.

[The juniors are laughing hard, while the cafeteria cook is looking at them angrily]

Pete: [to cook] Ha-ha-ha. Your roast beef sucks.

Dwayne: Ha-ha. It’s crazy coz it is bad beef. Alright, it’s an amazing observation, guys. I can’t believe it’s just three years before we can all drink together. Oh, it’s gonna be great. Okay, shut up. Shut up. Yeah, coz there’s more. There’s more.

[now Kyle had horns, Beck is wearing a yellow female dress, Bobby is carrying a rose and Vanessa is holing candles]

Kyle: Oh, no. The last petal from the Beauty and the Beast rose has almost fallen.

Vanessa: I guess we won’t turn into college students.

Beck: Unless…

All: [singing] Seniors always rule
all the juniors drool
class of 17

Gemma with Dwayne Johnson 2

Vanessa Bayer

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Dwayne Johnson

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]

Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.

Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?

Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.

[Vanessa and Gene hug]

[Dwayne and Gemma walk in]

Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.

Gemma: Coming by.

Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.

Gemma: Grab my hand?

Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.

Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.

Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.

Gemma: Alright.

Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?

Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?

Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?

Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?

Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?

Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?

Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?

Gene: I hope not.

Vanessa: Just don’t!

Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.

Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.

[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?

Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”

Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?

Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.

Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.

[ride starts]

Dwayne: Ay! Ay!

Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.

Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.

Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”

Dwayne: Yeah.

Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’

Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.

Dwayne: Gene, Duck!

[Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]

Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?

Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.

Vanessa: Well, may name–

Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck!

[Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]

Vanessa: Why?

Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.

Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.

Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.

Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous

[Gene is shaking his head enjoying]
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!

Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?

Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck!

[A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[The ride is over.]

Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.

Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.

Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.

Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude!

[Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]

Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.

Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.

Vanessa: But I don’t want to.

Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?

[Water splashes on Vanessa again]

Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.

[The ride starts again]

Cartier Ad

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with video clips of a fancy party.]

[Cut to a beautiful woman and her man]

Male voice: You love her. You cherish her. But let’s face it, she’s a lot.

Vanessa: I can’t eat anything here.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to three women and talks with them. Beck is with her.]

Male voice: Because she is provocative. Because she’s magnetic. Because there’s always something.

Vanessa: There’s nobody good here. [The other women are looking at her angrily]

Male voice: You’d give her the sun, the moon and the starts. But for now, give her something to distract her. [Beck pulls out a jewelry box and opens it to Vanessa. There’s a diamond fidget spinner inside.] Cartier presents the diamond-encrusted fidget spinner. 14 karat gold embedded with princess cut diamonds. Designed to calm her because she “has anxietiy.”

Vanessa: [spinning the fidget spinner] So fast!

Male voice: You do you and her do that.

Vanessa: I’m balancing it.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to Aidy and talks to her]

Male voice: She’s vivacious. She’s feisty. She told you she’s thinking of opening a restaurant and you’re like, “I guess.” Give her something to focus on because let’s face it, she’s been reading ‘The Goldfinch’ for two years. She litters. She has to take cabs because her Uber rating is so low. When she’s around gay men, it’s exactly how you think it would be. And you know she is a completely different person with her family.

Vanessa: [talking on phone in kid’s voice] Hi, daddy.

Male voice: Intriguing. Addictive. A way to pass the time. I’m talking about the fidget spinner.

Vanessa: [to Beck] Hey, can we go? I’m really sick.

Beck: Okay.

Male voice: Cartier fidget spinner. Because, god, the sex is good!

First Birthday

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa McCarthy

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a group of women having a baby’s birthday party.]

Melissa Villaseñor: The kids are finally outside.

Sasheer: Great party, Jen.

Melissa Villaseñor: Thanks, guys. I know we just moved here so I really appreciate the neighborhood moms helping us celebrate little Jeremy’s first birthday. We feel really welcomed.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, well we remember what it’s like to be a young mom in a new town. And look, you have a great house and a great family. Now all you need is your animal.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, we don’t want a pet.

Sasheer: No, not a pet, silly. Your mom animal. You know, the one animal that every mom adopts as a symbol of her personality.

Melissa Villaseñor: Wait, animal?

All: Yes, your animal.

Cecily: Your animal makes everything easier. No more, what music does she like? How are her hobbies? Now, I’m just pigs. I’m done.

