Shante Thomas… Leslie Jones
Vivian Hargrave… Emma Thompson[Starts with a clip of a castle]
Heidi Gardner: What a pleasant surprise Mr. Thomas. Thank you for joining us.[Cut to Heidy, Beck and Shante]
Beck Bennett: Tell us how do you know Mrs. Markle, Duchess of Sussex?[Cut to Shante]
Shante Thomas: I’m Meghan’s third cousin, Shante Thomas of the Compton Thomases. Now she me where the baby at.[Cut to Heidi and Beck]
Heidi Gardner: Yes. Well, about that, you must understand, when attending royal functions, there’s a protocol everyone must follow.
Beck Bennett: And you must be ready. That’s why we’ve brought in miss Vivian Hargrave. She’s our royal Etiquette coach, and she has never failed. Mrs. Hargrave?[Cut to everybody. Mrs. Hargrave enters the room.]
Vivian Hargrave: How may I be of service?
Heidi Gardner: This is Mrs. Shante Thomas. She is to attend the royal christening and reception.
Vivian Hargrave: Goodness. Is that so?[Cut to Vivian and Shante]
Well, yes. This will be an experiment, won’t it?
Shante Thomas: Experiment?
Vivian Hargrave: Leave us, please.[Cut to everyone]
Beck Bennett: As you wish.[Heidi and Beck leave the room]
Vivian Hargrave: Now then, miss Thomas, have you ever attended high tea?
Shante Thomas: No. But I’ve had tea while I’m high.
Vivian Hargrave: Indeed. Do take a seat. Very well. Back straight, please. Legs together. Napkin folded in half with the crease toward you. Now, do you know the proper way to stir the tea?[Cut to Shante. She carries a cup of tea and swirls the spoon in it]
Shante Thomas: Yeah. You just, you know, swirl it around like this.
Vivian Hargrave: Yes. [Cut to Vivian and Shante] Well, that’s perfect if you’re entertaining a bunch of howling Dobermans. But that’s not how it’s done here. You see, round and round is a dreadful show. Back and forth is how we go. From six to twelve and back again, back and forth, to stay within. Repeat after me. [Cut to Vivian swirling the teaspoon and singing]
Back and forth[Cut to Shante]
Shante Thomas: Back and forth[Cut to Vivian] Vivian Hargrave: Six to twelve [Cut to Shante]
Shante Thomas: Six to twelve[Cut to Vivian and Shante]
Vivian Hargrave: Now stop.[Shante is still stirring the tea. Vivian slaps the cup out of Shante’s hands and breaks it.]
I said back and forth. Understood?
Shante Thomas: I know you didn’t just smack that out of my hand.[Cut to Vivian]
Vivian Hargrave: Well, I did indeed and I’ll gladly do it again if you don’t get it right. You do want to attend the Christening, don’t you?[Cut to Vivian and Shante]
Shante Thomas: Yes, but—
Vivian Hargrave: Well, very well. Let’s try again.[Cut to Vivian][Music stars playing.]
Vivian Hargrave: Back and forth[Cut to Shante]
Shante Thomas: Back and forth[Cut to Vivian and Shante]
Vivian Hargrave: Very good. Six to twelve
Shante Thomas: Six to twelve
Vivian Hargrave: May I see that? Don’t you put that spoon in your mouth. [Vivian slaps Shante on her cheek]Did youish—
Shante Thomas: Oh! What is wrong with you?[Cut to Vivian]
Vivian Hargrave: I’m terribly sorry, but this is a royal event. We simply must get this right.[Cut to Vivian and Shante]
Shante Thomas: Am I bleeding? Lady, if you smack me one more time—
Vivian Hargrave: What? You’ll do what?
Shante Thomas: I ain’t going to do nothing.
Vivian Hargrave: Excellent. Now let’s move on to scones. Scones are an afternoon tea tradition going back generations. Now, then. Here we are. Please separate your scone into two halves. Separate after me and repeat.[Music starts playing]
From one to two
Shante Thomas: I don’t want to sing.
Vivian Hargrave: One to two
Shante Thomas: [Getting a knife from he table] One to two
Vivian Hargrave: Don’t even think about using a knife! [Vivian smacks Shante on her face]
Shante Thomas: You crazy crazy! I don’t even like scones.
Vivian Hargrave: Oh, I see. [Vivian walks behind Shante and starts chocking her]
Shante Thomas: Wait a minute.
Vivian Hargrave: You don’t like scones? Perhaps you prefer to sleep then.
Shante Thomas: I don’t want to sleep.
Shante Thomas: I’ll drink the tea.[Heidi and Beck walk in]
Beck Bennett: Is everything all right?
Heidi Gardner: We heard noises.
Vivian Hargrave: Yes. Everything going swimmingly. Isn’t it, miss Thomas?
Shante Thomas: Oh, she’s so good. She’s so good. We’re cool.
Heidi Gardner: Wonderful.
Beck Bennett: Lovely.[Heidi and Beck leave the room again]
Vivian Hargrave: Very well. Let’s move on to the clotted cream.
Shante Thomas: Clotted cream? [Shante carries the plate and takes a look at it.] This look real nasty.
Vivian Hargrave: Perhaps you should try it. [Vivian smashes Shante’s face to the cream] This is the house of Windsor. [Vivian carries a chair and hits Shante with it] Do you understand?
Narrator: In the end Vivian Hargrave triumphed. Shante Thomas attended the christening of the royal baby and she was a model of decorum.