Bad Girls

Stacey… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Gretchen… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Bayer

Josh… Beck Bennett

[Starts a Bad Girls band’s music video with girls posing in a car]

Stacey: Life is short. And we only get one chance to live it. So we do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want. Because we’re bad girls and we do it well.

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Shorty’s fast food. Cecily is approaching the counter.]

Kenan: Hey, what can I get for you?

Cecily: Um, can I just do a turkey and avocado sandwich?

Kenan: Sure. You want a drink with that?

Cecily: No, no, no. That’s okay. But you know what? Actually, can I just do like a free cup for water…

[Cut to Cecily at the soda station looking around]

… that I’ma fill with lemonade.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to an elevator. Few people are getting in.]

Kyle: Hey, what floor guys?

Pete: Um, 62 please.

Jon: 66 for me please.

Kyle: For you?

Gretchen: 2.0

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer trying to get in the fine dining restaurant]

Taran: Um, we only receive full parties. Are all four of your members here?

Leslie: Oh, yeah. She’s just in the bathroom.

Taran: Fantastic. Right this way.

Leslie: The bathroom at her house.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Bobby with the trolley at the grocery store. Venessa comes with few items to put in the trolley]

Venessa: Okay, I think I got everything. Milk, broccoli and ice-cream.

Bobby: Oh! We already got an ice-cream.

Venessa: Oh, okay. I’ll just put it back… right here… by the bread.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer at the restaurant]

Sasheer: God, our waitress was terrible.

Leslie: Yeah, such a bad service.

Stacey: Well, it’s time to leave the tip. Think what I’m gonna do. Let’s still tip 20% because being server is hard and you don’t know what’s going on her day today.

Sasheer: Yeah.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Josh doing the dishes]

Josh: Dishes are all done babe. Can you just take out the trash? I think it’s full.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Um, sure.

[Gretchen looks at the bin. The bin looks full. She just kick-pushes the trash in to squeeze in making space available in the bin.]

Actually, it’s not full.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls —

[Cut to Stacey at the restroom using the toilet. She’s out of toilet-tissues.]

Stacey: Shoot!

[Stacey looks at the socks she’s wearing, opens it and used it as a tissue] [Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[The girls are shooting guns at the sky]

Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey! Hey! Hey! Gretchen!

Gretchen: Hi baby.

Josh: What are you dong? I told you to take out the trash and now you’re out here shooting guns with like, 50 women?

Gretchen: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Girls, I gotta go. But, Bad Girls for life, right?

[Gretchen hugs goodbye to her girls and runs to Josh]

Bye girls. Bye, bye, bye.

Stacey: [Smiling at Josh] Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Stacey.

Stacey: We’re Bad Girls.

[The End]

Mitchell’s Fake Cocaine

Jeremy… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Steve… Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Jeremy walking down the stairs to a party] [Cut to Jeremy’s friends]

Kyle: Hey Jeremy, you were in the bathroom a long time. You okay?

Steve: Yeah, did you like, fall in or something?

Jeremy: Ha-ha. Hilarious, Steve, but I wasn’t going to the bathroom. I was actually doing cocaine. [Jeremy shows the white powder on his nose] You see?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh, wow! I didn’t know you do cocaine.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I do. In fact, I’ll probably do some more very soon.

[Jeremy winks]

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake cocaine for hiding bowel movements at parties. The #1 excuse for your #2.

[Cut to Kyle, Steve and Venessa]

Kyle: I love cocaine. Can I do some?

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I’m out. Yeah, I guess I did all myself, like, complete badass.

[Kenan walks down the stairs]

Kenan: Whoa! Who just used the bathroom, man! It stinks in there.

Steve: Wait a second, I thought you said you did cocaine in the bathroom.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I did you idiot. But then I sprayed this Mitchell’s fake poop spray to cover up that cocaine I did. Don’t you know anything about doing cocaine? [laughing] [Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: So, you carry around fake poop spray?

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: There are people at this party, you know? You don’t have to just talk to me.

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake poop spray. For when the Mitchell’s fake cocaine is called into question because of your real poop smell.

[Cut to 6 walking down the stairs]

Leslie: Okay, everybody. Quick announcement. The toilet is completely clogged, so nobody go in there.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: Oh, no. I gotta use this cocaine now or I’m gonna have an accident.

[Cut to 6]

Leslie: Well, you can use my bedroom.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: Okay, that sounds good.

[Jeremy walks up]

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake cocaine for hiding bowel movements at parties. And Mitchell’s fake poop spray. Gives you the confidence to let loose on the dance floor… and in the bathroom.

Leslie: [yelling] Hey! Who took a shit in my bedroom? Who took a shit in my bedroom?

[Cut to Jeremy showing Mitchell’s fake cocaine and Mitchell’s fake poop spray.

[The End]