Melissa McCarthy: Once you embrace your animal, everything changes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at home and a voice said to me, “Your son is heading into a very important meeting.” So I chose that exact moment to call him and tell him about a girl he barely knew that had died.

Melissa Villaseñor: That seems like an inconvenient time to call.

Melissa McCarthy: I know. But I did it anyway because it was my dolphin nature.

Sasheer: I remember when I embraced my animal. Suddenly, whenever someone complimented my clothing, I respond with where I got it and how much it costs.

Leslie: Sheryl, I love that sweater.

Sasheer: Vera Wang, KOHLS, $2, jungle cats.

Melissa Villaseñor: So, how do you pick your animal?

[women laughing]

Kate: Silly girl. You seek an answer yet you do not even know the question. A deep and complex reason for your animal will come to you. For example, I think ladybugs are nice.

Leslie: My thing is angels.

Melissa Villaseñor: Um, I guess I’m just confused.

Vanessa: My animal came to me in a dream. I dreamt, I flew on great white wings. We sailed over my worries and soared over the Costco. Finally, we landed in the parking lot of the Panera Bread. And there he was, a majestic goose wearing a little hat. We made love that night.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. I’m sorry. But this sounds crazy. I don’t see how any of this applies to me.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this. Why does this pillow have a country chicken on it?

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t know. I just bought it.

Melissa McCarthy: You bought the chicken or you becoming the chicken?

Sasheer: Ladies, the animal is coming.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. No, I’ll never be like you.

Aidy: What has been put in motion cannot be undone. Soon, you’ll take your iPad to museum because your iPad is your camera.

Vanessa: All of your emails will begin with forward, forward, forward.

Melissa McCarthy: You’ll carry a nice purse and ruin it with a Purell key chain.

[All women start making their animal sound]

Leslie: I’m an angel!

[Now, Melissa Villaseñor is holding a chicken toy, wearing a chicken t-shirt]

Sasheer: Welcome, sister.

Leslie: I love you pin.

Melissa Villaseñor: The TJ Maxx by the hospital, 50 cents. Chickens!

Film Panel

Vanessa Bayer

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Lupita Nyong’o… Sasheer Zamata

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

Gay Fontaine… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Vanessa in her set]

Vanessa: Hello everyone, and welcome to Film Society of Lincoln center. Today’s panel is on the seat of women in film. I’m joined by two of today’s most sought after leading ladies., please welcome Marion Cotillard and Lupita Nyong’o.

Marion Cotillard: Bonjour. Hello.

Lupita Nyong’o: Very pretty to be here.

Vanessa: And we are honored to be joined by two film legends. First, a Hollywood icon Oscar nominee and would be victim of the black Dalia killer, the incomparable Debetter Goldry.

Debette Goldry: Debette? Debette Goldry? Is she still alive? Oh, wait, that’s me. Oh, happy spring.

Vanessa: And next to her is the silver screen siren who holds the record for most on screen love scenes at over 400. Please welcome the legendary Gay Fontaine.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, well, thank you for having booze.

Vanessa: We don’t have any alcohol.

Gay Fontaine: Alright, well, I will tell the same thing I told Richard Burton. Make it quick.

Vanessa: Hey, let’s talk about the current state of women in Hollywood.

Marion Cotillard: We must change who we are to please others.

Lupita Nyong’o: We must change our preferences to be considered agreeable.

Debette Goldry: We must remove our molars to make our faces less polish.

Gay Fontaine: Thanks Finkletown, baby.

Vanessa: I’m sorry, you did what?

Debette Goldry: Look at it. Back then, if you wanted to be a star, you had to lose a couple of bones.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, yeah, one time a producer came up to the two of us and he said, “If you remove half your ribs, I will put you in our movie.”

Marion Cotillard: My god, what did you do?

Debette Goldry: We removed half of our ribs.

Gay Fontaine: And he put us in his movie.

Debette Goldry: [holding her breasts] These are my lungs.

Vanessa: Okay. So, everybody started somewhere. What were your very first jobs in Hollywood?

Marion Cotillard: I had small parts on TV shows like Islander.

Lupita Nyong’o: I actually started in production before I went to Yale drama.

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow, yeah. My first job was as a grip.

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh, like lighting?

Debette Goldry: Oh, no, no. A grip. [gesturing like she’s holding something]

Marion Cotillard: That’s terrible.

Debette Goldry: It’s Awful judgy for someone named Marriott Courtyard.

Vanessa: So, it can be harder for actresses to get the same respect as male costars.

Gay Fontaine: You said it, sister. We were in a film where they credited us as a woman number two and woman number there.

Debette Goldry: There were only two women in the film.

Vanessa: What are some parts that you played that defied gender roles?

Lupita Nyong’o: Well, I think people were surprised to see me as an alien in ‘Star Wars.’

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow. Good for you little Peter. You know, Gay here was the first woman to fire a gun on screen.

Gay Fontaine: Now, it wasn’t in the script. It’s just that people have limits.

Debette Goldry: And for me, I was in the Sound of Music.

Gay Fontaine: What? No, you weren’t!

Debette Goldry: Oh, wait. You’re right. No, I was married to a Nazi. Sorry.

Vanessa: So, um, as actresses, you worked long days on set. How do you unwind your days off?

Debette Goldry: Oh. I’d go visit my little sister. Wink, wink. It’s my daughter.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, boy. Does she hate you?

Debette Goldry: She sure does. Happy Mother’s Day, sis.

Vanessa: Let’s pivot a little aside from your work in films. You have been the basis of major ad campaigns. How do you choose which brands to work with?

Marion Cotillard: Well, I only work with companies that empower women.

Debette Goldry: Oh, yeah, yeah. That’s too. Me and Gay were spokes models for American Lead paint.

Gay Fontaine: Now, with more lead.

Debette Goldry: We did a whistle stop tour all around the country to promote it.

Gay Fontaine: And in every stop, we would drink a little bit of lead paint.

Debette Goldry: Just to see how safe it was.

Gay Fontaine: We did great gig. It paid off my bookies.

Debette Goldry: And now I can see the future.

Vanessa: Well, it looks like we are running out of time.

Gay Fontaine: Well, you know what that means. Girls, down the ratch!

[Debette Goldry and Gay Fontaine pulls out lead paint]

Debette Goldry: Okay. We’ve got read or white. Who want’s what?

[Debette Goldry and Gay Fontaine starts eating the paint]

The Handmaid’s Tale

Chris Pine

Mikey Day

Ash… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

David… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of women wearing red robe.]
Female voice: In the not too distant future, the world is at dystopia. Women are enslaved. We have no rights and no freedoms. [people are riotting] Forced by an oppressive government to bear children under penalty of death. My name of Off-red and I intend to survive.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

[Cut to four women meet. It’s raining]

Ash: Pleased to be the fruit.

Cecily: May the lord open.

All: Under his eye.

[they start walking]

Ash: I have a news. There is a resistance forming. We could join them.

Sasheer: It’s too dangerous.
Cecily: Shh, someone is coming.

[Chris and Mikey walk in]

Chris: Hey, Ash, what’s up?

Mikey: Ash, Jen. Girl squad, man. What the frick is up?

Chris: You guys supposed to be singing on my half birthday. What did you do? Fight? Or what?

Cecily: Do you not know? It’s the republic. Everything is different now.

Chris: Different? How?

Vanessa: We’re hand maids.

Chris: Huh?

Sasheer: The government subjugated the women.

Chris: Looted?

Ash: They took our money and our jobs and our kids.

[Chris and Mikey are wondering about it]

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

Chris: I think I actually read something about that. But I’ve been super busy with work lately.

Ash: Please, leave us.

Sasheer: They see us talking to you, we will be punished.

Mikey: That sucks. You guys should like, fight back.

Chris: My dad is a lawyer. He could help you out. I mean, he mostly does entertainment law. But I’m sure he knows someone good. Just drop an email.

Sasheer: We can’t.

Chris: Okay. Sorry for helping. Ha-ha.

Vanessa: We need to go, Daniel.

Mikey: Actually, her name is Ash.

Ash: No, it’s “of Daniel.” I’m his property now.

Mikey: Wait, Daniel? Yo! That guy is like super conservative now. You should leave.

Ash: Yeah, I can’t.

Mikey: Hey! Yes, you can.

Chris: Bro! David?

[David walks in]

David: Hey!

Mikey: No way!

Cecily: Lower your voice.

Chris: How have you been?

David: Oh, the girl squad. Ah, J town. What’s different about you?

[Vanessa doesn’t have one eye.]

Chris: Oh, David, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this thing about women. It sucks.

David: Oh, yeah. I heard a little something about that. Didn’t know if it was for sure happening. Is there a protest or something?

Sasheer: Yes. Several years ago.

David: Argh! Yeah, I meant to go to that.

[Alert alarm goes on]

Vanessa: Oh, no! It’s too late.

Cecily: They found us.

[Kyle runs in with a gun]

Kyle: [shouting] Freeze! What? Girl squad? Ash, where you been? You missed peace in the park. Okay, this is gonna sound awkward, but I got to take you to the government prison to torture you or whatever. But after that, a bunch of us are going to play tipsy-pop-pop. So, y’all should come through.

[Two men take the girls away]

Chris: How much you wanna bet they don’t even come?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

Male voice: The Handmaid’s Tale, only on Hulu. See Netflix? We have one too.

Office Flirty Performance Chris Pine

Liz… Aidy Bryant

Nadeen… Vanessa Bayer

Shelly… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Chris Pine

[Starts with Liz and Nadeen in their office]

Liz: Well, Nadeen, it’s time. I think we need to do it.

Nadeen: You’re right. [presses phone button] Shelly, send him in.

[Shelly walks in with Michael]

Shelly: Have a seat.

Michael: Hi. Um, you wanted to see me? [Shelly walks out]

Liz: Yeah. Michael, good morning. You know Nadeen from HR.

Nadeen: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Hi. Uh, is everything okay?

Liz: Well, no. There’s obviously something going on that we need to address.

Michael: If this is about me taking too many sick days this month–

Nadeen: No, Michael, but there has been a pattern of behavior that simply can’t continue.

Michael: I’m sorry. I just have no clue what you’re talking about.

[music starts]

Liz: Um, no clue? You’re the one that has been driving us both crazy!

Nadeen: With you flirty hallway looks.

Liz: And the hunky way that your body is.

Michael: What?

Nadeen: So, you need to make a choice. Me or her?

Michael: A choice?

Liz: You’re tearing two friends apart. And I know you’re mine.

Nadeen: Actually, he is mine.

Michael: Excuse me?

Liz: Shut up.

[Liz and Nadeen stand and start dancing]

Liz and Nadeen: [singing] You need to give it up
Had about enough
It’s not hard to see
The boy is mine
I’m sorry that you
Seem to be confused
He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Nadeen: I think it’s time we got this straight
Sit and talk, face to face
There is no way you could mistake
Him for your man, are you insane

Liz: See I know that you may be
Just a bit jealous of me
But you’re blind if you can’t see
That his love is all in me

Michael: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. So, I’m not in trouble?

Liz and Nadeen: No.

Michael: But your fighting over me and now I have to choose whose boy I am?

Liz and Nadeen: Yes.

Michael: And you choreographed your little performance to tell me that?

Liz and Nadeen: Um-hmm.

Liz: So boy, who’s it gonna be? A diabetic mother of two?

Nadeen: Or a childless MILF with an eye for design?

Michael: I’m sorry. Which is which?

[Liz and Nadeen remove their coats]

Nadeen: [singing] I’m sorry that you

Liz: Sorry that you…

Nadeen: Seem to be confused, confused

Liz and Nadeen: He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Liz: Must you do the things you do
You keep on acting like a fool

[Shelly walks in]

Shelly: Hey guys, I’m going on–

Liz: [yelling at Shelly] Oh! Please! You’re fired!

[Shelly runs out]

Michael: Okay. Okay. I don’t– I don’t mean to interrupt but you- you- you ladies never talk to me. And this is the– it’s only the second time I’ve been in this part of the building. So–

Liz: Oh, please, boy.

Nadeen: Don’t play anymore games, boy.

Liz: Boy, just let us do this last part, boy.

Michael: Okay, fine.(Not yours, but mine)

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Michael: Okay! Okay! Okay, okay! Just stop. [music stops] Stop. First of all, this is so inappropriate. Liz, you are the president of the company. And, Nadeen… you read my mind. In fact,

[singing] My mind is telling me no,
but my body, my body is telling me yes

[Michael and Nadeen star dancing. Liz is disappointed.]